Sunday, November 3, 2013

Justice League #24

Power Ring, that's disgusting.

Since the Justice League is currently dead (or trapped in a Cube (or transporting Victor Stone to the S.T.A.R. Labs Emergency Room)), I have no idea what this issue is going to be about! Is the Justice League going to be on hiatus for a few months while Forever Evil happens? I forget how these crossovers work when a company publishes a mini-series in which everybody is enmeshed. What happens in their regular monthly title?!

Apparently flashbacks! This issue begins twenty five years ago on Krypton Three. The Kryptonians of Krypton Three are huge fucking assholes that nobody would want to be around for any length of time. Although I still like them better than Lobdell's Kryptonians.

I think this might be the origin story from Superman Returns.

Jor-il has recorded a message for baby Ultraman to listen to as he rockets to Earth. It's composed of the most useful tips a young baby will need to grow into a strong and robust young man. First off, he must snort Krytponite to grow healthy and strong. Second, he must stay out of the sun because it causes wrinkles and melanomas. Third, Earth women are whores. And that seems to about cover it! Good luck, baby Kal-il! Hopefully you'll be found by a pair of incestuous serial killer siblings named Bro Kent and Sis Kent! They'll raise you to pillage, rape, murder, and stay out of the sun so you can become a strapping young lad who will probably repay them by burning them alive while they sleep.

Close enough. On Earth Three, this is an ideal, loving relationship. It's just beautiful.

Ultraman adopts these two as his parents (by adopts, I mean forces them into subservience) until he reaches the age of seven when he burns down the farm. Unluckily for my ability to guess the plot of every comic I read, Ultraman kills them and buries them in the cornfield before he burns down the farm. Dammit.

Eventually Ultraman and the Crime Syndicate ruled the Earth until Darkseid came along and shoved an Omega Dildo up its ass. The Earth was destroyed and the Crime Syndicate had nobody left to push around. They needed to find a new Earth. Which is what they did last issue! Weren't you paying attention?

While the other members of the Crime Syndicate involve themselves in other offshoots of the Forever Evil story, Ultraman searches for Kryptonite and prepares to deal with Black Adam.

Also, The Doom Patrol's first appearance!

Ultraman points out to the readers as he narrates the story that the difference between Earth Three and Earth Prime (I know, I know. The old standard (and possibly current one too) is that Earth Prime was the real, actual Earth. But fuck that shit since Earth 1 is prestige format elseworld tales and Earth 2 is the Justice Society, I'm going with Earth Prime. Because I don't want to call the standard New 52 "Earth Zero") is that Earth Three is strong and Earth Prime is weak. It's not about good and evil or opposite time or flip floppitudiness. Although I think he's mistaking "being an asshole" with "having strength of character." I realize a lot of people have this misconception here on Earth Super Prime! Anybody who sees kindness as weakness is just an asshole. Anybody who ever quotes that stupid fucking saying about being liberal when you're young gives you a heart and being conservative when you're old gives you a brain is a dirty douchebag fucknard that I don't want to have anything to do with. Stop quoting platitudes that make your selfishness seem intelligent. If you want to be a selfish prick, just be one. Embrace it. I don't understand why assholes feel the need to appear to be something they're not! If you're not proud of who you are, stop being that fucking person, idiot.

For some reason, the Crime Syndicate members are still attached to the dopplegangers on Earth Prime of people they once knew. So Owlman can't kill Nightwing and actually needs to speak with him. Ultraman heads to the Daily Planet to see how his pal Jimmy Olsen turned out on this world. For a bunch of assholes, they sure are sentimental.

Maybe sentimental is the wrong word. I think I meant "rapey."

Luckily for Lois, Superman just wants to tear her arms and legs off. So at least she won't have to deal with the trauma of being raped. Because she'll cease to exist! Too bad Jimmy Olsen didn't have that luxury. No more casual viewings of Prince of Tides for him! But even luckier for Lois, Black Adam arrives to answer Jimmy Olsen's Superman Signalling Device! For some reason. Perhaps he just zipped by to shut off the shrill noise and decided he'd kill Ultraman while he was visiting. Although Black Adam doesn't find it so easy. Ultraman is just happy to have a challenge. I don't know why all of these villains love challenges! If I were a Super Villain, I'd want all of my conquests to be simple! Or else why bother becoming a Super Villain? Why not just work hard to prove yourself at the day to day challenges of real life in a capitalist culture that expects a can-do, work hard attitude for at least 60-80 hours per week?! Now that's a challenge!

Justice League #24 Rating: No change. I wouldn't wipe King Beauregard's ass with it.

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