Swamp Thing #25

Why does the Swamp Thing have an erection?

Last issue, the Swamp Thing learned how to say no. So now he's ready to date! I mean, battle! Look out, The Seeder! Swamp Thing has a very large purple eggplant to insert into your very small pinkish brown anal sphincter muscle!

I included the colors in that last sentence so that synesthetes could smell the description.

After the title that is a joke and also a reference to one of the greatest movie franchises of all time, Swamp Thing is ready to enter the Salad Bowl (also known as Thunderdome in that previous movie franchise I mentioned). My favorite moment in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is when all the little barbarian kids want to hear a story so they begin chanting, "One of us! One of us! Goo goo ga joob! We accept Visa and Mastercard!" So good.

This fight is less about completely obliterating your opponent and more about showing that you're a greater abuser of your power. So it's pretty much exactly like Chess.

The Seeder's first move is to fling his seed all over the place. So it's like me clearing my head every morning.

I bet Swamp Thing's first move is to whine about the loss of his humanity! Just kidding! That's the old Swamp Thing! This Swamp Thing is ready to embrace the vegetable he's become. Although not at the expense of who he is! Which is Alec Holland, human! I don't know how he's compartmentalizing it all in his fucked up head. Maybe he just discarded the notion that he'll ever get to have his dick sucked but still treasures the memory of having it sucked in the past. It's kind of a Zen thing.

Here's Swamp Thing after his opening move. This is some of that overconfidence I was talking about last commentary.

Big deal, Swamp Thing. There are now eleven of you and you barely know how to control the one body. Meanwhile, The Seeder has just flung dozens of seeds into the arena which are about to sprout right up the asses of all the stupid puppets you've created. Get your mind in the game, asshole!

You're such an idiot, Alec Holland! Stop playing at Batman and be The Swamp Thing already!

Here's how you defeat him, jerko. Turn into a spray of every single pollen in the world. Blow right up his nose. He's bound to be allergic to something. Find out which spore he's allergic to and just explode into a cloud of that, clogging up his nose and throat and eyes and whatever other orifices pollen gets into. Get his own body to shut itself down! Or turn into a gigantic tree and spill your sap all over him until he can't move! Hmm. Why do all of my attack suggestions sound like pornographic money shots?

Porn Titles for Swamp Thing Porn Parody: Swamp Thingy; Swamp Thing's Giant-Sized Man Thing; Swallow Thing; Anal Fistfest Fifteen starring Swamp Thing.

To continue the hot vegetable action, The Seeder shoots his seed into Swamp Thing's face where it sprouts into a beautiful, purple starfish. The Seeder then takes Swamp Thing from behind by ramming his large staff straight through him. It turns out the staff is a past Avatar which means this is technically a three-way. Also, doesn't that mean The Seeder has brought in a weapon from outside? His seeds also count as weapons, don't they? Or does the rule against bringing in weapons from the outside only count once the fight gets started and ignores whatever a contestant brought in with them? Which means Swamp Thing should have carried the entire world inside his heart as he entered! Aww!

The Seeder opens up a gaping portal which The Retired Avatar Staff hauls Swamp Thing into as Alec screams "No!" I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with this entire parable. I see through your Avatar battle to the perverse sexual fiction you're really into, Charles Soule.

Swamp Thing defeated? Or anally raped? Which story did you just read?

It's a good thing plants don't have anuses so the Swamp Thing barely even notices what's been done to him. He does feel some shame that he was defeated so easily. But he should be proud that he fought his own fight while The Seeder simply stole Alan Scott's playbook for defeating an Earthly Avatar.

Swamp Thing's problem is that he needs to move his consciousness across the Green and back to Earth. But The Seeder has poisoned the ground in the Arena, so if Swamp Thing returns, he'll be leaving the Arena (although the Moon probably isn't inside the bounds of the Arena anyway. I guess it's not like Sumo Wrestling. You can leave the Arena in this contest if forced out; you just have to find a way back in). But The Seeder wasn't the only one to be able to conceive on the opponent's face! Swamp Thing explodes a new body out of The Seeder's head and forces him into a submissive position.

The Green tells Swamp Thing to kill The Seeder because that's how these contests work. The challenger must die! But Alec Holland isn't known for listening to authority. He's also not very good at killing humans. So I think he's going to puss out. Although "puss out" here probably actually shows a strength of character somehow. I don't know how! How can showing mercy and empathy be strong?! Killing and maiming is true strength!

Alec refuses to kill The Seeder after The Green takes The Seeder's power and returns him to being simply a man. But The Green doesn't like lackeys that don't fall in line. The Swamp Thing is found lacking and offered a generous redundancy package.

This is what happens when you listen to the advice of stupid blue Swamp Things that want to take your job! Idiot!

Swamp Thing's body rots away and Jason Woodrue sits up as The Floronic Man, The Green's new Avatar. Whoops!

Swamp Thing #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I thought a lot about how to describe this comic book and finally came up with the perfect phrase that, I hope, DC is willing to use to promote the Trade Paperback: "This comic book is very, very, very good and I enjoy it a lot. It makes my dick hard and/or my pussy wet."