Catwoman #24

The turtle looks confused. Probably by Ann Nocenti's dialogue.

Last issue, The Joker's Daughter was upset that she hadn't been invited to the wedding of Tinkerbutt and Cake. What she didn't know was that Catwoman stole Cake's father's test tube full of Airborne Goat Syphilis which caused him to call off the wedding because you can't have a proper Underground Warhog Wedding without any Airborne Goat Syphilis. And since The Joker's Daughter wasn't up to speed on the status of the biggest underground social event of the season, she waylaid Catwoman and Tinderbot as they escaped the Warhog compound.

You'd all forgive me if I just put this comic book in the trash and ended my commentary right now, wouldn't you?

I think November 5th should be Speak Like An Ann Nocenti Character Day instead of Guy Fawkes Day! So that's what I'm going to do! First I'll go out to breakfast.

Server: "You are the customers. What will you order?"
Me: "Chicken eggs are ovulations. Why would I eat those?"
Server: "We have bacon and oatmeal."
Me: "By that logic, oatmeal is a filthy creature."
Server: "That will be $12.50 plus tip which is the easiest tip to calculate if you were of a mind to tip 20%."
Me: "I have never been a calculator. Jack Tramiel sold calculators long before he sold home computers. His Vic 20 was advertised by William Shatner. Goodbye!"

Dammit. I just can't do Ann Nocenti dialogue! It's because I can't quite pick out what's wrong with it. The characters are basically stating non sequitors which work as facts to kind of set up their next statement. And the characters barely interact with each other. When Catwoman states the fact that The Joker's Daughter's face is rotting, The Joker's Daughter responds as if Catwoman insulted it. But she was just stating a fact! There was no judgment! She didn't call it ugly or nasty. And then Catwoman's argument against The Joker's Daughter wearing the face isn't that it's a disgusting, filthy hazardous piece of rotting medical waste fished out of a sewer but that "The Joker tortures people." Ick! I can see wearing Princess Diana's face...but The Joker's?! Gross!

Catwoman really can't get past it.

The above panel was a bit confusing because The Joker's Daughter began the encounter by calling Tupperbox and Catwoman "Girlfriends" and now Catwoman decides to use the term as well. But Catwoman's hatred for The Joker takes another twist as we realize it isn't his madness or his torturing people or his cackling or his insanity or his tormenting that drives Catwoman batty. Nope. It's because she has a short fuse for jokes. That's why she can't believe The Joker's Daughter is wearing The Clown Prince of Crime's face!

I hate to scan so many pictures so early in my reading (not really), but this next panel is a perfect example of how Ann Nocenti's Characters talk past each other.

To be fair, I probably wouldn't listen to an idiot wearing some other person's actual face over their own either. To be fairer, The Joker's Daughter does respond directly to the boiling pot of crabs analogy. But that part didn't back up my point the way this first part did.

Which one of them is going to pull that light switch in the middle of the sewer tunnel? It must be there for a reason, right?! I bet it opens up a passage to the conservatory.

The Switch drops a flood gate (or makes it materialize out of thin air (or creates a spinning death blade that The Joker's Daughter calls a flood gate. It's hard to tell. Rafa draws some nice asses but sometimes I can't follow the panel to panel story telling so well)) which knocks Catwoman back into a pit which must lead to lots and lots of water because The Joker's Daughter says, "Hope she can swim. Most cats can't." Oh bullshit. Cats can swim just fine. They just want to tear out the throat of everybody in a four mile radius when they get wet.

Except cats also sometimes grab things with their claws as they fall so that they don't have to land on their feet! (I'm getting better at talking like an Ann Nocenti character!) Catwoman apparently has Batgrapple technology infused into her whip and she winds up hanging in the middle of a deep shaft. And then the next panel, she's swung up into another tunnel above some Warhogs. Once again, I'm bemused by the panel layout. But Catwoman's Narration Boxes at least show she has an angle and an option and a way out of whatever's happening. So let's just pretend she did what I think we're supposed to think she did: Catwoman swung into a tunnel which housed a bridge crossing the shaft she was hanging in and landed on a ledge above the tunnel's floor where a bunch of Warhogs were marching.

Of course he didn't make it! You spent too much time hunting Corpse Diamonds for Alice Tesla and then running around with Princess Tenderbox, fighting with Warhogs, dancing with The Joker's Daughter, and following a stupid cat around! I'd hate for you to be my emergency contact!

I know, I know! A burnt body and some clothes does not make for a dead Rat-Tail. He could still be alive. I'd actually prefer him to be dead because that story is so far in Ann Nocenti's past now, why bring him back into it? Better to just kill him and move on. Although this being comic books, it's always best to leave things ambiguous, so an unrecognizable corpse and Rat-Tail's clothes is the perfect plot point.

It turns out Rat-Tail is actually one of the Warhogs carrying the body! It's the shortest red herring burnt corpse plot point ever! But that's because Rat-Tail's stupid haircut gave him away. Catwoman gets him alone so that he can yell at her for starting the war in the Badlands.

Actually, The Penguin began the war by selling drug-laced Popsicles to the people in Rat-Tail territory. Catwoman just happened to have a beef with The Penguin and decided to help the Rat-Tails defend their turf against The Penguin. I don't think very much of it was Catwoman's fault at all! She just decided to join in because she doesn't like The Penguin's criminal business ethics. Although, allowing for my faulty memory, I could be completely wrong about all of that!

Meanwhile Doctor Phosphorus is busy making more Corpse Diamonds. He's seeding them all over Gotham by pretending they're made out of the corpses of people's loved ones. But they explode when exposed to the perfect power chord! Then they'll all explode and turn Gotham into a fiery pit where he and his daughter, Bendertocks, can live peacefully above ground.

Did I mention Tinkerbust was kidnapped by The Joker's Daughter? The Joker's Daughter points out that Tankerbucks should have married Rake but Kindereggs has suddenly done a complete 540 on her marriage stance. Now instead of wanting any husband at all, even one that beats her, she has decided that she doesn't want a husband if it means she has to be sold with a bunch of goats. So fucking picky. That's the best way to be sold! With goats!

The Joker's Daughter wants to team up with Tinseltits to take over the Gotham Underground. Her plan is to flood a section of Charneltown so that everybody knows who's in charge now! I guess the statement is self-evident because the Nethers must be the only part of the Underground capable of flooding the rest. So everybody will know The Joker's Daughter was behind it. But when The Joker's Daughter begins the flood, her Ugly Cat is caught in the water! What an amateur super villain! Don't you know you always sit down with the cat in your lap, stroking it, as you enact your evil plan? What a jerk.

Meanwhile, Alice Tesla is an idiot. Let me show you why.

Example A. She knows just what to do!

Example B. Even though she had her "a-ha" moment and knows exactly what to do, she continues to use guess work.

Example C. She blows herself up.

The issue ends with Rat-Tail, Catwoman, and Ugly Cat drowning while Tinderbox and The Joker's Daughter team up to take over the Underground.

Catwoman #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really should have thrown it in the garbage immediately.