Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Katana #9

How was the Soultaker reforged if Mona Shard had a piece of it? Is it smaller now? Not as magical? Less storage space for souls?

Last issue, Katana finally defeated Coil. Again. But that wasn't enough for her to infiltrate the Sword Clan. I mean join the Sword Clan. I mean take over as leader of the Sword Clan.

You know what? This book has been cancelled. I'm done trying to warp it into coherency.

What? I am so sick of your bullshit wisdom, Katana! It takes effort to design a very heavy ship so that it is capable of floating. But once designed, no fucking effort. Floating is not a fucking effort! Floating just happens! It's physics! It takes effort to sink something that floats, you stupid wombat! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

Katana should put out a book of her Wisdom. "Everything I Need to Know I Never Learned and Just Resort to Bullshit." Hmm, maybe I should put out that book!

Remember when she said crocodiles prefer rotten meat? LIES! Why is she so stupid? Maybe Katana should not have been homeschooled by superstitious ignoramuses that learned all of their facts from overheard conversations in bars. Oh! Maybe that was her daycare situation as a child. She was just left on the floor of a tavern, soaking in the knowledge and fumes of drunken failures.

Katana strides into Dagger Clan territory confident that she will be able to defeat them because, as she says seven different times in the first two pages, they are drunkards that love to party. SEVEN FUCKING TIMES! I get it, Katana. I FUCKING GET IT! They love drunkenness and revelry and murder. But now they have a new leader named Mona Shard! She's a devilish little imp that's possessed the body of a grade school Al Capone. Seriously. I think the little kid that Mona possessed was possibly just as dangerous as Mona.

Oh? Do you think they might be drunk?

Katana strides in overconfident and winds up stabbed in the back by Mona Shard's Kris which is made from a piece of Katana's Soultaker. Katana's plan while fighting the Dagger Clan is to keep her distance so their short swords can't reach her. But then she realizes that plan is a mistake because Stiletto (one of the Dagger Clan) has a long reach! So what would have been a better plan? To keep your distancer? To keep distantest? Well, she'll never make that mistake again! Until the next time she faces the Dagger Clan, of course. She retreats this time and Mona Shard gives her the best advice anybody could ever give anyone.

I also agree with Mona Shard that Katana is stupid.

Later, Katana fucks Sickle and has a nightmare about whether she should date the corporeal bad boy or the incorporeal nice guy. You can tell it's a dream because she makes more out of the bad boy/nice guy dichotomy than the substantial/insubstantial aspect which, you know, actually makes more sense. "Should I fuck the corporeal guy or spend all my time masturbating while the incorporeal guy watches?" Hmm, when I state it like that, I'd take the incorporeal guy.

After sex, Katana heads out to investigate some addresses that Sickle left for her along with a Falconer's hood. She follows Coil to an illegal gambling operation where he collects a payoff.

Shouldn't this have been how the first issue began? All she's been doing is going after the Sword Clan! Now she decides to find out if they're corrupt?

No, no. I won't let Ann Nocenti pull me in. I will not try to make sense of this comic book. No more, Ann Nocenti! No more!

Katana decides to confront Coil and, once again, just like every fucking issue since #1 (pretty much), she finds herself fighting Coil. I HATE YOU, KATANA! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL HIM AT THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO WHEN YOU HAD HIM PINNED TO THAT TREE, YOU UNCUT COCK!

Meanwhile, Shuntouchable has purchased a gun with which to murder Coil. But when she misses and blows the head off one of his men, she gets a better idea. She'll go after all the men that marked her body and scar them, saving Coil for last. And then she'll scar him the scariest! I guess Coil's subordinates went after Katana and now Coil is just hanging out or trying to get away or something when Shuntouchable tries blowing his head off. Whatever. I don't fucking care. Tired of wasting brain power on Nocenti's incomprehensible story telling.

The Mad Samurai has found a sumo wrestler to ride because his plan is to get fat and get the Soultaker back from Katana. That's a good plan if you don't think about it much which I'm not doing at all! Then he captures a mouse under a bowl and it's all very meaningful if you've read an interview with Ann Nocenti where she explains why she put that piece into the story.

And then here's the final page because UGH.

Also, the art was horrible because I don't think anybody gives a shit about spending time drawing this fucking script.

Katana #9 Rating: -Eleventy Billion. I hate this fucking comic book so much. But I don't hate you, Katana! I forgive you! It's not your fault that you're being written by this hack, Ann Nocenti! Don't worry. You'll get another chance to shine when a good writer comes along and revives the original Outsiders for The New 52.

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