Sunday, November 3, 2013

Justice League Dark #24

Everyone's completely sick of your fucking shit, John.

Trinity War wrapped up with a spectacular non-conclusion. The Crime Syndicate has begun their conquest of Earth Prime. The Justice League is dead. And I have no fucking clue where this comic book will fall in the chain of events. Even as tie-ins, these things should be numbered. They should also have a little meter that shows how closely the book ties in to actual events in Forever Evil. So one tiny little bar on the meter would be filled in for a comic book that simply shows the strange eclipse and a monitor that says, "The world is ours." But the entire bar should be filled in for comic books that have Batman in them.

Blow job, heroin, or taking a huge dump?

If this is Constantine receiving a blow job, the reaction at the end is probably because Frankenstein is giving it to him. If it's John on heroin, the reaction at the end is because he's found himself in a squalid apartment with a baby nearby rotting in the crib. If he's taking a huge dump, well, that's the worst possibility: rectal prolapse.

I suppose he could also be hanging from a meathook with all of his Justice League Dark buddies! And he's woken up with Madame Xanadu trying to divine his future. That would startle me as well.

Looks like heroin wins!

John chases away the little Johns and then sits down to catch his breath by lighting up a smoke. He decides that the demons were simply materialized psychisms because who doesn't reach for Jungian terminology when one has a dreamlike experience of existential horror? Maybe this comic book is one of my own, reminding me to fucking finish reading Memories, Dreams, Reflections. And if that's the case, do I really need to do a commentary on a materialized psychism? Seems a tad redundant.

Constantine remembers that the Justice Leagues had their asses kicked by a group that came from "a third Earth." Does nobody have an issue with people from a nicely numbered other Earth? Why is their Earth "Earth 3"? Who made the numbering system? What about Earth 2? What fucking number is the main Earth of the DCU? Is it just "Earth"? And why should it get special dispensation to not be among the numbered? Does Earth 2 think of itself as Earth 2? Perhaps The New 52's main Earth is "Earth X" and it's numbered designation is only referred to by people from other Earths who then label it with the number that we give their Earth? So The Crime Syndicate view this Earth as Earth 3. And the Justice Society view this Earth as Earth 2? But then why would everybody agree to call the Elseworlds Prestige Format Comic Book Earth, Earth 1?! Is it the one they all would like to be a part of? I hate all of the multiple Earths!

John has lost everybody but he's found himself back in The House of Mystery. So now it's time to rescue the others and get the fuck out of the Justice Business! This shit is crazy.

The House of Mystery decides Constantine needs some clues to figure out what to do next so it begins showing him ignored people suffering from loneliness and little black wisps that feed on their despair, building into anger and hurt and evil.

First appearance of Mad Hettie! She's a New Yorker now.

Constantine tours the world watching people grow in evil and he learns the most important lesson of all. We are evil because we don't look at homeless people or call our mothers enough. This story is like a Hallmark Card of betrayal!

Outside of card: "Happy 8th Birthday!"
Inside of card: "Thanks for ruining your mom's vagina, you selfish bastard!"

Outside of card: "It was so nice to see you again!"
Inside of card: "Because I never expected to! It's been what? Ten fucking years? Asshole!"

Outside of card: "Congratulations on the promotion!"
Inside of card: "Now rape the world of its resources; lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead; and dance on the bodies of the poor and the weak to fulfill your own selfish desires! Good job!"

John learns that the Crime Syndicate won because we're all unfeeling bastards that have no sense of proportion! I carelessly stepped on a slug the other night because I wasn't watching every step I was making which means I can justify global thermonuclear war! Fuck me! There's no hope! We're all doomed!

"To fist you!"

After the After School Special in which John learns the ways of evil, Zatanna points out that the message was full of bias. Pandora's Box gave him Hopelessmydia so that he saw doom and gloom everywhere he went. But I think the Hopelessmydia has spread due to Pandora's Portal being opened and that's what John was seeing. Evil is growing due to the portal being breached and one of the symptoms of Hopelessmydia is to think that the Hopelessmydia sprang from your own mind and not because you touched Pandora's dirty little box. But Zatanna yells "Nillicinep!" and cures Constantine after which he wakes up from his virus fueled nightmare.

Constantine finds his projection of Zatanna naked and in bed next to him. He actually begins to think this might be a preferable way to live his life. But isn't he the jerk that tore Shade out of practically the same fantasy in some hotel in bumfuck nowhere, living with a Madness version of Kathy George? Perhaps that's where John got this idea of withdrawal from the world?

Too bad it doesn't work out for him. Although she did cure him of his infection. He should be grateful for that much.

Once John calms down, he realizes Nightmare Nurse cured him and is there to help. Maybe not for unselfish reasons but it's all John has at the moment. She's going to help him find the missing members of Justice League Dark and she brings along another mini-JLD member:

Chia Swamp Thing!

Justice League Dark #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad all the over-the-top chastising of the human race was kind of taken back by making it Hopelessmydia because that was grating on my nerves. But after that bit, I like the rest! I like Constantine teaming up with Nightmare Nurse and Chia Swamp Thing to go find the lost members of the Justice League Dark. I guess I should include The House of Mystery on the new team as well. I hope they save everybody but Madame Xanadu. She can suck it.

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