Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2

At first I thought Wonder Woman and Supes were teaming up with Apollo and Hades and Artemis but, after a fifth glance, I think the couple is merely surrounded.

I guess Doomsday won't be that big a deal since the cover shows the Power Couple have moved on to another crisis. Unless all the Gods are rushing in to help them fight Doomsday! Ha, what a silly thought. More likely, they see their chance to beat Wonder Woman down while she's against the ropes.

At the end of last issue, Wonder Woman was face to face with the scariest monster she's ever seen (and she's seen just about every one listed in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual, 1st Edition). Its name is Doomsday, for some reason. If I ever have a child (totally hypothetical situation! Kids are time vampires and money-grubbing parasites filled with disease and whining. Ugh. Who wants any of those hanging around the house? Somebody should market a product that keeps them away), I would name it Doomsday. Or maybe I'd name it Judas and give it the middle name Doomsday. Judas Doomsday Tea. What a beautiful girl she'd be.

This issue begins with Doomsday breaking both of Diana's arms. Enh. What is it all the nerds have said multiple times in their lives? "It's only a flesh wound."

Oh yeah she has other weapons! Use your feminine wiles! I mean, your intelligence!

Instead of using any weapons she keeps hidden on her body, Wonder Woman allows herself to be saved by Superman. Somehow. It's another one of those storytelling moments that Tony S. Daniel just doesn't lay out very well. I think, maybe, Superman blasts Doomsday with heat vision so powerful that it boils away a huge swath of the ocean. Perhaps the purplish glow that suddenly surrounds Doomsday is a result of Wonder Woman's feminine wiles. Anyway, after the ocean looks like it has a gigantic gash cut into it and Doomsday glows purple, Superman swoops in and lifts up the boat and flies it to land. With Doomsday on it? Really, Tony S. Daniel, you do know what comic books are supposed to be, right? Their best feature is the way they express time. And yet you love to draw gigantic panels of well-muscled super heroes which don't help the reader understand shit.

Back on land, hopefully somebody will say something that explains what the fuck just happened.

Really? That's what happened? Tony S. Daniel, you need to take some remedial comic book classes with Scott McCloud.

Superman takes Wonder Woman back to the Fortress of Solitude where he shows her a Phantom Zone lineup. Wonder Woman points out Doomsday as the creature that attacked her and Superman shits himself. So he knows the history of Doomsday and General Zod and their attack on Krypton. But now I'm confused about The New 52 Death of Superman. What killed him? If Wonder Woman doesn't know about Doomsday and Doomsday has been in The Phantom Zone and Superman is afraid of Doomsday escaping one day, what the fuck killed Superman in The New 52? Has that been revealed and I just forgot about it? Was it Jimmy Olsen and is Superman Unchained taking place in the past?!

Diana realizes how frightened Clark is of Doomsday, so she takes him shopping for some armor built by a god. Not Jesus! Hephaestus. He agrees but only because Superman could probably knock his teeth down his throat. While they're negotiating a deal, Strife and Apollo drop by to judge their sister's new boyfriend.

Apollo's teeth, have you had the honor yet of meeting Apollo's throat?

To my surprise, Superman actually keeps his fists in his pants. Um, so to speak. I was completely ready to go off on how can a being as powerful as Superman go about his daily life having a temper that causes him to lash out and punch people in the face whenever he gets the chance at smacking someone who can handle his strength. And then he goes off and just talks rationally to Apollo. Dammit, Charles Soule! How dare you write Superman the way he's meant to be written!

I may have given Superman a bit too much credit on the "talks rationally" call since I hadn't read this response yet. But at least he's threatening and not just outright face punching.

Superman still thinks of Wonder Woman as somebody whose honor he needs to protect. I suppose he's still got quite a bit of the machismo left which he needed to survive high school in a small town farming community where men worked hard in the fields sweating with their shirts off while women hid behind hay bales masturbating furiously to the men's glistening, exposed skin. That's what Midwest life is like, right? At least that's how Willa Cather portrayed it.

Apollo, being an arrogant god (as opposed to arrogant mortal which, after I think about it for a second, is pretty much the same fucking thing anyway), believes the fight is over after he lays out Superman with one punch. But Superman doesn't stay down. Getting knocked down by a punch doesn't mean shit. It's the getting back up again that counts. So Superman returns the favor and Apollo gets a bit pissed off that some upstart alien decided to lay his hands on the sun. So he, you know, brings out the big guns!

Is this ironic like the way ironic is supposed to be used or is this ironic like 10,000 spoons on your wedding day ironic?

Superman's next move is to grab Apollo by the shirt collar and throw him straight up through the top of Mt. Etna and out past the galactic rim somewhere. I don't know much about the Greek God's power sets but I hope Apollo can get back home once he passes out of range of the sun. Which is him. Or something. Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

I'm not sure Strife wears panties but even if she does, I'm sure they're made out of stern, unruinable stuff.

Meanwhile in the Sahara Desert, Zod has also managed to escape from The Phantom Zone. Lame. I was hoping the next escapee would be Nam-Ek.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #2 Rating: +3 Ranking. Goddammit. Who wants an attorney to be able to handle DC's comic book characters so well? Not my jealous ass, that's for sure! But damn am I happy to have Charles Soule aboard the DC Writer's wagon. I've loved that Azzarello's Wonder Woman has been mostly separate from the rest of the DC Universe. But Charles Soule has made the meeting of the two universes fun and worth the wait. He's approaching the relationship from a great angle by forcing the two lovers to deal with each other's family. Come on, you know the criminals trapped in The Phantom Zone are really all the "family" Superman has left. And it's not like they're any worse than Wonder Woman's siblings!