Batwing #25

Lucas Fox was like 12 years old during Zero Year, right? Or shouldn't Lucas Fox's Zero Year be the last few issues?

This is the first Zero Year comic book that I'm reading and I hate it already because it cost a whole dollar more than usual! Does Zero Year just mean it takes place at the time when Gotham City was a wasteland because Batman hadn't quite gotten a handle on juggling his duties as Bruce Wayne, Rebuilder of Gotham, and Batman, Insane Savior of the Oppressed? I'm guessing that's what is happening this month. I'm also guessing that Lucas Fox did a lot of drugs and hallucinated fighting zombies as a kid.

You can tell Lucas Fox is a 90's kid. Apparently the losers of my generation (the 70s) decided that when they had children, they would raise them exactly opposite of the way we were raised. I'm fairly certain the most heard phrase out of our parent's mouths was, "Life's not fair. Get used to it," just before they'd shove us outside and tell us to just be home by dark. And try not to forget to bring home some cigarettes from the local convenience store.

I know, I know. You're a 90's kid and your parents told you that life wasn't fair all the time as well. But there's a difference. Your parents used it to explain why they were selfish assholes and you weren't getting your way because it inconvenienced them. But if you ever came home from school and mentioned some injustice perpetrated on you by the staff or some other kid, holy fucking God look out! There will be hell to pay because things need to be Goddamned fair outside the fucking house. Fucking newfangled parents. They're so up their own ass that they can't see how they're letting their kids down by raising them in a world that doesn't actually fucking exist. You know why kids get out of college so far in debt now? It's not (simply) because the secondary educational system has become so greedy and corrupt. It's because kids today were raised to put a premium on education and, in so doing, believed that it was expensive. Instead of teaching kids about debt, parents just began shrugging their shoulders and steering their kids to schools they can't afford. Sure, even people of my generation still have, twenty years down the line, debt from college tuition. They're also part of the problem. If people are willing to go deeper and deeper into debt for their education, the educational system will keep charging more and more. I made the choice to not accrue a massive debt from college. Sure, my father paid for tuition while I paid for supplies and books. But it was San Jose State and quite affordable. And I had a lot of terrific teachers. Fuck people that only pay attention to the name of the school you went to. You don't need debt just to wave around a label. If you need a time out from being an adult, if you just need a few years to study whatever the fuck you want without the agenda of a high-paying job at the end, you can find these things for reasonable amounts of money. Hell, no money if you just educate yourself at a fucking library. And even if your main goal is to get the skills (and the degree!) to become a doctor or a lawyer or some other high-paying job, you still don't need to go to a prestigious college. You can learn that shit anywhere from educators that don't charge a premium. Well, maybe not anywhere! I suppose you could learn brain surgery from the guy living in the cardboard box in the alleyway outside of Walgreens but it might be an uphill battle afterward to get a job with that training.

I'm not completely blaming people that found themselves in huge debt out of college. They're just one part of the issue in that most of them have accepted the terms for their education. But the main problem is the parents of these kids. What kind of world did they bring them up where debt was an ordinary staple in their lives? Was there no thought involved in how to deal with money? Did they teach their kids that college loans were simply free money and they should enjoy it while they can? Did growing up with no-lose T-ball and no-score soccer teach them that everything is a big game without any consequences? I don't fucking know. All I know is that I was raised by a grandfather who once found $1 while in Reno and walked around super excited showing it off to everybody. A few hours later, he was walking around dejected because he lost that $1 playing Craps. I knew if I didn't have the money for some shit, I didn't need that shit. That doesn't make me better than people that found themselves in crazy debt out of college but it did make me better prepared for my adult life and to feel less trapped in my choices. If you leave college in huge debt, the system suddenly owns your ass. You have to get into the work force. You need a job. The System loves these people. The System hates me because I have always been able to shove a job right back up the employer's ass when they didn't treat me well. Debt is the new slavery and corporations and government love it. They fucking revel in that shit. Which is why the big American dream is a great education, a house, a car, and children. Because all of those leave you desperate for money and easily manipulated into taking jobs that fucking suck.

So none of that had to do with Batwing. Sorry.

What if you're fat? Does it owe you something if you're fat?

Luke Fox is busy training at a local gym to learn how to beat up the world when the world mistakes you for a punching bag. To be fair to the world, you kind of look like a punching bag. Perhaps Punching Bag manufacturers should have made punching bags less torso-like. Perhaps Punching Bags should just be outlawed so that people can't compare other people to punching bags and then use that as an excuse to hit them. Also, the words "punch" and "fight" and "kick" should be outlawed because without the words, how can anybody do those actions? Luke doesn't actually have to worry too much about being bullied because he's powerful and muscular and is full of confidence. But his friend the weirdo synesthete isn't so lucky. He talks cinnamon and tastes love so kids think he's a punching bag even though punching bags can't do either of those things. It's more likely he gets beat up because of his orange hair that smells like ice cream. Although, and I know it's not Luke's problem, but if Luke would just beat up one bully that picked on Russ the Synesthete, I have a feeling the bullying would stop. Luke's excuse for not doing it is that he won't always be around. But if Luke just kills one guy for Russ (kills because otherwise things would escalate and Russ would be in trouble), the other bullies won't take that chance and they'll move on to some other weirdo. Problem solved! I think. I might be missing something there. Oh, who cares! It's just a story! This kind of thing doesn't really happen so nobody needs to really think up a way to stop it!

I'm starting to suspect Russ's mouth might be part of his problem as well.

It might be cliche, but I think Russ should become a supervillain! Mostly because his synesthesia would make for a great super power.

On their way home from anti-bully class, Luke and Russ have a run-in with some Gotham Goliaths. Those are gang members and not members of a farm league baseball team. Russ wants to give up his cash like a good victim (plus, giving up cash feels like blowjobs to him) but Luke Fox ain't nobody's mugging victim! Even if the guy has a gun and is threatening to use it. As a twelve year old, you've got to take a stand somewhere, right? Live free or die with some petty cash in your pocket, right? That's the State Motto of Gotham City, right? I've always thought that was a weird name for a state: Gotham City.

Luke beats down the entire gang and then it's Russ's turn to give Luke a few life tips from a professional victim's viewpoint.

See? This is why I said he needed to kill! It's a simple matter of deescalating before things can escalate!

The next week at school, Russ gets tormented and abused until he lashes out and strikes some jerk. That jerk beats the crap out of Russ. Does Russ even feel the beating or does he just smell the overpowering stench of Durian Fruit? Whatever the case, he's well on the road to becoming a Super Villain! He's brilliant and he's ready to strike back. All he needs is for somebody to call him a name so he'll have a moniker! He was called "freak" by the guy that beat him up but that seems too generic for a good super villain name. He might just wind up going with Synesthete.

Russ withdraws from Luke as he plans his costume and theme. And Luke winds up nearly killed by the 99%ers who, I guess, are the gang he beat up on and not the Gotham Goliaths. I guess the Gotham Goliaths actually are the Gotham City Farm League Baseball Team! But Batman saves Luke's life! The real, goshdarned Batman! Talk about your weirdo freaks. Which reminded Luke of his pal, Russ! So Luke rushes home to tell Russ all about his encounter with The Batman!

Good for you, Russ! Now throw that "life is not fair" crap back in their faces! I bet he derives his power from smelling!

Russ heads off to blow up the levee and wash away his school full of bullies. But Luke follows him to try to talk him out of it.

I think Russ faced his problems head on quite nicely. Bravo!

Let me get this straight. It's okay to tell the victims of bullies that life is unfair and that they should learn to defend themselves against the bullies. But what? It's unfair to punish the fucking bullies for doing what they're doing? It's up to the victim to solve the problem as opposed to the headmasters of the school? And it's okay for Luke to react to a bunch of gang members and break their bones and beat the fucking snot out of them but it's not okay for Russ to blow up a levee and drown hundreds of people? Don't you dare tell Russ he's wrong, Luke. He learned you and your Trainer's lessons very fucking well. Life is unfair and now he's dealing with it in an unfair way.

I almost stabbed a bully once. I was one of those kids that would flip out and go insane if people were jerks, so nobody fucked with me because I was unpredictable. But in elementary school, I was in a bowling league on Fridays. There was a bully there named Brian and I guess I did something to piss him off one week because he said if I came back next Friday, I would regret it. So next Friday, I brought a little souvenir knife to school with me to protect myself. And knowing how I used to flip out, I'm sure I would have stabbed him. But someone at school told on me and the knife was taken away and I cried in the principal's office and my grandmother took me home early. But I still went to bowling because fuck anybody telling me what I can and can't do. Anyway, at the end of the round, he started shit with me, I flipped out, and he got kicked out of the league. I could say we're both lucky he didn't get stabbed but, really, he's fucking lucky somebody reported me at school. I suppose a better plan would have been to plant explosives all around the bowling alley and blown everybody sky high. Man, I should have thought that through better!

The police arrive and shit goes down and Luke accidentally triggers the detonator on Russ's bombs, blowing him up and into the reservoir. Luke is arrested although his father probably pulled some strings and had him released with no record of what happened. But Russ's body was never recovered. Because he didn't die! Dun dun DUN!

Russ mentions that Luke Fox named him so I'm guessing he's taken the name "The Victimizer."

Batwing #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I actually read an issue of Batwing without once feeling like I was bored! Good show!