Red Hood and the Outlaws #24

Ooh! Ooh! Who is it?! The Caped Batflamboyance?! The High Collared Batfop? The Royal Batdouchebag?

So Jason Todd was bitten by the Dress Like Brother Blood Bug. There are worse viruses that can infect your system. Although that Goddamned leering Bronze Tiger is still pissing me off! And making me hungry for cereal!

Last issue, Red Hood defeated his friends, The Outlaws. But The Outlaws were okay with that because they love Jason Todd and they believe in him and they know that even though he has forgotten everything he ever knew, he still loves them, way deep down in his heart where amnesia can't penetrate! I mean, he can't remember their faces or their names or what it felt like when his dick was deep within them, but you can't erase love! Right?!

The issue begins with December Graystone having a Blood Battle with a mysterious man in Assassin's Creed Cosplay. December remembers this mysterious figure and also has a stupid name. You know what doesn't make you creative? Naming your child. If that's the limit of your creative genius as a human being, you've failed. Especially if you've named your child December. Why not Decagon? Or Decimate? Anything with the Roman prefix for ten is really popular this year! Decompose! Oh wait. That's different somehow. Maybe December was actually named after Francis E. Dec! Now that's something of which I can approve! Normally, I would say, "That's something I can approve of!" But I wanted to sound more sober than I actually am.

Getting back to that mysterious figure, I don't know who it is. Ra's al Ghul? Did he set this all up as a Halloween prank? I still hope it's Bruce Wayne trying to find the Fountain of Undeath to toss Damian into. Although Bruce has lost Damian's corpse, so it really isn't going to help him any.

Underground, Jason Todd and the League of Assassins are busy trying to keep The Untitled out of the pool.

Really? Because I'm fairly certain there are only six or seven of them. The unamnesiac Jason Todd could have taken care of them with his memories tied behind his back! Oh wait....

I guess when your enemies can turn into amorphous blobs of ghostly sentimentality when they're stabbed in the face, six or seven is all that are needed to wipe the floor of Assassinsville with your still beating heart. Luckily Jason Todd is getting advice from his Magic Swords, so he doesn't have to rely on his memory to remind him that The Untitled can be killed by copper. This whole amnesia thing at least gives The Untitled lass from way back in Issue 3 or 4 an out for letting that secret slip! That was almost embarrassing!

Meanwhile Roy Harper is sitting in prison beneath the surface of the beneath the surface city of 'Eth Alth'Eban. I hope I didn't just summon a Great Old One by typing that! Hopefully if I did, it'll be confused by the change back to Standard Time and he'll wind up where I will be an hour before I get there! Except all I do is sit at my desk or in front of the Xbox, so that probably won't help any.

Anyway, Roy is sitting in a cell talking to Cheshire who is sitting outside the cell masturbating. Well, she's not actually masturbating because this isn't a Mature Comic and, from what I've heard from my friend J.T., masturbation doesn't exist in the DC Universe. That might explain a lot of shit! Especially Batman! That guy is pent the fuck up. No, Cheshire is not masturbating. But she's staring at Roy Harper and thinking about fucking his face and his fist and probably his feet and most especially his cock and probably fucking him with her fist and maybe with his quiver and probably fiddling about the edges of his anus with just the tip of his great, big, massive bow. But then, who hasn't had those thoughts about Roy Harper? Well, I haven't! I hate him! He's the stupidest motherfucker in The New 52! Fans of Roy Harper should actually be upset that he wasn't sidelined for this shit!

Oh God Damn It! I didn't mean to make you cry! I'm sorry, okay? OKAY?!

Last issue, I was bitching that the writers kept telling us how caring and sweet and emotional Roy Harper was but the comic book wasn't actually showing that side of his character. He just kept doing selfish shit while acting like a smart mouthed jerk. This is the first time I'm actually believing there's more to him! I've been waiting for this moment since James Tynion took over the writing duties. I knew Lobdell was never going to make him anything more than a mouth with smart remarks. And by smart, I mean irritatingly stupid, actually. But you know, smart remarks is the idiom people understand. They don't say, "Enough with the irritatingly stupid remarks, irritatingly stupid mouth!" Although they really should.

Anyway, it's those tears that finally get Roy Harper fucked by Cheshire! Which is actually counterproductive to what he supposedly just confessed because here he is getting selfishly laid while his best buddy fights for his life and his other best buddy sits in chains which is her worst nightmare. Good for you, Roy!

This is going to be my go-to post-coitus line from now on!

For some reason, Roy Harper's story is the most interesting part of this book this month. Back at the big battle, Jason Todd has discovered that he can kill The Untitled by dunking them in the Well of Sins. Or maybe he's just being tricked, right? Maybe that's what they want! It's hard to tell because comic books like to alter reality every few pages and call it a "twist" as opposed to "the writer changing his mind mid-script." Jason also discovers that his memory wasn't just wiped but that Ducra fucked with it somehow. She may have even implanted herself in there like a disgusting spider that lays eggs in your brain after you've gone out in a beehive hairdo.

The leader of The Untitled, Ducky McSideburns, is shoved in the well and has his powers sucked out of him, turning him back into a real boy. Afterward, Lady Shiva and her army of Manbats begin gathering up the rest of The Untitled and tossing them into the Well.

Umm, Lady Shiva? That outfit might be just a little bit too tight.

While Cheshire takes Roy to see Starfire, the mysterious Assassin's Creed Cosplayer arrives to nitpick Jason Todd's successful campaign against The Untitled. He's also come to take a dunk in the now re-powered Well of Sins because it's been a long time since he's had a nice long bath in a decent Lazarus Pit. Most of the other ones he's soaked in were mostly composed of urine and bits of dead flesh.

I thought about scanning the full page reveal that it is Ra's al Ghul but this page is better in that it sums up the first two years of Red Hood and the Outlaws in one page. And it's a much better read! And quicker!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. Yay for the end of The Untitled arc! Hip hip yippee! Perhaps James Tynion will now feel free to abandon every single piece of shit plot hook left by Scott Lobdell and turn this into a comic book worth reading! And maybe Ra's al Ghul and the League of Assassins will eventually get their own title!

Addendum (that has nothing to do with Red Hood but should go somewhere): One of the worst things about life is not being able to control even the things that seem inherently under your own control. Over the last month or two, this blog has seemed like a chore. I would write a commentary and just be sad that it wasn't what it should be. I wind up disappointed and upset that I'm failing the readers. And I always feel I could change that, if I just tried harder! If I just put more into it! Somehow it was my own lack of desire to write commentaries that would make myself laugh when I reread them. But this happens occasionally, of course. I know this. I live it. The brain chemistry goes through its cycles, its motions. And eventually I return to the point where writing the commentaries comes naturally and fills me with energy. There's a manic rush where my mind throws out too many responses to everything I'm reading. Maybe too much sometimes as I mix up everything I'm trying to say! But those commentaries can be funny too as they boggle the mind and you just have to wonder, "What the fuck is that guy thinking?" Even I don't know sometimes, just a month later when I reread them! But getting through those times when I'd rather be in bed sleeping than reading comic books can be pretty fucking annoying. But right now? I'll embrace this feeling. Let's read more comic books, shall we?!