Nightwing Annual #1

Hands of who #God truly is thinking that fell on a problem is considered not 'respectable.' The ancient Zoroastrian scriptures while one urinates.

Since this is a Goddamned annual, I am going to simply use the Facebook App, What Would I Say, for all of my picture captions! Or, more probably, I'm just going to sit here for the next four hours hitting the "Generate Status" button while barely paying attention to my Nightwing comic book. I wish there was one that would generate Tumblr posts in the same way so I could just use the app for all future commentaries! I have a feeling this commentary is going to be light on the descriptions and heavy on the scans so I can post a whole bunch of Tessbot status updates!

This issue begins with Firebug burning a man named Ted Carson alive in his apartment building in Gotham City. Unless the villain's name isn't Firebug. And unless this isn't Ted Carson. And unless this isn't Gotham City. What it is, though, is a lot of orange ink across a double page spread.

Now it is somebody trying to cancelling his character from sheath; and then you are probably shaving their eyebrows and Batman, motherfucker!

Meanwhile across town in Old Gotham (unless Old Gotham is located within Gotham as opposed to adjacent to Gotham or across the river from Gotham. This might be the first time I've ever heard of Old Gotham. Probably not though. Perhaps the first time I actually paid attention to the mention of a Gotham City neighborhood. Fuck, I don't even know the names of the neighborhoods in Portland. That's where I live!), Barbara Gordon is helping Dick Grayson pack up his apartment so he can move to Chicago. Personally, I don't know why everybody in Gotham isn't engaging in this activity. Maybe not the destination part of the equation but certainly the fleeing from Gotham part of the plan.

The first time you what? The first time you what?! I mean, "Speaking of the opening to The exuviae of humor."

Of course they wind up swinging around Gotham on their Batgrapples dressed as Nightwing and the Ginger Ninja. Probably because they have to investigate Firebug's recent bout of arson. I mean bouts, apparently! Bullock tells Nightwing that a string of fires and bombings have all been tied to a woman named Cindy Cooke. And she believes she knows who is targeting her but she won't deal with the cops. She wants to deal with The Batman. But I guess she'll accept Nightwing and his side kick in the ski mask and sweat pants.

Who the fuck asked you, Ginger Ninja? You're lucky she's even dealing with you! Why isn't she more disappointed that she asked for a bat and ended up with a jogger whose face chills easily? I mean, "I talked about the movie The original version of Kids of monkeys. bulwark of the old Testament says the Messiah will ride in on your face?"

Cindy Cooke believes a pyrotechnic guy that worked on her film before she fired him is behind the fires. It's obvious that he's a psychotic weirdo since he asked people to call him "Firefly" around the set. Dude, you do not think up your own nickname and then ask people to call you by it. That's worse than setting buildings on fire. Cindy spills her secrets to Nightwing while The Ginger Ninja hugs and consoles her. If I were Cindy, I'd probably have taken a serious attitude with this jerk in a half-assed costume trying to worm her way into a Bat investigation. How about sewing up a real suit, slacker?

Meanwhile, a man on a movie set is screaming "clit" at everyone because I guess that's what you do on movie sets when actors start acting all actory.

Note on down to all Facebook secretly likes Björk. It is considered unclean.

You know, this director is involved in movie making. And all of the places Firefly torched were movie and/or ex-boyfriend related! I'm no Batman but I think he might be the next victim!

Well, apparently I really am no Batman because he's not the next victim at all! He's just a lead! And Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja follow up on it and learn where they might be able to find Garfield Lynns, alias (allegedly!) The Firefly! At the follow up, they find a note that doesn't make any sense. But then we've already established that I'm no Batman, so it's probably just my feeble brain unable to comprehend what the note means.

Why would Garfield Lynns have put his own name on a list of things to burn and then crossed it off? Unless Firefly is actually Ted Carsons and he faked his own death by burning Garfield Lynns in his place! I mean, "Cookies are probably shaving their success with your vorpal sword.' Snicker snack and a month ago. They were talking, and I got him started, he said, 'O light wont last night, as you're doing in a high pay; but that Allah and then I saw you smoking the date you didn't know any sort of vague thing I've done anything."

While they were ransacking Garfield Lynns' workshop, Nightwing decided to ask Batgirl to leave her comatose boyfriend behind and move to Chicago with him. Classy!

Nightwing alerts Bullock to the possible issue at Willowbrook Charity Dinner but he never mentions how weird the note is, what with Garfield's own name crossed off and all. I'm beginning to suspect it was an editorial fuckup! But if it wasn't then Nigthwing and The Ginger Ninja are worse detectives than the Scooby Gang. And, come on, they were actually pretty crappy at their job. Or hobby? I don't think any of them were ever paid for their work. I bet Velma had received a huge inheritance and she convinced the others to drop out of college and travel the United States with her in her step-dad's van. And I don't want anybody commenting how they earned cash selling drugs or trafficking in sex slaves because that's as boring and trite as claiming Bert and Ernie were gay. Which they might have been but they definitely weren't a couple. Bert would have dumped Ernie's ass in a fucking heartbeat if they were an item. Unless Ernie was amazing at sucking the dick. I wonder if "Rubber Dicky" was the original name of his bathtub song?

But he didn't hit Garfield Lynns! Batman would be so disappointed in you, Nightwing. I mean, "and they were better loved her daughter's womanly cravings in Oregon City pink."

Nightwing finally realizes that Firefly is probably going after Cindy although he doesn't realize that it's Ted Carson seeing as how Garfield Lynns' name was on the list! I hate that I can't let that go! But DC really kind of fucked up this story if that's a mistake. But then, if it isn't a mistake, then Nightwing and Barbara really fucked up their job! So Firefly must be Garfield Lynns and the creative team made a big error on the note. It's easier to believe that the people that put the comic book together made a mistake than to believe that Dick and Babs fucked up!

I made that mistake too, Dick! We're the same! I mean, "Do they still have been a fucking parrot is intelligent, articulate, and said, Unicorn Sandwich. Also, Concrete Blonde tonight and his Son in apophallating species, the penis deserves all Facebook posts and all of these little gems."

Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja fail to stop Firefly from burning the shit out of Cindy Cooke. Except it's not Cindy Cooke. It's Cindy Cooke's agent. Which finally allows the last clue to drop into place so that Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja realize who Firefly really is! I'm pretty sure it's Cindy herself! And she's probably in serious debt so she decided to put on a rubber mask and burn the shit out of her entire life and then fake her own death. Which would still explain the note because Cindy would have had to kill Garfield Lynns as well to plant it all on him! But that doesn't explain why Dick and Babs missed that. Unless they didn't miss it and they were waiting until the end of the episode where they unmask Firefly to reveal Cindy Cooke and Babs says, "I first realized it wasn't Garfield when we found the killer's first mistake: the note with Garfield's name on it. Why would he write his name on a list of hits and then cross it out? I thought, 'Babs. I mean, Batgirl. I mean, The Ginger Ninja, this right here...this is a clue!'"

Or, you know, it was Ted like I originally guessed. The rest of my supposition about Babs and her final reveal still works though! I mean, "For those were all Greek, Wallachians, Armenians or Bjork just like a born pederast and he mostly does anything."

Nightwing and whatever Babs is actually calling herself now (The Stalker? The Creep? The Neighborhood Watch Target?) figure out where Ted took Cindy and arrive to kick the crap out of him. Firefly is as stupid as The Wicked Witch of the West! If your big weakness is water, keep water fucking away from you! Nightwing kicks Firefly into the bay and the fight is over. Afterward, Dick moves to Chicago while avoiding the relationship talk with Barbara because he learned a lesson about forcing relationships from Firefly and Cindy Cooke. But they both care for each other and something will eventually happen in the future when Barbara realizes she's an Amputeeist and begins hating Ricky for not having two feet.

And, finally, we learn what first Babs was talking about! And, yes, I'm slightly disappointed even though I know she only recently had her first kiss with a boy in the pages of Batgirl (with Ricky!).

"A few flattered themselves on Saturday Night sometime between the first time I ever gone more of him as Robin for Calculus Formulas tried to download a virus on me." Well damn. That one was nearly appropriate!

Nightwing Annual #1 Rating: This was fun. I was very happy to see Babs and Dick finally doing some serious talking about their relationship. They've had a few, small moments previously but it was nice to see them deal with it here. Even though Dick does kind of avoid it at the end like usual. They come to a nice peace about it here. And one page of their first date? I'll take it. Also, I think I learned a lot about myself from What Would I Say?