Superman #24

Triple Yippee Yay! The end of the Psi War!

Why was Mike Johnson brought in to finish Scott Lobdell's Psi War story? Was Editorial sick of Lobdell's Psionic Story not going anywhere? So they called in Mike Johnson to clean it up before Lobdell began his ridiculous Krypton Returns story? How do I know it's ridiculous when I haven't read it yet? Because it was written by Scott Lobdell, of course! Where have you been for the last two years? Reading Marvel? Well, if you were, lucky you. I wonder if anybody would notice if I stopped reading the 26 worst DC books and just began picking up Marvel comic books?

Last issue, Blue Lightning Lois Lane arrived to knock Psycho Pirate's mind dick out of Superman's brain sphincter. This issue begins by learnin' us about Lois Lane's 3rd Grade experience of being struck by lightning. She wrote a paper about it and it was published in the local paper. I don't know where Lois Lane grew up but now I know it was a place where an eight year old was as competent at writing newspaper stories as the adults. I suppose it might have been a gimmick by the local paper to sell more papers. "Read the SHOCKING firsthand account of the little girl ravaged by nature's fury!" But Lois Lane would never let a little girl scoop her! Fuck that sentimental shit! Lois would have gotten the story if she'd had to set the little girl's backpack on fire.

I read this immediately as "part of this story." And I was sympathetic.

Psycho Pirate defeats Lois and then takes off to turn everybody in Metropolis into emotional basketcases. He says he's freeing them from the shackles of civility or something. I guess that means freeing them from the ability to be kind and generous and peaceful as well. As if the only reason people don't rape and kill every other person is because society made some rules and we've all been brainwashed to follow them. If Psycho Pirate really is freeing everybody to act on "pure emotion," most people are going to feel empathy as strongly as any of the others. The only thing that would really happen would be a small percentage of sociopaths that were previously "passing" due to enforced laws would start acting inappropriately. So they'd probably start spitting on other people and killing too. Both of those things are inappropriate!

Lois heals Superman with her psychic powers but I guess she can control her powers well enough to keep from reading his mind. Although I'm sure she's quite curious to know his secret identity. And she's a reporter who must always get the scoop! So my guess is that she's going to pry a little bit and find out he's Clark Kent. Once she discovers it though, she'll decide to keep it to herself because he's a good friend. But she'll probably also decide he's a better catch than that other jerk she's been dating. What was his name? Steve? Mark? Dildo?

Once Superman is okay, Hector Hammond reappears. He's soon followed by one more old friend.

She merely looks like every other creator of a Social Media Website.

The people of Metropolis begin killing the fuck out of each other because Psycho Pirate took away their civility. "See, civilization is basically a big lie that we all buy into." Yes, that's how civilization works. But it's not a lie. It's a way to survive and to thrive as a species. We have the time to create and invent and think and relax when we agree to not steal the neighbor's shit and fuck her cute little dog Merle. She trusts that I won't do that and I trust that she won't burn my fucking house down. Sure, sometimes we break the rules a bit in an effort to get along as peacefully as possible. Like how she had some industrial sized wind chimes hanging right on the other side of my bedroom and I decided that sucked so I went out one morning and cut out the clapper so I could get some sleep. Was it a civil solution to the problem? Probably not. But nobody lost face and I get to sleep! Psycho Pirate continues with "It's not the natural state of things." No, it's not the "natural" state of things. But the natural state of things also isn't everybody running riot killing each other for no reason. As I said before, you take away civility and rules and you'll still have people who are filled with kind emotions instead of selfish ones and people filled with bravery instead of fear. Society wouldn't necessarily fall apart. We're still basically pack animals. And while a few pack animals fight over their place in the pack, most of them are content to just hang out and enjoy the protection of the group.

I'm not unsympathetic to the idea that phrases like "please" and "thank you" aren't mostly used as bullshit politeness. After all, I am the guy that has decided to stop shaking hands since it's far too aggressive an act. But I'm not certain I'm ready to admit that my "true self" is an eight year old cannibal.

Psycho Pirate believes he's saving the city. And Superman arrives to stop him using the only means Superman understands, especially when things get too cerebral or magicky: start punching stuff in the face!

I just pointed that out, Psycho Pirate! Stop reading my mind or being omniscient or whatever! Jerk.

Luckily the Psionics arrive to back up Superman. Speaking of psionics, when I first got into Dungeons and Dragons in the 5th Grade, my cousins and I were not really big followers of the rules. Or readers of them, actually. We mostly made up our own rules. We also, apparently, didn't understand the rules we half-assedly read either. Somehow we got it into our minds that Infravision was a psionic power that could cause people's heads to blow up. We also called it "in-fray-sion." I have a feeling this was a rule foisted on me by my Cousin Jerry because I would never have made that mistake with my reading comprehension! I have the standardized test score results to back me up!

Anyway, Lois realizes the Psycho Pirate needs to lose the Medusa Mask. Separating him from the mask is possibly the only way to beat him. And that sounds like, finally, a job for Superman! Or The Flash but he isn't around. Too bad once the task is done, Superman is too stupid and weak-willed to keep from shoving the mask on his own stupid Kryptonian face.

Okay, Lois. We get it! You know his secret. Now how about not shouting it in front of the entire city, hunh?

Superman is able to pull off the Medusa Mask and destroy it which sucks for anybody hoping for future appearances of Psycho Pirate that aren't written by Scott Lobdell and whomever Editorial can drudge up to finish Lobdell's shitty stories. The people of Metropolis are now free of Psycho Pirate's influence but they're once again under the control of the Iron Prison of Civilization! Ha ha! Losers! And then Lois Lane begins to fade away. My guess is Electric Blue Lois will simply fade out of existence and Lois Lane will wake up again in the hospital with no memories of the events of this story.

This is a nice moment that I'm not going to ruin with a dick joke. Although I've got a pretty good one about a vagina! No, no. I'll abstain.

Lois actually just loses her Electric Blue costume and morphs back into normal Lois in normal clothing. Clark Kent returns her to the hospital where she remains in a coma. Then he's sucked out into space to take part in the greatest comic book story to ever be told at either Marvel or DC! At least according to Scott Lobdell.

Superman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad the Psi War is over, so that's a plus. But the story overall was a big miss. So that's a minus. But I did like the moment with Superman and falling-into-a-coma Lois. So that's a plus! I hate that all of the psychics just simply disappeared at the end of the comic book. What kind of stupid resolution is that? Minus! But I also like that Lois Lane now knows Superman's identity. That's a plus and I hope she actually retains the memory when she comes back around. It seems highly unlikely though.