Teen Titans Annual #2

How do you know The Teen Titans is a serious, tense, high-action drama? Seventy-five fucking percent (75*%) of all Teen Titans' covers have various members lying about unconscious.

I have been waiting all month to finally get to read Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans Annual #2! If there is one writer at DC that knows how to write a compelling Annual tale that ties in to the rest of the series but still allows new readers to jump on in the middle, it's Mr. Scott Lobdell! He makes sure to take the reader by the hand, carefully introduce every character and supply one or two key points to their character. He'll make sure to focus on only those key points during the story so as not to confuse new readers. But this doesn't leave longtime readers hanging! No, no! He'll choose important characteristics that will really delve into a new side of the character's psyche so that we always learn something new about any character highlighted in one of his stories. He's clear, concise, and creative. After all, he was a master of writing the X-men! Why shouldn't he bring all of that experience and wisdom to the pages of DC's Teen Titans? I have goosebumps! Let's dig in, shall we?!

When we last left the Teen Titans, they were caught up in the time stream hoping that Raven could figure out a way to stabilize their movements and keep them from jumping about. Mostly because they really need to get to Kid Flash's trial in the future and they're running late. Except you can't actually run late when time traveling no matter how much Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reminds you that the clock in San Dimas is always running. So they'll get there eventually and it will be like they were there yesterday. But for now, I don't know where they are!

Apparently Superboy knows though.

Just as I guessed! Scott Lobdell treats the reader with a nice, introduction to not just one of the characters on the opening page but three! Lobdell can't be blamed for the typo, so we'll just forget that even exists rather than tarnish his sterling reputation. Being good readers, we know that we should watch out for certain things in the coming story. We should see how Superboy learns to accept his two halves. We must watch how Tim Drake steps up to prove that he can lead this group that he banded together. And we will, quite literally, learn why Cassie Sandsmark was born! I love the use of the word "literally" because it makes Cassie's character one-dimensional and easy to understand.

These three heroes have found themselves stranded twenty years in the future (relative term!). Red Robin has led them to the Batcave to access the Batcomputers so that they could find Kid Flash and Solstice. Because if you need to find somebody lost in an alternate timeline, the Batcomputer is the only computer that won't respond, "Get the fuck out!" It takes all shit seriously, bitches. Too bad the Batcave has been trashed by the time the kids arrive. Hopefully Superboy and Wonder Girl won't remember how to find the Batcave again once they get back to the DC Universe's present. That could lead to a really uncomfortable conversation between Tim Drake and Alfred Pennyworth as Bruce broods in the background casting disapproving looks at them both.

My first reaction was this: "If anybody were allowed to write the death of Batman, it should be Scott Lobdell!" And then I realized this was an alternate timeline story and my heart stopped racing and I breathed a sigh of relief and I calmed down. Whew! Good one, Mr. Lobdell!

Tim Drake's first reaction to the dead and stuffed Batman is to whisper, "Bruce?" Good thing he whispered that! You wouldn't want anybody else in the room to learn the identity of The Batman! Let's just hope Wonder Girl's Silent Armor isn't so silent that she can hear whispers! And I don't think Tactile Telekinesis helps gives Superboy super-hearing! So Tim Drake might have just dodged yet another really awkward conversation when he returns to the normal (relative term!) timeline. Superboy notices a pile of ashes on the floor and asks if Red Robin knew this guy as well. Red Robin does know him and once again whispers his name. Tim Drake is supposed to be a super genius and he's so thrown by the reality of an alternate timeline that he doesn't remember the important of secret identities? That's probably why the issue began pointing out he might not have been as ready as he thought to put together a group of super kids. But he is whispering and he's so smart, he must know that the other two don't have the appropriate super powers to hear whispers. I think Tim has a photographic memory so he probably remembers their Who's Who files better than I do.

The kids receive a message from Hologram Batman pointing out that one person is responsible for all of this destruction and then they're teleported aboard the Justice League Watchtower (II, presumably) where they meet Garfield Logan, Beast Man! Who is now green due to a Series of Unfortunate Events (relative term!). Since Gar Logan is the last member of the Justice League left standing, he introduces Tim, Kon, and Cassie to the New Teen Titans! Hey, if Keith Giffen can get a Justice League 3000 book, why can't Scott Lobdell set himself up with a Teen Titans 2033 book? And since Lobdell had so much success writing the X-men for so long, why not make the Teen Titans 2033 completely derivative of the X-men? He's got a woman named Red that looks nearly identical to Nightcrawler (except she's a she and she's red instead of blue. Superficial changes!). You've got Blur who speaks Cajun like Gambit (perhaps he's just French Canadian, but again, superficial difference!). Then you've got Stonehenge and Irony who seem to be a bit of a cute couple who call each other by their first names, making them Scott Summers and Jean Grey.

Some people might look at this doublepage spread and cynically berate Lobdell for this outright stealing of another company's characters. But I say, good for him! DC and Marvel have spent years stealing each others employees, employees that have given them the intellectual properties that have made the companies so profitable. And for years, the creators have taken their creations from one company to the next with just the thinnest of differences to avoid law suits. Scott Lobdell works best when he's writing Marvel-type X-men stories. Why shouldn't he create an X-men team for DC?!

I don't think Teen Titans 2033 is going to become a regular title. But Lobdell is introducing the team here so that he can bring them back into the DC Universe's present (relative term!) in a later run of Teen Titans. He might even be hoping to eventually replace the current cast of the comic with this cast because then everybody will have to get off his fucking back for writing Tim Drake in a way that they don't agree with. These will be all new characters free from any history that Scott Lobdell doesn't (and shouldn't have to!) give a fuck about!

Also, Rose Wilson is the mother of Red, the Nightcrawler girl. And since she's red, my guess is Beast Boy is the father.

I'm not sure Blur grasps the idea of "training exercises." Also, Gambit/Blur has Rogue's power.

Stonehenge has powers similar to Terra's so he's probably her child (which really doesn't give her much time to get knocked up back in the present (relative term!)). Blur is a bit perturbed to see Superboy's face for some reason. There's no way he should recognize him since he wasn't even born yet the last time Superboy was seen in this timeline. So he must be mistaking him for Jon-el! Which makes me realize that Jon-el is probably the guy that trashed the Batcave and killed Batman. Boy, the story has been so captivating up until this point that I almost missed that twist (even though it was right there on the cover)!

Scott Lobdell has Blur reference Gail Simone's The Movement because Scott Lobdell has a huge crush on Gail Simone. The time I met Scott Lobdell (Wow. I was completely starstruck by his fame and ability! I barely said a word to him!), he signed my Big Book of New 52 First Issues right above Gail Simone's signature, added an ampersand and then a "4 ever" underneath. So I went back to show it to Gail Simone's husband in the hopes of starting a fist fight (mostly so I could root for my hero, Scott Lobdell, to beat up Gail Simone's husband so that Gail would see that Lobdell was really the man for her and they would get together and it would all be because of me and they'd adopt me as their own child and love me forever). But Gail Simone's husband just laughed and pointed out how Lobdell basically stalked Gail for years before they became good friends. So I think Scott mentions The Movement here to try and get more readers interested in that book. Good work, Scott Lobdell! You are a true hero of the people.

Superboy decides to get some fresh air in space (good joke, Kon!) while Red Robin and Gar discuss what's going on. While he's sitting on the side of the Watchtower II, Jon-el sends him a psychic call-out. Time to settle this on the playground, bitches!

Garfield explains to Tim how this is Harvest's timeline. But he has to be careful what he says since he's talking to Tim Drake who will eventually become Harvest once he's turned into a vampire! He doesn't want to screw up the timeline by giving out the wrong information that might possibly cause a better timeline to come into existence which would cause himself to never exist. Although that seems to be just what he's doing anyway!

But what does Gar know? He's just following orders!

Good thing Red Robin has set up all of these situations where Red Robin can help save the day so that Red Robin doesn't just look like an ignoramus stumbling from one situation he doesn't understand to the other! Just because we're seeing the Red Robin that's experiencing these things the first time doesn't mean Red Robin doesn't know what he's doing! He's remembering all of this stuff so that he can manipulate all space and time to make things work out the way he wants. This timestream deal also explains Harvest's ability to plan things so precisely! Because Harvest is future Red Robin and Red Robin has a photographic memory and Red Robin has now gone through every single point in space and time and knows how everything everywhere will turn out! No wonder Harvest is such a genius!

So are any of you coming around to my side yet about Red Robin being Harvest, no matter what other comic book stories have told you?

Meanwhile Jon-el meets Kon-el and they battle inside the moon's chocolate center. Mostly they grandstand though. It's as if each one is actually a little bit afraid that they can't actually win, so instead they puff up their chests and strut around like a Bluth.

And since I'm not interested in describing blow-by-blow action, here's how it ends (with an Aquaman death bonus pic!):

Technically it hasn't ended yet. I'm guessing Superboy won't actually get to throw this final punch.

And he doesn't! He disappears because he's needed over in Action Comics Annual #2. So Jon-el gets to survive. Although even if he'd been killed, it wouldn't matter. This is an alternate timeline! What happens in Alternate Timelines, stays in Alternate Timelines! Except when the "happens" is Jon-el whom Gar and Rose take and dress up like Superboy so that Tim Drake will take him back to their own timeline. Whoops!

Teen Titans Annual #2 Rating: See, Scott Lobdell? That's what you'll get if you bribe me to pretend your writing doesn't suck! Compelling, isn't it?! Notice how I made no mention of how shitty your writing is? And how you need the crutch of time travel and alternate timelines to help seed your plots? How you can't actually build characterization, how you can't let plots form organically, how you can't write anything unless you bring in a catalyst from outside the normal timeline? I can praise all of those garbage writing habits with just a small, flat monthly fee. Please, let us not speak of dignity. We all know money talks, right? Let's form a partnership. You don't realize how trusted I am to speak the truth in the comic book review world! If I talk up the greatness of your books, more of them will sell which means more royalties for you! You can afford to spread the wealth a bit, right? Just drop me an email and we'll get the ball rolling on this deal. Talk to you soon, buddy!