Stormwatch #25

Who the fuck is Mordak? What happened to Excremax the Ohmergerd and The Crayola Timelords?!

Last issue, Stormwatch was being coerced into helping some creature called A-I. The creature wanted them to make friends with Excremax the Ohmergerd so that they could combine forces while putting Jenny Soul at great risk to defeat the Crayola Timelords. Although the Crayola Timelords could just keep changing the timeline until they weren't defeated. Right?

I guess Jim Starlin knew that everybody would be asking the same question I asked after seeing this cover, "Who the fuck is Mordak?", because this issue begins with this panel:

So can we forget about Excremax making an appearance? Are we just dealing with Mordak now? Not that I mind! All these weird aliens are all the same to me! Call them whatever you want! I'll just type "the antagonist" anyway!

A-I tells Stormwatch the plan and, I admit it, I'm too stupid and/or uninterested to really comprehend it. The gist of it is that they must fight Mordak on Earth and take the final piece of the artifact from his dead hands. And once they've killed Excremax's right hand man and stolen what was rightfully Excremax's artifact, they'll be able to befriend Excremax!

You know what? After stating the plan, I hope I really don't understand it because it's stupid.

Stormwatch actually just stakes out Mordak until he locates the object. Then it becomes a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World race to retrieve it. Actually, The Weird rushes off to nab it while the rest of Stormwatch remains behind to lay some Dick Dastardlyesque traps to slow Mordak down.

It's then that A-I sets off a bomb that cuts communication between Mordak and Warworld that I finally understand the plan. I guess I didn't realize that the new Shaman was called "X" and that he was creating portals for teleportation as opposed to the old Door system that Stormwatch was using. X teleported onto the ship and dropped a bomb near the arrays that keep Warworld in contact with Mordak. Now they've disabled that contact and are free to beat the shit out of Mordak while retaining plausible deniability when they deal with Excremax.

Now that I've finally gotten past my idiocy and figured out the first few pages, it's time for a gigantic fist fight where Lobo winds up making his last stand.

Um. I hope that's not it.

After the rest of Stormwatch begins to fall, Lobo regenerates and sees his chance to ditch these losers. It's okay for him to flee this battle because he didn't sign any contracts or give his word or accept any money to deal with this shit. They just drafted his ass and threw him into the group. Hopefully he'll get away so he can destroy Twat Lobo in his very own New 52 comic book written by Alan Grant and drawn by Simon Bisley. Oh wait! I already have issues of that comic book lying around here. I think I'll go read that and pretend they're part of The New 52.

The Midnighter hasn't shown his face yet, so I'm guessing he's watching the battle and learning all of Mordak's weaknesses. Once Apollo falls, Midnighter will rush in and poke out Mordak's eyes while kicking him in the balls and shoving a Redwood up his ass. His own ass, not Mordak's. For motivation!

Meanwhile, The Weird successfully completes his task. I don't know what Jenny Soul is up to.

Oh wait. Jenny Soul arrives to spearhead the exit protocol. Judging by the way she takes out Mordak with one Soulblast, I think she should have simply been Plan A. Also, she should just be teleported in front of Excremax the Ohmergerd to take him out too. She already killed a few Crayola Timelords which nobody has ever done ever! The rest of the crew should just hang out baking cookies while she does all the work.

Really? Midnighter was just working cleanup? What a waste of talent.

That bit with A-I mentioning the political connotations of the phrase "Mission Accomplished" doesn't fit in this story at all. It's just Jim Starlin shoving his own self into the story to make some kind of comment that he wants to make. Why would A-I even consider that? It might not even mean anything in this color timeline (Ebony? Magenta?)! And besides, "Mission Accomplished" only has negative connotations when you proclaim it with grand celebration while the mission continues on for another decade. If you actually have accomplished the mission, go ahead and fucking say it.

Meanwhile there is a short scene with a bunch of human maintenance people fucking around on board Skywatch while earning double pay. I don't know where they're ever going to spend it. Perhaps there's a place like Macross City in the middle of Skywatch. One of the Maintenance People is acting shifty and accessing panels he shouldn't be accessing. I bet he's a spy!

Before the issue ends with A-I telling Stormwatch that it's finally going to be really fucking honest with them about The Crayola Timelords, Stormwatch rushes out to collect Lobo.

Is "triple crapola" Lobo's new catchphrase?

Stormwatch #25 Rating: No change. I feel like this book should be more exciting than it is. The threats don't loom large. The battles don't scale well especially against Mordak and his men this issue. Stormwatch members just fall for nearly no explanation except that Mordak is really fucking powerful! He must be since Apollo is the most powerful foe he's fought and he still beat him easy. This title is simply missing any kind of lure. I really want to like it! I really want Lobo to be fun and cool and a big jerko. But it's just been disappointing lately.

My favorite moment? A-I telling Storm Control that they have to lie low so they can't save the natives on the island that Mordak has landed on and Storm Control merely shrugging his shoulders and saying, "You're running the show, A-I!" Although it makes me think A-I doesn't really understand Stormwatch if it actually thinks Stormwatch fucking cares about collateral damage.