Catwoman #47

I would never make a fart joke about this cover. Possibly a shart joke though.

Some people might disagree with me but I think the saddest moment on American television was that episode of 90210 which was advertised as a story about the suicide of one of the original cast members! Everybody who didn't know me was going crazy wondering which character it would be! Would Dylan finally snap?! What about Brenda?! But I simply saw the commercial and thought, "Great. They're going to bring back David Silver's best friend from the first season just so he can blow his brains out!" Which, of course, it was. David Silver's best friend whom he ditched to become a cool main character instead of a nerdy underclassmen punching bag. Why not bring him back for the most depressing event ever?! Have him point out to David how he stopped being his friend and left him alone to navigate the perilous waters of Beverly Hills High! Of course he killed himself! Just like Ryan Seacrest's co-host from the first season of American Idol probably put a gun in his mouth too! I don't even have to look that up. I'm positive that's what happened to that guy.

My mind is on sad things because Frank Tieri is now writing Catwoman. The most positive thing I can say about this creative change is that at least it's not Ann Nocenti. I should probably think up some good ways to describe horrible writing before I dive into the story! I've probably used the shit analogy far too many times. And I've often questioned the decisions of artist's parents to procreate, so I shouldn't do much more of that. Besides, it's a comment like that which got me blocked by Cullen Bunn on Twitter. How was I supposed to know that he spends his free time searching for tweets containing his own name?! It's not like I direct messaged him or hashtagged him or at-symbolled him! Are those things? They kind of sound like sex acts.

This issue takes place in Brooklyn because Catwoman obviously wants to get Harley Quinn to guest star in her comic book for a bump in sales. The opening scene takes place at Club Odessa which is a coincidence because in my last commentary I transcribed a letter from my friend Odessa! Um, I mean "Otessa"! That's what I called her to preserve her anonymity! Just like I call myself Tess instead of Jeff!

Catwoman has decided to rob a dangerous Russian mobster named Nikolai the Bear in the middle of ladies night at his club.

I really want to get started attacking the writing but let's start with the art! When I burgle an office, I almost always take a moment to pose sexily on the desk.

Catwoman is caught in the act. Serves her right robbing the club while it was open. Now she's going to have to dodge Russian mob bullets! And probably fistfight Nikolai the Bear! If she knew him better, she might fuckfight him. But I think she's still hung up on Batman.

Since I took a shot at the art earlier without sincerely commenting on the art but on the composition, let me say that I'm actually enjoying it. Especially this look on Selina's face during the fistfight:

So what are a concrete wall's vulnerabilities?

As Nikolai rolls on the ground and grabs his balls which is the only thing a guy can do when he's been kicked in them (it's some kind of natural instinct or something), Catwoman begins dodging those Russian bullets I predicted earlier! Then she escapes by crashing through a window and, presumably, landing on her feet and running away hissing.

Later, the art isn't as good. I think maybe Inaki rushed a few pages when Seleni meets to eat pizza with a big fat hairy guy. His name is Louis the Mustache and he's Selina's fence. She says he's been her fence since she was a teenager but the fence she was with when this comic book began didn't have a mustache! Also she died. But maybe Selina was only using that fence because Louis the Mustache had moved to Brooklyn.

This is the kind of family I love! The kind I never knew existed and never tries to get into contact!

I don't know what's up with Selina's make-up. Maybe her goggles are just on too tight and breaking all the blood vessels around her eyes.

Louis has another job for her. Not only is it another job, it's THE JOB! It's a career-ender! It's stealing the Frost Diamond and it's the biggest job Selina could ever think of doing which is the perfect first story arc to make Frank Tieri think, "Oh fuck. Now how do I make the next job more exciting?!" But Louis says the client doesn't want his identity to be known which is a dealbreaker for Selina for some reason. I don't know why! She's just stealing something to sell to her fence! She isn't a bounty hunter! Why the fuck does she care who's getting the jewels? I guess she has a Code just like Twat Lobo.

Selina refuses but then Louis the Mustache says that he's dying. Oh no! Not Louis the Mustache! He means so much to Selina! If you don't believe me, reread that previous panel I scanned! See? He's family! This is so sad! He only has two years which is...well, that's not so bad, right?! Two years! That's still a lot of Catwoman story arcs! By the time two years comes around, Frank Tieri will be off the book and maybe the next writer will forget about the stomach cancer altogether! Hell, the next writer will probably just forget about Louis himself!

The Frost Diamond is the biggest black diamond ever which is totally fucking untrue and Selina knows it! I'm surprised she'd have anything to do with a black diamond after her last brush with one.

Why is she reading about the Front Diamond? Isn't it the Frost Diamond she's after?! I'm confused!

Selina is still working with Alice Tesla which is probably where she got her high tech goggles. Alice is a young wunderkind who can do anything with technology. She also says stupid things like "To paraphrase Mister Miyagi...lights on...lights off." Are you fucking kidding me?! If the quote is "wax on, wax off," you can't just change the verb and say you're paraphrasing a movie quote! You're just saying something completely different! Besides, what makes Alice think she needed to even fucking mention Mister Miyagi in this context? Just fucking say, "Lights out, motherfuckers! BOO-YAH BITCHES! Alice Tesla in da hizz-ouse!"

That wasn't any better, was it? I feel dirty.

Catwoman easily steals the Frost Diamond and delivers it to Louis the Mustache who probably should have gotten a second opinion.

Two years?! It was more like two pages!

Six cops bust through the door before Catwoman can get away. I know what you're thinking. "That must have been a big door!" No, no. It was a regular size door and even though Catwoman was already halfway out of the window, six cops get the jump on her before she can jump herself. Which seems a bit ridiculous when earlier she crashed through a plate glass window at even higher up while being shot at by Russians. This time she just decides to give up. Coward!

Catwoman #47 Rating: -5 Ranking. It actually wasn't "-5 Ranking" bad but I just can't allow a Frank Tieri book to continue at the same spot as a Genevieve Valentine book. But it also wasn't good so I don't mind lowering it. It was simply standard comic book fare. Catwoman burgles. Catwoman's fence dies. Catwoman gets caught in a set-up. I'm pretty sure I've read this story eighteen times already.

Batman Loves Superman #27

Red Hood is a dandy shooter.

I just ragequit the Origins Magic the Gathering game on the Xbox One because fuck you, Wizards of the Coast. You completely ruined the fucking game with this expansion. When I'm defeated by a deck and you give me the option to replay the deck or play a new opponent, don't you think the new opponent should have a different fucking deck?! Apparently you don't because the artificial intelligence in your expansion only uses about 15% of the new cards. In ever fucking deck it plays against me. It's fucking boring. I guess I'll just never play your stupid nerdy game again and go play something cool. Like Bloodbowl! Seriously, the new Bloodbowl game is pretty fucking terrific. Good job, um, whoever made it! It takes me right back to the days when no female would let me get my unclothed dick near them!

So, Batman Loves Superman, right? It's such a terrible comic book!

This is how you start a proper review! I'm putting my cards right out there on the table for everybody to see. Don't think I'm one of those intellectuals who claim they're reviewing comic books in as unbiased a manner as possible to keep fans informed. No, I'm pretty biased. To be fair, it's experiential bias! I'm not just hating Batman Loves Superman because I see Greg Pak's name on the cover (although that's part of it!). It's just that when you've been kicked in the balls every time you pick up a comic book with Greg Pak's name on the cover, you start to become weary of picking up comic books with Greg Pak's name on the cover! At least most people do. Apparently I have a thing for figuratively getting kicked in the balls.

Since Superman is going through a bullshit phase right now (he goes through them every ten to fifteen years. Usually when the editor on his comic book is the smelliest piece of shit in the dog park) so it's time for a flashback! The flashback is all, "Hey guys! Remember when Superman was heroic! Remember when people loved Superman? Wouldn't you rather be reading that comic book?! Well, here's a brief glimpse of what this comic book could be but isn't because Eddie Berganza is a douchfart." Gordon is having the flashback and narrating it for the imaginary audience he and every other fucking comic book character constantly speak to. They're all weird fucking idiots. The only normal ones are Deadpool and Ambush Bug because at least they're talking to the actual audience! Gordon is just thinking in his head as if he's narrating a biopic about his boring life as a Commissioner of Gotham.

He knew Jimmy Olsen was in trouble because Jimmy Olsen is always in fucking trouble! Also super-hearing, probably.

Batman also makes an appearance in the flashback. Not Commissioner Batman! The real Batman! The one everybody misses! Well, not everybody. Some people are still pouting and writing nasty notes about The New 52 on the insides of bathroom stalls. Some people have prematurely aged into disgruntled old farts who can't stand change because boo-hoo! I miss my fucking characters I grew up with! Why can't everything always remain the same?! Cry babies.

Gordon was having the memory so he could realize that he and Superman don't trust each other. He also wanted to point out that Superman is currently a huge loser.

I hope "threated" means "promised everyone lots of candy."

Don't think I'm going to let the above scan off the hook with a simple slap on the back of the typo! I think we owe it to ourselves to have a good chuckle over Greg Pak's science! Vandal Savage stole an artificial sun to power a Nazi Super Weapon. But he needs uranium to power the sun! Ha ha! Why would a sun need a power source other than the hydrogen and helium burning within it? Uranium is star waste material, not star fuel! Fusion is different than fission! I'm not even a scientist and I know this scenario is stupid!

Unless not being a scientist means that I've completely misunderstood the scenario which means somebody else is stupid.

Yeah, but it's a small star. And it's powered by uranium. Mister...um...Grayson?

Superman happens to continue Gordon's memory because that's how thoughts work. They spread from one person to the other like herpes. Haven't you ever begun to whistle the same song as a person near you without any explanation for how it happened except for maybe because the song was playing on the radio in the car you were both in and it had just got to the part where the singer starts to whistle? Spooky!

Superman is all, "Trust! It's this thing I used to have with Batman! But I don't have it anymore with RoboBatman! And my hair looks awful! Last time I get it cut at Bishop's!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman are all, "We have to trust each...jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Superman's plan was not to attract Vandal Savage's attention because then he'd kill them. But I guess he has a new plan because he and Batman use Vandal's teleporter to attack him on his ship, The Valkyrie.

Friends? What friends? Who said anything about friends?! The only other person I see is Commissioner Batman and they certainly aren't friends! I learned that from the flashback sequences!

Over the next few pages, I count thirteen words that end in -oom! That means a fight is taking place! It's super -oomy!

Apparently the plan was to destroy the Navigation and Engine Rooms on Vandal's ship. I don't know how they knew the teleporter went to a ship or where they got the layout of The Valkyrie to help with their sabotage but it probably had something to do with Batgirl. When Vandal -ooms them one too many times, they escape through the teleporter while leaving a grenade behind to blow it up. I suppose they could have blown up the teleporter in Siberia but then we would have missed out on all of the -ooms.

Vandal arrives to find the miners have killed Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. I guess I'll cancel my subscriptions to Grayson and Red Hood Loves Arsenal on Wednesday. Vandal's men, using technology that they somehow know how to operate even though they're thousands of years old and they probably don't even know which way to put batteries into gadgets, discover Clark and Gordon are hiding in the ice a few miles away. Time to fuel up the sun by shoving uranium into it so that they can fire the Nazi gun and kill Superman and Batman!

The real plan was to trick Vandal into sitting in the Nazi Super Weapon and firing the gun which has been rewired to the engines because that's a funny prank! Vandal goes shooting off into space where he would never harm anybody ever again and probably meet Lobo and fall in love. Except for the one flaw in the plan which everybody thought of but nobody mentioned because they didn't want to jinx it. Vandal Savage, having super strength, breaks out of the hull to escape. Instead of escaping safely though, the ship -ooms him into little bits. Theoretically! Obviously he really just flew off into a snowbank where he'll freeze until he's ready for another story arc. Unless he isn't finished with this story arc? I figure this one has about three more issues since Action Comics and Superman have that many too, right?

He's not dead because he's immortal. And he didn't teleport because Superman blew up the teleporter. He's probably in the Phantom Zone.

Commissioner Batman realizes that everybody is tired of Batman and Superman bickering so he takes off his helmet and introduces himself to Clark. Then he says loudly, "Well, I have to go now! I'm going to drop in on a surprise visit to my daughter in Gotham!" Then Batgirl shits herself because it takes a long time to swing home from Siberia.

Batman does not fight for vengeance! You take that back! That's Midnighter you're thinking of! And also Batman written by shitty writers who really wanted to write Punisher stories.

Batman Loves Superman #27 Rating: No change. This issue wasn't horrible even if I was laughing at how stupid it was! Did I just contradict myself? Oh, who the fuck cares! It was better than some others but still filled with stupid plot elements. And the art was mostly poo.

Bombshells #6

Wink, wink!

I'm home tonight instead of driving around making my business thrive because the roads in Portland are currently sheets of ice. Therefore I've decided to work on my second business which is writing unhelpful comic book reviews! And which of my reviews are more unhelpful than my reviews of DC Comics Bombshells?! Practically none of them because in the other ones, I don't spend the majority of the time hoping women will kiss. I mean, I spend my time reading the comic book thinking that, obviously! But I don't write about it as much as I write about it while reading Bombshells!

I have a theory! The main reason guys like lesbian pornography is because we think men are just as disgusting as women think we are! Who wants to watch a man be sexy? It's gross! I can watch a man chop down a tree or swing a golf club or light a cigar and suck the shit out of it but I don't want to see him kissing a woman passionately. When I see that, I just think, "Poor woman!" Actually, men doing things that aren't sex is when men look most sexy. Some people think men in porn are skanky looking dudes but they're not! I bet they look super sexy trying on a tuxedo! It's just that filming a man's bone face while he stares at the woman desperate for a taste of his cock is like farting in the Louvre. I'd explain that analogy further but then why bother using it at all?!

My theory is probably wrong. But I plan on doing experiments to test it! Does Craigslist have a Science Section?

This issue begins with Mera destroying a German sub with a zombie crew. She conscripts a few whales into service on the side of the Allies which seems a bit presumptuous. How does she know they're not in favor of whatever Germany was in favor of. I think it had something to do with a worldwide eugenics program. It might also have had something to do with real estate and paranormal artifacts.

After Mera gets done flirting with the seamen, she meets Starikov and Stargirlikov.

I don't remember why I chose to scan these panels. Mera looked sexier in some earlier panels!

After battling for the requisite number of pages, the women stop and chat. They discover that they're all on the same side and choose to work together to save the world with copious breaks for kissing.

The next story features Batwoman and Catwoman so it will be the sexiest of all three stories. Unless the last story is a Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy romp!

While out blowing up tanks, Batwoman discovers a hideout for swing kids. Those are kids who swing. It's right there in their name. And one of those swing kids is The Huntress. And some of the swing kids are zombies! No wait. The zombies are of the undead German soldier variant so I guess they hate swing music. Batwoman watches The Huntress take a few out with her crossbow guitar and decides she wants to adopt her.

After the war stories are over, will this just morph into a Bombshells Birds of Prey book?

Catwoman and Lex Luthor pull up as Helena mentions she's the leader of the German Youth Resistance. Helena hides in Catwoman's trunk as Batwoman gets in to go have dessert with Lex and Selina. What kind of fancy French dessert is a ménage à trois? It sounds delicious!

Then there's a panel where Batwoman is simply saying "...eee." which means it's totally going to become an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header!

On the way to dessert, Lex shows Batwoman his new toy: kryptonite! I guess that will stop...let's see...doing the math...one of the Bombshells so far! Utterly useless, Lex! That should be Lex's new nickname: Uselex.

There is no third story. There is just a bunch of epilogues to the stories that have been taking place. Supergirl and Stargirl join the Bombshells and change their uniforms so they aren't quite as Soviet looking. Kate Kane misses out on dessert (or is coming back from it, seeing that she's in a new dress) because Brother Night tries to kidnap her. Wonder Woman breaks out of prison and goes on the lamb with Steve Trevor. Harley and Ivy continue their road trip to Germany while creating more Nazi zombies.

And Zatanna flirts with Bunny Constantine.

The Zatanna and Bunny Constantine gets a longer epilogue than the others because it's both sexy and too adorable for words. Especially this panel:

Now I want a bunny so I can teach it to smoke.

DC Comic Bombshells #6 Rating: No change. Overall, the art this issue didn't do much for me. Except for some of the bunny shots of Constantine and Zatanna wishing for Milan. I hated the relationship between Zatanna and Constantine in Justice League Dark but I could get behind this one. Their "will they/won't they" chemistry really works. Unless it only works because I can't stop cooing over the widdle bunny. I'm also cooing over Zatanna's cleavage but in a very different manner. I don't know why so many Bombshells comics have been coming out but I can only assume it's because they had a backlog of them from when it ran digitally and DC has been catching up on all of their late comics in December. It's probably for tax reasons. Isn't everything for tax reasons?

Teen Titans #14

Here we go again!

The Titans were shattered previously when some of them didn't want to follow Red Robin and decided to join Manchester Black. They shattered even more when Red Robin decided to help the murderer Superboy escape justice. But then they were kind of getting back together last issue when Red Robin convinced the Titans that Titans stick together no matter how stupid one of them is acting or how many laws a member breaks. So now they're instantly shattering again? Is that all this comic book wants to be? Teens bickering with each other before making up only to bicker some more? What happened to the first story arc which wasn't very good but at least had the Teen Titans becoming beloved heroes of New York. Why is that a horrible status quo? Why do heroes need to be hated by the people they're trying to help and protect? I think Eddie Berganza has a box full of three by five cards with one or two line synopses of each comic book he's editing to make sure writers are sticking to the plan. The Teen Titans' card must read "Teenagers have problems with authority and also adults so these characters should be totally unlikable." Notice how I spelled "unlikable" like an American instead of my preferred way of spelling it "unlikeable" like the British (and probably anybody else using English) because Eddie Berganza wrote the card and he's not British. I mean, I'm not British either but I don't have to try to accurately portray myself. That just happens automatically.

Last issue, the Titans were arrested by Alpha Centurion. On the plus side, the Titans were arrested for breaking into a prison and helping an escaped convict. On the minus side, Lobdell's version of Alpha Centurion has become a part of this comic book. On the super-duper I've-totally-been-betrayed-and-lied-to-by-DC-Comics-because-his-name-wasn't-on-the-cover minus side, Scott Lobdell is listed as a writer.

No, he wasn't right. You can't just make what he did right by having another hero say he was right. Fuck you, Lobdell and Pfeifer.

Red Robin decided Superboy was innocent and took the law into his own hands by keeping him out of the justice system. How would Batman feel about that? Batman breaks the law all of the time as a vigilante but ultimately he leaves the justice to the police and the courts. He didn't break Gordon out of prison in Batman Eternal even though he knew Gordon was being setup from the beginning, did he? No, seriously, did he? I don't remember! I'm fairly certain he didn't and I hope he didn't because my entire point rests on that being true! Red Robin should have left Superboy to the court system. So helping his friend wasn't right. It especially wasn't right because Superboy confessed to killing the Musliens! Red Robin was wrong in every single way! And now Alpha Centurion is telling Red Robin he did the right thing? Bullshit.

Every other time I've said I've hated Scott Lobdell before this moment was hyperbole. But I think I really do hate him. My heart grows dark. I've lost all faith in his potential. And I feel sad because I've now decided he's the absolutely worst person and nobody likes being his friend although some people pretend to be because he has enough X-men money to pay for lunch.

Don't forget how they were harboring a fugitive!

Red Robin blames the anti-Teen Titans sentiment on the anti-young vigilante movement happening in Gotham. Way to deny responsibility for your own criminal actions, douchebag! And not only that, he's only now weighing the consequences of involving the other Titans in his prison break. Most of them could be seriously fucked if simply by being arrested and fingerprinted. I guess that's a good enough reason to, once again, ignore justice and take matters into his own hands! Do whatever you want, Red Robin! If Batman taught you anything important, it's that you're above the fucking law! Being arrested is for bad guys! And "bad guys" is defined and determined by you!

Fuck yeah! Anarchy! Down with the system! Youth revolution!

Before this moment, Red Robin points out how the Teen Titans have messed up because they're kids who maybe don't know everything (except what's right! Remember, they know what's right! Not you!) and that sometimes they make it up as they go along. So basically he's telling the View Tube Reporter that the Teen Titans are going to do whatever they want no matter what anybody thinks about it. Sounds like the Teen Titans may as well be super villains.

So now we have Red Robin pointing out that the Teen Titans are doing the right thing (even thought they weren't). And since Alpha Centurion told Red Robin he was right earlier (even though he wasn't), I'm starting to suspect that maybe they're right! How did I not see it? Their actions have been totally justifiable in ways that can't be misconstrued at all! I'm such a dum-dum! Hopefully the judge will have been told eighteen different times that the Teen Titans were just doing the right thing so he can set them free without having to go to trial.

Or the Titans can just break out because fuck everybody! They'd be right to do so!

Stupid guard! Now the Titans are going to feel justified when they beat the shit out of you and break out of custody!

It must be nice, as a writer of complete bullshit, to be able to shift the blame from the Titans to a bunch of assholes who are against teen vigilantes. From this point on, the story will probably begin to ignore all of the wrong things the Titans did and concentrate on the irrational hatred growing among the horribly paranoid, ignorant, and angry populace of the DC Youniverse.

The comic book gets even worse when Spider-man...I mean, Doomed-man arrives to break the Teen Titans out of the prison vans taking them to prison. I mean a different prison than the one they broke into which is the one that houses the superheroes. I mean supervillains. Doomed-man is looking to save Wonder Girl because she once saw him naked and he liked it.

The Teen Titans decide to use this moment to escape rather than pay for their crimes. I can't blame them! Who wants to deal with consequences?! Fuck consequences! That's why I cheered about the youth revolution earlier! But the Titans don't just have to get past Alpha Centurion! They'll have to get past the entire Pax Galactica!

Goddammit! Enough with Scott Lobdell's pseudo-Roman space beings!

Lobdell was probably sitting around wondering why nobody was using the great Pax Galactica characters he created so he had to remind everybody that they existed. If they get popular enough, maybe they'll be used in a movie and he'll get some royalties! Maybe they'll even get action figures and Heroclix figures! Probably not though because they're ass.

Red Robin knows the Teen Titans can work together so he commands them to work together good! And they do! They do all of the working together there is!

Yes, by all means, please do the math. But do not try the science. Please do not science the shit out of Beast Boy's sudden and inexplicable increase in mass.

You know what? I think I know what happened here! I understand why the mix-up! Last time Straith appeared in Action Comics, he said, "Needless to say, I come in peace!" I pointed out how that wasn't needless at all! It was a very much needed thing to say! But he might still believe it's a needless thing to say so he didn't say it this time! The Teen Titans really could have heard it though because they don't realize he's come in peace. And that's why these kinds of misunderstandings take place!

Also they're trying to break out of police custody! That's probably a reason too.

After the battle, the Teen Titans teleport back to the Robin's Nest in Gotham City. They'll hide out there for awhile until everybody forgets that they're awful people and they can go back to being superheroes.

He's right there. He just turned on the television for you, dum-dum.

Lobdell must have had to write in the Red Robin goes off to fight the Robin War epilogue at the last minute and wrote the dialogue for the previous page without noticing that Red Robin was in the scene. Probably because he was jerking off to Power Girl's ass. From now on, I'm going to be like Power Girl! Whenever a whole roomful of people are looking in one direction at something, I'm just going to stand backwards and watch over my shoulder. Seems appropriate.

Teen Titans #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. This comic book is awful. It was awful before Scott Lobdell was asked to come back and now that he's back on it, it's awfullerest. I suppose the cover was meant for whatever Will Pfeifer had in store before DC Comics told him his book was shit and that the only way to make it better was to make it shittier. You do that math on that one!

Batman Beyond #7

I was completely betrayed by the "The End" at the end of last issue. Because this doesn't look like "The End" at all!

"A New Dawn" sounds like the kind of thing people say when they awaken to hope. But who are the dolts living in this shithole of a future DC Youniverse suddenly excited to carpe diem the hell out of their lives? Most of the world is dead and Gotham will be soon! I don't know how it isn't already! Somehow Gotham has continued to exist for thirty years without any outside assistance. Am I supposed to believe that Gotham has always been a self-sufficient community without any kind of commerce with the outside world? Okay, fine! I believe it! Why do I ever question comic books on any kind of reality when their first and most important premise is that super-powered people exist? I think I'm the dolt!

The issue begins with Tim Drake dramatically proclaiming that Batman is dead. That would be a good place to end this series! I could just close the cover, put the comic book back in the mylar, and pretend that the series is over. They're giving me an out! All I need to do is crush my overwhelming need to finish reading this book and walk away! It's just that I also have this powerful belief that aneurysms are caused by denying yourself those things your brain is screaming at you to do. So for my own health, I'm going to have to finish reading this. At least it can't be as boring as Cyborg, right?

Tim is failing to rebuild the Batman Beyond suit with Batman's notes and schematics. It's only when he remembers Batman was a paranoid asshole that he discovers the secret to reading Batman's notes.

You have to be smart to work with Batman! How else can you run every sentence he says through this code while also trying to keep the Cluemaster Code straight in case he's using that and I'm sure he has an anti-Superman code he uses when that fucker is around. I usually can't even follow the explicit thing he's saying let alone try to decode it all at the same time! He must have some kind of visual cue for the Batfamily so they know when he's slipping into a code. Like staring angrily or staring angrily in a different way.

While Tim fixes the Batsuit, Matt McGinnis is scouring the Neo-Gotham underground for information. He's trying to find out where the cyborg arm of Green Lantern was created. Maybe he's trying to figure out where the battery for the Green Lantern ring is because it probably still needs to charge every 24 hours. And he can't become McGreen Lantern without a battery for the ring he stole. He learns it came from Metropolis but doesn't get any specific details. That's fine because who wants the story to move at a decent pace? I prefer to have 80% of my comic book wasted on characters asking questions that are never answered.

Tim rebuilds the Batsuit but he still hasn't gotten A.L.F.R.E.D. up and running. Has the comic book ever said what that stands for? The ALF part is easy: Artificial Life Form! But the RED has me stymied! Probably because I keep reading the ED as erectile dysfunction. Anyway, since the Alfred AI is still offline, Barbara Gordon is going to be his Penny One.

The new Batsuit works and Barbara is suitably impressed enough to ask Tim to live with her.

No wonder Gotham was such an awful place! The villains ruined everything fun about life: cats, jokes, riddles, puppets. Okay, maybe not puppets.

Tim tests out the combat capabilities of the new suit by finding some Jokerz to beat up. Everything goes well and the Joker he knocks off a motorcycle at full speed doesn't die because he's Batman! He doesn't kill, remember? And knocking people off motorcycles isn't that dangerous if you know exactly where in the head to concuss them with a batarang! Duh!

Tim moves in with Barbara and her cats, Dick and Not Dick. That must be their names, right? It's awkward because Barbara has gotten old while Tim gets to remain young. That has to be annoying. I bet most people wouldn't mind if a virus suddenly destroyed everybody younger than the age they currently are so they wouldn't have to be reminded that the world goes on without them. Especially the babies. Not that I really wish all babies would catch a virus and die! That's a disgusting thought that only disgusting people think! *Wink!*

Later Tim discovers that Matt has disappeared. We know he's gone off to Metropolis to find a Green Lantern Battery! But Tim doesn't know that yet. Hopefully he'll have figured it out by the beginning of the next issue so I don't have to read five pages of him doing detective work. Why do people always want to see Batman do more detective work and less punching people?! How about a compromise! A little more detective work, a little less punching people, and a whole lot more sex with Catwoman. Deal?

Batman Beyond #7 Rating: No change. I wasn't bored by this issue! It wasn't super exciting but I'll take "not being bored" over "Futures End Still Isn't Fucking Over Yet?!" any day! Hopefully the visit to Metropolis will be uncover new bad guys that have nothing to do with cyborgs or robots. I guess I'll accept mutants because what else is there in dystopian future fiction?!

Midnighter #7

He can't be having the fight of his life in issue seven! Why bother buying any more if they're all going to be less exciting?

The cover probably means "the fight of his life up until this moment" even if it doesn't say that. But that's also trouble in the comic book world because that means the next fight will have to be even bigger and scarier and more life threatening or fans are going to be disappointed! If I were designing the covers of comic books, I would say stuff like "This is a pretty exciting fight but it could probably be better!" and "Midnighter fights a fight!" I wouldn't want anyone reading this book only to think, "I've previously read a fight of Midnighter's that was way more of his life than this!"

The fight mentioned by the cover is against Prometheus, Midnighter's boyfriend. Or probably ex-boyfriend at this point. You might remember Prometheus from such classic tales as "Rock of Ages" or "Prometheus Unbound" and--odds are being that this is a comic book--probably one called "Past Tense," "Future Imperfect," or "Gorilla Warfare."

This issue is called "Prometheus" which is bad news for Midnighter because 80% of the previous issues were called "Midnighter."

Prometheus tells Midnighter his origin story which is a twisted reflection of Batman's origin. Parents gunned down but by the police instead of a mugger. Inherited a lot of crime money and underworld influence instead of less criminal money (depending on how strong your views that capitalism is crime) and societal influence. Prometheus traveled the world to learn everything he could to accomplish his quest to destroy justice just as Bruce Wayne...well, I'm certain you're familiar with that story.

Oh! Oh! I bet his mind programmed their weaknesses too! Like how Batman is...um...he...what is Batman's weakness? Pussy?

That caption was vulgar but it was also a Catwoman joke. If you realized it was a Catwoman joke, you're among friends here! If you were angry at the vulgarity hinting at possible (probable?!) misogyny then you might need to recalibrate the way you view things while reading my commentaries. I'm not as gross as disgusting as you might first think! Sometimes I'm fairly clever! Like how I called Catwoman "pussy"!

I've told this story before but I've written so much bullshit, you might have missed it the first time! When I was a little kid (in single digits, probably!), my cousin Jerry who was four years older than me had Steve Martin's Wild and Crazy Guy album. We used to listen to it in the family room at my grandparents' house while my Grandmother puttered around the kitchen or dining room which connected to the family room. At one point, Steve Martin says, "My girlfriend has the best pussy!" And then he acts disgusted by the crowd's reaction and says, "I was talking about her cat!" I used to laugh hilariously at this bit without ever knowing that pussy meant anything but cat. So, yes, I didn't get the joke and I was still laughing at it. But then Steve Martin is a funny guy! I sometimes wish that I'd asked my grandmother what she thought of that. She never said anything or chastised us which I think was the exactly appropriate reaction. If she had said something about how we shouldn't be listening to it or that it's disgusting, I would have worked out what it was and a little bit of innocence would have died. Instead she let us be kids by realizing we didn't fucking know any better!

If you're skeptical about a small child figuring out what pussy meant simply because a parent might tell him it's gross, listen to this story! In second grade, our class designed paper airplanes and went out to the playground to fly them. Mine kept crashing immediately and so I said, "My plane sucks the big one!" Who knows why I knew that phrase but I did! And my teacher, Ms. Marshall, was shocked! She scolded me for using inappropriate language and made me sit on the bench while the other kids flew their planes. I spent that time putting together what "sucked the big one" could possibly mean. Well, it didn't take long to figure it out. Which also led me to ask my older cousin questions like "People suck those things?! What for?!"

Midnighter fights back and gets the upper hand. It's a good thing there was a full month between the end of the last issue and the beginning of this one so I can forget exactly how beat up Midnighter was. At this point, it seems reasonable that he's in great condition and full strength!

Prometheus decides to debate while fighting because that must be one of the fighting styles of the thirty people he's gone up against. Definitely not Batman though because Batman just says things like "TT" and "hurr". It's probably a villain since they can never shut the fuck up while fighting. As, you know, Prometheus is demonstrating right now.

I don't think Midnighter kills to punish people for killing. I think he both simply likes killing and also likes making innocent victims feel better by learning that the assholes who hurt them got what was coming to them, Midnighter style.

Midnighter shoves a doorknob into Prometheus at one point (not like that, you pervert) simply so he can shout "Door!" He's planning something with his portal technology! Maybe he already opened a tiny door in Prometheus's small intestine and it's leaking shit all up inside Prometheus's chest cavity now! He's making him literally full of shit since he's obviously so figuratively full of it!

Dammit. Now I want that to be what's going on.

Hey dum-dum! You don't think the God Garden has the technology to recover memories from disembodied brains?!

Midnighter smashes Prometheus's skull and turns to walk away. That's when Prometheus pulls out his precious Cosmic Key and teleports to safety. Hmph. Some fight of his life! I mean, it was a fight, sure! But Midnighter was never in any danger! Except maybe of being bored to tears by Prometheus's lousy philosophical arguments!

Later in Oakland, Midnighter's friend Jason gives him the good friend break-up speech. "It's not your fault! They were an asshole! Don't waste your time on garbage like that!" I usually like to give that speech to my friends when they're still super excited about their new relationship! Mostly so I can say "I told you so!" when they inevitably breakup! It was also my Best Man's speech at Doom Bunny's wedding! It might not have been the most appropriate toast I've given.

Oh yeah! In the ruins of the house Prometheus built just to kill Midnighter inside of, Midnighter found an old picture of himself as a young kid. He took it with him because he had a cute plan for it.

That's so sweet! Or is it creepy? Inappropriate, maybe?!

Meanwhile Deadshot raids a Spyral location to recover something called The Perdition Pistol. It may or may not be the thing that shot the Body Snatcher Bullets in the Midnighter Sneak Peek. It probably isn't but I thought I'd remind everybody that I remember things. Sometimes. Deadshot kills a lot of people so it looks like, at least in this comic book, he's back up to snuff. Or whatever.

Midnighter #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book just keeps getting better even though there wasn't any gay sex in this issue. At least, I don't think there was any gay sex in it. Having never had sex--I mean, gay sex, of course!--I wouldn't know it if I saw it! The closest I ever came was when this guy Michael leaned over me topless and asked, "Have you ever been with a man?" I said, "No." He responded with, "Do you want to be?" That's when my life completely changed! I mean, obviously if I had said yes, my life would have been totally different. So when I said no, my life completely changed from the one where I could have been having loads more sex than I'm having now! Stupid un-experimental younger me! Um, buy Midnighter! It's gay-reat! Was that patronizing? I didn't mean for it to come off that way! In my next review of Grayson, I'll end with "He's gre-straight!" That'll make up for my insensitivity!

Cyborg #5

This is demoralizing. I'm not even through the Looney Tunes variants yet!

This must be the last Looney Tunes variant though because Cyborg has been running about a month late. Although I've got another Cyborg in the stack so it really feels like DC has been pushing to all of their titles back on schedule by the end of this month. That's probably why there were two Justice Leagues of America and two Justice Leagues and a couple of Batman Europas and about fifteen DC Bombshells. I'm about two weeks behind before I can get back on a timely schedule where I'm writing about comic books that have just come out. Although, let's face it. Nobody cares about comic books that have just come out. They only care about comic books that are three to six months from coming out. I really should just do reviews of the solicits.

If I remember last issue correctly--and I believe I am remembering it correctly because I'm currently bored--the Technosapiens had invaded Earth and Cyborg, along with the Metal Men, were Earth's last line of defense. Hopefully something exciting will take place this issue or I'm going to have to revive my Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!

The first few pages aren't helping change my mind about how boring this comic book is. Cyborg gets his leg chopped off by Alternate Universe Sarah Charles (unless it was bitten off by the monster that was eating him. But Cyborg blames Sarah so I'm going to go with that rather than what was in the art) and then she teleports him away from Earth. That means it's now up to the Metal Men to stop thinking about the many ways they might convince Superman to fuck them all and to start saving the Earth. Instead they choose to run because they're incompetent.

Really? Really really real?

Over in Alternate Universe Detroit, Cyborg regenerates his leg while say a bunch of stuff I don't understand. But I'm totally impressed by it because I don't understand it so it must be super scientific and totally explains how Cyborg can now regenerate his body. He can also transform it from flesh to metal. So he doesn't actually need to look like a Cyborg anymore, does he? Although his look is currently the most interesting thing about this comic book so it would be a mistake if he decided to look human.

Do not read anything in the following scan if you are operating heavy machinery.

I'm so fucking bored!

Cyborg tries to lighten the mood by throwing in the occasional joke but then he says "Who's joking?" and I scream "No kidding!"

Cyborg throws in a bit of social commentary too but I was yawning too much to care. And then the comic book goes for the kill! It's like it knows that what little interest I had when I began reading this comic book is quickly flagging, so it decides to mesmerize me with some serious repetition.

I should have followed this guy's advice.

Do I have to explain that the KERTHUNK was the Metal Men saving these guys? It's not like that was a twist of Hitchockian proportions. Besides, they seem to be the only heroes left in the DC You. It's also possible that this alien invasion has only affected Detroit which is why the rest of the world hasn't noticed. That's totally believable.

Back on Alternate Universe Earth, Real Sarah Charles pulls Vic aside to tell him a secret. I think she was going to tell him that she's pregnant so that a little drama could be injected into this buzzkill. But instead she points out that she can hear his heartbeat. Which--I'm guessing!--she couldn't hear before. Previous to his discovery that he had regenerative powers, all she could hear was the hum of his disk drive spinning.

As I mentioned in previous commentaries, the romantic relationship between Sarah and Vic really should be front and center. Instead Larry Walker has chosen to highlight yet another alien invasion. I think that alien invasion would be more interesting if it took place as Vic was desperately trying to get laid. Seriously, the first thing you'd figure he'd want to do after regrowing his penis is make use of its secondary function! Unless doing it is its primary function and peeing is the secondary function.

No kidding no kidding no kidding!

I wonder when it will be time for jokes?

Not now! Now is the time to quote an overrated line from They Live!

Cyborg and his new gang of Alternate Universe Misfits teleport back to Earth-You to battle the Techno-Sapiens once and for all. I'm guessing it's the final battle because it's leading into the sixth issue and that's the general length for stretching out stories that probably could have been told in two issues.

Cyborg #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Was I too subtle in my efforts to describe this comic book as boring? It would be a shame if you walked away thinking you should pick up this comic book. I mean, if you've got insomnia and nothing you've tried has worked, I'd recommend giving this book a try. My life is no better or worse from having read this comic book. I might even be more refreshed because I'm certain I just had a dozen micro-naps during this read. Usually when a comic has built up more than one issue in my "To Read" stack, I'd just get them all out of the way at once. But I'm legitimately concerned that if I read Cyborg #6 right now, I could pass out and bang my head on the corner of my desk.