Action Comics #25

Yay for Zero Year which means no Return of Krypton in this comic book! And no more Scott Lobdell turning in potential scripts to his editors that begin, "Imagine if time had been different...."

DC has expected me to believe a lot of stupid shit since The New 52 began. Now, I realize these are comic books and not plans to build a rocket to Titan, but I still expect a good portion of internal consistent logic. Now with their Zero Year deal, they expect me to believe that all of the heroes just suddenly came out of the woodwork six years ago? I guess if they're willing to clean up the timeline and make it more explicit, I should be happy. I never did quite understand when Superman began making appearances in Metropolis in his t-shirt and jeans. Now I'll know for sure! I think my downtime this weekend should be spent checking out Canonology's gigantic New 52 Timeline on the iPad. I just hope the iPad isn't such an old version that Canonology's graphic crashes it and reduces it to dust and rubble.

This issue begins in Smallville with Lana Lang taking off for adventure in the great big world while Clark's penis makes a sad face.

Aaron Kuder's art continues to be a mite bit goofy. I have a feeling that he's trying to draw a bit too conventionally and I'd really enjoy his art if he let loose with his own style. Kind of how Keith Giffen broke out of the gates with his style back in DC Comics Presents #88 and never looked back.

Lana explains to Clark how she has important things to do with her life and that's not just the misguided dreamy ramblings of a young teenage woman on the cusp of her first orgasm. Speaking of orgasms involving Superman, how the hell does he have one? It's not like he'd feel anything during penetration? I imagine the first few times he ever had sex, he'd orgasm from the sheer excitement of it all. "Am I in? Am I in? Look at her face. Is that the face of a woman with a cock in her? OH MY GOD SHE MADE A PLEASURABLE NOISE!" BAM! Orgasm and shotgun semen wound to Lana's lower pelvis. But after the initial excitement of being with a woman faded, nothing would get that penis off. He could get it caught in a carbine helping Pa in the field and not notice. I guess every sexual encounter he has could end in masturbation but what woman isn't going to feel like a sexual failure when that happens every single time. Perhaps he has a special sex room set up with soft lights which are actually lights developed by STAR Labs to reproduce the light from a red sun? That would work! And it would also make for a good story where Lex Luthor makes this same logical leap while daydreaming about Superman's sex life one day. So he checks all the power grids like DEA Agents searching for pot farms until he finds an anomaly that could only be explained by somebody switching on a Red Sun Bulb!

Why am I telling you my best comic book ideas?! Scott Lobdell might steal them and then I'd wind up writing a scathing commentary on my own ideas!

So Lana points out that Clark also has amazing things he's going to accomplish because how can he not? She knows he's a superboy and expects him to make a name for himself. Besides, her insurance isn't willing to cover the strange scatter-shot wounds she keeps getting in her vagina, uterus, rectum, cheeks, tongue, throat, breasts, and lower back. So he heads out to Metropolis and winds up, four years later and six years from now, well established as Superman.

This scene genuinely confuses me. I really, really like the whimsical, off-the-cuff, casual explanation of these guys, the Supremecists. I love the fat, bald, tattooed rednecks with lasers and the minorities bound up in chains old-school style. What confuses me is this: would I be frothing at the mouth with hate if Scott Lobdell had written this? Have I allowed my bias to get that out of control? Or is this actually as entertaining as I believe it is?

I knew Scott Lobdell would one day send me to the loony bin. But I never thought he would fill me with paroxysms of self-doubt! Maybe it's just my low blood sugar. Come on, normal people! Start opening up places to get food already! Stupid people that live in accordance to the rising and falling of the great, burning celestial orb. I'm hungry! Jerks.

On the next page, Superman Narration Boxes that he's glad they're wearing protective armor.

Umm. That's not protective armor, Clark. That's blubber. Fat. Big belly bones. Moobs.

Next, Superman resorts to the "That all you got?" line which he, at least, acknowledges it as "not the best quip ever." Clark, old boy, it's not even a quip. It's just something you say in two completely opposite situations: when you're kicking ass or when you're getting your ass kicked. I actually wouldn't recommend ever saying it because, believe me, what they've shown up until the point you say that is never "all they got."

See? It looks like Greg Pak is on the same page as me about that stupid fucking line.

Just for transparency's sake, that panel above was on the page after Superman makes the quip, so I didn't know that's how he finished it when I wrote the previous paragraph. Also for transparency's sake, between scanning the man-boob panel and the lasered in the gut panel, I had a bowel movement and I downloaded a mapping program for text adventures! Multitasking for the...well, it wasn't multitasking at all, really. I'd have to chalk it up to "easily distracted" and "urgency," not necessarily in that order.

And now I just had breakfast and read about the Apple's Lisa computer at The Digital Antiquarian which is a terrific site about computer gaming history that I'm slowly making my way through. I found the site when Googling myself (Grunion Guy, that is) and found that he linked to my Adventureland review over at the Interactive Fiction Database website. I highly recommend The Digital Antiquarian if you're interested in the history of PC gaming, software companies, Microsoft and Apple, and all the personalities involved. Fun stuff.

Now back to Superman getting his ass blasted by The Supremacist's MegaMech! It doesn't last long. He rallies and wins the day!

And is a completely sore winner about it all.

Clark is probably still a bit full of Smallville high school survival machismo and doesn't realize he shouldn't be acting like such a bastard when he saves the day. He probably doesn't learn that lesson until Lois Lane prints "Superman" and "douchebag" in the same article.

Later Clark hears about the hurricane headed toward Gotham and how much trouble the city is having due to masked vigilantes and some guy named The Riddler and corrupt cops and some asshole with a bow and arrow and a super loser trying to bomb the reservoir. So he thinks, "Why not add myself to the mix?! I'm super awesome! Ha ha ha ha!" Fucking douchebag. Actually, he decides he's going to stop the hurricane. What an arrogant prick. He can't even fly yet! What's he going to do? Try to burn it up with his laser eyes?

He's got laser eyes! He knows what you're thinking! Comes as no surprise! Christmas lights are blinking! He's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! And he's Tofurious! He's got laser eyes!

Meanwhile off the coast of Gotham, Lana Lang is on a tanker trying to fix the electrical systems as most of the crew is evacuated. She's apparently an electrical engineer which is totally unbelievable! What kind of electrical engineer roams the world having adventures?! That's not cliche enough for me to believe! I wonder if she has a problem stemming from an abundance of Gamma Radiation and that's what keeps her on the move? Little does she know that, one day, she's going to become a Mind Zombie living inside Clark Kent's head!

Luckily Superman fails at stopping the hurricane so that he can become reacquainted with Lana.

Somebody is stealing Aquaman's thunder!

Superman helps keep the ships from colliding as Lana Lang also struggles to restart the engines to do the same. Stuff happens and somebody saves the day and everybody survives! Yay! And Superman learns that he doesn't have to be stronger than a hurricane to save the world. He just has to be strong enough to help the Earthlings as they struggle to save the world and themselves every day.

Then there's a back up story that only cost one extra dollar! It's called "Lunch Break." It's about Clark Kent having lunch. It ends with Lana Lang being attacked by a monster deep underground in Valle de los Olvidados, Venezuela. It continues next month!

Action Comics #25 Rating: +5 Rankings! Yes, I did enjoy this issue very much. And, yes, I also enjoyed the absence of Scott Lobdell. Both feelings are worth a substantial number of ranks raised! My favorite line from this issue from Lana Lang: "Hate to say I told you so...but OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" I have still yet to see why my friend J.T. hates Greg Pak. I've really enjoyed his version of Superman in this and Batman Loves Superman. Good times!