Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Bitch Planet #10

I'm woman enough to survive Bitch Planet! At least according to my father's messages all through my childhood!

I know I shouldn't be allowed to review Bitch Planet. This is the kind of comic book that you're only supposed to talk about in fuck yeah reverence. But I wasn't born with the part of the brain that can process reverence. I was, however, born with double the part of the brain that doesn't mind telling sexist jokes! Here's a sexist joke I once heard that I don't really get but the bro-dude who told it to me thought it was hilarious:

"What do you tell a woman with two black guys?"
"Nothing. You already told her twice!"

See? I don't get it. Who are the black guys? Coworkers? Maybe they were messengers who gave your message to the woman already? Oh no! I just thought of something. Maybe that guy was laughing because the joke was racist?! I mean, I don't know how it could be. Does it matter if the woman is white or black? Why does the joke specify the guys are black but doesn't specify the woman's race? Maybe I just don't understand jokes!

Anyway, I sure hope the big Megaton Jailball game happens this issue! I know the stadium still needs to be built but I'm sort of hoping that the same amount of time that passed between the publication of Issue #9 and Issue #10 is the same amount of time that passed in the comic book.

Luckily, Bitch Planet has a "Previously" section inside the front cover. Otherwise I'd never remember all of the pertinent details needed for understanding this issue.

The riot goes into the second act this issue. That's where the prisoners learn that beating up all of the guards doesn't exactly free them from the prison planet. Plus one of the guards captured Ex-President Doane and is taking her back to the prison control center. Kam, Mo, and Whitney go after them because they need the president to unite all of the prisoners. You see, some prisoners don't like other prisoners because some of the prisoners were born with pensises and, in general, the enemies are the ones with penises. But these penis havers are women too which is why they were sent to Bitch Planet when they got uppity instead of what happens to uppity (and maybe too feminine?) men who wind up being punched in the face and told to grow some balls and then maybe sent into the military where a bunch of penis peers could beat the shit out of them on a daily basis until they learned to "man up." Why isn't testosterone just called Jerk Juice?

This must be the part where she becomes more powerful than you can possibly imagine!

President Doane lives because Kam, Mo, and Whitney arrive in time to save her by killing the guard. Meiko's father lets them in the control center so that they can have complete control of the prison. I hope they don't forget about the Megaton game against the guards now that they've liberated the place. People are anxiously awaiting that spectacle.

Meanwhile on Earth, the Children of Eleanor Doane totally ruin the Protectorate Day Celebration. One of those children is the daughter of the Father of Media so she's hustled aboard the emergency shuttle with all of the other important people to keep them safe from the terrorists. Since she's a terrorist — or should I say rebel fighter? — she shoots the High Father in his stupid patriarchal head. It's like what's happening on Bitch Planet is also happening on Earth! Almost as if what's happening in one reality is also happening in another reality, wink, wink! I think I know what Kelly Sue is asking one of Sean Spicer's children to do!

That's how the first part of the comic book ends. There are other parts too! Like the page where Kelly Sue says some stuff and then the pages where some other person says some stuff and then the letters pages where lots of people say lots of stuff and then the back page where all the best stuff is ultimately said!

I'm not into thinking about things this week so I'm not discussing the material composed of lots and lots of words. Instead, let's just get a quick look at the best part of the comic: the back cover!

I'm pretty sure if I wrote DTF Fetus in any of my commentaries, I'd instantly lose half a dozen followers. I suppose that's the difference with seriously talking about them and sarcastically writing about them on a fake Woman's Magazine.

The Ranking!
No change! Come on! Where's the flippin' Megaton footsball game?! I'm seriously beginning to believe this isn't a lighthearted spoof comic about sci-fi sports at all!

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