Teen Titans #24

Let's get this out of the way immediately: Raven's new costume is ass.

Last issue, the Teen Titans were supposed to be sucked into the future so that some assholes in the future could get revenge on Kid Flash even though he's long dead in their eyes. Fuck that. Death in the past is too good for him! What really confuses me is that they don't kidnap him from the moment he arrives in the past. Why let him have any length of freedom at all if they're so set on bringing him back to the future to pay? I suppose they couldn't get a bead on him until Vibe made out with him over in Justice League of America. Man, I fucking hate time travel stories.

That's not true! I love time travel stories! But only when they're done with intelligence and forethought! I hate them when they're just used by a writer as an excuse to write whatever the fuck they want. Boo, Scott Lobdell! You're the worst!

Anyway, The Teen Titans did not get sucked into the future because they still needed to make a cameo in Forever Evil. But don't worry! At the end of their Forever Evil cameo, they were shot into the future by Johnny Quick. Good job, DC editorial. That was elegantly handled.

I mean the opposite of elegantly! Whatever word that is!

This issue begins differently than most Scott Lobdell comic books. But not too differently. He still has to open with a Narration Box about the main character's name.

Why didn't they just use the Spanish? We all know it's "¿Está Cabra de Dios?"

So Lobdell begins with the Narration "Then." That means before now. Obviously, now is fluid being that the Teen Titans have gone to the future which is why he mentions "then" is a relative term. But why does he begin with "even"? Am I missing a page where relative terms were being discussed? Is he trying to confuse me? Is he trying to piss me off immediately?! What the fuck does Scott Lobdell want from me? He's already taken more than he'll ever know! Why doesn't he just stop?

Miguel is wasting time in a church talking to himself when Red Robin suddenly appears from out of the time stream! Red Robin tells Bunker how to meet up with Red Robin in Teen Titans #3. And then Red Robin tells Bunker that Bunker must never tell Red Robin about this encounter or else it will fuck up the time stream which Scott Lobdell doesn't give a fucking shit about anyway so fuck everyone. Because this moment is so crazy and fucked up and makes no sense to Bunker, he takes it as a sign from God. That's the spirit! Why the fuck would God send you a message you can understand? Mysterious ways, bitches!

I hate when dialogue is placed within foreign language brackets and then the foreign language is explicitly used within those brackets. Bad form, sir. Bad form!

So this issue is going to be the Teen Titans bouncing through time "touchstoning" all over Scott Lobdell's shitty plot points he loves to scatter throughout his crappy writing. I wonder if he's going to have them deal with The 13 from Red Hood and the Outlaws! Oh, don't tell me you forgot about that plot point just like Lobdell did?

The next place Red Robin arrives is in Egypt where the (oh fuck me no) SUNTURIANS are back (relative term!) to try to conquer Earth again. But Red Robin knows, for some reason, that Wonder Girl and Superboy are going to be appearing any second now to help him stop the SUNTURIANS from taking over Earth.

He knows this because fuck you.

I'm sure when I turn the page, Timmy will explain how he knows this. Probably because he met himself in the time stream and his other self told him what to do because he was a future version of himself that had already been through this moment and had already talked to himself (relative term!). This encounter with the SUNTURIANS is probably Lobell's way to explain why their ship back in Superman looked like an ancient Roman city. Of course, they still call themselves SUNTURIANS so that doesn't explain shit, Lobdell! Perhaps that's why they came to Earth! Because they picked up some Drama Signals in space from a play that mentioned Roman Centurions and they thought maybe they were a long lost battalion of their space brothers! Oh wait! I bet Scott Lobdell's reasoning is that the Romans took the name "centurion" from their encounters with these guys! They even stole their shields and their pole-arms and their helmets. I don't know why they didn't steal their tanks though. Maybe because Wonder Girl and Superboy destroyed them!

Then there's some bullshit about them floating in the time stream not remembering the things they always remember never. And then Kid Flash and Solstice are spit out in the future. I hope this is interesting! Although I fear it's just another random moment for Scott Lobdell to vomit a stupid idea into the DC Universe in the hopes that a decent writer will come along and make it interesting. Someday.

The ship belongs to somebody called The Functionary because that's an exciting name. Kid Flash recognizes it as a ship he was on before! In the borrowing time! Or the beginning years. Or the what came before times! And since he was here before, he knows he needs to speak to himself before he does the thing he does that causes Kid Flash to become the Bart he'll become yesterday. Or something.

Give it up, Kid Flash! You can't change the future!

After Bart Allen fails to stop Bar Tor from blowing up a ship full of soldiers, Raven winds up in the past battling Etrigan. Poor, poor Etrigan. Who gave Scott Lobdell license to write the rhyming demon?! Get Etrigan the fuck out of this published toilet paper! I will never forgive you, DC, for making me read horribly rhymed words by Lobdell! Also for allowing Wonder Girl to snap Etrigan's neck even though she did sneak up on him from the future and he was busy trying to kill Raven. How dare you make him look weak, DC! I hate you I hate you I hate you!

Anyway, Wonder Girl tells Raven she has to collect their souls to save them from looping continually (or continuously! Whichever you prefer!) through time. So Raven collects her specimens and messages Doctor Oak Trigon to inform him that her task is over! She caught them all!

Teen Titans #24 Rating: -1 Ranking. Apparently we're never going to get to the Trial of Kid Flash no matter how many times it is promised in the Next Month blurb. Also, fuck you, Scott Lobdell, with your stupid ass Sunturians punning up the universe! This comic book is bad enough without you dragging in the horrible crap you've created in that other book you're ruining, Superman! Also, if you want me to start saying nice things about your writing, you have two options. The first is to write better. The second is to bribe me. Drop me an email and I'll get you my Paypal information, okay? Let's do this!