Aquaman! Aquaman! Sleeps alone in a frying pan!
Talks to fish! Any size!
Don't you wish you had his thighs?
Look out! Here comes The Ba-atman!
He was lame! Now he's cool! He's an under water fool!
Go to space? What a waste. Stays at home all alone!
Lighthouse! Where you'll find Aquaman!
In the chill of the sea with Atlantis at war
Covered in fishy pee he's a big dolphin whore!
Aquaman! Aquaman! Is something that you'll never hear
From anyone in trouble! Unless in an underwater bubble.
Look out! Don't buy that Aquaman comic!
Thank you! Thank you! You can purchase it on iTunes since there were no sexual situations in it.
So last issue, Aquaman woke up to find he'd been asleep for six months. I think that was because he needed a beard for the next story.
I had the same reaction the first time I saw a Giraffe. Sadly, one year later, there was no Savannaman.
Vulko is telling Aquaman the story of his life story from conception to becoming king of Atlantis. Actually, those are the only two parts of the story. He leaves out the entire middle. He's the shittiest story teller I've ever seen. I mean, right after Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell, of course. Aquaman's first question is, "Six months?!"
His second question is, "Really? A band-aid? No wonder I was out for six months!"
Bingo! Of course I meant the one in Antarctica.
Vulko brought Aquaman here to see The Dead King's old apartment. I wonder if The First Born and The Dead King shared a space? Probably not. Rental space in the depths of Antarctica probably isn't in high demand. Aquaman takes Vulko with him to explore the Dead King's Studio (The First Born probably had a cozy loft) and the editor (Matt!) reminds me that the Dead King first made his appearance way back in Issue #18. Really? Can this story take any longer?!
Aquaman discovers a giant throne surrounded by seven statues and is told that this is "THE SECRET OF THE SEVEN SEAS!" What's the big deal? That each one was ruled by a different person with a different special weapon? I bet there were a lot of turf wars between the ruler of the North Atlantic with the ruler of the South Atlantic! Probably not with the rulers of the North and South Pacific though. West coasters are way more chill. To find out the secret, Aquaman must sit in the Dead King's Throne. And suck a big ass ice dick, apparently.
Those are the eyes of a man who has been forced into this position before.
"If we want to interbreed until our children's blood leaks continually from out of their anuses and their skulls grow too small for their brains, that's our proud decision!"
Aquaman's ancestor Orin drove King Atlan out, took the throne, and killed Atlan's family. Atlan went off to forge the Mystic Artifacts that The Others now use. Once he was finished, he returned to Atlantis, slew Orin and his queen, and sunk the entire city. The rest of the long years of Atlantis's history can be summarized in a single page because it wasn't full of King on King action.
You can see The Trench didn't believe in King Orin's message of purity. They've definitely been fucking piranha.
Aquaman #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope Aquaman is banished from the ocean! He might even have to change his entire superhero theme. He'd better start practicing telepathy on Marsupials! He can become Downunderman!