Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Bane Conquest #1

Oh Christ. Kelly Jones' Bane flashing me back to Knightfall and the rise of...of...that monster, Jean-Paul Valley!

I probably could have skipped reading this since I don't read every DC Comic book anymore. You know why I stopped reading every DC Comic book? Because DC Comics decided to do a Loot Crate Exclusive Harley Quinn book that wasn't out of continuity. In essence, they told the people who were willing to read every single comic book they published that DC didn't care if they missed some of their shit. Did DC Comics expect me to sign up for Loot Crate's bullshit service of sending me a box of clutter every fucking month just to get that stupid comic book? No fucking way. DC could go fuck themselves. But at least they broke my Pokémon mentality of needing to read them all by keeping one out of my grasp. As soon as I couldn't read just one comic book in the entirety of their universal continuity, I could stop reading a bunch of others as well! Think about that next time you do a shitty exclusive, DC Comics.

Being that I don't give a shit about Bane (he's really just Batman's Doomsday, no matter how many writers have tried to smarten him up and fill him with personality), I'm really not sure why I picked this up. Curiosity, I guess. It's why my friends call me Whiskers!

Bane catches wind of a terrorist cell in Gotham City. He keeps calling it his city because he likes to pretend Batman doesn't exist and that Batman isn't constantly sticking his dick into every opening in every building all over the city mumbling, "Fucking own this. And this. Totally own this. And this. This is mine. And this. This too." Bane also forgets about the Court of Owls who technically own more of the city than Bruce Wayne does and so could probably lay claim to it being their city even more than Batman. But then Bane runs around hopped up on drugs while wearing a luchadore mask so I guess he's allowed to believe whatever he wants to believe. Who's going to stop him? I suppose Batman might stop him but only like 95% of the time, really. The rest of the time, Bane breaks Batman's back and then it's up to some annoying dork to stop him.

If I have to see Bane's ass, you have to see Bane's ass. It's only fair.

Speaking of fair, have you seen tubgirl, lemon party, and goat.se? I have so, you know, fair is fair. Look 'em up. I'll wait until you're done rinsing your eyes with bleach.

While Bane showers, he remembers growing up in the prison in Santa Prisca and the grown men who constantly tried to steal his butt cherry. He's comparing his ownership of Gotham to keeping his butt virginity intact. Well, that puts his conflict with Batman in a new light.

This slightly ravaged teddy bear is a visual metaphor of Bane's butt hymen. You know, just like Rosebud's was Charles Foster Kane's symbol for his own loss of innocence. Wink, wink.

By the way, the new King Arthur movie looks terrible. I wonder how many ways they'll contrive to have horses explode.

Through a long investigation where Bane punches a bunch of criminals in the face and most of them respond by simply eating their teeth and dying, Bane eventually learns that the terrorist cell is from Qurac. I could have told him that! That's the only country DC is legally allowed to say terrorists come from. Can you imagine if they said terrorists came from a real country? Like say Ireland? Oh boy would they get an earful from proud Irishmen! And by earful, I mean the sound of the bomb exploding in their mail room. Although I think they're less afraid to piss off people from a country which DC uses as a terrorist base and they're more afraid of all the rumor and speculation that will run rampant on Tumblr until everybody hates DC for something they think they did (which they never bother to confirm because why would everybody be saying it if it was just speculation and rumor and purposeful misunderstandings by people who just have a beef against DC?). Anyway, DC didn't spend decades building the mythology of Qurac just to start having terrorists in the DC Universe come from some other country. Of course they came from Qurac!

I suppose they could have come from Markovia too. Or that place Sonar is from. Or Khandaq. I suppose even DC realized they were going to the Qurac well a little too often and needed to change it up a bit.

Once in Qurac, Bane rushes in to destroy the threat and comes face to face with the organization's leader. It's some guy named Damocles. Bane seems to know him. Maybe he knew him in prison?

The Ranking!
Average. Basically Bane beats shit up until he runs into a guy who knows to cut off Bane's venom supply. Now Bane will beat that guy up but it will be a little more difficult than usual. After that, Bane will probably beat up more people. So if you like reading about people getting beat up, this comic might be even better than average for you.

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