The Green Team #5

I hope Brother Power the Geek gets to make an actual appearance before this series is relegated to the purgatory of comic books: THE QUARTER BIN!

Between this comic book sitting at the top of my stack and Call of Duty: Ghosts coming out yesterday, this blog almost ended! Seriously, why would I want to waste my time reading this mediocre crap about characters I've never heard of before and who aren't likable in the least? Well, maybe Mo might be likable. But he's not very interesting. And that's the problem! Even Scott Lobdell's shit holds my interest because it entertains me to criticize it. So I saw it at the top of my stack and couldn't bring myself to read it and then I played some Call of Duty: Ghosts and then I played more of that and then some more and a little more and I considered never doing anything else again. But then my body said, "Hey idiot. Feed me. And get some sleep." So I did that and now I'm writing this and I'm realizing how precarious everything in our society is! Especially life and love! And chocolate bars! And YMCA centers! It's all so fragile and ephemeral! And we take it all for granted every day! But we should embrace everything and live each day as if...oh, shut the fuck up, you platitudinous bitch! You know the hardest people to be around? People who have just recently almost died. Oh, NOW you love life? Get the fuck out of here!

Speaking of things that are circling the drain, let's read The Green Team! And let's embrace it and try to make it feel loved in its short time it has left, shall we?

Look, I'm a cynical, hard-nosed son of a whore (sorry, mom, but some people embrace truth over desire! Unlike you, you tart!). But sometimes I still laugh at trite, obvious, old jokes. I'm not going to apologize for that! Although I should apologize to my mom for that previous parenthetical reference to her sexual behaviours which I wouldn't fucking judge anyway, so shut the hell up, you offended jerks with no sense of humour! Of course, you probably think you have a sense of humour but when you're offended, you just point to the person making the joke and point out how common or broad they're being instead of allowing for the grace, intellect, and subtlety of the classic "my mom is a whore" joke. Snobs.

I think traditionally the joke is supposed to be about your mom, not mine, being a whore! Whoops! Dammit!

The Green Team is currently on a space mission to a runaway meteor. What's it running away from? The profound loneliness of deep space? Good luck getting away from that! It's nearly identical to the profound loneliness of the human condition! Unless the meteor finds another meteor to fuck its brains out on a near constant daily basis, it's in for a long motherfucking life of tears and near collisions with gassy giants. Just like my mom's life!

Some place called Bellachek Temple owns the runaway meteor. I don't know how they own it! Maybe they bought it from that website that lets you buy stars and shit. Apparently they don't want it running away, so The Green Team have been hired to unrunaway it. Also, Cecilia is still missing her right arm. I bet that when they find the meteor, it attaches itself to Cecilia's right shoulder and she becomes My Right Arm is a Meteor Girl! Unless she opts for the better name, Awkward Left-handed Handjob Girl.

Poor Cecilia. She can no longer do the Hand Jive.

The best part of The Green Team is that Mo's bodyguard Abisha keeps tagging along. Get out of here, grown up! You're ruining the good times! Unless you're going to buy the alcohol, nobody wants you hanging out in your electric blue Trans-Am trying to fuck all the underage girls!

From now on, I'm going to refer to Abisha as "Sticks" because it reminds me of a story that Grunion Guy wrote a long time ago when people were on the Myspace pages. Let me recount it for you in all of its glorious glory.

HIGH SCHOOL PARTY TIME!
By Grunion Guy

"School sucks and is really boring," pandered Sticks, the skinny kid who wasn't really popular but listened to rock and roll and smoked pot so he was cool to the people who knew what cool was (cool was drinking and smoking and wearing leather and not caring about grades, in case you're one of those clueless people who wasn't cool in high school). But some of the kids thought being cool was getting good grades or thowing a football straight or scoring with the hot girls who were cool because they were hot or just being good looking even. But Sticks wasn't one of those shallow cool people with the wavy blonde hair and clean teeth. He was cool because of the things he did and not because of the way he looked.

One of the cool things he did was drive a Camaro T-Top and park it in the school parking lot while everyone else was going to class. He would lean against its hood with his legs sort of crossed and a toothpick sticking out of his mouth. Hey, that was probably why they called him Sticks! Also he wore a leather jacket and smoked a cigarette too.

"Did I mention school was boring and for borers?" he repeated to anyone who would listen to him. Sticks was 28 and hadn't gone to school for a really long time because it was really, really boring. Also he had dropped out because his grades were so bad. But nobody cared about that.

The bell rang and all the cute young girls left their classes with their books pressed up against their bosoms and their really short skirts. Sticks combed his hair with grease which was cool for some reason and the chicks all dug it. Some of the hot chicks were passing by his Camaro now! Let's watch him be cool!

"Hey, dig this hot tune, ladies!" macho'd Sticks as he leaned into the T-Top and turned up the radio. Foreigner was playing and it was cool. It was on a tape. He owned the tape because he loved being cool and listening to Foreigner. "Hey, ladies. Did you know that the T-Top was called the T-Top because of its resemblance to a T and not because it was a way of getting around Porsche's copyrighting of the term 'Targa' on their 'Targa Top' sun roof which was pretty much the same thing but different somehow?" He rubbed his knuckles on his Tank Top (not his T-top! The Tank Top is a shirt!). The girls all giggled and ran quickly away with their skirts flipping up and down because they were embarrassed at his raw sexinessality and they were young and innocent and not ready to pop some cherries and grapes in the back seat of his hot ride.

"Catch you on the other side later, hot mamas," drawled Sticks in his cool guy accent.

"Hey! It's Sticks!" yelled the young kids he hung out with who were on the way to being cool like he was. But one of them was fat and couldn't be cool until he was skinny or did some harder drugs. And one of them was still concerned about the C he was pulling in English because he messed up on his book report about Huck Twain. And the other kid was almost cool but still liked playing Football on the sports team. And none of them could really be cool until they learned that the most important part of being cool was to not care about anything. Also, smoking cigarettes too.

"What are we gonna do today, Sticks?" lisped Petey the other kid I forgot to mention who was cool because he knew how to dress and sometimes wore eye make-up on his eyelids.

"We're gonna PAR-TAY!" yelled Sticks while throwing his fist in the air and yelling! Par-tay was the cool way of saying party and not Pig Latin for Tpar like you might have thought.

"All right!" all the nearly cool kids yelled as they piled into the T-Top Camaro and peeled one out of the parking lot. Pretty soon they were at the cabin by the lake and partying like nobody's business. It certainly wasn't the Sheriff's business but there he was anyway to break up the good time!

"What's all this?!" screamed the Sheriff as he shot his gun into the air. "Keep it down, you ruffians!"

"We'll keep it down when we're done partaying, old man!" muttered Sticks as he turned down the radio and waited for the Sheriff to turn around. The Sheriff narrowed his eyes and put a toothpick in his mouth also and then he turned around. When he did, Sticks threw an empty beer can at his head! But he missed since he never played the High School Baseball. The Sheriff turned around really quickly and narrowed his eyes even more.

"I'm watching you, Bosley Michaels!" he warned. He knew Sticks's real name because he used to date Sticks's mother in High School and the secret surprise is that he is really Sticks's father!

"Watch this!" shouted Sticks and raised up his middle finger high over his head. But this was after the Sheriff was gone so that he wouldn't be arrested. Then the fat kid turned up the radio and they drank more beer and partayed until school started again on Monday. Sticks probably did it with a couple of high school chicks too after they did some skinny dipping.

THE END!

Sticks is going to score.

After some drama, The Green Team lands on the meteor to start exploring. Commodore 64 wanted to check out the meteor because his father had connections with the Temple that owns the meteor. So I guess they're on this mission on their own as Kid Space Detectives and not as Independent Contractors working for Bellachek Temple. Anyway, I guess they're going to fight some aliens now!

Or super villains!

Also, I guess Bellachek Temple is a person and not a Jewish organization.

The super villain's name is Icicle and he immediately wants to show The Green Team some party tricks. It's an odd place and an odd time but I guess first impressions are pretty important, so if he wants to show off, who am I to rain on his frozen parade?

My biggest question regarding this whole meteor strip-mining ramming it into Earth with an Icicle super villain steering it is this: why is Icicle wearing pants?

Icicle. What a dumb name! At least 90s Image it up and call yourself ICIKILL! Ice Sickle would have worked as well but then he'd probably have to star in Katana and that would actually be worse than appearing in this book.

Commodore 64 suits up in his Green Power Ranger gear to battle Isickill while the others save the world from impending meteor doom! Hopefully none of them get Space Madness! I also hope Aerosmith doesn't write a smarmy song about this!

Things begin to go tits up which means things are going bad which is weird because it sounds like things are just starting to get awesome. But Icy Dead People begins freezing the fuck out of everything by creating ice out of non-existent water vapor or something. I don't know how it works! There doesn't have to be a scientific explanation for everything, does there?! I wonder how many people snort in derision when they read something like this and then wander off to pray to God? But I guess praying to God and snorting in derision is easier than actually learning shit.

"I don't want to close my eyes! I don't want to ever...." Oh no! Put away your fucking guitars, Aerosmith! Stop it! We're not going there! Shut it down, Stephen!

And then Icitickle destroys The Green Team's ride home! Oh well. Living on a meteor probably isn't so bad. I think next issue might be the last issue of this comic.

The Green Team #5 Rating: +2 Ranks. This comic might actually have had a chance from this point onward. Initial storylines can really fucking suck and drag on and hurt a fucking comic book. But now they're a team and they can go on fun missions where they have fun like swimming in a zero-G swimming pool and cuckolding each other in zero-G and fighting bad guys in zero-G! Everything is so much more exciting in zero-G! I don't even know if I'm writing that correctly! Is there a hyphen? Is Zero capitalized? Is the "g" not capitalized? I might know if I were actually intelligent and didn't simply rely on Lord Google for all of my knowledge, wisdom, and personality. Also my jokes.