Aquaman Annual #1

Aquaman almost looks like he's enjoying this.

For some reason, I really thought this was the second Aquaman Annual this year. The John Ostrander Others' Interlude issue felt like an annual, I guess. Maybe it also came out the same week as a bunch of annuals. Whatever the case, now all of my "two Annuals in one year" jokes aren't going to work! And I've been writing them in my head all night! And by all night, I mean the amount of time it took to scan the cover of this issue before I noticed the huge #1 on the side.

This issue begins in the East China Sea which I don't believe is a truly sanctioned sea, so Aquaman is out of his league. Get it? League! As in an ocean term that means something oceany! I think a league is the distance a pirate ship can travel while the Captain rapes the cabin boy. Unless that's a furlong! As in, "The Captain can't last furlong now, what with his scurvy causing a bad case of limp dick. Oh and 'Arr' and whatnot."

Oh yeah! The thing about the East China Sea is that it's full of mutated fish monsters calling for help. Aquaman has decided he'll help them because nobody else is calling for his help. I mean, there was that one guy having some trouble with pop-eye in his tropical aquarium but screw him. It's like the third time in six months. He should really give up the fish hobby.

The creatures first goal (by which I mean the first goal of the person controlling the creatures. Duh!) is to attack The Operative and his grandson and his grandson's lady friend Sky (the newest The Other!). But Aquaman is there to save the day the way he never does!

I wonder when I last had fish sticks? Are fish sticks a thing you just stop eating when you reach a certain age? I remember loving it when Fish Sticks were on the weekly menu for lunch in elementary school. The thought of them definitely isn't appealing anymore. What changed?! Where did my innocence go?! I wonder if there is a reverse correlation between how much a person desires fish sticks and the amount of time one spends masturbating? I should do a study! Where's my grant money?!

It turns out the mutant fish creatures are just a distraction while the mutant winged monkeys steal Vostok's mask from out of The Operative's Living Room. I love that comic books allow me to type sentences like that. Once The Operative and Aquaman realize the true mission was to steal one of the Atlantean relics, they decide to gather the other The Others. That means Ya'wara is going to appear soon in her jungle bikini!

This is me showing lots of self-control as I refrain from doing something that I can't even mention or else I wouldn't be refraining from doing it!

The Others meet up in the Living Room so that Sky can explain their powers to the new people that haven't been reading Aquaman but decided to give the Annual a try for some reason.

Why is Aquaman being so mysterious? He's been hanging out with The Batman too much. Batman always has to have the advantage, so he never opens up about anything! I'll tell you one thing Aquaman's trident does: it blinds people! Although that might be inherent in its design and not part of its magic power.

The Others figure out that somebody named Madame Xan in Hong Kong has taken the helmet. For some reason, I'm strongly disliking this new villain! "Madame Xan?" She sounds like a cunt. She also sounds like a witch but that might be because she has flying monkeys and because everything is pointing out that she's involved in heavy magic. Hopefully she doesn't have the same weakness that the other witch with the flying monkeys had! Because that's the prefect job for somebody named Aquaman!

The Others arrive but Madame Xan is waiting for them. She sets a trap which separates them so that she can offer all of them their heart's desire if only they'll join her. I bet they all refuse because they're heroes! I think. They did originally join up to kill Black Manta, right? That's not really heroic. Maybe they'll all take Madame Xan's offers! That would be a good twist!

Oh yeah. That's why she looked so familiar on the cover!

Morgaine le Fay had a plan. She decided to become immortal so that she, well, you know, would never die and shit. But she realized the flaw in her plan! The Earth can still die! So she either needs to save it (for some reason. I think she actually just wants to kill off all the humans because they're assholes and they're annoying her) or she needs to leave the planet. And since Vostok's mask rejected her, she can't leave. So now she wants The Others to help her "save" the planet. We all know the planet doesn't really need saving. So I think she just wants to kill the humans.

Aquaman and The Others decide not to deal with her so she begins destroying Hong Kong. Why the urgency? I think she's just had a really bad day. Although it turns out Ya'wara bought into the scheme, so she begins betraying The Others. Of course. I would have guessed Aquaman would have betrayed them because he's not good at having friends. Ya'wara doesn't accomplish much without her kitty cats. While she's failing to defeat The Others, Aquaman uses the magic of his trident to defeat Morgaine le Fay. I think his trident absorbs magic or something. Maybe he just stabbed her with it. I hope he explains how he defeated her on the last page and everybody laughs uproariously.

Ya'wara quits the group but keeps her orb and everybody kind of lives happily ever after. Although the one Apache spirit in Sky's ghostland proves himself to be as inflexible as Aquaman's ancestor Orin. He tells Sky that if she walks with a white man, she'll lose her powers. What a dick! I think he just doesn't care for The Operative's grandson.

Aquaman Annual #1 Rating: Can The Others get their own title already? Not because I'm excited to read a monthly book about them. I just wish they'd let Aquaman star in his own fucking comic book. Stop hogging the spotlight, The Others!