Pandora #14

Yes! That fucking whore Supergirl can go fuck that lame Michael all she wants if Tig appears in this comic book! Um, I called Michael "lame" because he's a stupid girlfriend stealing douchebag and not because he's in a wheelchair. That would be wrong and I never say insensitive things. Except for maybe that whore comment. But that's understandable because she broke my heart and I have to condition myself to hate her or my pillow will forever be soaked in tears!

I was watching some Big Brother earlier tonight because it's the best show on television. And that's coming from the voice of the resurrected soul of John Steinbeck, Jim Morrison, and George Eliot, so you have to weight the merits of that statement with that in mind. The part I want you to keep in your mind is how you'd listen to and respect the opinions of the people I just named, so you should respect my opinion too. Don't keep in your mind that nonsense idea that I suddenly believe in a transmigratory soul that jumps from human being to human being like a sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, I was watching Big Brother and took some notes on some commercials I wanted to discuss.

First, they've released a new television trailer for A Dolphin Tale 2, possibly in my response to the feelings it generated in me which were substantial enough to arouse my ardor and rewrite the trailer for them. I may have used some words incorrectly in that last sentence. Now instead of a trailer showing a bunch of white people (plus Morgan Freeman, who, come on, is pretty much a white guy) patting themselves on the back for fixing a white person problem (namely helping a captive dolphin not be lonely or some shit), the trailer shows a bunch of white people who love a dolphin very much but realize that they have to "release it from captivity" if it's going to survive. So now they're patting themselves on the back for freeing an intelligent animal from a cage even though they loved it very much and it was hard to give it its freedom because they would lose their good shiny feelings forever. Way to go, White People!

The second commercial is the Best Foods Olive Oil Miracle Whip Commercial where some guy in a firehouse has just made sandwiches for the rest of the firemen. They're digging in, biting deeply into sandwiches with white, gooey goo dripping out the sides and running down the corners of their mouth when the guy who made them says, "That's not Miracle Whip in your sandwiches!" And they keep eating! Nobody fucking spits that cum sandwich out and begins vomiting all over the table! I'm surprised the guy that made the sandwiches wasn't fucking beat down before he could get out the second sentence which is, "That's a different kind of Miracle Whip in your sandwich! Um, surprise? No? No big deal? Enh, I jerked it on the bread, you dildos."

The last commercial I wanted to discuss is an Esurance commercial. Those commercials have really gone downhill since they fire Erin Esurance as their mascot. She was cuter than Supergirl! But not Tig! Anyway, some woman is standing on the roof of her house with a megaphone shouting about how she needs help fixing her house. Her neighbors stand around judging the way she's going about her business. One says, "That's not how you do that." No? That's not how you have a mental breakdown? Because your neighbor is fucking losing it and you're trying to point her to some insurance website? Go fucking calm her down and get her off the roof, you asshole! Before she starts shooting kids off their bikes!

That's it on my current round of commercials that get me muttering like a madman at the television while the Non-Certified Spouse just looks at me and says, "Why do you even bother watching television?" Although she probably feels like she's getting a break from my ranting when it's just commercials playing on the screen. You should see me froth at the mouth when the local news is on! Holy fuck I hate those idiots!

Oh wait! I forgot one! That trailer for November Man looks good, doesn't it? What was the pitch meeting for that movie? "Imagine this: the best killer ever. Now imagine this: the other best killer ever. Now--are you imagining?--imagine this: they're trying to kill each other!" Jesus Christ. Enough with the movies where the protagonist manages to be missed by five thousand bullets in two hours.

Okay! Now the Final Issue of Pandora starring, hopefully, Tig! Although I didn't like the art in the last issue at all and it's the same art team of Portela and Dalhouse this time. Maybe I don't want to see them draw Tig? I'm so nervous!

Oh my God! What did they do to you Tig?!

Ha ha! Just kidding! That's a picture of Will Arnett. Or Amy Sedaris. Definitely not Alison Brie!

Pandora currently has a problem. SHADE Agent, Agent Kincaid, took away her healing powers. Now the immortal can't heal and she can't die, so she's kind of fucked up. But she has a plan and it involves becoming a vampire! Maybe. That seems to be where the story is headed after reading the first two panels. Maybe she'll become Harvest?

Pandora, Shade Agent Agent Kincaid, and Giganta have become vampire hunters! They might even be better vampire hunters than that cheerleader that had a television show for a few years.

Really? I was going to say AIDS.

I hope nobody uses the phrase "the big bad" during this issue.

One of the vampires turns into mist and gets away because they do that kind of thing in comic books. Real vampires can't turn into mist though. That's just superstition! Real vampires wear lots of mascara and black clothing and sit on the park bench furthest away from everybody else on their high school campus rolling their eyes at the fools that enjoy being around other people.

While Pandora searches for the misty vampire, she meets Andrew Bennett.

That's going to suck, what with the not being able to heal and all.

Once the misunderstanding is over, Bennett and The Mother of All Monsters begin hunting together.

I see Pandora's clothes still retain most of their healing ability.

Meanwhile, SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid hires Giganta to join the Creature Commandos. She can be the incredibly shrinking woman! Of course she shrinks down from giant size to normal size but you have to stick with the classic name, right? Also, can Giganta go smaller than her normal height?

The Big Goods encounter lots and lots of vampires including one that is probably referred to as a vampire king since it's like a bunch of vampires all tangled up into one grotesque, piss-smelling vampire. I can see how that would be good if you want to scare the shit out of someone but it doesn't seem like it would be particularly advantageous in a fight. Too many arms and legs spoil the soup or something. Why do we talk in cliches and idioms? I blame Jesus for never being able to give his disciples a straight answer. It was always "parable this" and "allegory that." And his disciples never understood anyway so Jesus always had to explain what he meant by the story anyway. No wonder he allowed himself to be killed. Who would have wanted to spend another day with those assholes after they got trashed and blacked out at Gethsemane?

They defeat the vampires and not a sign of Tig. Poopsicles.

SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid extends her offer of employment to Pandora as well to do good by hunting monsters. That's a good idea! Get the Mother of All Monsters to lead the Creature Commandos! Is that comic book going to fire up again next year with a new roster? Pandora, Mother of All Monsters! Giganta, The Incredible Shrinking Woman! Dr. Jekyll and Missus Hyde! Nina, the Lady Creature from the Black Lagoon! And Agent Kincaid, The Dark Half! Hmm, maybe this should just be the roster for the next Birds of Prey.

Pandroa #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. Possibly -10 Ranking. Was this the final issue? What the fuck was the point of Pandora? Her entire connection with Flashpoint and the reboot was never followed up in this series. Or was it? Did I sleep through significant revelations? It's possible I didn't notice what I was reading because I was trying to think up some new dick jokes. Speaking of dick jokes, take another look at the cover. Is Andrew Bennett wielding his cock? His hand looks uncircumcised. Um, anyway, I guess that's the end? Or something? For now! Because, you know, there's a Futures End issue next month which you can forget about by October since it takes place in a future that will never come to pass. Probably.

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!

Infinity Man and the Forever Making Fornication Jokes People #3

Oh yeah! Touch that box, you New Genesissians! Touch it hard! I mean gently! Whichever way mothers like their boxes touched best! Not that I don't know. I totally know! But I probably shouldn't say for some secret reason having to do with thinking about the children. Not that I think about children while touching women's secret areas!

People constantly say (at the expense of saying things like, "How was your day?" or "I hope you're happy" or "Do you want to get naked with me?") that when you get to the end of your life, it's not the things you did but the things you didn't do that you'll regret. Can anybody ever say anything more depressing?! There's only so much time to do shit during your life! When you're old and gray and sitting in a comfy chair eating chocolate covered chocolate to your heart's content, you're going to regret a lot of fucking shit because you'll inevitably have done less stuff than you didn't do! You'll sit there crying all over your smudgy, sticky clothes thinking, "Boy! I wish I hadn't spent so much time doing that one thing I loved when I could have been doing that other thing I think I would have really liked a lot!" You'll also stare at your spouse sitting across from you with chocolate smeared all over your spouse's face and think, "Why did I spend all those years loving just this one person? It was so great but wouldn't it have been better if I'd loved, like, six people just as much?! At least I could have ended up with a spouse that kept out of my fucking chocolate." Then you'll die and cease to exist and you won't regret all that time you spent regretting stuff because you don't fucking exist. Aren't you paying attention? It's like I'm writing for five year olds!

No wait. It's like I'm writing like a five year old. Sorry!

The words "infinity" and "forever" suck because they make me think how my life is "definite" and "terminal." Also the word "people" isn't that great either because fuck other people. Right in the face! You know, if they'll let you. You don't want to regret not having fucked people in the face when you're at the end of your life. Because, believe me, it's pretty awesome.

Why is Rod Serling narrating this issue?

The Forever People have found themselves inside Infinity which probably is as disgusting as it sounds being that one of the characters is named Infinity Man. Plus there's a ton of undigested lettuce lying all over the place, so I'm guessing they're in the Small Eternal Intestine of Infinity. Another reason I think they might be in Infinity Man's bowels: Jim Starlin's art looks like shit. Brozingo!

It's really funny when I say "Brozingo" in response to something I wrote that I thought was funny but not really laugh out loud funny but definitely insulting funny! I bet it's hysterical every single time somebody reads it!

Blah blah blah blah! Infinity Man is an idiot!

I think what the Infinity Man is trying to say is that he doesn't like how the chaotic evolution of the universe created a couple of assholes that now decided that the universe should be shaped in their image. So he's going to reorder the universe by stopping Highfather and Darkseid, going against the natural course of prescribed evolution that created Highfather and Darkseid in the first place! What a hypocrite!

I don't mind that Infinity Man wants to stop Highfather and Darkseid with mucking about in Life and Anti-Life Equations and general universal nonsense. But I do despise his holier than thou attitude while doing it! The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was allowing Dan DiDio to run DC Comics. Hmm, I think I got off track somewhere.

Does Dan DiDio think his legacy is to rewrite all of Jack Kirby's works? I guess we all know who will be writing The Demon when he gets his own monthly title. I'm surprised he's letting Ann Nocenti write Klarion the Witch Boy. I'm surprised he lets Ann Nocenti write anything!

It's Preying Mantis! With an "E"!

Why does there always have to be a test? Can't heroes be chosen because the person choosing the heroes has watched them and studied them and decided they'd be excellent for the job? Enough with all the fucking tests already! You hear me, United States of America School System?!

Mantis gets away without being healed, so I guess that means The Forever People failed the test! Also, the Forever People weren't inside Infinity at all. They were just in a warehouse a few yards away from where they summoned Infinity Man. I guess in-between issues, Infinity Man pulled Mantis into Infinity and carried the Forever People into the barn to get them out of the sun.

Beautiful Dreamer (who apparently isn't so beautiful in The New 52 because everybody just calls her "Dreamer") falls into a fugue state where she speaks with the Anti-Life Equation who has decided to live in her head. It probably taunts her with visions of the next Cosmic Crisis that the Green Lanterns are going to find themselves in. Someone named Lord Aagog is doing something that will cause something to happen somewhere and some people will have to react or something. I bet he only chose the name "Aagog" so he would be listed first in the Cosmic Yellow Pages (which the Green Lanterns could never use). I bet Lord Aagog was pissed when the cosmic dance club, "Aaagogo," opened its doors.

Everyone just looks annoyed that they have to deal with Dreamer and her stupid dreams.

Some of the Forever People say some stupid things and some of the other Forever People say some other stupid things. It's like whoever is scripting this comic book (Dan DiDio!) doesn't have time to actually care about how the characters interact. Almost the exact same way it seems like Jim Starlin doesn't care how the characters look! What else are they doing that's so important that they don't have time to care about this book they're selling to their fans? Also, when is Warworld going to make an appearance?

Somebody call a doctor! Her eyes are leaking oil! I mean, call a mechanic!

I should also mention that the Anti-Life Equation went out of its way to make Dreamer think that Mark Moonrider was going to betray her. So you can rest easy that Mark Moonrider will not betray anybody.

Later there's a scene back on New Genesis where some guy named Hymen (he invented the Mother Box. It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it? Okay fine. His name is actually Himon. But we all know what Kirby meant!) has been told that Infinity Man has made an appearance. Hymen doesn't want anybody to know about it because Hymen is a sketchy motherfucker that's probably working both sides of the New Genesis/Apokolips rivalry. Anyway, the defective Mother Box that now summons Infinity Man was supposed to kill The Forever Kids but it didn't. For some reason that has to do with some woman and her boyfriend. My guess is the woman is Bekka, Hymen's daughter, and the boyfriend is Orion. And this will all be settled in that Green Lantern catastrophe that's going to happen in a month or two.

Back in Africa, Vykin has a problem with the Boom Tube because instead of creating a tube and going "BOOM!", it goes "FOOOM!" and creates an explosion. I hope he sent in the warranty card.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The creative team simply wasn't trying very hard in this issue. I don't think Keith Giffen added much to the script because none of the lame jokes were repeated fifteen different times.

Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre's gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

This is Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there's one thing I can't stand being called, it's obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man's entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc's young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn't exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn't, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn't begin to collapse. I'm glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don't want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn't fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

Batman, Jason Bard, and Killer Croc escape the collapsing cave but leave the Ten-Eyed Man because fuck that freak. He's better off dead! And Batman doesn't have a responsibility to save everybody from death. He's just not allowed to kill them. And by "kill them," I mean they can't die immediately after having been struck by Batman, or at least not until Batman has turned his back on them while they were still breathing.

Now I'm just blatantly repeating myself from past commentaries. But there's only so much one person can write! I think I've used all the words I know. Maybe I should read a dictionary next.

My output on Blogspot for the past few years. Keep in mind, these are all entries personally written by me and not reblogs of funny kitten videos. The first years were before I knew what to do with the blog since I only created it because I came up with the Best Blog Name Ever (according to Doomkopf.com).

Doomkopf.com is the second website I've plugged this commentary and I'm not making any ad revenue! Besides "obvious," I apparently also don't like to be described as "successful."

Did you remember there was a riot breaking out all over Blackgate penitentiary which I thought was Blackgate Prison but I guess I was wrong or something? Harper's father is doing his best to convince delicious, creamy Warden Zorbatos that she should let him escape. Jim Gordon is trying to stop the riot all by himself. And Gordon's cellmate, Leo, is shaving off his beard. Is that because he's going to reveal his secret identity and that he's the mastermind of the entire riot, Rex Calabrese?!

These inmates are smarter than I am! I would have just said, "What the fuck is happening?! G-g-g-g-ghosts!"

Down in the jungle, Doctor Falsario has been murdered. And just when Batgirl was going to bring him in and expose the frame up job on her father! Also just when Leo was singing "in the jungle" because maybe he had something to do with it! Or he might just have been singing that because it's about a lion sleeping and his name is Leo and he was putting on lion's teeth because the lion was finally waking up which is the part of the song that nobody ever hears. But it's pretty metal!

Who????

That last caption was a joke for one single person!

Rex Calabrese is the most terrifying villain Batman has ever gone up against! A paunchy old man with dentures, bad contact lenses, and a horrible lion tattoo on his chest! How will The Jeezly Crow Batman ever defeat him? Although at least Rex chose a lion for his name. That's a whole lot scarier than a stupid bat. Although not that much scarier. All they do is lie around sleeping in the jungle!

Here's a fun fact! Lions don't actually live in jungles!

Isn't Barbara already grown up?

Back in South America, thanks to Batgirl's interference, a bunch of kids are out of a job! Doctor Falsario's knock-off super hero action figure warehouse is closed for good and a bunch of families aren't going to have enough money to eat this month. Nice one, Jerkogirl!

At least Batwoman discovered enough evidence to clear Commissioner Gordon. As long as the legal system in comic books is different than our legal system which probably wouldn't give a shit about this new evidence since the district attorney and the police behind the apprehension of Jim Gordon already have a win on the books and why fuck that up with new evidence from a country that doesn't even speak English!

And you know who we haven't seen much of lately? Spoiler! I mean, Stephanie Brown!

Good thing I'm not a critic so I can spoil all I want! I'm just a guy having a conversation with himself where everybody can sit and stare and watch me mumble incoherently.

Batman Eternal #20 Rating: No change. I hope that wasn't a crack at me and what I do, Scott Snyder and Tim Seeley and company! I may be an idiot with a keyboard but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself a professional idiot with a keyboard! I'm not just some shitty run of the mill review site like COMICSVERSE! I put effort into my scathing, humiliating commentaries about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina! It takes time to craft such perfectly penned insults! If I ever meet you at a convention, Tim Seeley, I'm going to look you right in the face and say, "Who are you?" Then when you say, "Tim Seeley," I'm going to say, "Oh, really? Would you sign this copy of Batman Eternal #20? And could you make it out to 'Your pal, the idiot with the keyboard'?"

Futures End #16

Brainiac can't be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle's Volume Up button decided it didn't want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn't destroy my ear drums, I'll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that, perhaps, the Volume Up button might work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn't as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, "Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now."

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child's hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

Five years from now, cash will be scarce! So no different than my lifestyle now.

I've talked about The Mark of the Beast before but I'll talk about it again because who reads every single one of my posts anyway? Who has the time? I should probably recycle a lot more material than I already do. I don't think self-plagiarism is illegal!

People who believe in The Mark of the Beast kind of crap always have this idea that they'll never fall for it because who would ever, knowing that it means the end of the world, get a mark tattooed on their hand or a chip imbedded in their wrist that would allow them to make purchases? They'd see that coming and say, "Oh no! I know better! Fuck you, Devil McDevilish! No mark for me, thank you!" But nobody ever considers that the reason it would happen is not because everybody would suddenly weigh the benefits of the mark versus the evil it would do bringing about the destruction of the world but because everybody would be fooled into getting the Mark of the Beast. And guess what, assholes? You all fucking fell for it! The Mark of the Beast is smart phones! Eventually (apparently five years from now), money will be used less and less because everybody will just be scanning their cell phones at registers to have their cash deducted straight from their account. And if you were an old weirdo mystic from thousands of years ago and saw a vision of people scanning some mark held in their hand, you wouldn't know to say they were using some kind of mechanical device. You'd just note the vision had a mark and a hand and boom! Mark of the Beast. Y'all are devil worshiping assholes! But don't worry! I'm not using a smart phone and never will because I have a smart head. I prefer to access the knowledge that's in my own brain as opposed to stopping in the middle of every conversation to look shit up like some Future Retard. Also, I don't like for people to be able to get in touch with me.

No Apologies! Press should probably be forced to change the name of their web comic to "Future R-Slur," amirite?

Transparency: I am 1/3 of No Apologies! Press.

More Transparency: The baby in Future Retard is me.

Still More Transparency: I am also the protagonist of Future R-Slur!

Even Still More Unwanted Transparency: Most of the initial scripts for the comic were written at Comic-con in the late nineties. Unless it was in 2000. Is 2000 part of the nineties? I think it is!

Stormguard's cape has too many stripes. Unless five years in the future, they've discovered more original US colonies!

Over on Cadmus Island, King Faraday has decided Fifty Sue, Cole Cash, Deathstroke, and, I guess, Twofer Lana Lang need to investigate the Stealth OMAC troubles. They appeared about a month ago. Right around when Cole Cash came to the island. I'm sure it's his fault somehow.

You know what's been missing lately? All of those Narration Boxes that Cole Cash usually creates in every scene he's in. His constant, miserable narration of every situation he's in is the most entertaining aspect of his character.

Mister Terrific has now become the most intelligent person on New Earth as opposed to the third smartest person that he always bragged about being. Or it's just possible that The Cancelator, whom he's always speaking to, just knows the importance of sunshine inside assholes.

Here's a picture of Super Booster punching out Rampage as Lois Lane ruins her underwear. Unless it's Rampage whose underwear was ruined in this scene. It certainly wasn't mine. Why does Superman have to wear so many clothes?!

Rampage blows off the bottom of Superman's welder's mask with one of the soldier's guns because these soldiers don't know how to keep their hands on their weapons. But just seeing Superman's teeth and part of his cheek bones doesn't tell me anything except that Superman is not Jonah Hex.

Back in space, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein discover the identity of the creature that destroyed Stormwatch and is Borging up everything.

I know! Some reveal! This was on the cover! It might as well have been a Brainiac Selfie cover.

Futures End #16 Rating: No change. Speaking of a Brainiac Selfie cover, I decided to edit the cover so that it became a Selfie Variant. Does that make this an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea variant cover? Finally the reveal of the major antagonist but it's so boring that I have to believe some greater power is manipulating Brainiac. Maybe Brainiac is infected with the Skeets Virus and Skeets is the master behind it all?

Harley Quinn #9

Thank God for the Selfie! Now people can take pictures of the only thing that really matters to them!

I've never done a "Why I Need Feminsism!" post, so why don't we do that now?! It might not be a good idea because the main reason I need feminism is because my reasons for needing feminism will probably piss off feminists. Mostly because I'm a smart ass shit stirring asshole and love to poke hornet nests for my own amusement. But isn't that what feminism is all about? Being allowed to be yourself? I don't mean being allowed to be yourself if you're a rapey, murdery, child molesting, dog fucker. I just mean being allowed to have your own beliefs and ideals and goals and facetious sense of humor, even if a joke is occasionally at the expense of someone other than a white heterosexual male. That's feminism! Everybody being treated just like white, heterosexual males are treated in our society, right? Something like that! Feminism definitely isn't forcing everybody to be something they're not just so other people don't wind up with hurt feelings. I'm horrible at expressing ideas because I constantly have to keep knocking down those ideas so as not to sound too serious, especially if a dick joke presents itself. I should probably work on making more vagina jokes too because, you know, feminism! Anyway, how about I let John Steinbeck speak for me with one of my favorite quotes (from East of Eden) about feminism and why I need it:

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

I especially like the part about the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected, because have you read some of my rambling, incoherent thoughts on things?

All of that is to say, "Thank God for the Selfie!" It's a perfect representation for the celebration of the individual. We all fit into certain categories based on a whole host of labels generated by our society and our times. We're bombarded with messages about who we must be if we're seen as a member of those groups. This causes people to grow up with the idea that they have certain issues that affect them, whether they're actually there or not. Even as a white, heterosexual male, you're bombarded with very specific messages about who you're supposed to be. I don't mention that to say, "Oh, poor white males too!" I mention it because everybody needs feminism to fight against the patriarchal ideals of who we should be simply because we can tick certain superficial boxes on a census form. But the Selfie brings it all back to what's truly important. We're all individuals which means we're all different which means the most important category we all fit into is a category of one: your individual self. The Selfie is a reminder to celebrate you! I don't take Selfies because I don't have a camera phone because I simply use a burner phone for work purposes. These commentaries on comic books are my Selfies. And possibly my dick pics you didn't ask for.

The issue begins with Harley getting ready to join in on a burlesque show. Tony does remember how Harley turns everything violent, right?

Now I'm wondering if I have nerd rage in my birdcage.

But what does the individual owe to society, and how do we live a life free from oppression and the oppressing of other people? I believe it begins by living according to your own beliefs and values. It's one thing to express lofty ideals and another entirely to live by them. But when we live our lives according to our ethics rather than living according to our desires while paying lip service to our beliefs, we inherently improve the living conditions of ourselves and those around us. When we live by our desires, we only improve our own lives. I don't mean to suggest that we don't support our own desires! What else is life for? But when our desires come into conflict with our ethics, that's when we must make the hard choices. It reminds me of these lines from the Indigo Girls' "Deconstruction of Love":

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.
And as for the truth,
It seems like we just pick a theory.
It's the one that justifies
Our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrow.

Most people rationalize their bad behavior because it's easier to come up with an argument that supports allowing you to live like an asshole than it is to not be an asshole and give up some things that you desire because acquiring them might come at the expense of other people. That reminds me of these lyrics from The Ditty Bops "Walk or Ride":

I'm feeling quite confused
By the people who refuse to see
A simple way of life that won't make you the loser.

Harley ruins the Burlesque because she was given these stage directions: "Make believe she's your ex-boyfriend."

It's obviously easier said than done, living by the thing you feel is right. Especially in these economic times when the worker has lost all power and job creators suddenly believe they are God's gift to the people and that everybody should be thankful just to be getting a regular, minimum wage paycheck from a part-time job with no benefits. People find themselves in situations all the time where they're simply struggling to survive and living by your ideals will simply mean starving or losing your family or becoming homeless. Although once you find yourself homeless, it's always nice to be able to pick a self-righteous theory that justifies your homelessness because you didn't buy into the system, man! So you always have the ability to lord your ability to live your ideology over those drones going to work every day simply to pay for the mortgage on their house. So that's a plus!

But living by your beliefs is the best way to change the system. Not participating in systems you don't believe in is the only real activism there is. It's all well and good to protest how you're drowning in your student loans after you've already received the benefit of the schooling you thought you needed and now don't want to pay for because the price was exorbitantly high. Don't think about how you had a choice of schools and you could have gone to that state school that was three-quarters of the tuition because you really wanted to be a graduate of Gonna Need A Lot Of Student Loans University. I agree that college prices are insane! But because I believe that (and I even believed that back when they weren't so high when I was in college in the early to mid nineties), and because I knew I wasn't going to college so that I'd be able to get a high paying job afterward (I majored in Reading Books!), I chose a school that was affordable (two schools, actually: Portland State and, later, San Jose State). Or maybe I'm just rationalizing my choices to make it look like I had some forethought about any of it and wasn't just ping-ponging around lost in my late teens and early twenties! Who am I to judge when I'm, like everybody else, just acting like those Indigo Girls' lyrics! It's enjoyable to be holier than thou when you can't afford anything else!

Um, anyroad, Harley starts another riot at the Burlesque Show and is then arrested. Or, um, kidnapped?

I hope he tells us his opinions on Harley's new suit!

By living your life in a way that focuses on the need for a steady influx of cash (that includes a simple life in which you needed to have all three or more of those goddamned children), you become a slave to the capitalist system. Corporations and job creators want people to be in constant debt so that they're forced to take any shitty job offered to them. They love people with dreams of owning a home and having a family with two plus kids! That keeps the system rolling along! It also helps maintain a base of people that vote against their own best wishes. Because if you can convince working class people that they're the only ones working hard to make ends meet and other people are choosing to leech off of their effort, you can convince those people to vote against programs that would make their life better.

Now to prove that he actually loves her, he must turn her into an object by cutting off her arms and legs!

See? This is what I'm talking about! Ed's lust for Harley Quinn has turned him into an inhuman monster that hurts others simply to fulfill his own desires. Although he also might be a sociopath that doesn't believe anybody is actually a real person and so anything he does to them is equivalent to kicking a piece of furniture. I suppose if your ethics are pretty shitty then living by your ethics doesn't do anything for the rest of us! I think I'm all turned around on this living by your ethics crap! Maybe the only way to truly live a righteous and noble life is to find a religion and completely and wholeheartedly believe all of the dogma that comes with it! Sure, you're supporting an institution that constantly oppresses and interferes with the lives of others but that wouldn't be your fault! You're not doing those things the missionaries are doing to natives in other countries! I mean, unless you're that missionary! And you're not the one telling homosexuals that they're evil, vile sinners. That's God doing that! Or the priests that misinterpreted The Bible and turned it into the dogma that you now feel you have to follow. But forget all that noise! It's just background static to your new life of charity and good works because some priests have told you that a book basically written by God has told them how to live a good and worthy life! That sounds like the life for me!

Or I could go into the military and just follow orders! Fuck all this ridiculous nonsense where I try to figure out a responsible way of living and taking care of myself without putting other people out. I just need somebody to tell me what's right without the opportunity to question that person or else I'll be punished! And if I have to go overseas and kill brown people, I'm sure it's for a good reason. Even if it isn't for a good reason, I'm not the one to make that decision anymore! I'd have divested myself of that responsibility which means I can't be held accountable for any oppression that might come from the end of my gun! Now that sounds like the life for me!

Anypath, Harley convinces Ed to get some psychiatric help from Dr. Francine Stein. If he survives a year under her care (probably digging up graves, amirite?), she'll go out on a date with him. He has to pick up the check though. But since nobody has died on-panel yet, Harley goes down into Ed's basement to fuck with some comic book nerds that once said her butt wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Now listen here, Harley! Home is exactly where people should be acting like filthy perverts!

Finally, Harley and Sy Borg head down to Skate Club to do some Skating. Third rule of Skate Club is if it's your first time, you have to skate. Unless that's the second rule. Although I think the second rule is the same as the first rule for some reason. The skating looks dangerous but I won't know for sure until next month. I mean, next Wednesday? When did this comic book become bi-monthly? Probably when Poison Ivy entered the picture! Brozingo!

Harley Quinn #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is fun and generally looks good and Harley is allowed to kill people. That last one is the best part because I'm not allowed to kill people so I need a method to live the thrill of killing people vicariously. Oh wait! I've rethought the whole living by my ethics thing! So now if I desire to kill people, I can, right? What am I asking you for? I don't need your permission! I just need a willing participant and a Craigslist ad!

Batman #34

Batman, the Mad Photobomber.

Who's ready for a new Batman story?! It's been ages since Batman has battled anybody except The Riddler. I think thirty of the last thirty four issues were part of Zero Year. And the other thirty issues were Court of Owls stories! And whatever left over was Death in the Family.

I might not be very good at math.

This issue begins with Batman learning that black is no longer the blackest color. So black as midnight on a moonless night is no longer the blackest thing there is?! What could possibly be blacker than that?! Shaft?

The black thing will probably be important later on. Unless it's just Gerry Dugan's unprofessional way of beginning his writing piece by talking about something that has nothing to do with the heart of the story. So amateurish.

Since when did Bruce Wayne become a private investigator? Who is this Leslie Thompkins?!

That was a rhetorical question in that previous caption! Of course I know who Doctor Leslie Thompkins is! She's that rat that might have sold out Batman's secret identity to Spyral and the reason Nightwing was forced to go undercover. I'm surprised Batman is still speaking with her!

This issue, Batman plans on pretending that he isn't starring in a weekly comic book that's taking up all of his attention even though he's barely appeared in it for weeks. Maybe that's because he was busy tracking down this killer that is killing Dr. Thompkins' patients. Tonight, Batman reminds everybody (or just a few people) why he's known as The World's Most Pretty Decent Detective!

Batman realizes that all the best cartoon detectives were dogs, so he hires a homeless dog to do most of the work for him. It's an odd choice since Batman is after a red pickup truck and aren't dogs colorblind? This plan will never work! Unless the dog can see the blackest black ever invented! I bet the blackest black is a metaphor for sexy butt stuff.

I wonder if Batman had to endure a thirty second, goofy conversation with some citizen as he climbed past their window?

The homeless dog leads Batman to a clue! Batman looks at the clue and thinks, "This is probably the most important clue I will find all night! It is the clueiest clue I've ever found! And I did it all by myself!" Then he nudged the dog outside and shut the door. "I am the greatest detective in the world, ma!"

The clue he found was a bottle of drugs with Doctor Thompkins' home address on it. So Batman disguises himself as Doctor Thompkins and pretends to be a victim. But he's not a victim! That's the twist! When the bad guy, Mister Meek, tries to kill him, Batman removes his sexy doctor face and says, "Ha ha! I am The Jeezly Crow Batman! And I have you now!"

So Mister Meek is Sean Hannity?

Mister Meek just wants to be left alone to do what he loves doing. Hey! That's what I want! Except the thing I like doing isn't murdering people, so I probably don't have to worry about Batman stopping me. I enjoy critiquing things like comic books and religious texts. I probably won't be hunted down by anyone until I get to The Koran. So I'll leave that one until much later in life.

Since Mister Meek wants to be left alone and Batman wants to punish him without going through any kind of legal process, Batman shoves Mister Meek in The Joker's empty cell at Arkham and then drops an anonymous email to Vicki Vale that a juicy story waits for her in Arkham. Mister Meek is going to get so much attention he'll probably kill himself. But according to Batman's very strict rules about what deaths can be blamed on him, this won't be his fault at all! Especially since he can't take Mister Meek to the police because this story is probably happening while the police are still letting anybody caught by The Batman back out on the streets.

Also, Batman now knows where Mister Meek buried the bodies because Batman is an expert on dirt.

Batman probably hopes The Joker does get pissed off and resurfaces. Although if he does, anybody The Joker kills isn't Batman's fault! Remember the rules!

Finally, Batman hangs around while all the bodies of the Potter's Field are unearthed because he "has to see." It's a kink of his, I think. Unless there's some message about Batman's character hidden within the story that I missed! Batman didn't punch a single person, so this story must have had some reason for being told! Probably something about how Batman hates poor people.

Batman #34 Rating: No change. Oh! I bet The Meek guy was the blackest black that is so black that you can't even fathom you're looking at something at all! You're looking at the nothing of something! But you have to look and look and look because you want to understand it but you can't understand it. Your mind just isn't capable of understanding something that you can't see. But you have to force yourself to look! You can't turn away or else you can't serve justice! Um. Or something. You figure out the rest of it! What am I? Some kind of comic book reading genius? No. You've got the wrong guy! I'm just a peddler of dick jokes!