Superman Unchained #4

Without a public identity, how can Superman fight knock-off uses of his trademark?

Tonight on Jeopardy, one of the categories was "Country's Lowest Point" and my first thought was "World War II. What is Germany?" And then "Assassination of JFK. What is the U.S.?" Turns out, as you all realized immediately, it was a geography category. By the way, the final Jeopardy category was Video Game History. The question was What is the Legend of Zelda? The third place guy answered, "What is Zelda?" and by the look of the first place guy's face when Trebek said that was wrong, you knew he'd fucked it up as well. I laughed and pointed and yelled, "Ha ha! Loser jerks!" as I sat on my couch in my underwear covered in potato chip crumbs.

But now that I have more clothes and less crumbs on, I'm ready to talk smart about Superman! My definition and your definition of smart might vary dramatically.

Currently, Lex Luthor has kidnapped Jimmy Olsen because Lex Luthor needs an audience for his super villain speech where he reveals his evil plan to defeat Superman. Once, dressed as Captain Cold, I gave my very own death to the superhero speech to a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing The Flash's costume. I had a gun loaded with silly string pointed at him as he was tied to a stool on the backyard deck of my evil ice lair. It was maniacal! It was glorious! It was filled with doomsday and laughter and, most likely, sweet ass ice puns! And finally I pulled the trigger and a limp trail of silly string came out and tumbled just shy of his little body as the gun ran out of ammunition because I had been wasting it all night in my drunken revelry! I shook the gun, tried again, and nothing. So there was only one thing left to do. I stretched my arms out to the sky, looked up to the gathering clouds, and screamed, "NOOOOOOO!" Seriously. True story.

Here I am early in the evening when I felt unstoppable. Next to me is one of Professor Ivo's early attempts at a Wonder Woman robot. I think. It might simply have been Professor Ivo in drag.

So Lex Luthor is hopefully going to have more luck with his plans to kill Superman than I had with my plans to kill The Flash. But Jimmy Olsen isn't just a witness to the scheme; he's also a part of it! Lex Luthor has some crazy ass hand-stamping device in which he's probably going to inject Kryptonite into Jimmy's hand so that when Jimmy next gives Clark Kent a hand job, it will kill him. Fucking A. That's an awesome plan.

Meanwhile Wraith and Superman are fucking around in Tokyo fighting robots. How come Japan has never had a national super hero named Pachinko? I really think it's about time. In fact, it's so obvious, I bet they already have one but I've just never heard of her! After Superman and Wraith save Tokyo, Superman is going to have to sit Wraith down and have a talk with him about his name. What kind of a heroic name is Wraith? Seriously, that's bad guy nomenclature. Although Wraith has already threatened to kill Superman later so I guess it isn't an actual surprise to anybody. Plus Wraith works for the military and they have no idea how to name stuff so that it doesn't sound like they're about to curbstomp your country's capital in fifteen different ways.

While fighting the Russian Spider Robots, Superman takes a Super-bullet in his right shoulder and right ass cheek. Well, at least he'll be able to show Lois one of those scars. Although Jimmy will get to see them both right before he accidentally kills him.

So it seems everybody has been developing weapons specifically to kill Superman. What a bunch of thankless assholes. First the American Military develops Black Hole Bullets that suck Yellow Sun Energy out of Superman so the bullets can wound him. Then Lex Luthor develops Kryptonite Hand Implants so Clark's "friend" can kill him. And now the Russians have developed Spider Robots that shoot bullets which emit Red Sun Energy to soften Superman's ass just before they hit him. What the fuck is everybody's problem with Superman? I can understand wanting to kill that asshole Batman. But Superman? He's like a gigantic flying kitten that keeps people from accidentally dying. Anybody who wants to kill that is just a psychopath! I guess calling Lex Luthor, the American Military, and the Russian Government "psychopaths" isn't exactly making a bold statement, is it?

Lex Luthor is taking an awful long time to tell Jimmy Olsen that Jimmy Olsen will wind up being the murderer of Superman. I suppose it's because The Art of the Reveal of the Villainous Plan is almost exactly like Origami.

Meanwhile in Nova Scotia, the Magic Man with the Blue Kryptonite hands it over to Lois instead of Superman because he also believes Superman will soon be dead. Did everybody get an email that Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen and I weren't privy to? Also also, The Shard isn't actually Blue Kryptonite. It must be the Kryptonite from Wraith's world. Which would make it Lead because Wraith is probably a Daxamite. Except it's obviously a crystal shard and Wraith would have been dead a long time ago when the military stuck him in a lead lined bunker to keep Superman from seeing him. So there must be yet another world that produces Super-People that I can't remember. This is also tied to Ascension somehow. They're terrorists or saviors or Luddites or something.

Hmm. Reluctant to take a lead lined door in his hands? Perhaps he is a Daxamite!

Superman and Wraith combine forces to defeat the Ascension Spiders which must be made from wooden gears and catgut since they're so against technology. Also they use a brand of internet based on silk worms, spiders, and moths. After the battle, Superman asks where Wraith is from and Wraith responds, "..." Either he doesn't have an answer or that's the name of the planet he comes from. But before Superman can press him, Clark Kent gets a call from Perry Jameson explaining that Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane are both missing. Again! Fuck those two. So careless when they're trying to get a story.

Lois Lane takes the Blue Crystal from the blind man after he's hit by an ambulance driving itself. And then she's kidnapped by Ascension in their Luddite masks. The Guy Fawkes mask make for a much better movement, if you ask me. Ned Ludd looks like a well-groomed, Irish Rambo. They take her away to some dark room to reveal that General Lane is behind their creation. Luckily they don't search her bag and find the Blue Crystal so that she can use it against Wraith later.

And Lex Luthor finally reveals that Jimmy Olsen will be the one to kill Superman. Jesus, that guy is a long-winded bastard.

Superman Unchained #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Lex Luthor's paper dolls were cute. Is that enough of a review? Oh! I wonder how Superman is going to get that bullet out of his ass! That thing is going to fester when he realizes nobody can cut open his skin and he can't use his heat vision to cut open his own ass. Oh, sure. He can try to do the bounce it off of a mirror trick. But the kind of heat needed to penetrate the skin on his ass will shatter any mirror he tries to bounce it off of! I suppose Jimmy Olsen can probably do it now that he has a Kryptonite Surgical Hand.