Sunday, November 17, 2013

Earth 2 #17

I hope Earth 2 New Batman is Ben Affleck.

Last issue ended with Earth 2 getting a great big cock right up its hoo-haw. Even Steppenwolf was fucked hard when Brutaal sliced him in twain with his Kryptonian heat vision. Oh yeah, Brutaal turned out to be Superman. Has he been working undercover? And is Bedlam really Aquaman of Earth 2?! I know, you would think Bedlam would be the resurrected, sodomized corpse of Batman because of the connotations of that word with Batman's career. But my guess is it's mummified Aquaman brought back to life by an ancient Atlantean protozoa. And Beguile will turn out to be Aubrey Plaza.

Whoops. Pardon my gaffe. Superman's heat vision was actually an Omega Beam. That's much scarier. I think.

The world is ready to give up because how can they defeat Superman when Batman no longer exists (they haven't seen the cover of the comic so they don't know they still have a chance)? The military has one idea though! It's a long shot! It's not something they've ever tried before! It's pretty crazy because it's the antithesis of everything they stand for! But it's so crazy it just might work! They're going to try to stop Superman using love!

Robot Love, to be exact. Sexy, hot, beautiful assed Robot Love. This plan is a winner!

The ass is in the panel on the next page. You'll have to trust me that it's very nice.

So Lois Lane's consciousness has been downloaded into Red Tornado. Does Red Tornado get a Responsometer? Does Red Tornado have working parts? You know which parts. The important parts! She looks soft and supple. I wonder if she has a kryptonite bomb in her robot uterus? At least Superman will die happy.

Mister Terrific, being the Third Smartest Man on Earth Prime, comes up with a plan that doesn't involve Red Tornado removing her panties: Kryptonite! Oh, unless his plan is also the one I came up with about the Kryptonite Uterus Bomb. But Doctor Fate has an even better answer: Magic! Of course, he could still be talking about Lois's magical vagina. It's probably a good thing I'm not on the Committee to Come Up With a Plan to Defeat Superman.

While the World Army is worried about Superman penetrating their Headquarters and tearing them all apart, New Batman has infiltrated the lower levels! He seems to be seeking the stasis chambers where the World Headquarters keeps its prisoners. I bet Batman has the best plan! Hopefully one of the prisoners is made out of Kryptonite. I shouldn't even try to guess what Batman's plan is even though this is New Batman and probably not as smart as Old Batman. He's smart enough to wear the Batsuit and that's all I need to declare him the greatest hero on Earth 2!

Turns out, Doctor Fate's plan sucked.

Superman does the Kryptonian Twist on Doctor Fate's face which is actually lucky for Doctor Fate since that's probably the only part of him that can withstand Superman's furious stomping. I say "furious stomping" instead of "rhythmic twisting" because Superman isn't fucking good at everything. Ugh. He's as graceful as a three-legged giraffe jonesing for its next heroin fix.

Jay Garrick saves Doctor Fate although the helmet was cracked. This causes Khalid to continue to repeat slogans for cookies or something.

He might be talking about an old dog he once had named Crumbles.

Back at World Army Headquarters (which should just simply be called "Building for Lease" now), Lois Tornado watches her father die and New Batman finally decides to explain his plan instead of beating the shit out of the guys that are simply trying to save the world. Fucking Batman. Why does he always think punching is quicker than explanations? Anyway, his plan is to release some criminals and madmen in the hopes that one of them can help defeat Superman. Or maybe he just wants to use them as cannon fodder while he thinks up an actual plan.

Earth 2 #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm tentatively excited for the new direction this comic book is taking. I want to see all the Earth 2 Unwonders now! I hope the first one Batman frees is Ultra-Humanite! Although I have to wonder what's going on with Fury, Barda, and Scott Free over in Dinosaur Gotham. And Hawkgirl! Wasn't she doing something with some weird couple in Monte Carlo or somewhere? Mainly I have to wonder those things in type in this commentary so that I don't forget that they're happening! Anyway, a whole Earth is a lot to cover in just one comic book!

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