Bombshells #6

Wink, wink!

I'm home tonight instead of driving around making my business thrive because the roads in Portland are currently sheets of ice. Therefore I've decided to work on my second business which is writing unhelpful comic book reviews! And which of my reviews are more unhelpful than my reviews of DC Comics Bombshells?! Practically none of them because in the other ones, I don't spend the majority of the time hoping women will kiss. I mean, I spend my time reading the comic book thinking that, obviously! But I don't write about it as much as I write about it while reading Bombshells!

I have a theory! The main reason guys like lesbian pornography is because we think men are just as disgusting as women think we are! Who wants to watch a man be sexy? It's gross! I can watch a man chop down a tree or swing a golf club or light a cigar and suck the shit out of it but I don't want to see him kissing a woman passionately. When I see that, I just think, "Poor woman!" Actually, men doing things that aren't sex is when men look most sexy. Some people think men in porn are skanky looking dudes but they're not! I bet they look super sexy trying on a tuxedo! It's just that filming a man's bone face while he stares at the woman desperate for a taste of his cock is like farting in the Louvre. I'd explain that analogy further but then why bother using it at all?!

My theory is probably wrong. But I plan on doing experiments to test it! Does Craigslist have a Science Section?

This issue begins with Mera destroying a German sub with a zombie crew. She conscripts a few whales into service on the side of the Allies which seems a bit presumptuous. How does she know they're not in favor of whatever Germany was in favor of. I think it had something to do with a worldwide eugenics program. It might also have had something to do with real estate and paranormal artifacts.

After Mera gets done flirting with the seamen, she meets Starikov and Stargirlikov.

I don't remember why I chose to scan these panels. Mera looked sexier in some earlier panels!

After battling for the requisite number of pages, the women stop and chat. They discover that they're all on the same side and choose to work together to save the world with copious breaks for kissing.

The next story features Batwoman and Catwoman so it will be the sexiest of all three stories. Unless the last story is a Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy romp!

While out blowing up tanks, Batwoman discovers a hideout for swing kids. Those are kids who swing. It's right there in their name. And one of those swing kids is The Huntress. And some of the swing kids are zombies! No wait. The zombies are of the undead German soldier variant so I guess they hate swing music. Batwoman watches The Huntress take a few out with her crossbow guitar and decides she wants to adopt her.

After the war stories are over, will this just morph into a Bombshells Birds of Prey book?

Catwoman and Lex Luthor pull up as Helena mentions she's the leader of the German Youth Resistance. Helena hides in Catwoman's trunk as Batwoman gets in to go have dessert with Lex and Selina. What kind of fancy French dessert is a ménage à trois? It sounds delicious!

Then there's a panel where Batwoman is simply saying "...eee." which means it's totally going to become an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header!

On the way to dessert, Lex shows Batwoman his new toy: kryptonite! I guess that will stop...let's see...doing the math...one of the Bombshells so far! Utterly useless, Lex! That should be Lex's new nickname: Uselex.

There is no third story. There is just a bunch of epilogues to the stories that have been taking place. Supergirl and Stargirl join the Bombshells and change their uniforms so they aren't quite as Soviet looking. Kate Kane misses out on dessert (or is coming back from it, seeing that she's in a new dress) because Brother Night tries to kidnap her. Wonder Woman breaks out of prison and goes on the lamb with Steve Trevor. Harley and Ivy continue their road trip to Germany while creating more Nazi zombies.

And Zatanna flirts with Bunny Constantine.

The Zatanna and Bunny Constantine gets a longer epilogue than the others because it's both sexy and too adorable for words. Especially this panel:

Now I want a bunny so I can teach it to smoke.

DC Comic Bombshells #6 Rating: No change. Overall, the art this issue didn't do much for me. Except for some of the bunny shots of Constantine and Zatanna wishing for Milan. I hated the relationship between Zatanna and Constantine in Justice League Dark but I could get behind this one. Their "will they/won't they" chemistry really works. Unless it only works because I can't stop cooing over the widdle bunny. I'm also cooing over Zatanna's cleavage but in a very different manner. I don't know why so many Bombshells comics have been coming out but I can only assume it's because they had a backlog of them from when it ran digitally and DC has been catching up on all of their late comics in December. It's probably for tax reasons. Isn't everything for tax reasons?

Bombshells #5

"We can do it" is my second favorite phrase uttered by a woman. My first is "I also brought pizza for during!"

Marguerite Sauvage's name is not on the cover of this comic book again which is devastating to my future boner. That wasn't meant to make Marguerite Sauvage uncomfortable! That was to make Bombshell Batwoman and probably anybody reading this uncomfortable! Might I politely ask that if you're a really visual reader whose mind cannot help producing images of everything you read, please be generous with your mind picture of my erection. My fake self-esteem will appreciate it.

The first story in this issue is a Batwoman story and now I'm completely depressed. I simply assumed that Marguerite Sauvage would be doing the art for every chapter in the Batwoman story. Now I have to look at art that might be just fine and perhaps amazing for most people but does nothing for the limpness in my pants. It's too bad, really. When I pick up a comic book called "Bombshells" with a beautiful woman on the cover, I expect a comic book full of the Boob-Butt Showcase and tiny bikinis and undulating things which undulate! And while this may be that along with a message that I'm totally ignoring because it's against my own best interests to make misogynist jokes (no matter how funny I could probably make them!), I'm more than slightly disappointed that it isn't also drawn by Marguerite Sauvage.

I don't know how you pronounce her last name but she surely was called "Miss Sausage" in elementary school on a weekly basis, right? I should know since I had a last name that, while not horrible, was constantly used in sorry and often unoriginal attempts at humor. But my last name is a secret (it is not "Tess Asecret") because this is the internet age and if you really want to figure out who I am, it really wouldn't be that fucking hard. Besides, all you really have to do is send me a message saying, "Hey Tess! I want to send you a gift! What is your address?!" Then I'll be all, "Oh yeah! Awesome! Here's where you can find me if you want to murder me in my sleep! Ha ha!"

Batwoman is currently in Berlin to probably kill Hitler? So am I supposed to assume that the story where she and Italian Catwoman fucked for seventy-two hours straight never happened anywhere except in my Fan Fucktion Diary?

Oh boy! The sex is still going to take place! Naturally I assumed it would take place in Italy because Selina's last name is gibberish pronounced with just the right hint of garlic.

Some people might accidentally think that the above caption was rude and prejudiced. But here's a quick lesson in self-deprecating irreverence. The caption is actually poking fun at me being an American who can only speak English and understands all members of other nations through only one or two stereotypes. So I, as an American, really can't pronounce Selina's last name the way it should be pronounced and I, as an American, really think all Italians have an irrational fear of being attacked by vampires.

Selina's last name is DiGatti which--being a self-certified expert in all languages--I can translate as "Woman who loves petting cats if you know what I mean." Alexander Luthor (some might call him "Alex" or "Xander") owns a self-driving car which the two take to the sex party to meet Selina's nether regions.

Selina wastes no time getting to the sex talk and how she likes her "cats" coiffed. She's a modern woman!

Selina leads Batwoman into the backroom where things get super sexy if you're into resurrection rituals. The demon-infused Joker's Daughter demonstrates that she has the power to animate dead soldiers. It's part of some plan to do something which will lead to other things. It doesn't really make much sense to me but then my mind might already be off playing video games. I guess it's some kind of attempt to help the Nazis win the war quickly so that the rich and powerful can keep their money or something? Maybe it's just supposed to be cool because undead soldiers! Neat!

Meanwhile in the second story, Hal Jordan's fighter plane gets shot out of the sky. Luckily he's not in it because Harley Quinn stole it so she could fly around and sing Christmas carols. I would also try to explain this scene but I can't. Not because my mind is drifting off and thinking about killing noobs (are people who play Call of Duty who are garbage still thought of as noobs? (Are their skills still described as garbage?! (Obviously I need to learn to taunt other players better))) but because Harley Quinn is insane. When the plane blows up, she rides a bomb down to her death. When it doesn't explode and, I guess, lands softly in a greenhouse, every reader puts a hand down their pants because they know what a greenhouse means: it's another potential lesbian sex fiesta!

I'm about ninety percent certain that Poison Ivy is saying, "Would you like to experience the taste of my inner thigh?"

Poison Ivy should think about a different outfit that shows more nipple. Wasn't that ever all the rage in France? It sounds like the kind of clothing that would force me to hear somebody say haute couture.

Poison Ivy tells Harley Quinn all about how she loves to kill Germans and bury them under the greenhouse. It's the kind of speech you usually only tell people you've known since childhood or you're about to kill. Sometimes both. It's possible you'd also reveal secrets like that to the lesbian you're about to lesbian fuck in a double page spread, cross my fingers!

Since Germany has just defeated France, some Nazis come to the door. Harley kills most of them while Poison Ivy gets the getaway truck ready so they can head deep into enemy territory looking for Harley's boyfriend. What they leave behind are a bunch of Nazis raised by Poison Ivy's perfumes and tinctures.

Nazi zombies! Now I really am distracted by thoughts of playing Call of Duty!

The final story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov which is great because it's the story I care least about! All of the other Bombshells are working their way to Berlin where they'll meet up and defeat the Nazis by working together and then proclaiming the war over and celebrating with drinks and German jokes which will become constant reminders to the German people that they allowed this to fucking happen and they should pay for it forever until the end of time, generation upon generation! If you're German in 2015 and you don't feel the appropriate level of embarrassment for your part in what Hitler did, then you're probably a lot like white Americans who don't know anything about history but can tell you the exact number of years since slavery was outlawed. But Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov? They're going to wind up in Berlin helping the allies and then after it's all said and done, they'll be all, "What is our reward, comrades? How about everything east of where I am standing? Good for you? Because we could probably continue warring if you want to say something other than no?"

Okay, maybe Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov won't say that! But unless they defeat General Arkayn, he'll say all of that! Unless this comic book follows history how it actually happened without superheroes and then Russia will wind up owning lots of countries no matter what anybody does. Because let's face it. Everybody was tired of war at that point and Russia was all, "We could go few more rounds."

Starikov and Stargirlikov have refused to follow the orders of Arkayn and now they must rush back home to keep Arkayn from murdering their parents. They return to find soldiers ready to kill their parents if they do not surrender to be used as medical experiments. They have no choice! They cannot stop all of the soldiers from shooting their parents. I guess General Anton Arkayn has won because who could possibly stop this madman?!

Oh yeah! Although shouldn't Swamp Thing have boobs and maybe a pair of knee high heeled boots to make his ass pop?

Kara and Kortni carry their parents away but are attacked by the Night Witches. During the scuffle, their father is captured and tells the girls to take their mother and run. I mean fly! It was important that he said "fly" because they loved to fly and because they are not The Flash who never misses a chance to say something about running.

DC Comics Bombshells #5 Rating: No change. Another month (hell, it's actually only been two weeks, I think?!) where the stories weren't quite up to the quality I was expecting after the first few issues. That doesn't mean it wasn't good! It just means I didn't increase its ranking on the chart! The dialogue in the Stargirl and Supergirl story was top notch and I enjoyed the interaction between Harley and Ivy although it could have been a bit more adult and included a few more happy endings. But the parts I was disappointed in have my expectations to blame! When I pick up a Bombshells comic book, I'm expecting lots and lots of cheesecake pinup shots! Um, surrounded by empowering and feminist dialogue, of course! That part is even more important. Although wouldn't things be more empowering if there were more tongues exploring more orifices? Maybe DC Comics should think about publishing a companion comic book to this one that's printed without dialogue and in which the clothing has been removed from the female characters. It can be called DC Comics Male Gaze (Not To Be Confused With Pretty Much All Of Our Other Comics With Female Leads Especially When Drawn by Tony S. Daniel or David Finch)!

Bombshells #3

Constantine as a rabbit is my favorite DC Bombshell.

As a male comic book blogger, I try to hide my misogynistic tendencies so that people other than just male comic book nerds will like me. But fuck that shit! This is DC Comics Bombshells! Trigger Warning: Imma gonna be talkin' 'bout some titties!

But first let's talk about John Constantine as a cigarette smoking, tie wearing rabbit. Isn't he adorable?! Zatanna looks like an overly filled colostomy bag next to him! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him how much he probably tastes like chicken! He's so freakin' cute! You know what? I take back my trigger warning. Let's talk about bunnies instead!

Mascara Bunnies are some of my new favorite bunnies since I first realized they existed just a few months ago when I encountered them all alone in the dark, closed pet store that I stalk once a month. I mean clean.

My other favorite bunnies are the ones with New Wave Flops and the ones with sideburns. Apparently I would like all of them even better if they wore ties!

Before Bunny Constantine makes an appearance, I guess I have to read the Batwoman story. Not that I'm disappointed about reading the Batwoman story because she's super hot and sexy with cleavage and a short skirt and she once made fun of Ernest Hemingway which people who often want to seem intelligent never want to do but totally should because Hemingway was awful in a lot of ways (mostly in the story telling way!). Imagine if Batwoman were turned into a bunny! I just had a cutegasm! And it wasn't a cute cutegasm either. It was dark and sensual and explosive (because Bombshell Batwoman drawn by Marguerite Sauvage was involved). Currently Batwoman is beating the crap out of somebody with her bat.

I wonder if Kate Kane's father ever told a wealthy landowner that his wife was actually his sister? And then stole all of his wells?

Harper Row drops in to help Batwoman defeat the Jew-hater. I don't actually know if he hates Jewish people so I shouldn't have said that. I should maybe have been more accurate and called him the man who profits from the death of Jewish people. I don't think you have to specifically hate somebody to give them up to a mass murdering government for some quick cash.

By the way, Harper Row is adorable because she's basically the Bill Dozier Batman television series. I wish Batwoman met Harper Row the same way Batman met Harper Row because then I would have seen Batwoman's nipples as Harper hooks them up to car batteries to jump start her heart! I think that was how Harper met Batman. Although if she used electricity on his heart, she must have been knocking it back into rhythm and not bringing him back to life because Flatliners is one of the biggest lies you've ever swallowed.

I realized this weekend the first lie all parents tell their children. It's when they give them a pacifier so the baby thinks it's sucking on a titty. Then the poor little baby sucks and sucks and sucks but doesn't get what it really wants. Parents are jerks. Also, I warned you I was going to talk about titties!

Batwoman leaves her bat behind and tells Harper to keep it. She's practically forcing Harper to become a vigilante!

See?!

Maggie Sawyer and Kate Kane go out to Cobblepot Boardwalk for Kate's last night in town before she flies off with Waller's Task Force XX. They waste a lot of panels that could have been used for titillating possible last sex ever on cotton candy eating and Ferris wheel riding and Milk Bottle breaking. None of those are sexy euphemisms.

One lousy panel?! And it looks like it was lifted from a pornographic Sailor Moon manga which I totally don't own any of at all and if Doom Bunny says otherwise, he's a big fat liar!

Kate goes off to war the next morning and Maggie sits around crying just waiting for her Dear Jane letter.

Kate meets Amanda at the train station where they get on a magic train full of women doing things men do! And probably better, I must say if I want women reading this to say, "Oh! Tess is just trying to make up for his usual sexist crap!" Kate meets her teammates Doctor Light and Big Barda. Waller gives her her mission which is to enter Berlin as a spy and hit Hitler over the head with a baseball bat shouting, "Baseball is better than cricket!" She has to shout that because the Brits also have an operative going after Hitler! Her name is also Batwoman but she uses a cricket bat, of course. The Americans figure if the Brits beat them to it, the attempted assassination will just wind up being unintentional comedy. A cricket bat will never knock out Hitler's brains! For that, a Louisville Slugger is needed!

Kate also finds out about her contact.

Oh yeah. Now that's the Bat/Cat relationship I want to see!

That's the end of the first story which is a pretty good ending because it leaves the reader full of sexy thoughts about the Cat and the Bat giggling together as they write Maggie's Dear Jane letter after fucking.

The second story begins in The Cabaret of The Joker's Daughter. Some of the German soldiers who came to see Zatanna's burlesque show have been chosen to be sacrificed in a magic ritual. The Joker's Daughter sings the English version of the song which the German sang at the beginning of the first episode of this story. But she sings it all wrong because her lyrics are nothing like my translation. She's such a moron.

Zatanna is forced to help with the ritual since she's the one that knows magic. The Joker's Daughter doesn't know magic at all. Hell, she doesn't even know any good jokes. Double hell, she is a joke! At least Ann Nocenti's version of her is. I guess this is a new version so I don't have to hate her with a passionate psychotic rage.

Some creature named Tenebrus the Binder is created from the bodies of the Germans. Tenebrus takes the form of Spider Jerusalem. The Joker's Daughter is given the job of being its handler. Zatanna decides things have gotten out of control and runs back to her dressing room so that the most adorable character in DC Comics' entire history can be spotlighted in one panel.

Oh my god! He's so scruffy! Awww!

The final story this issue isn't about Starrikov and Stargirlikov. It's the sex romp starring Wonder Woman, Mera, and Steve Trevor's penis.

"Penis."

Mera is a total gossip who can't stop pointing out how much Wonder Woman wants to sit on Steve Trevor's mysterious man parts. But Wonder Woman is all, "He is sick! I let all sick people bring me to orgasm with their mouths! It is...um...just something that helps!" But then Mera's Sea Chariot is struck by a shell from a tank and everybody flies into the water! Mera manages to keep Steve Trevor from drowning by shoving his penis in her vagina.

I know! Totally gasp!

Wonder Woman heads inland to check out modern war with her own eyes and it pisses her off. She decides to subdue her enemies rather than kill them because she'll only kill when there is no other way. Mera also does some stuff and she threatens to make me forget all about Batwoman and begin researching local laws against having sex with comic book characters.

Bunny Constantine who?

The Germans surrender and then General Lane comes rolling along in his tank. He recognizes Steve Trevor and realizes that these women are the kinds of women Amanda Waller's lady parts have been engorged over for her Bombshells project. He doesn't seem to have a comment on Mera's dolphins floating in bubbles behind her. If I were Mera, I would have created cute little legs made out of water for them to walk about on land.

DC Comics Bombshells #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad somebody at DC had the sense to turn their Bombshells covers into this particular comic book. Although if it had been left up to the regular decision makers at DC, this comic book would be all tits and ass and little personality. I know in real life most people look for tits and ass over personality (unless you're a woman and then you drop the tits and probably pretend you're into senses of humor and ass) but that would have ruined this comic book. Marguerite Bennett can be completely forgiven for any part she had in the creation of Twat Lobo now that she's brought this into the world. I'm sure she was helped by Marguerite Sauvage and her editiors, Jessica Chen and Jim Chadwick. Whatever and whoever came up with this thing, I just want to thank them because this is a fun comic book that looks amazing and has Constantine as a smoking bunny. Plus it kind of gets me horny and that's always a plus. I meant the lady empowerment turns me on! Not the other stuff that probably titillates the uncouth!