Green Lantern #25

The most powerful weapon in the universe and Kilowog uses it to make...a flail! Perhaps that's the mightiest weapon ever invented on his home planet which I can't name but I'm sure a bunch of you nerds are saying it and snorting at me right now! "Mashter Comic Book Reader, my ash! *SNORT*"

You know I mock my people lovingly, right? Don't get your oversized glasses, Batgirl panties, and poorly fitting Hot Topic t-shirts in a snit over my stereotyping! I could understand how you might get upset though being that I'm the Michelangelo's David of the nerd culture. I'm the Fonzi of geeks! I'm like, "Heeeeeeey, calm down nerds!" But then when some other street tough starts picking on us for playing Warhammer on the bus, I'm like, "Heeeeey, you want me to pull out the Critical Hit Charts? How'd you like me to destroy your shoulder joint almost totally -- so that the arm hangs limply, a mass of tattered and pulpy flesh and protruding fragments of bone? And then, by chance, one of the bone splinters will sever a major artery, after which, a fraction of a second later, you'll collapse with blood pouring out from the ruins of your shoulder. Death from shock and blood loss will be almost instantaneous." Then the street tough will throw up his hands and say, "Okay, okay! Cool it, man, cool it! We cool? We're cool." And I'll turn around, the hero, as my nerdy friends jump up and pat me on the back and tell me how cool I was. But I'll stop them and go, "Aaaaaay!" as I throw up the collar to my jacket and comb back my greased hair. Then I'll snap my fingers and every lady on the bus will run into my arms and be, "Let's all make out with him at the same time because he's the only guy in Milwaukee worthy of Inspiration Point!"

Don't judge me for my fantasies!

Meanwhile in Robert Venditti and Billy Tan's fantasy world, Hal Jordan is having employee problems.

Yeah, let's see how long that lasts. It's not like Green Lanterns get a stipend. How are you going to survive if you can't make counterfeit currency to buy your meals and use your ring to create or forcefully procure lodgings?

I can't believe so many Green Lanterns are falling for Relic's bullshit theory. But I've harped on that enough during Lights Out. But then they don't pick Green Lanterns based on their incredulity, do they? Just willpower. Which means they'll stubbornly believe even stupid bullshit with no evidence to confirm said bullshit. All I know is that some stuff happened and some other stuff happened and nothing really confirmed anything. They haven't even had enough time figure out if their rings are still acting wonky! They just assumed everything was fixed once Relic screamed that he was correct and that the spectrum had been replenished. Whatever. I'm used to living amongst a mentally ill populace that believes crazy fucking pseudo-historical religious crap, so I think I can deal with a bunch of Green Lanterns that don't understand how the scientific method works.

Hal is the voice of reason? Except even he is kind of buying into Relic's version of things with that whole tank being filled up shit.

Hal's voice of reason gives out almost immediately which makes me feel everything is right with the universe. His new plan as leader of the Green Lantern Corps? Arrest everybody using a non-Green ring! That way there's more Emotional Spectrum Power for the Green Lanterns! He definitely thinks like an American.

Wait. That's not how it's always been? Has my cynicism caused me to read the Corps wrong all these years? I guess Carol only feels they're edging into a police state now that Hal has threatened to take her shit. Way to be a team player, Ferris.

Carol leaves before Hal tries to take her ring leaving Hal, John, and Kilowog to discuss the new direction the Green Lanterns will be taking. John is against going after ring bearers who are just using the rings like the Green Lanterns are. But Hal points out there are more than a few using the Emotional Spectrum that should be behind bars. Kilowog suggests they put on a show to prove the Green Lantern Corps is still a worthy endeavor, even if it is sucking the universe off dry. So Hal makes a decision: they are going to hunt down PB Anj, the renegade Star Sapphire that killed a Green Lantern during the previous crisis.

Back off, lady! Kilowog is hunting a Love Lantern not a Suck My Dick Lantern!

Hmm, maybe I stand corrected! Oh wait. Hal on his knees is opposite of that! I guess she's a Lick My Clit Lantern.

Apparently if you say your Lantern Corps is based on "love," all I wind up thinking about is sex because Kilowog bashes PB Anj in the face and says, "But you did manage to rub me the wrong way," and I think, "Hand Job Lantern?" This might be why only females are allowed to be Star Sapphires. The Zamarons probably got tired of hearing guys light the sky purple screaming, "By the power of fucking, I WILL PUNISH YOU!" And seriously, you know what light construct guys would constantly be using with their new purple power.

I know there are women reading this thinking, "I'd totally be thinking of love as sex too!" Yeah, well you wouldn't make the fucking cut for the Star Sapphires either! I think members of the Love Corps have to pass a naivety test where they're presented sayings like "Chocolate Starfish" and "Bone Collector" and "Bolovaxian" and "Albino Cave Dweller" and "Poglachian" and asked to name which sector of the galaxy the recruit thought the being lived in. If they giggle at any of them, they're right the fuck out of the Corps.

Kilowog takes down PB Anj so that Hal can tell her why she's being arrested. He glosses over her murder of Cossite the Green Lantern to make sure she knows the main reason he's taking her in is her "unauthorized use of the emotional spectrum." Great. So is Hal going to come after me when I weep hysterically after I finish masturbating?

PB Anj has some back-up which Hal believes he can take care of with an oversized bowling ball construct. Kilowog creates some gigantic crab creatures native to his planet. But then PB Anj blooms with dozens of Love Blossoms with which she transfers some of her power to her underlings.

Hee hee. Love Blossoms.

This leaves Hal and Kilowog outnumbered and in trouble for next issue.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't like that Hal has decided to begin a crusade against the other light bearers that aren't using the light in the way he deems it should be used. But I don't find that decision a fault in the story or the characterization of Hal. I expect Hal to make stupid decisions like this! I do like that he has members of the Green Lantern Corps that are against this decision and are beginning to discuss a new way for the Green Lantern Corps to participate in the policing of the Universe. On the plus side, I don't mind Hal and the others going after Ring Bearers that have historically used their rings in obviously shitty ways. That does seem like a good way for the Green Lantern Corps to police the universe. Let local lawmen police their own local star systems but if they have trouble with a Ring Bearer, call in the Green Lantern Corps for back-up. Hal just needs to drop the American-style need to control all of the power and just worry about actual miscreants, murderers, and general, all-around criminal fuck-ups.