Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Suicide Squad #25

I wish OMAC would get a sexy outfit.

Last issue, The Thinker was building a new Brother Eye in Belle Reve so that he could control OMAC. He posed as Amanda Waller to get The Unknown Soldier, Steel, Power Girl, and some new idiot named Warrant to retrieve OMAC. At the same time, Amanda Waller sent Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Captain Boomerang to get OMAC for her. Why all the fighting over OMAC? OMAC is a piece of shit that should just be forgotten about already. Although I did like Kevin Kho, so I won't mind if OMAC joins the Suicide Squad and runs around as Kevin most of the time.

Is anybody else's mind preoccupied with all the fucking tasty, fucked up, American shit they're going to be gorging on tomorrow?! The only good reason to have older family members living in the same city as you is the home cooked Thanksgiving meals. If they don't cook Thanksgiving meals, get the fuck out of my city. Stop trying to bond with me on non-holiday days. Leave me alone unless you've got a big bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, jerks. The only thing thicker than blood is gravy, so get to cooking!

The first page of Suicide Squad #25 is like a fucking novel.

Come on, Matt Kindt! There's a reason I'm reading comic books! And, here's a hint, it's not for all the fucking words. Why do you think Cerebus lost so many readers the longer it went on?! I wonder if I can get somebody to read this to me.

The first thing The Thinker thinks about is how he got his Super Villain Name: a cruel children's nickname. Duh! That's how they all get their names! Haven't you been reading every single one of my commentaries, The Thinker? Get on board, you fucknugget.

The Thinker is one of those super smart villains that doesn't just think "ten or twenty moves ahead," he thinks "years ahead!" Come on, Matt Kindt! I don't need you writing one of these Goddamned villains that can somehow account for every fucking possibility and be completely prepared. He claims he's been counting on being in Belle Reve for years at just this moment with his playing pieces arranged perfectly on the board. Because years ago, he realized The Crime Syndicate was going to invade Earth and cut the power and cause an eclipse and ask for OMAC to be handed to them? The Thinker, you are worse than Harvest! But you know the most unbelievable part of his plan? That he knew some idiot named Warrant was going to exist! That was probably just random luck which he probably factors into all of his equations.

One thing The Thinker didn't prepare for two to three years ago was his chess pieces talking to each other! Why should he prepare for that? How often does that ever happen? Super heroes usually meet up, punch each other in the kidneys for fifteen pages, and then realize they should probably not be doing that. But The Thinker's pieces only spend four pages battling before they have the conversation that will undo all of The Thinker's plans.


Why the hell am I writing new stuff every fucking commentary?! I need to develop more catch phrases like "WHOOPS!" and "Fuck Scott Lobdell!" and then just cut and paste them into every commentary I do! That's what the masses go for, right? Bazinga! D'oh! You 'avin' a laugh? Let's go out behind the barn and fuck. That last one was Laura Ingalls' catch phrase if I'm remembering it correctly. Maybe I'm remembering the Porn Parody, "Little Ho on the Prairie."

Deadshot quickly figures out who was recruited by the real Amanda Waller because the Waller that recruited the heroes was too open, honest, and professional. She didn't threaten anybody or stick bombs in them or act superior, so no way she was the real Amanda. If The Thinker is as smart as he says he is, then he planned for his pawns to figure it all out and he's ready for whatever move they make next. I know that's how Harvest would do it.

And there it is! The Thinker's real plan! I think he and Harvest would make a great couple.

Harvest standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
The Thinker standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
Harvest and The Thinker together: "Sixty nine, dude!"

Harley Quinn repeats the activation code to fire up OMAC. The code is binary and amounts to saying " “² " with six extra ones and zeroes which would end the sequence in a "t" or a "u" or a "v" or a "w". I really wish the binary would have translated into something awesome.

Harley blows up the mountain, collapsing it on the other team members and then flies away with OMAC as her prize.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller is forced to visit Level Seven to release her final play against The Thinker.

I'm surprised the code isn't "51773 173". Or, you know, "5318008".

While Waller is entering Level Seven, King Shark shows up to eat her face. James Gordon, Jr, stops King Shark to let him know that Amanda is the only person that can find King Shark's dad (Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark!). And to really calm down King Shark, James Gordon, Jr, has prepared a meal of Hippogriff Chum.

The door Amanda Waller is looking for leads to Task Force Y and a creature that apparently wants Amanda's sweetmeats.

I don't know who this is. Not at all. Is it Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark?!

Suicide Squad #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Was making Task Force X "Task Force 10" too obvious? I suppose giving yourself room to invent twenty five other Task Forces is a lot more fun!

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