Monday, May 8, 2017

Detective Comics #955

You know what kind of people I despise (other than people who think Trump is intelligent)? People who have to point out that writing DC Comics is tantamount to saying Detective Comics Comics. I mean, it is! But it's not ridiculous to say that. Detective Comics is the name of the company. They print comics. Those comics could be described as Detective Comics comics. Duh! Get a life, you stupid fucking Actually Nerds. Also, stop telling me it's Frankenstein's Monster. I know, you fuck basket! But some of us are lazy and enjoy shortening that to just Frankenstein. If I want to speak about his creator, I'll use his fucking title, Doctor! Get it, dick snap? And if I say ATM Machine, don't fucking correct me because I'm talking about my masturbation machine that enables me to ass to mouth myself. Now if I said I've got my self-contained underwater breathing apparatus scuba gear then you can get on my case. But only then, you stunted pharmaceutical representative.

Last issue ended with the question, "How is anybody going to stop the League of Shadows?!" No wait. It ended with the answer to that question as Cassandra Cain showed up on their doorstep with dozens of murdered League of Shadow assassins. See, this entire story arc (practically since Rebirth (and including Batman and Robin Eternal)) has been about teaching the reader that Cassandra Cain is the most dangerous and formidable fighter in the DC Universe. Usually comic book companies like to be a bit ambiguous about which heroes can beat up which other heroes. That's call Stan Lee's Law (otherwise known as the Fangenders Can Get Pretty Angry If Their Favorite Character Gets Their Ass Beat By Another Hero They Hate So You'd Better Never Have A Fight Between Heroes Reach A Satisfying Conclusion Theorem).

Last night while I was dreaming, I kept reminding myself, in my dream, to remember to use this in conversation at some point: "Has there ever been a serial killer who was also a magician? Because then he would be a serial nerderer." Man, my dream self was on fire last night.

This issue begins with...oh, let's face it. Who cares, really? I haven't even opened the comic book yet and I already know what's going to happen. Cassandra Cain is going to kick the ass of every League of Shadow assassin. Then she's going to face off against Lady Shiva who will dare her to kill her. But then when she's about to kill her, tears streaming down her face, Batman will be all, "You can't! You can't kill! If you don't kill, I will give you another hug!" Then she'll stab her blade down at Shiva's face but it will miss by a milliliter, exactly like she planned it. Also, I'm not good with metric measurements. After that, Cassandra will run into Batman's arms and she'll feel satiated. Meanwhile, Batman will roll his eyes at the other Bat-Kids standing behind Cassandra and point down at her miming, "What a fucking handful, amirite?!"

While Cassandra plays out her fairy tale (see, that's why she took the name Orphan. Because she's like the lost princess in the woods who has to lure a wolf to her mother's cabin so he'll eat the woodsman who's been sexually harassing her for months (no wait. That's not the fairy tale she's living out. I think she's just living out a general fairy tale theme of lost parents and hidden identities)), Batwoman, Batwing, and Azrael have been chained up naked next to a thermonuclear bomb underneath Gotham City.

Why would somebody hide a utility belt in hollow teeth when they have buttholes and vaginas? And, if we're talking about Batman, a thoroughly gauged urethra! I've talked about his practice of gauging before!

When I was younger and somebody mentioned gauging, we knew it meant expanding the urethra in your penis. But now everybody thinks people are talking about increasing the size of the hole in your earlobe. Bah! Kids today are so tame with their body modifications.

The Bat Gang decide the only thing they can do is wait for Batman to save them. That's when Batman is tossed on the floor in front of them and put up in chains beside them. That's when Shiva explains that Gotham City is going to die in under an hour. That's when a League of Shadows flunky runs up and exclaims, "There's a little girl killing us all in the west corridor! We're nowhere near as great at assassinating as we thought! Eeep!"

Before Cassandra can destroy the entire League of Shadows all by herself, she needs to experience the flashback where the dancer she used to stalk gives her a hug and tells her she's not broken. Oh, because she knows so much about Cassandra, right?! This scene may as well have been Cassandra feeling sorry for herself while scrolling through Tumblr and stumbling upon one of those ridiculous affirmation sites that tell sad people that they're worth it, even when the sad person knows, deep down, that they totally aren't worth it. But people who don't hate themselves see those sites and get huge boners over them. Ugh. Those sites are the fucking worst. Get out of here with your cute animals vomiting forth insipid bullshit!

I'm just angry that those unimaginative, barely creative sites get so much love and attention while my bitter site full of vitriol and hatred hardly makes a blip on the Googles.

The dancer explains a book to Cassandra and Cassandra is all, "Oh yeah! Thanks! I needed somebody to tell me how to feel differently about the way I felt about the way people told me how to feel! Now I feel in control of my life thanks to you explaining how I should perceive my life through your perspective! I'm totally myself now!" Then Cassandra rushes off to save Batman and the others and possibly the entire world.

The issue ends with just Shiva left standing to face Cassandra. Shiva says, "You think you can fight me alone? After destroying hundreds of my elite soldiers alone, you think that makes you strong enough to defeat me?!" And Cassandra is all, "No! That's why I saved Batman and the others first, dummy!" Although she says it with less words. So the moral of the story is to rely on yourself sometimes and then, at other times, to rely on your friends. I wish the story would explain when each of those times were. Because it would seem to me that I should rely on myself when I had to fight just one person and not ask my friends to gang up on that one person. And then I should rely on my friends when I'm being swarmed with enemies. But this story is all, "No, no! That's totally backwards, stupid!" And I'm all, "Stop calling me stupid, comic books!" And my comic books are all, "Hee hee. What a dufus."

The Ranking!
I don't have time to rank this! I have to go cry in another room where my jerko comic books can't see me.

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