Batgirl #25

A fourth female writer at DC? Aren't Christy Marx, Ann Nocenti and Gail Simone enough? I mean, yeah, sure, feminism is good and all that but we don't have to get crazy about it!

Speaking of feminism, I wanted to make sure I named all of DC's women writers because four is so hard to keep track of. I mean, I can name all the male writers easy because, well, duh. But I wasn't sure I had all the womens. So I asked Lord Google, "female writers at DC Comics" which technically isn't a question but Lord Google understood what I wanted anyway.

Actually, he didn't, the asshole. But he did lead me to this shitty article of shit which some people might like for reasons but I hate for other reasons. First off, no evidence is presented within the article to support even the title of the article, "DC Comics Fires Top Female Writer For Refusing to Comply with Company's Sexism." Who said Gail Simone was the top female writer?! Where's the supporting evidence!?

That was a joke! She's obviously more on top than Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell. Hmm, that doesn't make her sound like a good writer at all! How about I just mention that she's writing the most interesting team comic book at DC right now. Here's a clue: Batgirl isn't on a team!

Bah, where was my fucking point? Oh! Abdul's title of his article! He does offer one piece of, well, "evidence" that Gail Simone was fired for the reasons stated in the title of the article. And where does he get that evidence? From Gail Simone's Twitter! Gail Simone's Twitter is 89% fart tweets! I don't think Gail Simone's Twitter is ever allowed as evidence ever anywhere because it's tainted by snark! For what it's worth, I think Gail refused to kill Alysia Yeoh and editorial was like, "But she's a woman close to Batgirl! You have to do it!" And Gail was all, "I don't have to do shit, motherfucker!" And editorial ran from the room crying because his mother had been dead for years and he also used to fuck her. Then Jim Lee strolled in and said, "You're fired, Gail, for being insensitive! Wait, can I fire people? I can fire people right?" Anyway, here's Abdul's conclusion as to why she was fired:

Many comic book fans had reacted with hostility against Simone back then too [when she wrote Women in Refrigerators]; perhaps her employers finally caught up.

Perhaps, yes, perhaps. Perhaps Dan DiDio was scanning the web and stumbled upon "Women in Refrigerators," smirking at the memory of the kerfuffle it had caused back in the day. And then he saw the name. "Wait. Gail Simone?! GAIL SIMONE!? Gail Simone is a woman? Fire her!"

Another reason the article sucks garbage poo is the way in which he begins by, understandably, calling out three male writers that are total scumbag dickbreathers: Frank Miller, Joe Kelly, and Joss Whedon. Really, Abdul? I get how Joss Whedon is one of the top three sexist scumbags out there because he's a male writer and he's currently writing shit. Plus by calling out Joss Whedon, you show your chops as a feminist by pointing out how another supposed "feminist" actually isn't very good at the feminism. And I suppose, technically, Frank Miller is still writing shit but does anybody really care? I mean, how many people actually have access to the walls in that men's bathroom stall? Also, who is Joe Kelly?

So after Abdul cannot find anything else to distract from the fact he knows nothing, he goes on to talk about The Hawkeye Initiative. Because, as he points out, the best way to be a fan of women and comics is to quote Mark Twain and put Cliff Barton in a thong. In doing so, he makes a major blunder exposing his horribilitudonous writing ability when he says this:

The initiative is certainly funny and even significant because it actually makes Hawkeye relevant again (he literally stays dead more often than not in the comic books).

Abdul used the word "literally" in a serious, written piece of work! And I know his piece is serious because I only write serious things and I know serious writing because it's all I fucking write. Seriously. I could have said "literally" there but that would have brought down the level and seriousness of my writing and it's already barely parsable.

Before I end my rant on a year-old article that smells vaguely of spoiled goat's milk, let me point out that he also makes a joke about his penis. I think.

Either way, for all the female comic fans who simply can’t get men to admit that the medium is sexist, they should show them [the Hawkeye Initiative]; it will certainly work. Why, you ask, ladies? Because, as a male, I can attest to the fact that I see things a lot more clearly when my Spider Sense isn’t tingling.

Right? That was a penis joke! Only one thing surpasses my knowledge of serious writing and that's my knowledge of penis jokes! And I'm almost positive what he said in the previous quote was that he can't think clearly when he has an erection but when he sees Cliff Barton in a thong, he loses that erection and, thus, can think clearly, Ladies.

Ha ha. He also says "ladies."

It's a good thing the internet doesn't have any editors or else this piece would never have been seen by anyone. Abdul's article never would have either though!

Now that the internet has completely distracted me because that's why rich white men put it there, I barely have any time to read Marguerite Bennett's version of Batgirl! I hope it's a sexier version than that man-hating Gail Simone gives us each month! But I hope she's not quite as sexy as Bennett's Twat Lobo from Villains Month because, hoo boy, I just don't have time to masturbate today.

Oh who am I kidding? There's always time for masturbation!

Okay, I thought people were idiots for staying in Gotham because it was so dangerous. Now seeing these gas prices? I know they're all just fucking insane.

The Narration Boxes use the Batgirl symbol so that we, the readers, know they're Barbara Gordon's thoughts. But I'm a fucking nerd so I'm yelling at my comic book and pointing out how she isn't Batgirl yet so they shouldn't be using the symbol! And then I barely hold my shit together when I find a typo. There's only one thing I hate worse than finding a typo in a comic book: finding a typo in my commentary when I reread it a month after writing it. Especially when I'm attacking DC for making typos!

You know, that last paragraph had a huge lie in it. Obviously I hate a lot of things more than I hate typos. Like people from the valley. Fucking stop riding my waves, you suburban sweater hounds. You drop in on my shoulder one more time and I'm shitting on the hood of your mother's Volvo.

Wow, that last sentence was a little bit titillating!

As the comic opens, we find Barbara Gordon enacting the shittiest apocalypse survival plan ever.

No, no, no! Once everybody sees the disaster coming, it's too late to go for supplies. It's like the first minute of the Hunger Games! There is no "getting in, getting what you need, and getting out." Only the Bloodbath awaits! You have to be prepared long before the sheep get wind of the End of the World!

Okay, I'm going to reveal my End of the World survival plan to all of you yahoos out there, so no stealing it, okay? I have stocked up on hundreds and hundreds of pounds of chocolate bars and sweets. I will be known as The Candy Man and every fucker in the city will trade with me! And if they think they're going to come at me with weapons and steal my stores of candy? Well, they'll just have to get by the little orange singing men, won't they?

I don't currently have tiny singing orange men. I figure by the time the End of the World rolls around, the technology for making mutant people will have reached a level that you can buy that shit over the counter.

Barbara almost gets shot over a loaf of bread and a gallon of gas because this storm coming is a Super Storm. Unless everybody is actually more freaked out by not having the answers to The Riddler's riddles. "What is gray and loud and advances like an army?" The Goddamned Batman! Actually, he's more quiet than loud. Maybe the answer is Doomsday!

My friend Soy Rakelson that I haven't talked about in a long while once set up an adventure for Warhammer that hinged on a magical blade and a riddle or something. The answer to the riddle was "Black Widow" because that was the name of the sword. But he asked the riddle as if it was going to be the greatest moment in gaming history and all I can remember is that everybody knew the answer immediately but we were still waiting for him to finish his Antagonist's Riddle Speech when a friend not even playing the game yelled, "Is it a Black Widow?!" in a mocking way. Soy Rakelson instantly turned red and sputtered all over his dungeon master's screen and yelled that the game has been ruined. But I can't remember the riddle he asked anymore because over the last twenty years, we've made it more and more obvious every time we talk about it. "What has eight legs and is black and is the name of a type of spider that has a red hourglass on its abdomen and is often used as a metaphor for a woman who kills her husbands and did I mention it was a type of spider and, oh yeah, it's venomous too!"

Holy fuck. I'm so sorry about this commentary. I'm only three pages in to an extra-sized Zero Year issue! No, no. Never apologize for rambling. Apologize for touching old men inappropriately on the subway. But never apologize for rambling.

How old is Batgirl here? Fourteen? Fifteen?

Eventually some police come by and tell Batgirl that she has to get to higher ground because the Gordon Homestead is in a flood zone. Being that it's the Gotham Police, they might be lying to her so they can rob Commissioner Gordon's house. Or they might be telling her the truth because they could be some of the 4% of honest Gotham Cops. So Babs gets outfitted in her father's body armor with some of his weapons so she can protect James as they hit the mean, mean, (insane), mean streets of Gotham. Don't tell me how to punctuate! Who do you think you are? Howard Mackie?!

Aww! Look at the little kitty! WHO'S DA CYUTE KITTY? WHO'S DA SWEET WIDDLE AWASKA KITTY THAT'S GOING TO WIND UP IN A TEENY, TINY REFWIDGAWAITER?

Barbara and James Gordon, Junior, find themselves holed up in a firehouse to wait out the storm. They meet a creepy guy named Henry. I know he's creepy because his hair is gelled and he's alone and he's making friends with a fourteen year old girl. Also because when does Barbara Gordon ever meet any nice people? I mean, unless she finds them with their leg in a bear trap.

Eventually a sinkhole opens up right under the firehouse, sweeping everybody away. Typical Gotham.

I must admit: I laughed out loud at this scene. It's just too much like a Sergio Aragonés drawing! I expect to find little funny people nearly drowning. I also expect one of the people to be Groo with Rufferto.

Why can I not remember the names of the children of my friends but I can still recall the name of Groo's dog with little effort?

Barbara helps lead everybody up the fireman's pole and into Bruce Wayne's study. I mean, onto the second floor of the fire station which is now the roof. She notices Coldlight Island across the harbor burning and exploding. The entire group slowly move from one roof to another as they head for roofs over higher ground or something. I'm not sure where they ultimately plan on going since the roof of a building isn't the best place in any natural disaster I can think of. Not that I'm trying to hard to think of one. I just needed something to say about how Barbara and Henry must have a better plan than remaining on a rooftop.

You know what really actually tipped me off to him being a total creep but I didn't want to expose the depth of my shallowness? That stupid fucking douchebag necklace he's wearing.

I know. The main tip off that he was a jerk was the conventions of comic book story telling. But that necklace, man. That necklace. Ugh.

Barbara jumps across the gap in the roofs and lands on Henry, breaking his collarbone. She does this because she decides to stop waiting for a hero and to be her own hero. She also calls herself "Barbara Joan Gordon." I suppose she's named after the lady with the ark that saved France from flooding in the fourteenth fifteenth century. I took a guess at Joan of Arc's historical period and was off by one century. Not bad for somebody who can't retain names and dates! Unless you're talking about Groo's dog and delicious Middle Eastern fruit.

Barbara removes the police vest she's wearing so that she doesn't drown if she falls in the water just as Henry tries to smash her skull with his foot and the edge of the building breaks away, sending him and Bab's possessions down into the water.

What's with the pearls? Is this why Bruce is mad at Gordon? Did Gordon steal Bruce's mother's pearls?! Maybe he just took them to restring and present them back to him later. You know, twenty or thirty years later. Also, I suppose they can just be another string of pearls but, seriously? When pearls are so symbolic to Gotham's most famous crime fighter? You know the one. What's his name? Rufferto?

Henry survives and swims away saying, "I'll get you next time, Batgirl!" Is swimming with a broken collarbone painful? It sounds like it would be painful.

Batgirl #25 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learn that Babs cares more about stuff than she does about people. No wait. I think I got that backwards. Jesus. I can't even understand a simple parable! Was this a parable? It was actually about a spiritual journey and the way to get into heaven, right? Always seeking higher ground by helping others? But the lure of material possessions will send you plummeting to Hell? I wish Jesus were here to explain it more clearly. After listening to Alice Cooper for so many years, I can tell when somebody is secretly testifying to me! This was about Jesus! Unless it was actually about John Wayne, what with the homestead references and such.