Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Aquaman #24

I composed a song while I was masturbating. I'm very good at multitasking! It's sung to the tune of Spiderman. Or Spiderpig. Whichever came first.

Aquaman! Aquaman! Sleeps alone in a frying pan!
Talks to fish! Any size!
Don't you wish you had his thighs?
Look out! Here comes The Ba-atman!

He was lame! Now he's cool! He's an under water fool!
Go to space? What a waste. Stays at home all alone!
Lighthouse! Where you'll find Aquaman!

In the chill of the sea with Atlantis at war
Covered in fishy pee he's a big dolphin whore!

Aquaman! Aquaman! Is something that you'll never hear
From anyone in trouble! Unless in an underwater bubble.
Look out! Don't buy that Aquaman comic!

Thank you! Thank you! You can purchase it on iTunes since there were no sexual situations in it.

So last issue, Aquaman woke up to find he'd been asleep for six months. I think that was because he needed a beard for the next story.

I had the same reaction the first time I saw a Giraffe. Sadly, one year later, there was no Savannaman.

Aquaman's mom is hot. She's a MILF! Mermaid I'd like to fillet.

Vulko is telling Aquaman the story of his life story from conception to becoming king of Atlantis. Actually, those are the only two parts of the story. He leaves out the entire middle. He's the shittiest story teller I've ever seen. I mean, right after Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell, of course. Aquaman's first question is, "Six months?!"

His second question is, "Really? A band-aid? No wonder I was out for six months!"

Eventually Arthur asks where Mera has gotten to. Vulko explains that he last saw her battling the Dead King, so she could be anywhere. But, you know, she's probably dead. And lastly, Arthur asks where he is. My guess is the Gobi Desert!

Bingo! Of course I meant the one in Antarctica.

Antarctica is where old characters go to be frozen beneath gigantic blocks of ice. It's where The First Born and The Dead King lived for centuries. I guess it's time to put Aquaman on ice. Too bad. I can't say I didn't see it coming. I hope he battles a penguin army first.

Vulko brought Aquaman here to see The Dead King's old apartment. I wonder if The First Born and The Dead King shared a space? Probably not. Rental space in the depths of Antarctica probably isn't in high demand. Aquaman takes Vulko with him to explore the Dead King's Studio (The First Born probably had a cozy loft) and the editor (Matt!) reminds me that the Dead King first made his appearance way back in Issue #18. Really? Can this story take any longer?!

Aquaman discovers a giant throne surrounded by seven statues and is told that this is "THE SECRET OF THE SEVEN SEAS!" What's the big deal? That each one was ruled by a different person with a different special weapon? I bet there were a lot of turf wars between the ruler of the North Atlantic with the ruler of the South Atlantic! Probably not with the rulers of the North and South Pacific though. West coasters are way more chill. To find out the secret, Aquaman must sit in the Dead King's Throne. And suck a big ass ice dick, apparently.

Those are the eyes of a man who has been forced into this position before.

Atlantis's history penetrates deep into Aquaman's mind. He learns that his ancestor was a racist dirtbag that believed integration was destroying the purity of the Atlantean race. I mean, he was a racist because he believed that was a bad thing. He was actually correct that integration was changing the genetic stock of the Atlantean people. He didn't realize that that's the best way to improve the species over long periods of time and the worst thing you can do for a people is to keep them isolated for many generations. So Aquaman's ancestor was racist and stupid. Although to be fair, he was probably smarter than the filthy races Atlan the King of Atlantis was bringing in to mix with the Atlanteans.

"If we want to interbreed until our children's blood leaks continually from out of their anuses and their skulls grow too small for their brains, that's our proud decision!"

If only Aquaman's ancestor could see his dirty, half-human progeny, he'd probably put an Atlantean Blunderbuss into his mouth and pull the Seahorse tail.

Aquaman's ancestor Orin drove King Atlan out, took the throne, and killed Atlan's family. Atlan went off to forge the Mystic Artifacts that The Others now use. Once he was finished, he returned to Atlantis, slew Orin and his queen, and sunk the entire city. The rest of the long years of Atlantis's history can be summarized in a single page because it wasn't full of King on King action.

You can see The Trench didn't believe in King Orin's message of purity. They've definitely been fucking piranha.

So Aquaman learns that his ancestors from long ago were racist dicks. Who cares? This entire scenario is perfect! Arthur never wanted to be king of Atlantis anyway! So now he needs to seek an audience with The Dead King, publicly apologize for his ancestors, and give up all rights to the throne. Then he can go back to the Lighthouse to feed his starving dog.

Aquaman #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope Aquaman is banished from the ocean! He might even have to change his entire superhero theme. He'd better start practicing telepathy on Marsupials! He can become Downunderman!

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