Wait. What? I still have an Annual to read?!
Time for a speed reading of Swamp Thing Annual #2!
The issue begins with a Narrator judging us for having to eat food. Forgive me for trying to keep my biological processes going! I would love to be a plant as well and just soak up the nutrients as I went about my daily life. It sure would save a lot of time! And money! Shit, if we got our nutrients directly from sunlight, we'd all be free of our corporate overlords! We could walk out on our jobs and shove our middle finger right in the boss's face! Or the boss's secretary's face, if he's in a meeting or something. Sure, there would still be people who would work long hours for large stacks of cash so they could buy luxury items. But just imagine not needing a fucking job at all?! Sun and water is all you need to live? I mean all you need to live without working to grow crops using sun and water. Because, really, sun and water is basically all you need to live now! But you need land too right now and that's a bit harder to come by what with governments and thieving property owners. Why isn't science working on chlorophyll implants? Oh, that's right. Because of what I just said. Because it would free us all from the shackles of capitalist work ethics.
The good old days is right! But then those fucking herbivores came along and had to shit on the Goddamned party. Literally! Those things shit everywhere!
The plant's defense against the herbivore invasion was not to propagate in huge numbers, or to become poisonous, or to shift all of their energy into delicious little hanging sacks of sugar to distract the greedy, stupid plant eaters, as you might have guessed. No, the plant's defense was to kidnap one of the eaters and turn it into a meat/plant hybrid to protect them. That makes sense. We used that defense in junior high! Instead of hanging out with more and more nerds so we were less likely to be the one picked on by a bully, we showed the bully how to play Dungeons and Dragons and got him to join us! Or did we just dream of doing that? I can't remember due to all of the concussions from banging my head against porcelain during the twice-daily swirlies.
Eventually man reared his handsome, lovely locked head and the Green shit itself. That's when they created The Parliament of Trees so that they would have a reservoir of wisdom to combat the intelligence of mankind. Probably also the brutality. And the selfishness.
This must be The Seeder's Patron in the Parliament of Trees. He's quite the refined vegetable.
The patron's name was The Wolf and he must have been the Avatar of 1920s New York. Or maybe 1790s Philadelphia. Perhaps 1630s London? Apparently my brain doesn't know anything about historical decor either! Maybe if I knew what year Grape Earrings were in, I'd have a better guess. Stupid fucking brain! Stop playing so much Call of Duty and get thee to a library!
Benjamin Franklin was an Avatar?
The Wolf sends Alec on alone to attain wisdom from Lady Weeds. The Wolf is afraid of her because she is a lady. Or maybe because she's a weed. When Swamp Thing stumbles upon her, she, as The Wolf did, points out how shitty he's been as an Avatar even though he's full of potential. They acknowledge he could be a great Avatar but they love to point out how often he's nearly failed as well. Alec really needs to point out how he saved their fucking asses and gave them a nice, new swampy home to live in. If I were Alec, when I got back home, I'd build a nice dark shed around the Parliament of Trees and make them work for their daily dose of sunlight. Fuck these bastards.
Never mind what I just said. I'm quite partial to Lady Weeds. *swoon*
What was I just saying?
Lady Weeds teaches Swamp Thing another trick, one that I've been yelling at his stupid face for about twenty four issues now: stop thinking of yourself as a human!
I would gone with Leaves of Grass but then I'm not as violent-minded as Lady Weeds.
Except it was her rival that was from Ireland which is why Lady Weeds introduced the fungus that destroyed the potato crops. Creating the plague on the potatoes caused the Parliament at the time to stop challenging her for some reason. I guess it made them all happy that she took out her anger on The Red's smartest monkeys.
Oh yeah, see? I should probably stop thinking about the comic book and just read ahead so the comic book tells me the things I come up with anyway. It'd be quicker and easier!
I knew Alec wasn't going to learn that thing about babies because he never visited me.
If only everyone would learn this fucking lesson already.
Swamp Thing Annual #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. I usually don't change a comic book's rankings for an annual but since none of the rules in my life are written in stone, I'm giving Swamp Thing a boost for this issue. This issue was charming and other words I wanted to use to describe it that have fled from my mind. I really love Charles Soule take on this character. And the characters he's created to be members of the Parliament? I love them all and I can't wait to meet the rest!