A.R.G.U.S. #1

Wasn't Team 7 cancelled?

You know why people aren't that into the Agents of SHIELD television show? Of course you do. Why would I think you didn't? I actually kind of like the show. Although it isn't a must watch show and it sits on my ChannelMaster for weeks before I decide to watch an episode. The ChannelMaster is the DVR for people that don't have Cable or Satellite television. That's right. I only watch television shows that enter my house through the aether. Or ones that are on Netflix streaming. I also purchase Mad Men and Walking Dead on Xbox video so I can keep current on those shows when they're on. But the point I was making was that nobody wants to read a comic book with a bunch of normal people using guns to solve their problems.

Whoever just snorted and scoffed, "What about The Punisher?" can eat S-H-I-T because Frank Castle is far from a normal person! My only hope is that one of the members of A.R.G.U.S. dies each issue.

I forget what ARGUS stands for! American Regiment Given Unforgiving Suppositories? Oh wait! I remember that it should be ARGUSH because it's Something Something Something Uniting Super Heroes! But what they're really doing is keeping their hundred Argussian eyes on the world!

I just glanced at the cover again and I already hate every member of this team.

The issue begins with some mysterious flaming hand speaking with somebody off-panel about how they're going to blind ARGUS's "all-seeing eye." Actually, they have one hundred eyes. But I guess he's riffing off the logo, so I shouldn't be such a didactic "actually" nerd. If Argus has 100 eyes, does that mean the team (which I was politely reminded on the first page is Advanced Research Group Uniting Superhumans which means I scored 30*% on that quiz!) is set up to have fifty members? I like that! I hope that's the way it is! That way there are fifty members that can be killed during this miniseries! Actually probably more like forty nine since Agent Gunn can't be killed in this series. He has to die in the pages of Vibe doing something heroic! And I don't think Amanda Waller counts. She's like the body of the beast. Mostly the dick.

On page two, the story continues six years ago with Steve Trevor crashing on Paradise Island. I already forgot that Steve Trevor was a member of ARGUS! And that must be his crazy ass grin on the cover. You know, that's the most personality I've seen out of him since The New 52 began!

I'm surprised that Wonder Woman's outfit is straight from Themyscira. I guess it's just a coincidence that it's got the American motif.

That's as much of the initial meeting between Diana and Steve we get. I was hoping for a bit more but this story isn't that story. Speaking of this story, who the hell was that guy with the flaming hand?! The only clue we were given was that his Headquarters was located "somewhere." It might not be a "he" either but his poorly manicured thumb nail and over-sized thumb joint make me suspect male. And even though the other voice was from an off-panel speech bubble, I read it in a woman's voice. Not out loud! But in my head! The way a person reads! It's only a rumor that I act out each comic book in the nude via interpretive dance in front of my life-sized Scott Lobdell cutout.

What rival organizations exist in the DC Universe that would want to fuck with ARGUS? The Blackhawks (aka the Blackrazors)? SHADE (Some Horrible Acronym Deemed Excellent)? Task Force X (although why would Waller want to blind her other group?)? Checkmate (who hasn't been seen in quite some time!)? AMMO (who?)? NOWHERE? I bet it's SHADE since SHADE and ARGUS were forming a cooperative investigative unit in the pages of Forever Evil. Or Trinity War. One of those.

Oh shut up! Who invited you to this comic book? I hate you!

What a surprise! Madame Xanadu exclaims, "I can see the future!" and then tells somebody else to do something for her. When is some skeptic going to come along and bust her ass, exposing her for the manipulative phony she is! She tells Zatanna to send Steve away back when The Crime Syndicate appeared. But before Zatanna casts her hugely complicated spell of "DNES EVETS YAWA!", Madame Xanadu tells Steve to seek out the truth and that this world depends on it. Typical fortune teller! Giving out vague advice. Go to hell.

Since The Crime Syndicate arrived and Steve Trevor woke up at the beginning of this comic book, The Secret Society of Super Villains has been busy killing every member of ARGUS they could find.

That's a bigger body count than I expected for one issue! But it doesn't count since none of the dead were introduced to the reader first! But that still leaves two dozen left to meet and mourn!

Steve Trevor and his coworker Candy Etta get a message that the White House is under attack by Deathstroke. I wonder how much Slade is getting paid? He doesn't kill for free, you know! Trevor runs off to stop him which is a stupid idea because Steve Trevor is just this guy, you know? And Slade Wilson is like OH MY GOD! and then you're just dead. I say the fight will be over in two panels! Steve Trevor steps onto the White House lawn and then the second panel is just black. Because it's from Steve's point of view. And his new point of view is dead.

Here's a little flashback to lengthen the amount of pages until Steve Trevor is dead from a severe sword cut through the neck.

The Secret Origin of ARGUS!

I really like the one page origin story of ARGUS. It's simple. It contains some nice, conversational dialogue relating to the importance of the matter at hand. It's believable. Trevor would do this not because it's a program for spying on the Super Heroes but because it's a program proving they're trustworthy. Trevor also accepts because ARGUS will be the last line of defense if the super heroes have fallen. Which really just means they'll throw their bodies at whatever killed the super heroes so that the president can get in his emergency shuttle and hyperwarp into his Safe Room located somewhere in The Bleed.

After all of my Team 7 talk, I actually forgot that Slade and Steve worked together in that group. I suppose it's because Steve Trevor didn't actually get as much face time in that book as I thought he was going to get when it began. I think the creators forgot about him until Issue Nine or Ten. Which was too bad since it was cancelled at Issue Eight. So the fact that they once worked together means the fight lasts a little longer than I thought. Because they have to reminisce and shit.

I'm fairly certain Trevor's legs are tied up with two tails. So you know what that means! Snake penis!

Ha! I was sort of correct about the fight lasting two panels! The above page was the first actual panel of the fight. Then the very next panel on the next page, Candy's Bio-Bracelet informs her that Steve Trevor has flatlined. Ha ha!

And then Doctor Light's Light Ghost appears to haunt the remains of the ARGUS installation. I guess he wasn't as secure in Heaven as he seemed in the pages of The Phantom Stranger. But he gave away his light power in that comic book to give to his wife! I guess that means he's just using the normal ghost powers to haunt Candy and the other agents.

A.R.G.U.S. #1 Rating: I will begin this comic book between Justice League of America and Action Comics. It's much better than the current Action Comics but reminds me of Justice League of America because they both have Steve Trevor in them. I liked quite a few moments in this comic book which is good because I don't really care about ARGUS at all! Also Wonder Woman looked super cute. Is that the only important thing about Wonder Woman? That she looks super cute? Yes, probably.