Arkham War #2

My apartment is literally like Gotham City except instead of Talons, I'm overrun with Oreo crumbs.

Literally just last issue, Gotham was having a bad night. There are literally only two kinds of nights in Gotham: A Bad Night and A Bat Night. And when you're having a discussion about whether it's safe to go out or not, people literally never know what anybody else is saying because the two words are literally indistinguishable from each other to normal ears. But since Batman is literally dead right now, everybody knows what everybody else is currently saying.

So what's going on with Man-Bat? Is he literally crazy now? Flava Flav was right. A woman can literally make a man lose his mind.

Man-bat was literally given the rooftops to govern. Unless I'm just literally assuming that since it's kind of hard to tell. Langstrom doesn't think he's literally crazy. He's just a scientist trying to form a government with a local militia to protect and defend the section of Gotham he was given to rule from a penguin with no authority to parcel out tracts of Gotham. But that's what literally happened anyway! And Bane doesn't fucking like it one bit! BANE SMASH!

Is Bane literally a Latino version of The Hulk?

You can't know how much I literally hate myself right now. But I'm literally going to keep it up until the end of this fucking commentary.

Currently, Brute and a sqaudron of non-venomized Bane soldiers are literally attacking Man-Bat's turf. I literally forgot that I liked Brute from the Talon comic book because he reminded me of that overly patriotic Firestorm enemy back when DC was still, literally, publishing a Slash Fanfic version of Firestorm. No, seriously. I mean, literally. Go read the trades of The Fury of Firestorm, The Nuclear Men, and tell me different.

Too bad Brute literally winds up with a cell phone tower through his chest at the end of the fight. But it has been lodged in the non-heart side of the chest cavity, so he may not be literally dead. Perchance he is only dreaming or some shit.

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce in literally the most disgusting ice cream truck ever.

Gordon and Pierce are heading to Blackgate Prison to breakout Warden Agatha, literally my favorite interim warden character ever. I like her way more than anybody else does which is why I'm declaring how much I like her right here so if she ever becomes super popular, I can claim to be literally the first person to ever adore the fuck out of her.

The Penguin literally meets with Bane to discuss how The Penguin can best survive Bane's invasion. The Penguin promises to literally feed Bane information in exchange for Emperor Blackgate. If I were one of the Arkham inmates trying to rule a piece of Gotham, I think I'd opt for a nearby suburb or small town just outside the Gotham City limits. I'd literally set up shop in a cul de sac named after a type of tree and close down the public pool for myself so I could swim in something other than a literal ocean of pee.

The Penguin lets Bane know that the Arkhamites are currently invading Blackgate prison to take over the Talon Sublevel since it's literally the only working power generator on the East Coast. And also because it's full of immortal monsters that Bane probably shouldn't get his hands on because that would literally suck dick. After his meet with Bane, The Penguin walks over to get a Ham Banana Split Sandwich and tells Gordon that he's got a pretty decent chance of rescuing his people from Blackgate during the ensuing confusion. The Penguin probably makes some kind of deal with Gordon or something as well. Possibly a deal to literally gain immunity from conviction by playing undercover cop for Gordon since Oswald knows this will all, eventually, go literally tits up.

Gordon and Pierce literally save the day. Actually, they literally save the one-eyed interim warden named Agatha Zorbatos but day would literally metaphorically be night without her in it.

Scarecrow's plan is to literally fly the Talons out from under Bane's nose via Air Man-Bat. Bane interrupts the proceedings but he's literally too late to stop most of his Talons from being flown off to Mr. Freeze's laboratory. Bane does manage to secure one Talon for himself as he captures Scarecrow and Kirk Langstrom. Bane also notices Gordon and Agatha and Pierce running from the prison, so he delivers Agatha's assistant Donald to them for literally his own reasons since, you know, nobody is forcing his hand and I have no idea why he does it. One thing I do know, the cover shouldn't be taken literally because not one fucking Talon rises at all!

Arkham War #2 Rating: No change. Fuck everybody who overuses the word "literally" because this is literally what our fucking world now sounds like. Literally shut the fuck up already. I need to literally take a fucking shower now. Interpret that how you see fit!