Saturday, May 6, 2017

Justice League of America #5


Some people might be able to come up with one or two convincing arguments as to why this book is worth reading but the only one I can come up with (and the only one you need) is that Lobo is in it. And not that fucking piece of shit Twat Lobo that Cullen Bunn disgraced himself writing. That was the worst garbage I've ever read on a printed page and I've read at least one page of Twilight and most of The Bible¹. Twat Lobo was Lobo if you took away everything that made Lobo interesting and replaced it with something really fucking stupid and then said, "There we go. That's Lobo! The dumb idiots who love Lobo won't know the difference! Boy, people who liked Lobo truly were dumb, weren't they? I bet they don't even notice! Just think of all the fucking morons who will actually prefer this version! Ha ha! Jerks!" Twat Lobo was some asshole at DC Comics thinking, "Lobo should still be a genocidal maniac but one that has a better back story than that he just wanted to be unique. He needs to be some kind of prophetic figure! He needs to be a sympathetic figure caught up in the forces of destiny out of his control! Oh, and what Millennial is going to fall for his heavy metal biker attitude? That went out of style before Lobo was even popular! But they'll love him as a total twat!"

People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Here's me at the height of my love for Lobo twenty-four (HOLY SHIT. TWENTY FOUR?!) years ago:

Notice the shirt? Lobo! Notice the eyes? LSD!

This issue begins in Penn City where somebody dropped a Buddhist Love Bomb in a garbage can. At least that's what I think is in the garbage can based on the first three panels. The bomb is the head of some poor bastard with a grenade strapped in his mouth in the way that your lover straps a ball gag in your mouth before your lover pegs the fuck out of you. Also strapped to the bomb's head is a lotus flower. That's why I'm guessing it's a Buddhist Love Bomb. I just now typed "Lotus Flower" into Google to see if I maybe shouldn't just be saying "Lotus" and Google's predictive text added "bomb" to the end of it. Holy shit, is that a real thing?! No, no. It looks like it's a rap song by Wale featuring Miguel. Remember that bit about how old I am? Yeah, never heard of that song.

Later, the Justice League of America has decided to give a press conference to basically say they're better than the Justice League and more in touch with the common people and probably way more patriotic in that they have "America" in their name, in case you missed that part. Batman does not attend because he's a public relations nightmare. He would probably just tell all of the reporters that their questions were stupid. Oh! Is Batman's secret identity Sean Spicer?!

Vixen tells everybody that the JLA used to call their base the "Secret Sanctuary" but that that seemed way too pedophiliac for their liking. Plus, if a reporter heard that before they had claimed it at this press conference, it probably would have cast suspicion on their organization. So instead, they're opening up the front half of the mountain to the public and calling it Mount Justice! People should feel free to come by to file complaints and drink some free coffee and possibly be seduced by Lobo.

Duh, Lana Lang! That's practically the definition of America! Although Vixen left out the "according to our own interests and with complete disregard to the will of the populace of the country we're sticking our noses into" part.

Ben Rubel, Supergirl's rival and future fuck interest, points out that according to the rumor mill, Lobo has taken "countless" lives, so why is that maniac on the team? Most of the other reporters have previously hit puberty, so they already know the answer to that question. It's easy to forgive somebody for genocide when you want to fuck their alien brains out. Vixen says Lobo will save one life for every one he's ever taken. That's impossible! I bet even if he single-handedly saves every life on Earth from some massive comet or alien invasion, he still won't be close to saving a life for every one he's killed! Hopefully he can save the same life multiple times and it will still count.

Olivia Ortega, some reporter from Gotham who isn't Vicki Vale for some reason, asks why Batman isn't at the press conference. Vixen says Batman stands by whatever she says instead of saying, "We're in Rhode Island, honey. Gotham is not in Rhode Island. Duh." I think I'd be as bad as Batman at press conferences.

Oh ho! What a clever retort, The Ray!

I guess Frances Rock is Frank Rock's granddaughter. I bet her high school clique was called "Easy Company." Sex joke!

Nikos Aegeus (otherwise known as simply Aegeus) got his start in terrorism when he met a blind and crippled Bellerophon² who gave him the means to tame Pegasus and a quiver of Zeus's thunderbolts. Now he sells weapons created from folklore! That sounds exciting! Plus, it shows he respects rap music enough to realize it's impact on folklore and culture. Unless he thought up the Lotus Flower Bomb due to some other story from The Bible that I don't remember. I mean, it could be from somewhere else but like I said earlier (or later since it's in a footnote), The Bible has all the stories in it.

Aegeus is currently attempting to sell a bunch of wacky weapons to The Whispers gang from Gotham. And since it's still dark, I'm guessing it's not yet tomorrow (which is the only day Ray pointed out everybody doesn't work under Aegeus's terrorist threat. I suppose the day after tomorrow, they'll get back to it).

Oh, so Batman can maim but Lobo³ isn't allowed? What a fucking bat-jerk.

I guess the plan is for Lobo to beat up all of Aegeus's men (carefully, so as not to maim them, of course! Lobo is totally known for being careful!) while the rest of the team have coffee and cakes? That sounds good to me! More Lobo! Less all the other dimwits!

Lobo accuses Batman of being a dick and Batman is all, "I don't have to explain myself to you!" So Lobo is all, "Cool, cool." Then he flips Bats off British Style and walks off to do his job. I hope he kills a few people every job and hides them before Batman can see and Batman, thinking Lobo's "honor" keeps him from doing all sorts of stuff Batman never actually specified in the beginning of the deal, lives in enough of a state of denial to keep from noticing. But then it'll come out that everywhere the Justice League of America has been, bodies begin turning up buried all around the places they battled! Then Superman will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Alfred will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Vixen will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And the government will be all, "You are an accessory to these murders and are sentenced to life in prison!"

Lobo beats up some bulldozers and then breaks into the Mayor's Office where Aegeus and his men are holed up.

Uh oh! I think that constitutes maiming!

Lobo is suspicious of Batman's reasons for bringing him on the team. My guess is that he's the team hit-eater. You send him in first when you're unsure of the weaponry of the enemy and then figure out a plan based on how badly Lobo's body has been damaged by the attack.

Lobo greets Aegeus with a great line I'm not bothering to scan. Lobo's met with a spear to the chest which drops him to his knees because it's covered in a poison that halts regeneration. Oh no! Is that all it's taken, all this time, to kill Lobo?! Seems like a bit of a cheat. Like how almost everything nowadays is immune to Green Lantern Light. It's always about negating the thing that's too powerful instead of coming up with an imaginative way to make the too powerful thing interesting in terms of story. Although, really, this is kind of clever because Aegeus is using ancient weapons from folklore and, apparently, this poison was used by Heracles.

While Lobo and The Atom (he was hiding in Lobo's underwear) deal with Aegeus, the rest of the Justice League of America chastise the residents of Penn City. They also give them some hope that they'll drive the main employer out of town and then Batman will cut them all checks so they stop acting like criminals. Or maybe Wayne Industries will just set up a weapons manufacturing plant in the city himself since the citizens all of experience crafting weapons now. And Batman doesn't mind weapons being created as long as, like America, he's in control of them.

Lobo gets blasted out of the Mayor's Office and into the park next to the Justice League of America where he reports that he failed and is probably dying. Then he points out that Aegeus's army hasn't been destroyed and they're right behind them flying in on a battalion of chimeras. I guess next issue, everybody will be killed by chimeras.

The Ranking!
I know Lobo won't die. But I'm just going to point out that if he did happen to die, or he just happened to be removed from the team, or if he in any way stops appearing in this comic book, it will no longer be the best comic book that DC currently publishes. It will, in fact, be the worst one because I will punish it more harshly than I'd punish a comic book written and drawn by Rob Liefeld with a back-up story by Ann Nocenti.
¹Okay, that was a cheap shot. The Bible actually has some quite beautiful poetry in it. It's just that the people who believe it's more than it is that make me want to shit all over it. Plus, everybody who is interested in Western Literature needs to fucking read The Bible. If you don't know The Bible and you think you understand every book you read or every movie you watch, you need to think again. You're almost certainly missing several themes and allusions and references to biblical stories. Hell, you even need to know The Bible to understand Bugs Bunny's biggest contribution to insulting asshats.
²I highly recommend John Barth's Chimera as well as pretty much anything written by John Barth. Although some of his books seem a bit too much like work so you might want to start with his shorter stuff which will get you intrigued enough to slog through the really long shit. Although I'm not sure if Giles Goat-Boy was really worth the effort I expended on it. Although I did masturbate a few times to the scene with the summer dress. Woo boy! Good stuff! I wonder if I should attempt to read The Sot-Weed Factor again or just reread The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor?
³What's up with Lobo's hair? He looks like Bon Jovi! This is getting perilously close to another version of Twat Lobo!

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