Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Suicide Squad #17

In Russia, Zod kneels before you. Shit. I think I have to turn in my writing card now.

Remember when the Suicide Squad gave their members the choice to be on the team? It's possible most of the people reading this comic book weren't born when that last happened. Now it's just a team of anybody Amanda wants forced into slavery under the threat of death. Specifically, I'm speaking about Zod right now since, at this point, I really have no fucking clue what the incentive is for all of the other people on the team. Deadshot wants to be able to visit his daughter sometimes but he sure put up with a lot of fucking bullshit for a long fucking time before that finally happened. And he had to lose a hand to get that carrot! Harley is on the team because DC Comics is afraid to lose half the readership by dropping her. Killer Croc is on the team because I don't know why. Why is he even in Belle Reve? It's a mystery! Captain Boomerang is on the team because he's full of guilt and self-loathing and believes he deserves the humiliation he receives from Amanda. Also he constantly has a boner for some reason. Zod is on the team because he's an alien and Amanda enslaved him. I'm sure he'll just shrug his shoulders and look on the bright side and get on with it.

Look at Deadshot on that cover. Why do all the terrible artists that people think are actually the best artists believe that Deadshot can see anything out of a scope in his mask that far over on the side of his head? Fuck you, Tony S. Daniel and John Romita Jr. Probably Jim Lee too but I don't remember being upset about his placement. Although I'm sure Jim Lee filled the scope with scribbles, so even if it were in the correct place on Floyd's face, he still wouldn't have been able to see out of it.

All the best covert organizations have headquarters behind waterfalls.

When are we going to get the Nightwing comic book where he goes undercover in an international construction company that builds super villain secret headquarters? Think of all the crime that can be stopped before the villain even has a place to sit backwards in a chair facing a bunch of monitors while stroking a cat!

Zod is introduced falling out of a helicopter with the rest of the squad as he screams the thing you expect him to scream. It's hilarious because that's what Zod or people hearing the name Zod always say! He doesn't seem particularly upset that he's been enslaved. As long as he has the illusion of freedom (which he only has due to his delusional nature or why else would he explain to Amanda that he serves no one while doing what he's told?), I suppose he can't get too upset. Besides, he gets to kill people! That's a pretty sweet perk.

The Squad have come to destroy the Annihilation Brigade. They're Russia's version of the Suicide Squad. Maybe. I mean, if that's true, why are they located in Zimbabwe? Is it only because there are no famous waterfalls in Russia? I mean, there might be! But only waterfall nerds have probably heard of them! Whew. Now nobody will dare to say I look ignorant by my lack of international waterfall knowledge because they'll be too embarrassed to admit they're a waterfall nerd!

The first member of the Annihilation Brigade to die is Tunguska. I first heard of the incident at Tunguska due to In Search Of. That was my favorite show as a kid.

"Zod will invent the ways"? That doesn't make any sense. Unless one of the ways Zod just invented was ramming his boner through Tunguska's liver. I mean, why else is Tunguska screaming like that? I doubt it's due to Zod's breath.

Coming to Tunguska's rescue are his colleagues, Cosmonut and Tankograd. Cosmonut has the power of silly typos while Tankograd has the powers of a city made of tanks. I understand why Cosmonut wears a space uniform while the only thing he can say is a picture of a peanut. But why does he have a head shaped like a hammer? If there's one nut that doesn't need some kind of tool to crack it, it's the peanut! They should have called it the pussnut.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Harcourt has realized her jigs are up and begins slaughtering people. Amanda probably knew this would happen and didn't warn all the techies because Amanda is a fucking asshole.

The advertisement for the King Arthur movie still makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. Who the fuck are these people making movies in Hollywood?! I'm surprised King Arthur doesn't have huge fucking ear gauges in that ad.

Um, anyway, Harcourt reports back to The People before setting the self-destruct code on Belle Reve. Fucking self-destruct codes. It's like one lazy fucking hack writer somewhere in the past needed a quick and easy way to threaten the lives of the heroes while also allowing for the utter annihilation of the bad guys so that asshole invented the idea of a self-destruct mechanism built into the evil organization's headquarters. And it was such an easy way to advance the plot and add tension, other lazy hack writers decided to use the premise until it became something audiences stopped questioning. I wouldn't mind if all of our homes were rigged with self-destruct codes just in case a guest stays too long or some Mormon missionaries ride up on their bikes to discuss Christ's new world message.

The Suicide Squad discover that The People's compound behind Victoria Falls is their version of Belle Reve. It's full of imprisoned super-powered people with bombs in their brains. Does the Suicide Squad really need to confront an organization that holds up a mirror to their organization so that they suddenly see all of its flaws? I think they already knew how shitty it was. They don't really need a lesson to get them thinking, "Hey! I don't think Amanda Waller has our best interests at heart at all!"

You're right, Floyd. You aren't the Teen Titans. You do more good than they do.

Tunguska blows up, killing everybody. Everybody except the people labeling under the delusion that they're job is so dangerous that they might as well just kill themselves. They never die. They teleport away along with Cosmonut because he's obviously the best prisoner to interrogate.

"Who is behind this?!"

Later in Belle Reve, Amanda confronts Harcourt before she can escape. Remember how I mentioned how Amanda was a huge fucking asshole because she didn't warn the techies earlier?

She's even worse than that! She's also lucky Harcourt didn't kill two techies with one bullet!

Harcourt is a terrible spy. One of the first things they learn is to tell how many bullets are in the clip of your gun simply by weight! Probably. I mean, I'd definitely teach that course if I were running a Spy Community College Program.

Captain Boomerang kills Harcourt before she can tell Amanda that Boomer killed Hack. Oh, also before Harcourt can kill Amanda. I just mentioned them in order of importance. I still don't know why Boomer killed Hack but since he liked her, it must have been mind control. Or else that self-loathing I mentioned earlier that he's full of.

In the epilogue, Cosmonut is interrogated and Amanda learns what a peanut looks like when spoken. Rick Flag sucks on Harley's finger which, according to earlier issues, was probably just inside his asshole. And Zod speaks with his cohorts inside the Black Vault (probably Faora and that dumb oaf) before attempting to do brain surgery on himself with his heat vision and a mirror. That totally makes sense, right? His heat vision is powerful enough to cut into his own Kryptonian brain but not powerful enough to shatter a mirror. Because light or something!

I really need to dig up Ostrander's run on this thing and reread that. Although I might be severely disappointed. I was pretty young when I read and loved it. What if my raging cynicism, cultivated from years of life constantly trying to put me in the ground and my existential terror of just about every mundane task civilization expects out of adults, make me realize it was actually terrible?! Hmm. Now I really want to reread it!

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