Batman Loves Superman #22

I would complain about Variant Covers ruining the value of my Batman/Superman collection but I think Greg Pak's writing has already done most of the damage.

Currently in Batman Loves Superman: Batman doesn't love Superman! How can he? He hardly even knows him. He just thinks he loves Superman but he really just loves a figment of his imagination. He loves a Superman that the real Superman can never really live up to. What Batman needs to do to forget about Superman (who he doesn't really love but he thinks he does because he's just sexually attracted to him and wants to put his Batboner in Superman's Superbutt) is to go have sex with somebody who thinks they love Batman (like The Joker). Another more difficult way for Batman to learn that he doesn't love Superman is to rush into marrying him and then, over the course of many long, difficult years, truly get to know Superman and discover that he's nothing like the Superman that Batman built him up to be. Then he'll be disappointed with Superman and blame Superman for all of Superman's flaws when really he should be blaming his stupid imagination. Imagine better next time! Like maybe realize that Superman has a mind of his own and he's going to say and do things that you don't agree with and that isn't something to be angry about because Superman deserves to be a fully fleshed out human being with his own thoughts and desires and dreams. It doesn't make him a bad person just because he didn't turn out to be an acquiescent fuckbot; it just makes him a human being! I mean an alien!

The issue begins with Commissioner Batman thinking Superman is a clown. He also says Superman came to Gotham to pick a fight with him when he just determined last issue (with the help of Lex Luthor) that it was Commissioner Batman who attacked Superman. I'm glad Pak opened with this scene because now I know what Pak thinks of Jim Gordon. He thinks Jim Gordon is an asshole. Although it seems to be DC Comics' policy that Superman and Batman fight as often as possible for some reason. I guess it helps build drama and tension for stupid, unthinking readers.

Commissioner Gordon tells Superman he's under arrest again because that's the best opening gambit for a police officer. It doesn't matter if a cop actually has a reason to arrest you. If they tell you that you're under arrest and you argue with them because they have no reason to be arresting you then they can arrest you for resisting arrest. Fucking douchebags.

Superman and Commissioner Batman don't actually get into a fight because Superman is there to talk. That's a novelty! Instead of fighting, they have an idiotic conversation. Man, now I wish they'd decided to punch each other to death.

Isn't that every man always?!

The rest of the conversation goes like this:

Commissioner Batman: "I can't trust you!"
Superman: "I can't trust you!"
Commissioner Batman: "You're a liar!"
Superman: "You're a liar!"
Commissioner Batman: "I'm not going to work with you!"
Superman: "You have to work with me! Both of our trademarked names are on the cover!"
Commissioner Batman: "Okay, fine! But I won't like it!"

You are still Superman. You might use your microscopic vision to look at his prints and save them in your super-memory for later when you'll draw them up and check them against a national database!

Superman and Commissioner Batman learn of a break-in occurring beneath a Wayne Industries warehouse. It's the warehouse where Lucius Fox works because he isn't allowed to work in an office. He acts like it's cool and he enjoys it because it keeps him out of office politics and drama but really he's sad because he knows he's been ostracized to a far corner of the company. But it's a good thing it's Lucius Fox's warehouse because he has some information for Superman and Commissioner Batman: the culprit behind the attacks on Superman and Wayne Industries is an organization called Dawn Command!

Dawn Command is after the miniature sun housed in the Wayne Industries Warehouse because that's a thing now. STAR Labs accidentally created a miniature sun. They were all, "Let's do an experiment that doesn't involve fusion at all! La dee da da da! Whoops! We created a fusion generator by accident! We'd better turn it over to Wayne Industries because we don't know what to do with it!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman have another childlike exchange of words before Ukur, Beastlord of Subterranea, breaks through the ground and attacks. Of course it's Ukur the Beastlord! It was either him or Xa-du or Hiro the Toymaster or Mongul!

Commissioner Batman goes to battle Ukur with a wrench. But he's knocked down so then Superman goes to battle Ukur with the wrench. Then Commissioner Batman thinks, "He's crazy! Battling that monster with a wrench!"

Hey, Syaf! You know you can draw anything from your imagination, right? That wrench Lucius is currently holding doesn't have to be the only weapon in the warehouse.

Superman and Commissioner Batman continue to do exactly the wrong thing so that they continue to distrust each other. Plus Commissioner Batman pisses off Ukur just as Superman is about to save the world. Ukur rushes back underground declaring that he now has a real reason to destroy the surface people so now his plans that were already in motion to destroy the surface people is justified! Superman follows Ukur underground while Commissioner Batman hangs back kicking pebbles and thinking, "I messed up. Boo hoo. I thought I was in the right and that made me a special kind of mad!"

Batman Loves Superman #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't like any of the Superman titles right now. There are reviewers out there who do like them but those reviewers are awful at their job. But I'm not a reviewer so I can shit on any book I read. I don't have to worry that DC Comics might never use one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks if I piss them off. I mostly don't have to worry about DC never using one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks because the blurbs I come up with are awful. "Batman Loves Superman is the kind of comic book that makes you wish nobody had ever invented comic books! The interactions between Superman and Batman are the most realistic portrayals of two petulant eight year olds fighting over who gets to use the kickball at recess. Come on, DC Comics! Notice me! I need to feel like a big shot!"

New Suicide Squad #10

Killed by camels. Worst Squad ever.

I haven't pretended to do anything exciting lately so I'll just get on with reading the comic book.

Oh wait! I have one thing I want to mention! The clerk at one of the stores on my floor cleaning route last night is new. I thought I recognized his name--Dolfin--from way back in October and asked him if he began working at the 7-11 then. He said he wasn't even in the country in October. So I asked him where he was from and he said, "Ethiopia. It's a country in Africa." Thanks for embarrassing me, Americans! This guy thinks I don't know where Ethiopia is because you're all stupid jerks who can't bother to learn Geography! Of course I know where Ethiopia is! Rock stars saved it from starvation in the eighties with "We Are the World" and Michael Bread! After that video came out, nothing bad ever happened in Africa ever again.

Oh, I'm sorry for jumping all over you, Americans. It's not your fault our educational system is Eurocentric and we never actually learn anything about the individual countries of Africa. Is it our fault that we're taught to think of Africa as a continent and not as a whole bunch of nations as individualized and different from each other as the nations of Europe? Maybe if a World War had erupted there instead of just being the backdrop for some exciting tank battles we'd actually be taught something about the place.

This is a map of Africa based on my entire public education. I didn't include Ethiopia because I learned about it from MTV.

The issue begins with the Squad's League guide showing them around The League's school because even for a terrorist organization, education is important. Why is education so undervalued in America? I think it's because you don't have to be smart to get rich in a capitalist democracy. You simply need to be unethical, ruthless, and driven to make money at any cost. How does knowing a place called "Mauritania" exists help put dollars in my pocket?! Unless, you know, I can manipulate the people of Mauritania for my own ends. Can I do that?

Captain Boomerang is all, "But what does anybody do for fun around here?!"

Ugh. Work and extreme dedication are the worst.

Captain Boomerang (who is probably just Boomerang now but since that's a Marvel character, I'll keep referring to him as Captain Boomerang) gets his head slammed into the ground for daring to care about leisure activities and speaking flippantly. I would not fit into this League place at all!

I wish Captain Boomerang were not Australian but American so I could identify with him!

Meanwhile the Extraction Team is hanging out in the desert engaging in tomfoolery. Harley keeps shooting Parasite with rocket propelled grenades. Reverse-Flash is worried that it might attract undue attention but he doesn't seem to care that every time he runs at super speed he causes a sandstorm. You don't think anybody is going to notice that, Daniel? Reverse-Flash is Daniel West, right? It's so confusing having a Professor Zoom and a Reverse-Flash!

Last issue I was beginning to turn around on Sean Ryan writing this book. By this exchange, I'm completely on board.

Sean Ryan has found his mojo (unless it's his groove) on this title. Before Convergence, it was just a showcase for a bunch of high profile DC Characters. They were just names on the page to pull in readers. After Conversion, Sean Ryan is treating the super villains like people. He seems to have figured out the voices he wants to give to each of them and he's doing the best job I've seen on the Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. If he can keep up what he's been doing for the last issue and a half (minus the first three or four pages of last issue!), this comic might become a contender for my favorite DC comic book. And that's not an easy task to accomplish. I just wanted to get some actual review soundbites out of the way before slipping back into making fun of the comic book. Y'all often seem overly concerned when you can't tell if I actually like a book or not so now you know where I stand on the New Suicide Squad as of Issue #9.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage charms Amanda's assistant Bonnie into giving him a tour of the place. That jerk is working for Checkmate, isn't he?! Spy! Spy!

This is the scene where, if I were in the audience and it were taking place in front of me on stage, I would turn to my football player buddy and we'd high five as if we had something to do with it.

The Squad's first mission with The League (and hopefully their only mission since they should learn about The League weapons which is the first bullet point of the mission. After that, Bullet Point #2 is "kill lots of The League as you turn in your two week notice") will be to destroy a factory that is trying to synthesize Lazarus Pits. Because, as Tomorrow Thief puts it, "man was meant to die." Exactly! That's why the original incarnation of the Suicide Squad was so awful with Amanda's Lazarus Protocol in which she kept all of the Squad members alive. What a stupid plot point that was! Hopefully the Squad resists taking the factory for themselves! This team is packed full of heroes that aren't going to die, so it's probably tempting to throw in another resurrection device so that high profile members can be killed. But that really screws with the tension of the series and is the worst place a writer can go with it. I'm hoping this League guy's speech is simply Sean Ryan's way of emphasizing how idiotic the Lazarus idea was.

Boomer doesn't even want to go on the mission. He figures they saw the armory and that's good enough to tick the box on Bullet Point #1. But Black Manta wants to stay for the mission to find out as much as they can. But Boomer's all, "You heard they don't have weekends, right?!" And Black Manta is all, "I hate weekends! Aquaman loves weekends!" Boomer walks out to get some air while Deadshot sits around avoiding taking sides. Although he really can't take Black Manta's side since Black Manta seems to be falling in love with The League's ideals.

Later that night, Black Manta goes out on curfew patrol with the League Liaison (who might be Tomorrow Thief still but since I don't totally remember what he looks like and his name hasn't been mentioned in the comic, I just keep referring to him as their guide or liaison). They go to investigate the sounds of fun near the children's dorm and find Digger playing soccer with the kids. Captain Boomerang really never knows when to not poke authority. If Waller was never able to fully tame him, how is The League going to? They're probably only 15% as scary as Amanda Waller.

Digger is like Ozzy Osbourne and Socrates!

New Suicide Squad #10 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know what happened to Sean Ryan during Convergence but it must have been magical because he somehow returned with a Suicide Squad I don't think I've seen for many years. The characters all have distinctive voices now. Ryan's treating them as people and not costumes which is exactly how these characters need to be written. This book is not supposed to be about the flashy, popular characters. It's about severely broken people trying desperately to find something to live and fight for. Plus sometimes it's just about a few crazy criminals thrown on the team by Amanda Waller as fodder so the title actually means something. I truly hope this book can continue at this level (or better! Getting even better would be better!) but I hope Sean Ryan has found his center on this thing and has fallen in love with the characters he's writing. I would cross my fingers but I'll probably need them uncrossed to masturbate later.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2

It's a fart joke! With mimes! In France! Sublime!

Last issue, Roy Harper and Jason Todd accepted a job with Tara Battleworth. She works for the government or something. She's less a character and more a means to introduce new plots to the comic book. Red Hood and Arsenal can't be seen as anti-heroes anymore. They need to be accepted into the mainstream. But since Red Hood uses guns and guns kill people (or people with guns kill people which is just the douchebaggy way of saying guns kill people), Red Hood needs to be working for the law in order for his killing to be within the acceptable parameters of legalized murder. He's just a soldier and soldiers aren't responsible for the people they kill, right?

Anyway, Jason and Roy are now legit! They're likeable even! I mean, if you love Narration Box after Narration Box of them thinking things to themselves and then clarifying their thoughts to themselves and then explaining the clarifications of their thoughts to themselves. It's super hilarious and really helps the reader get into the mind of the characters. And the pictures are to get into the pants of the characters.

I want to argue about the Batcave not having a shower but I think it's the "steaming hot" that makes his statement true. Obviously Batman only takes cold showers.

Jason Todd uses some seriously lathery crotch cream! Maybe that's his shaving lotion? The entire lower half of his body must be covered in hair.

Roy Harper helps dry Jason Todd off with his napalm flame thrower. It's so cute and fun-loving! These two scamps!

The blurb introducing the characters states that Roy Harper was "laid low by his addiction to alcohol." That's too bad. I liked it better when he had an addiction to heroin. But I think the Reboot softened him up so that he only managed to be an alcoholic and not a trainspotter. Is that what you call somebody addicted to heroin? If not, why was that movie called Trainspotting?! Maybe they mentioned it in the movie but since they were speaking a foreign language most of the time, I must have missed it!

I want to say the comic book is better and more understandable if you ignore the Narration Boxes. But I can't because what the hell are they talking about?! How does Roy go from "teflon body spray" to "practically famous"?

When Jason Todd narrates "Look at this place: he's never going to grow up," I look at the place. It looks like a well-organized garage or workshop. You know who I think of when I see something like that? Adults! Particularly adult men but then I was born in 1971 and women weren't allowed in garages or workshops until around the time Danica Patrick began driving race cars.

The rest of the Narration Boxes just prove that Scott Lobdell doesn't remember anything except the sentence he's currently writing. I believe you let Roy Harper talk you into all of those things because you leave all the decision to Roy Harper, Jason Todd! Duh!

Oh hey! Here's more proof that Lobdell doesn't pay attention to anything he writes! Jason and Roy head over to ask Tara Battleworth for a job (because they don't have it yet! That bit at the end of the first issue was a sneak peek into the future) but she's rescinding her offer.

Oh really? She didn't know they were outlaws in their first encounter?

I guess the Interpol file only had good things to say about them?

Wait wait! It only gets better! Here's the moment she actually offers them a job with her:

She knows they're outlaws! She didn't need to do any more research!

I know Scott Lobdell/Red Hood/Arsenal fans will be able to do the logical contortions to explain away (or just completely ignore) little things like this. Plus I think DC's penchant for "fixing" comic books when they go to trade will take care of some of this as well. I have a feeling Lobdell continues to remain lazy in his writing because it can all be fixed up later in the trades. And these really are nitpicky things because I love to nitpick. But every bit like this builds a case to show how much a writer cares about what he's writing. To me this is just more proof (along with many more examples which can be found in the last few years of my commentaries) that Lobdell doesn't give a shit.

Back to the comic book, Roy mentions how "outlaw" fails to account for any nuance. Well, you're the one who decided to call your little outfit the Outlaws! And, might I add, I'm the one who pointed out that y'all never referred to yourselves as "outlaws" for most of the run of the comic until you suddenly began mentioning how you did call yourself "outlaws" and now it would seem to work better if you'd just kept from calling yourselves that, right? Ah, forget it! I keep trying to not be distracted by these little things and just comment on the story and characters but I can't help it! I have a compulsive need to find inconsistencies in Lobdell's work! So much so that I almost always try too hard in one or two places (like this outlaw thing!) and that always leaves me open to criticism of my criticism on that one stupid point I couldn't help making! But nobody ever goes over every point I bring up because 95% of them are unarguable!

Tara Battleworth offers to give Roy and Jason an audition. But she doesn't know their real names which seems odd since they're in her office without any kind of disguises. I guess she doesn't know you can use the "internet" to find matches of pictures of people? And that's just a tool available to anybody! She's a high powered Washington DC something or other with access to lots of secret technology! Plus she mentions how she must know everything! And after all that, Jason Todd still Narration Boxes, "I can't tell if she's bluffing. Tara Battleworth is that good." Of course she's bluffing! You're in her office out of costume! She knew who you were as soon as her cameras saw you!

Oh wait! I'm forgetting that Roy Harper is a technological genius! I'm sure he's equipped them both with some kind of Spyral face altering techno-doodad.

Now remember, kids: Tara Battleworth is that good! That's truly some of the best organic character building I've ever seen!

Hey! Let's get back to that evicted thing! Remember how they were evicted between the time they got a briefcase full of money and their battle with mimes in France (which they haven't gotten to but it'll be important in a second!)? The first issue ended with Roy and Jason battling mimes on the Eiffel Tower with a caption that said "One Week Later." I guess that means Roy invited Jason to live with him after not having paid rent for a few months. And I guess he forgot about rent after getting that briefcase full of money and spending it on a napalm gun and teflon shower gel. I guess Roy really hasn't grown up at all, has he?

"It's a thing I do for my sobriety! I buy some junk on the street, cook it up, tie myself off, and don't shoot up! Totally normal!"

The "audition" in Paris is a simple flash drive recovery from some diplomat or something. It's so easy that Red Hood and Arsenal decide to beat up a bunch of terrorists and arms dealers while they wait for the diplomat to get off of work. Tara doesn't like it.

No, they don't work for you! Not yet! This is an audition! Maybe your clients should be less concerned with why they haven't done the job yet and more concerned why you sent two untrained, untested, unloyal loose cannons on their job?

One note on the arist, Paolo Pantalena: he's trying too hard to be Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody should try to emulate Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody.

Then there's this scene over dinner in the Eiffel Tower where the Mime Swarm attacks and it makes me think this: Holy fucking shit I hate this comic book.

This comic book is less cute and clever than it thinks it is. It's more like when you start up your lawn mower and you inexplicably turn it on its side and then you get down on your hands and knees and you slowly stick out your tongue and stick it into the blades?

Red Hood and Arsenal defeat the Mimes and the guy controlling the Nanobot Mimes (always nanobots!) with his mind. But two of the mimes are saved from oblivion by Tara Battleworth. I think. I'm sure they'll become evil versions of Red Hood and Arsenal later. In the meantime, I guess Red Hood and Arsenal set up a website where people can hire them? Or maybe they're still accepting jobs from Tara Battleworth? Or...well, whatever the source, they accept a job in Detroit via the Internet. Then they say some more things that aren't funny.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really went into this issue hoping I could just read it and comment on the story without picking it apart but that failed. It always fails. It isn't totally my fault! It takes two to fail! I blame Scott Lobdell's writing as much as I blame my horribly cynical need to tear everything apart. But then what did I expect from a comic book that put a fart joke on the cover?

Catwoman #42

Why have all of my Catwoman covers been so silly lately?

I think Genevieve Valentine could write a really great Catwoman story. I wish DC Comics would put her on Catwoman!

This comic book is still suffering in much the same way Green Arrow suffered for so long. Both comics were written terribly by different writers for years. But then Green Arrow turned around when Jeff Lemire took over. It was written much better but it still didn't feel like a Green Arrow comic book. And now Catwoman is finally being written well but it's just not a Catwoman comic book. I suppose I could look at it as some kind of Catwoman Year One book. Maybe she grew up in the periphery of Gotham Mafia life while toying with being a super villain burglar by the name of Catwoman. Forget all the Nocenti "adventures" she had. Let's pretend she only had a few major capers, just enough to have built a bit of a relationship with Bruce. Perhaps we can forget about Winick's Catwoman #1 where Batman and Catwoman fuck because that really didn't go anywhere, right? So Bruce and Selina have enough of a flirtation going on that Selina now wants to hunt down Batman who has supposedly died. Her Gotham Mafia life she wasn't really interested in and was only thrust into when Rex found himself in prison is really beginning to fall apart due to her personal conflict with Black Mask. What better time then to don the Catwoman suit for good and truly become the Catwoman DC fans are hungry for? After this Gotham Mafia story arc ends, it will have built a history for Selina and built a better, fleshed out world for her individual adventures. We can understand better where she fits into the criminal underworld of Gotham City. Valentine has already set up a beautiful character sketch of Selina and her philosophy and morals. We have seen how she wants to help Gotham as much as Batman does but with a different set of tools and a vaguer sense of morality. Seen this way, I can truly appreciate what Valentine is doing. Right now, she's building up Catwoman's foundation and the framework of her life. With the disappearance of Batman as a catalyst, perhaps we're finally going to get some sheet rock put up so it really begins to look like the house we want Catwoman to live in.

That was such a bullshit strained metaphor! I'm such a terrible person for having written it! That's what happens when I write stuff that I truly believe instead of spewing my usual gobbledygook which I forget about as soon as I'm on to the next paragraph.

Keyes and Alvarez are still in this comic book doing mediocre police work.

Selina is too busy trying to get the crime families loyal to the Calabreses to accept the Falcones back into their fold to look for Batman. She'd better hurry though before he marries his new boss Mrs. Madison. I have a feeling Selina is going to discover Bruce's secret identity in her search for Batman. That'll help bring the two closer together.

If DC were smart, they'd allow Batman and Catwoman to trust and care for each other. It would be a much better relationship than Batman constantly lecturing her on her methods of helping Gotham. Let them have a relationship where they help and support each other even if they know that they can't completely commit to each other because of their love of the city and their need to keep it safe. Then DC gets the best of both worlds. You keep them at a distance so they're always in that tantalizing will they/won't they relationship and you get them actually caring about each other instead of being dicks to each other! It's not hard, DC Comics.

Selina is still meeting with The Penguin in secret as they try to figure out a way to bring down Black Mask without causing a gang war. Black Mask doesn't seem to care as much for subtlety. A Hasigawa assassin tries to murder The Penguin but Selina saves Oswald's life. Penguin kills the assassin so Black Mask will be none the wiser as to Cobblepot and Kyle's relationship. Of course he suspects it exists which is why the assassination attempt, I'd imagine. But even if Black Mask doesn't trust Penguin and his Forster Lane Crime Family, he can't act like he doesn't. This Mafia Crime stuff is so complicated!

Except it gets more complicated because the assassin was after Selina which, it's possible, The Penguin knew. Selina also doesn't fully trust Cobblepot with good reason. His loyalties kick in precisely at the moment he can see who will win. Until then, that bird is going to ride both trains to Winningtown.

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with my metaphor machine?! I think it's on the fritz because my head is overheating trying to pretend that I understand all of this underhanded Mafia business!

How about I forget about all the intrigue and concentrate on Catwoman's search for Batman? That's something I can understand!

She's under the sofa! Up in the springs!

Catwoman decides to search Bill Turner's place and runs into Spoiler who seems to be after Turner's Bat-Records too. Spoiler is a bit lost now that Batman is dead and her father is dead and Harper doesn't have her own comic book title. Spoiler thinks Catwoman needs a sidekick so she attacks Catwoman to prove her worth. But Spoiler isn't worth much yet so Catwoman just knocks her down, gives her some lousy advice, and leaves.

After the Spoiler spanking, Catwoman finishes her search of Turner's residence and finds a key hidden on the outside of the building where only Bats could find it. So she's on to something! Probably Batman's secret identity!

And then Catwoman offers to help train Spoiler. But not Catwoman Catwoman! Eiko Catwoman! That must mean she's going to get her own comic book soon and it will probably be called Catwoman Loves Spoiler.

Catwoman #42 Rating: +1 Ranking. Selina is moving further away from the Crime Family Business in small increments every issue. She spent much more time in the Catwoman suit this issue at the expense of leading the family. Antonia had to head up some a meeting of the crime families to figure out what to do with the Falcones and it seems she squared it all away. She can handle leading! Great! Now Selina can slowly let Antonia and Ward completely take over, right?

I have one last question: What is this a drawing of and why did this artist show it to The Penguin? Is it supposed to be Spoiler? Does this mean Penguin has people spying on Catwoman? Or is it something entirely different that I'm too stupid and confused to figure out?

Constantine the Hellblazer #2

I hate when I write I hate when this happens jokes.

Last issue we learned that John Constantine will do it with anything. And I don't mean males and females. I mean demons and small business owners. Ugh, can you imagine the after-doing-it conversations with either of those? "Souls are so easy to come by in this day and age that they've lost all value!" "Satan is such a gropey jerk!" "I can't afford health insurance!"

Do people have conversations with each other after doing it? I imagine I'd be too embarrassed to even acknowledge the other person's existence afterward. I would probably lie there with my eyes shut really tightly thinking, "Go away! Go away! Go away! Don't rate my performance! Please go away and never speak to me again!" I bet that's what everybody does after doing it, right?

This issue begins with Constantine drinking alone in his apartment full of ghosts. He's got a copy of the Kama Sutra and a poster of Black Canary's band on the floor. Does every character in the DCyou have to own a Black Canary poster now? And the Kama Sutra? Has anybody ever read Richard F. Burton's translation of that thing? Here's an excerpt for you:

The following women are not to be enjoyed: a leper; a lunatic; a woman turned out of caste; a woman who reveals secrets; a woman who publicly expresses desire for sexual intercourse; a woman who is extremely white; a woman who is extremely black; a bad-smelling woman; a woman who is a near relation; a woman who is a female friend; a woman who leads the life of an ascetic; and, lastly the wife of a relation, of a friend, of a learned Brahman, and of the king.

I thought the book was supposed to tell me how to have lots and lots of crazy sex! But instead it's limiting me to sex with a young, mute, slightly tanned stranger that has just taken a bath and doesn’t want to have sex with me! I guess that's why John does it with demons and small business owners.

One of John's ghost acquaintances named Frank recently died again. Meaning he died as a ghost. Meaning he doesn't exist anymore at all. The other ghosts don't want to complete their dying experience like poor Frank so they're hoping John can keep them in this state of Limbo where they get to retain some sense of self. John's idea is to become a ghostbusterbuster. He ain't afraid of no ghost's buster! But the ghosts are so they abandon him. So now John has to take the reader on a tour of the haunted places of New York tracking down more ghosts so he can use them as bait to capture the ghostbuster.

His stroll eventually leads him to this guy who is sure to be a minor character throughout the length of this series. At least he'd better be!

Mister Rumor leads John to a nice juicy paranormal Whole Foods where he finally collects enough power and souls to summon the Ghostbuster (I finally feel it's real enough for a capital letter although maybe it needs a name that won't get me sued?). John being John (which is a statement that makes more sense than it would seem), he approaches the task at hand in an off-hand, arrogant, and leisurely manner. Then he almost craps his pants when the Ghostbuster appears.

It's goal is to destroy all of the cute little haunted New England Bed and Breakfasts. Which is fine by me! Hopefully it destroys the non-haunted ones too.

The Ghostbuster busts Gaz and then leaves. But it doesn't bust him instantly. No, it allows him a few seconds to chastise Constantine for being nothing but an echo of his former human self. Which echoes Constantine's earlier bit about the ghosts being echoes of their living selves. See? It's showing how John has lost more humanity than the ghosts have lost. That must be why ghosts like to hang out with him. They don't realize he's not one of them.

John realizes he can't do this one on his own which Gaz tried to tell him but Constantine was too arrogant to listen. Now he has to go back to London to meet up with somebody named Georgie who just might have the knowledge needed to defeat the Ghostbuster.

Constantine the Hellblazer #2 Rating: No change. This book may not have the promise of unedited swears and nudity like the old Vertigo book but it does manage to have lots of edited swears and the occasional ass! So that's promising, right? What it also has is the feel of Hellblazer. This is Constantine in Constantine's world as opposed to some smoking guy who knows magic mucking about with super heroes. This is John exploring and explaining his world instead of just spouting the name of some ancient spell and explaining how it's super dangerous to cast. This Constantine has heft and density. It's viscous and meaty. The other Constantine was cotton candy. There's a lot of Narration Boxing but it works since John really needs to be the reader's tour guide. This issue builds the backdrop of New York for Constantine's journey. It doesn't rush. It just takes one step in front of the other until the reader has a better idea of the hauntedness of John's adopted city. Hopefully it just continues to build this world with more people in it like Mister Rumor.

Starfire #2

Remember back in the 80s when this comic book was called Perfect Strangers?

Sometimes I watch bad movies. Sometimes I watch really bad movies. And then sometimes I watch a movie which is a softcore porn for the first forty minutes and then it's a horribly amateurish horror movie in the last forty minutes. That movie really confused my boner! It was all, "This is great! I wonder how much they had to pay those strippers per hour to be in their amateur movie?! Did they have to let them in the actor's union? Wow! Look at all the naked stuff everywhere!" And then my boner was all, "What is happening?! Do those two women not know how to unbutton their pants?! Why do their bras look like full shirts?! Where are all the boobies and other girly parts that I couldn't really make out very well but I'm pretty sure I saw them so that means we're not virgins anymore, right?!" And I was all, "Oh boner! What did I do!? Why did I squander my good times hoping for the next really good nude scene just to run out of nude scenes and now I have to watch forty minutes of really bad acting?!" And then my boner was all, "We're rating The Slaughterhouse Massacre five stars, right?" And I was all, "Are you stupid? We can't encourage anybody else to watch it! It already has too many stars at two!" And my boner was all, "I'm not a boner anymore so why are you still talking to me? Can we just pee now?"

I should write plays. I bet I would be as successful as Samuel Beckett.

When we last left Starfire, she was parsing an idiom literally and it was totally hilarious. After that, she tried to put a penis in her mouth but her best friend Sheriff Gomez was all, "That is an inappropriate thing to do while me and that penis's grandmother are standing right here." Then a hurricane hit and I don't think it was natural at all! But then the comic book ran out of pages. So I purchased this issue to find out how the hurricane story ends!

Apparently I spent all month wondering which rascally villain was behind the hurricane and it looks like it's just a normal hurricane. Is this comic book just going to be about Balki Starfire trying to fit in in a somewhat normal community? Who is she going to blast with starbolts besides the guys who hit on her incessantly?

Starfire delivers her depravity interest and his grandmother to the hurricane shelter and then goes back into the storm to rescue the old woman's parrot.

Ha ha! That sign said "Lookout" on it!

Starfire's depravity interest goes back inside and says, "Well, Grandma, looks like Kori and your parrot are dead." But she's not! He just doesn't know how invulnerable she is yet.

Kori is knocked into the home of a gay guy in a bathtub. I know he's gay because he has two pugs. That's a dead giveaway! Plus she needs a best friend who is gay. There is absolutely no other possible friend combination for Starfire. She has a responsible single woman friend and now she will have the gay male friend and she already has the handyman that fixes up her leaks, if you get my drift. Once again, I hope that was a drift!

Meanwhile Starfire's best friend's brother Sol who will be Starfire's long term depravity interest (the handyman is just around for short, desperately needed, spur of the moment depravities) is risking going out to sea in the hurricane to save some honeymooners stuck in their sailboat. He's a true hero because he doesn't have any super powers. Plus he might have a bit of a death wish since his wife died in a hurricane two years ago. Sol's coworker can't stop him so he decides to call Sol's sister and make her worry about her brother even though there's nothing that she can do. I guess she can call her best friend to help since her best friend has super powers. But Gabe the Coworker doesn't know that so he's really just calling to worry her. Jerko.

Stella picks up Starfire so that her brother can fall in love again.

Meanwhile at the trailer park...

Wow. Key West is stranger than I realized.

Sol Gomez rescues the honeymooners at sea but then his boat capsizes. But don't worry! Starfire finds them. But she can only carry two people at once so she rescues the honeymooners. But don't worry! Sol is destined to fall in love with Starfire! He has plot immunity from drowning! Even if Starfire gets distracted by that big creature that doesn't like her smell (although I bet she smells super nice. Like coconuts and bananas! I bet that's what women's skin smells like! Coconuts, bananas, and fear). Then she'll go back for Sol but he'll be gone and everybody will think he drowned but then he'll appear and be all, "Why does everybody look so sad?" And Starfire will be all, "What is 'sosad'?" And everyone will laugh at Starfire's confusion instead of helping her with her English.

Or Starfire will save his life. Somebody always falls in love when that happens!

Now Starfire will be told to give him mouth to mouth and she'll be all, "But that is kissing. I gave mouth to mouth to the handyman earlier. Is this a trick to get me to kiss this corpse?"

Or she'll do it on her own initiative. I think maybe Roy Harper already tricked her with the kissing him to do mouth to mouth thing. At least she learned something useful from Roy and Jason.

Can movies and television and comic books please stop using the "mouth to mouth" scene as a means to establish romance? It's really creating a No-Homo Life Saving Culture where insecure men are afraid to give mouth to mouth to other men. I bet at least two to three men die every year from not receiving mouth to mouth quickly enough due to scenes like these!

And by "partnered," she means "depraved myself"!

After all of the excitement, Kori discovers that her trailer was destroyed so she can't live in the trailer park with Handyman Eye Candy anymore. But she does get invited to live over the garage at Stella and her brother's house! First they have to find a place to dump all of Sol's wife's useless garbage being stored in the apartment. But after all that stuff is burned, Starfire will have a new home! Yay!

Starfire #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was still exactly what I think people were expecting when they picked up this series but a little less of the kind of annoying stuff and a lot more of the building a world I'm completely interested in stuff. The annoying stuff was how easily Starfire was confused by everything. I'm one of the few people who didn't find Balki hilarious and sexy which is why I wasn't into that. But in this issue, it was toned down to the level of that Israeli woman from NCIS who may or may not still be on the show since I don't watch it anymore. It's still an old joke but at much better, lower levels this issue. And of course the art is spectacularly gorgeous. And by art I mean Starfire's butt (also her other parts. And everything else too, I guess). Who wants to practice mouth to mouth with me now?!

Earth 2: Society #2

Not only are the characters of Society living in Macross City, they're all beginning to resemble Robotech characters.

This issue is from Terry Sloan's point of view. He begins with the following thought: "To create, one must destroy." I guess that's true. To create a turd, I often have to destroy a bathroom. So, philosophically, the statement holds up. Besides, people wouldn't keep repeating it if it wasn't true, would they? It seems like a quote that a selfish jerk would say to rationalize kicking over somebody else's sand castle so that they can build their sand castle in the exact same location. It's an old saying so I think it should be changed to reflect modern times. I submit this quote: "If anybody is creative, we must destroy them!" It's almost certainly the motto of this blog!

Everybody is after Terry Sloan because he's an arrogant jerko genius which obviously makes him the bad guy. Smart people always have ulterior motives. Dumb people do too but nobody worries about dumb people coming up with a workable plan to successfully satisfy their darkest desires. Dumb people are also too busy pointing out how smart people lack common sense with devastating arguments like, "Smart people lack common sense." They never offer any proof because, like that destroying and creating quote, it just seems to be true by dint of so many people repeating it. Plus it consoles dumb people to constantly repeat it. I say it no less than five times per day. I mean, it just makes common sense that smart people don't have any common sense.

Hell, I'm dumb and I don't have any common sense! I just picked up a dusty toothpick, wiped it off with my horribly dirty fingers, and then stuck it between my teeth! I probably just implanted some bacteria that are going to travel straight to my brain and murder me! Man, why did I do that?! This is more upsetting and troubling than that time I had sex with a hooker without a condom! I suppose the heroin I shot up in the used needle caused me to make some bad decisions that night.

Speaking of horrible decisions. Yeesh, Flash.

Terry Sloan is busy prepping to terraform the planet. I'm not sure how he got his hands on Bruce's cube with the backup drive of Earth-2 but he's planning on sticking it in his Genesis Machine and bringing back Earth-2. He says, "It will terraform this plane--destroying all native life and replacing it with home." That's why he has to destroy to create! The only problem with this statement is that this planet has no native life. The "native life" of this planet came out of Alan Scott's imagination! What Terry Sloan is doing is the equivalent of tagging over another street artist's creation. That ain't cool, dude. No wonder Green Lantern is so angry.

Sloan has nearly the same flashback Grayson had last issue but with a few differing details. Sloan crashed the other ships on purpose to save them from whatever began attacking the ships upon orbital entry. That attacker was a traitor from within the ship! Which means it was probably Terry Sloan. But for now, let's pretend he's not an evil mastermind and just a victim. Who could possibly have betrayed the Twofers?! I mean besides Terry Sloan! We're trying to think outside of the typical comic book box where the genius is the bad guy and everything that happens is part of the genius's plan! Oh! I bet the real traitor is some other genius!

Terry Sloan remembers back to that day when everybody on board all of the ships he forced to crash land became his enemies. The only people who didn't crash on New Earth-2 were the people aboard the Overwatch-One. That's basically the old World Government and its military and its Sandmen.

Dammit, Sloan! You're making it awfully hard for me to not think you're the traitor like every reader already knows you are!

Sloan does indeed steal the Source Cube on the same day everybody crash lands on New Earth-2. I guess it took a full year to prepare it so he could transform the world into his own likeness. Batdick can't stop him before he pushes the button to terraform the world so I guess everybody on Earth-2 is going to die during the terraforming? Or does it somehow allow for people whose DNA matches that in the Source Vault to survive as everything terraforms around them? I suppose it's the latter thing or else Batdick wouldn't end the comic book with "This should be fun." He would probably end the comic book with, "OH MY GOD NOW I REALLY HAVE TO FIND MY STUPID SON!"

Earth 2: Society #2 Rating: No change. From the Sneak Peek, I thought Red Arrow and The Huntress were the bad guys who were going to use the Source Vault to destroy Green Lantern's world. But apparently I was wrong because I can't be bothered to dig up whatever Convergence issue the Sneak Peek was in to do any fact checking. Since it's not part of this actual series, we can just forget it ever happened anyway, right? The bad guy is now the bad guy that we expected: Terry Sloan. Although it's a surprise that Commander Sato and the Sandmen are fighting on his side. I hope Terry Sloan programmed the Genesis Machine to transform New Earth-2 into Golden Age Earth-2! I want to read some World War II stories with the Justice Society!