The joke is on Sargon. Constantine doesn't have a heart. He just keeps his lunch in his chest cavity. Today, he was having pomegranate.
Last issue, Constantine hate-fucked Sargon the Sorceress while Tannarak was busy stealing all of the magic to split with Mister E and Sargon. Normally I would have said Sargon fucked Constantine since she was the instigator of the sexual liaison but then I couldn't have uses the phrase "hate-fucked." Sargon thoroughly enjoyed the hate-fucking, by the way. It's her version of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Sorry to any readers that are offended by my acknowledgement that corporate products exist and my use of their advertising as a cultural point of reference. I know it must be truly hard to have to hear that, especially after putting so much effort into calling everything by their non-branded names like "adhesive bandage" and "tissue" and "large square garbage receptacle" and "somehow less-than-satisfying peanut butter cup that I'll pretend is just as delicious as the famous one."
This issue begins with Constantine playing chess with older Constantine, probably in some post-sexual mindscape. But that's just a guess from an Apprentice Comic Book Reader who's really just beginning to find his footing in this strange four-colored medium. Unless it has more now. And maybe it's not a medium.
You know how many kids I had to kill during Chess Club because they wouldn't let me take back a move I just noticed I didn't want to make but my fingers had come off the piece? Who wants to play chess to win by careless mistakes? I say let your opponent take back any move she just made if you've yet to make your move! Chess is about defeating the best possible opponent you can. If you just want to win by any means necessary, go into politics.
"Ah say, Ah say son. Yah jus' like a tattoo. Gets under the skin, Ah mean."
"You know what else gets under your skin? Treponema pallidum!"
Meanwhile some old guy with a blindfold has been watching the encounter through his crystal ball. He was probably just watching for Sargon sitting on Constantine's face but then that whole fight broke out. Except he had a blindfold on. Maybe he loves porn but is really ashamed of loving porn and so he wears a nearly opaque blindfold that lets him see just enough to deny he's seeing porn. But he wears it all the time because he can imagine the blurry images he sees are always somebody getting fucked by somebody else. And being old, nobody ever says anything about his inappropriate erection straining against the material in his pants. Anyway, this guy speaks in Old Portugese [sic] Pig Latin which is a new attempt to obfuscate what's being said. I've seen the messages written backwards and the symbols printed in mirror image. But this is the first Pig Latin!
"This is the magic! We cast spells like so! Magical Pig Latin works best!"
Oh, the blindfolded guy might also be Tannarak but who can tell? I've forgotten what he looks like!
Tannarak and Sargon suck up Mister E's juices after Constantine kills him. And then Constantine agrees to join The Cult of the Cold Flame because Sargon and Tannarak are idiots that really should know better than to take Constantine's words and actions and every single thing he does ever at face value. I suppose their gigantic egos don't help them. They can't believe they haven't broken John's spirit with their genius plans and amazing powers and so they believe he's agreed to join them. But once he's signed the contract or drank the Kool-Aid or whatever, he speaks to his sword in Runespeak. And it actually means something in the context of the story! He says, "Talk to me," and then spits on his sword. And it talks to him, sounding suspiciously like Foghorn Leghorn.
Constantine makes plans with Mister E's Moonsword Self to defeat the Cult of the Cold Flame and kill Sargon and Tannarak. But he needs to play it slow because, in the meantime, he has to deal with all that shit going down in the Trinity War and Forever Evil.
Constantine #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. This was a good comic book. Right? It was pretty good, wasn't it? I think it was okay. I haven't read any other reviews to find out what I should really think but I think I liked it. Didn't I?