Forever Evil #3

Bizarro's costume sure looks a lot fancier than the inside out shirt he put on last issue.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Catwoman appeared at STAR Labs with a gigantic hunk of meat and shrapnel that they had named Victor Stone for some reason. They believe Doctor Stone can infuse their hunk of meat with life because obviously scientists are miracle workers. And I don't mean they teach language skills to kids that can't hear or see! Although they might. They're probably constantly working on machines and software and programs that help people make their way every day in this harsh and unforgiving world. I wouldn't compare it to all the praying that religious people do to help the disenfranchised, the meek, and the poor, but scientists are trying! It's a lot harder when you don't have an omnipotent being to push around and do all of the work for you.

Batman explains what happened in-between the final issue of Trinity War and the first issue of Forever Evil. While he and Catwoman hid behind some rubble to do whatever those two perverts were going to do, the rest of the team were sucked into the living embodiment of Slash Fiction: Firestorm.

So the Firestorm Matrix is The Cube everybody is imprisoned in?

Even in The Red Room at STAR Labs, a television constantly plays news against the backdrop of life. And that's where Batman learns that Nightwing has been captured and that The Crime Syndicate has revealed that his secret identity is Richard Grayson. Batman immediately shits his pants and says, "Um, Doc, we gotsta go!"

Meanwhile Victor Stone is tapping out "Kill me" on the metal table in Morse Code with the end of his spine.

Luckily everybody in the DC Universe is too stupid to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman, so revealing that Nightwing is Dick Grayson isn't really going to be the clue that breaks the camel's back. But even still, Batman needs to go put out this fire as fast as possible. So it's "Good luck with your son, Doctor Stone but adios motherfucker!"

Back in Metropolis, the best buddy movie ever is underway.

The new Bizarro is either childlike or gay. I've got my fingers crossed for both.

While Lex Luthor hooks up his Bizarrovision Satellite, Ultraman smashes Black Adam's jaw and knocks a bunch of teeth out. Out of every violent action depicted in comic books, I think artists go too quickly to teeth coming out. They do know that gums don't merely scab over and new teeth come in, do they? Black Adam is going to need some serious dental work after this and who is going to perform that surgery? Who can?! He's invulnerable. I suppose he can go to Zatanna's Esuoh fo Yrtsitned for a quick touch up. I guess Superman can always get his degree as a dentist in ten minutes and then use his super eyes and super breath and super sticky semen to fix up Black Adam's mouth. Or maybe Black Adam can just look like a hockey player for the rest The New 52's lifetime.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm and Power Ring bully the Rogues because the Rogues aren't destroying Central City which the Crime Syndicate asked them, nicely, to do. Although most of the city looks like it's already on fire after Grodd's invasion so I think Deathstorm and Power Ring simply want to pick a fight. Deathstorm manages to rewrite Captain Cold's DNA so he loses his ice powers. He also fucks up the rest of the Rogue's powers so that Mirror Master and the others become trapped in the Mirror World. Captain Cold heads off to make a new Cold Gun while Lex Luthor and Bizarro wander into town. And Black Manta appears out of the river dragging Black Adam behind him. No wonder it's called Central City! All plot lines lead here!

Sheesh. I thought I sucked at DC Geography but I think I might have a better handle on it than Geoff Johns.

Forever Evil #3 Rating: No change. Lex Luthor and his mini-Legion of Doom are Earth's last, best hope! Except for Batman. He's the bestest, lastest hope. Maybe they'll team up after they fight for a few pages next issue. How could they lose with the smartest and the second smartest man working on the same team? I don't know who the third smartest person on this Earth is now that Mister Terrific is gone. Probably Dr. Veritas. But only when she's not being written by Scott Lobdell.