Aquaman #5

At first I thought the soldiers were named after various whiskies but then I saw "Eltaeb" and I thought, "Oh! These must be soldiers who graduated from the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley!"

The Review!
In this issue, Aquaman and Mera prove to the United States government that they shouldn't go to war with Atlantis. Two Atlanteans (well, one and a Xenian or whatever) basically dismantle the entire marine corps during their escape from the detention cell where Arthur was being held for resisting arrest or terrorism or looking at the president side-eyed. Events have completely spiraled out of control to a point well past my usual limits of credulity (even for a comic book!). But for some reason, I don't really mind. Aquaman is finding out how America tends to go crazy when too many people say the word terrorism. And Atlantis isn't really known for their patience or reluctance to mobilize for war. So every event is doubling down on the initial misunderstanding and it all stemmed from Black Manta's attack on the Atlantean Embassy. He must be pretty damn proud! What I'm trying to say is Dan Abnett's telling an enjoyable Aquaman story that could maybe use less troops attacking Aquaman and less Mera going directly to the belief that her marriage is over before it begun. This isn't about your future nuptials, Mera! This is an international incident!

The Commentary!
Sometimes when I complain about a comic book, I complain about the writer's decisions. And other times, I complain as if the character were making stupid mistakes and completely ignore the writer's involvement. I like myself best when I'm pretending to be unaware of the artists behind the art. I like to get so wrapped up in a comic book that I scream at Aquaman when he does something stupid (almost always) rather than let Aquaman off the hook and blame the writer behind his actions. Plus I probably shouldn't be so mean to people just trying to earn a living when they're obviously struggling so hard to be competent at their work. I'm not naming any specific Cullen Bunns here! I mean names! This revelation is more about me anyway. I should be a kinder person! It's okay to mock Aquaman as much as I like (which is really, really, really, really a lot!) but I probably shouldn't enjoy mocking the struggling artists giving about 30% of their all to entertain the masses. Seriously though! Why should I expect them to give 100%?! I can hardly ever muster 100% even for things I'm enthusiastic about!

Last issue, Aquaman was trying to solve problems by diplomacy. But his main problem with solving this problem diplomatically is that he's trying to use diplomacy with the United States of America. Their entire playbook for diplomacy involves making power plays. The number one rule when America goes into a diplomatic situation is to make sure the other person knows who is in charge! Aquaman was playing by their rules for the most part, allowing them to prove they're in charge by locking him up so they can exhibit the only other part of their diplomatic plan: control! First you show people who is in charge! Then you control the entire situation and shit all over the word compromise! It might not make you the most likeable or seemingly intelligent country on the block but it definitely lines your pockets with the lunch money of all those other nerd countries.

Aquaman was playing the part like a great king does. He bent over at all the right times and he spread his ass cheeks at just the right time and he made sure to keep saying America's name in pleasurable moans. The American government was confused by his willingness to submit because that screws up most of their power play. When they bump against some Atlantean squirt at the bar, they hope the Atlantean squirt will say something like "Excuse me!" or "Oh, sorry I was standing here!" that will give America a reason to bust their chops. Hell, even just looking annoyed that America bumped them and caused them to spill their drink is reason enough to invade the fuck out somebody. So when Aquaman just kept taking it without giving America a reason to get violent, they weren't sure what to do next. Luckily they had a plan! Bump into Mera!

Mera, of course, is no Aquaman. She does not bend over. She does not spread her ass cheeks. What she does do is immediately being buckling the strap on because she's about to do some good old fashion pegging on America! She immediately flips the fuck out and breaks Aquaman out of prison. America breathes a sigh of relief because they know how to handle this kind of terrorist uprising! They send the entire military to meet Aquaman and Mera as they try to escape the detention center to kill the fuck out Aquaman and Mera. Yay America. Yay. Ya...oh god. I'm so sorry, the rest of the world! I'm so fucking sorry! Most of us can't apologize enough for the twats running the show and their obsequious lackeys coming in their pants at the thought of dropping bombs or long, protracted invasions.

Mera is strapped on and ready to teach the Marines a new tactic.

Mera throws a tank at a helicopter and half the marines shit themselves. But Aquaman makes sure to save everybody who should be dead due to Mera's wrath. Luckily for the marines, he believes in non-violent solutions. Or, at least, non-lethal solutions! It's not like he's going to try to stop Mera from punching every single one of them in their stupid faces. I mean, he eventually drags her away but he seems to take his time.

It would be nice to imagine this as a fictional, hyperbolic attitude of the government of the United States, wouldn't it?

I realize I'm being too hard on these fictional government entities (and by extension, the non-fictional ones) when the Chief of Staff points out that Aquaman is the least important member of the Justice League and just the fish guy. This guy is actually all right and I'm beginning to see his point that Aquaman needs to be killed.

Although I think I'm being way too lenient on the marines! Who are these guys who just unthinkingly follow orders?! Man, it must be such a sweet life! You never have to worry about your own ethics or desires! You never have to worry about being responsible for anything (until somebody higher up needs a patsy, of course!). You can just sit back, shoot whomever you're told to shoot, and collect that sweet, sweet government paycheck! And now you don't even need to worry so much about horrible civilian attitudes coming back from war like in the Vietnam days! People are wearing shirts that say shit like "Home of the Free Because of the Brave" and think of every soldier as a hero and sing songs like "Freedom isn't free!" And nobody ever argues how those attitudes are harmful because you can't have a thoughtful conversation about patriotism and imperialism and warmongering without coming off as unsympathetic of the plight of the soldier in this day and age. I will say this though about that stupid fucking t-shirt I mentioned: if you think America is free due to our overseas violence, you're probably a moron.

On minor disagreement and Mera goes straight to the wedding being off!

I realize calling people who believe something other than I do a moron isn't ever helpful. But sometimes a person just becomes exhausted with everybody who thinks they're smart or hold well-considered opinions but they just aren't and they just don't. And anything I say will just produce the exact result from the other side, where I'm called a moron because I might think that doing nothing after 9/11 would have been better for the world than demanding more blood from any country we could paint as the source of the problem. Just looking at it from the American side alone and ignoring any casualties from other countries, we would have had far less American deaths from 9/11 had we reacted less violently. Rushing out and murdering other people because some of us were murdered is gangland tactics. Protecting citizens from another catastrophe like this? That's what governments are supposed to do.

I've said enough! This is about that fish guy and not about pissing off my dumb-dumb conservative readership!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Tula, the current regent while Arthur is above water, decides de-escalation is what is called for in this trying time! But then she gets a report that the United States military is trying to kill their King and his fiance and Tula decides maybe de-de-escalation is the better way to go!

I think this situation is properly fubared. Which is probably why the president calls in Superman to handle the situation. Although, judging from Superman's past, this encounter isn't exactly going to break out in an intelligent conversation.

Aquaman #4

Poseidon loves to cup a good ball sack.

The Review!
So Dan Abnett is writing a decent Aquaman comic book. It's even better than decent if you can stomach reading about Aquaman and even better than better than decent if you love international diplomacy stories! And if you enjoy the corpses of American servicemen being eaten by sharks, well have I got a fucking cherry on top for you! Seriously though. I don't think I made fun of Aquaman once during this commentary! I mean, I probably did. But I didn't thoroughly enjoy it like I usually do. I was probably thinking, "Why am I being so mean when Aquaman is just trying to do the right thing?" No wait. I was thinking, "I hope Aquaman spanks Mera's naked bottom next issue for being so naughty!"

The Commentary!
Every day I think, "This is the day I'm going to sit down and really take a good whack at the comic book stack! I can get on a roll and write five or six reviews, maybe read a few old New Titans, call Deathstroke 'Douchéstork' a few times, and answer one or two asks as sarcastically as possible!" Then I sit down, check Twitter, get annoyed by the morons I know on Facebook, sigh, and go play the Xbox for six hours. Partially that's because I had a stressful work week. Owning your own business sometimes comes with having to do work things during times not allocated for work! I know. It's fucking ridiculous. You'd think that by owning your own business, you could just goof around all day telling other people to get to work. I suppose I need more employees than just me for that to happen though. But then, who wants to work with other people? They're all fucking ridiculous!

On the plus side, I got to meet Old Man Roger on Wednesday. He retired from the floor cleaning supplies retail business twenty years ago. He sold me a used floor buffer for three hundred dollars which is far less than I thought I was going to have to pay when my old one broke down on Sunday night. He also tried to sell me a scrubber, another buffer, a broom, his garage, and I think his granddaughter. If I had known he had so many things and people to sell, I would have made some room in the work van before driving out to where he lived at Bumfuck Farms. I will say one of those things he offered me really made my dick hard. But for $1700, I just couldn't justify buying another floor scrubber.

Last issue, Aquaman was arrested by the US Government for being a boring idiot. Mera tried to get him to argue but he was all, "Shh, Mera. You know they're right." He then went quietly to jail. I'm surprised he didn't keep yelling, "Diplomatic immunity!" Maybe that doesn't work anymore now that anybody can be held for any reason, as long as a white person thinks they're a terrorist.

Maybe if you tightened up your material. I mean, seriously, a turbot? Nobody is laughing at the mention of a turbot. Maybe if it were a sight gag, sure! But you're just confusing land dwellers with the word.

Aquaman wants the relationship between Atlantis and the United States of America to work out so badly that he makes a huge mistake. He allows the government to detain him without any proper procedure at all! A battleship is sunk by people who are probably of the Atlantean race and it's automatically an act of war and a reason to detain the leader of the foreign power? We all see how ridiculous that is, right? I mean, it makes for a good story in that it allows Aquaman to play the stoic, righteous man trying to retain his dignity in the face of incompetence and paranoia! But it's still stupid.

Mera gets on her shell phone (I stole that joke from a ceramic mermaid in a toilet paper commercial! Unless the commercial is for an Audi or cat food. I'm terrible at remembering the brands attached to advertisements!) to call Atlantis and bitch about how the US is fucking Aquaman. I was going to say she's on the phone "bitching," but I realized that's totally...oh wait! I did say "bitch". Never mind.

Tula is on the other end of the shell trying to calm Mera down. You know Tula! It's Aquagirl! Her Rebirth outfit is yellow and green because Aquaman must have ordered her to look more ridiculous than he does. Tula is currently regent of Atlantis which means she's in charge but people totally roll their eyes when she gives a command. So many magistrates and officials under her are making jerk-off hand motions whenever she gives an order that they've created a tsunami that will probably wipe out the Canary Islands. That could probably be an apocalyptic coal mine joke if you wanted it to be.

Tula is having trouble with the people of Atlantis because they're demanding Tula do something about Aquaman's captivity. How do they know about it already?! These things need to be handled discreetly, Tula! No wonder you'll never be more than a regent! While discussing the situation with Mera, Tula says, about being on land, "I remember cotton candy, the best thing ever." Dan Abnett included that because it's the kind of stupid cute shit the young people like. "Oh my god! Tula loves cotton candy! It's totally canon! I'm screaming!" I'm just saddened by the thought because she can never enjoy cotton candy under the sea.

Murk and the Drift investigate the scene of the sunken American battleship. It's pretty cool because there are dead soldiers everywhere and sharks swimming around eating their dicks. That was a reference to a previous commentary. Try to keep up! I do that sometimes because I only ever read the things I write. You won't get any tired Biblical allegories out of me! No way! It's all self-referential masturbatory bullshit up in here!

While Murk is investigating, he waits around too long because that adds to the drama.

It would be a boring comic book if Murk and the Drift hadn't been sighted by the military!

Murk engages in combat with the military while saying incriminating things like, "We are discovered!" and "Americans can suck my nuts!" He really isn't a very good diplomat. Although who hasn't yelled "Americans can suck my nuts!" one or two times in their life? Per week, I mean.

Meanwhile, Black Manta is flying around in a NEMO airplane called an Albatross. It's called that because that's a sea bird and it glides for long stretches of time without having to land. That's the totality of my knowledge of albatrosses unless you want me to start singing Iron Maiden. Black Manta learns that NEMO stands for "Nautical Enforcement of Macrocosmic Order" which is stupid because all comic book acronyms are ultimately stupid. That's because they're made up after the fact. You want an organization that revolves around conquest of the oceans? How about NEMO! You want an organization that has eyes everywhere? ARGUS! You want an organization the you're too stupid to think up words to fit the acronym? NOWHERE! You want an organization that both hides in the shadows and casts its shadow across the world? SHADE! You want an organization for a science and research lab that's actually a pretty fucking good one and not surprising DC has used it for so long? STAR Labs!

Black Jack lets Black Manta know that she isn't appropriating the term "black" at all because she's probably got some African ancestors five or six generations back. She also lets him know that NEMO has been controlling the oceans since 1983. So Pre-crisis! I think she also almost reveals that their leader is Ocean Master. She calls him the Fisher King so it's either him or Jesus. Or maybe a third person I haven't thought of yet. Like maybe Fisherman? I could see why they might want to update his super villain name to Fisher King! I mean, Fisherman? Somebody pulled a paycheck thinking up that one?

Back at the White House, some high-minded official decides to threaten to arrest Mera which is exactly the wrong move if you want things to go peacefully but totally the right move if this is a comic book. And it is a comic book, so good writing, Dan Abnett! More drama is about to ensue as Mera breaks Arthur out of his holding cell just as he's about to talk his way out diplomatically. Oh Mera! You're such a red-headed female! I mean, you're passionate! I don't know why I said those other stereotypical things. I just meant she's a total individual and she could have been meek or passionate even with red hair but she wound up being passionate!

See? Like I said! Passionate!

Aquaman and Mera break out of the holding facility to find themselves surrounded by a good percentage of the United States military. Well, it was a good attempt, Mera. It's just that usually when people attempt something and fail, it doesn't wind up starting a war.

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

New Suicide Squad #15

I'm not bragging when I say I could draw a better cover because this cover is crap and I draw slightly better than crap.

Deadshot, Boomerang, Harley, and probably Parasite have decided to work with Amanda Waller because she's offered them their freedom if they help her destroy Vic Sage. She must have been crossing her fingers when she made that deal because the Suicide Squad movie is just on the horizon and it stars Harley, Deadshot, and Boomerang. So fans of the movie are going to be expecting those characters in the Squad in the coming year. Although they might be surprised to find Floyd Lawton looks less like the Fresh Prince and more like Pornstache.

The team is headed to Dallas to find evidence linking Vic Sage to a company that is in direct conflict with the Squad's goals. That's the kind of thing that employers frown on. Like when you're a cook at Burger King and you've got a second job writing ads for McDonalds where Ronald takes a huge dump on the Burger King's head. I'm sure those ads exist but they probably only air in other countries like Belgium and Croatia. You know, countries where shitting on other people is seen as insulting.

This is why I read shitty comic books!

I still find it fun reading and writing about shitty comic books but I definitely find it less fun at times than I used to find it less fun. If you know what I'm saying. Like right now, I'm interested in reading this issue and I want to write something funny about it or me as I do it but I also want to just sit in front of the Xbox and play some Blood Bowl. I also feel a bit stressed about how much work I should put into each commentary when previously I would write really short ones if I simply had nothing to say. Now I feel like I need to say more! And yet, I also realize that shorter is better on the internet! And then I've got a huge stack of comics because I'm so far behind and DC Comics just won't stop for one fucking week with the new comic books! It's like they're obsessed with them! I keep telling myself that I'm going to take a few days one week to just do a bunch of really short commentaries on a bunch of books to make some headway. But when I sit down to do that, I'm really eager to read and write about comic books. That translates into writing way too much on the first comic book I read, really enjoying the finished work, and then patting myself on the back and going off to play Call of Duty for four hours. Maybe I should set a timer and just do some speed reads! I bet those would be fantastic! Especially for me and for people who love to type "TL;DR"!

The entire team is pretty fucked up right now. Deadshot can't shoot straight. Parasite can't suck energy. Boomerang is a stubborn asshole who will probably betray everybody else at the drop of a cream pie. And Harley Quinn is a depressed clown that has lost the ability to laugh and/or shove things into her clown car. It's a pretty sorry state of affairs but for a government task force, I'd say it's above par.

Toothpaste! Err, Two Shades! Um, Tush Aids? What do fencers say when they stab each other?

Boomerang and Harley are trying to find something to jump start Parasite's powers. But Harley is acting like a total rag so Boomer says something to her that's similar to me calling her a rag and she gets totally pissed off for some reason. I don't know why but women hate being called a rag. I tested it out at Starbucks and was slapped fifteen out of seven times. I got slapped a lot more than just once by each woman.

Waller and Deadshot have taken Miss Pesta, the CEO of Calvary, hostage so they can ask her some questions about Vic Sage.

Apparently Miss Pesta is a beast cursed to find somebody who will love her.

Waller learns that The Pearl Group (I don't know which group is the top corporation. Pearl. Corvus. Calvary. One of those) wanted to see the end of the Task Force X program because they kept screwing up their shady international business. They heard Vic Sage was unhappy in his role with Task Force X so they formed a team to bring down the Suicide Squad. Miss Pesta doesn't give a shit about it anymore and just wants to wash her hands of it all. So she's selling out Vic Sage and asking Waller to just call it a draw.

It sounds like a writer is tying up loose plot threads! Is Ryan's time on the book almost up?

Miss Pesta points out that world governments have lost all power to corporations so The Pearl Group is more powerful than Amanda's bosses. The issue ends before Amanda can strike a deal with Miss Pesta which allows the Suicide Squad to work for the Pearl Group. So I guess Sean Ryan has at least one more issue in him so he can get that plot point working and the Suicide Squad can stop working for the government.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Vic Sage has set Black Manta free so that Black Manta will kill Waller for him. Hopefully Manta will just go back to trying to kill Aquaman and completely renege on the deal.

New Suicide Squad #15 Rating: No change. This issue had a lot of people sitting in an office talking. It wasn't the enjoyable kind of talking that I clamor for where people say witty dialogue and then somebody responds with wittier dialogue and then somebody references Shakespeare and I think, "Was that a line from Ren and Stimpy?" Then maybe somebody sucks somebody else's genitals and I spend five minutes in the bathroom before getting back to the comic book. Those are the kinds of comic books I like! I wonder why I'm reading so many DC Comics then? I must not like having fun!

New Suicide Squad #14

Doesn't this look like a wacky road trip of fun?

Last issue ended with Vic Sage pushed the buttons to blow up the heads of all of the Suicide Squad members. It doesn't really matter though because this cover is assuring me that nobody's head exploded. Not that I expected anybody's head to actually explode! This is the New Suicide Squad, after all. And the main thing that differentiates The New Suicide Squad from the previous incarnations of the Suicide Squad is that nobody dies in this one. It's been fourteen issues and the only corpses the team has to show for their suicidal efforts are a few dozen Man-Bats. And those aren't anything special. Everybody has a few of those lying around. Sure, they also lost Reverse-Flash but he just traveled back in time. That's not even a speed bump to somebody linked to the Speed Force.

I'm pretty sure you're going to have to explain it to somebody!

Vic Sage decides to explain his actions a little bit to Bonnie. He points out that Waller has gone rogue and he doesn't want her using Task Force X assets to help her with whatever she plans on doing. She's probably planning on ruining Sage and destroying his relationship with Corvus Corp. Also she probably plans on simply destroying Corvus Corp because it's probably full of murderers. Why else would they choose the name Corvus?

Waller rallies her troops and tells them about how Vic Sage should be the first person to die in this comic book. He has been kind of useless. The only reason the Squad needs two people to lead it is so that one of them could wind up being a traitor. I hope I predicted that in an earlier issue. I probably did. No need to fact check that. If I just write a few more sentences that don't really say anything but distract me long enough, I'll simply remember the statement that "I hope I predicted that" as "I totally fucking predicted that." Boom. Done! I'm a genius.

Part of Waller's speech to her team involves mentioning that she disengaged the neck bombs before the mission. The Squad reacts predictably.

They all have long distance weapons. Why the fuck are they charging her?! No, no! I already know the answer to that! Fuck you, and/or comic books!

Boomerang is supposed to be a master of the boomerang and yet he gets close enough to Waller to get kicked in the chin. He's an idiot.

Here's a question that I may have asked before: why have a character whose prime ability is to throw boomerangs when he creates them out of thin air and never has to worry about them returning to him? Isn't that the main appeal of a boomerang?! I've seen nerdy kids in the park throwing them around and they never have more than one. Who needs the thing to come back if you can simply create as many as you want? Come to think of it, Batman's rarely come back either. I guess they both just use them because they're easily controlled projectiles which you can aim at anything anywhere without having to rely on a straight line of attack. Although that brings me back to my first criticism: why is Boomer getting so fucking close to battle Waller?! He's an idiot.

Of course they're a crutch! They keep him at a distance and out of danger! He shouldn't even be in hand-to-hand combat!

Lawton takes down Amanda as Amanda is kicking Harley's ass. After that, the three of them kick the shit out of her for a bit before Lawton threatens to blow Amanda's head off. That's when Amanda finally decides to let the Squad in on her little secret. Although even seconds before her brain eats a bullet, she's still acting coy and refusing to get to the point. How badly does she not want to save her own life?! I don't know if she's stupid or brave but I do know that the first thing I would have screamed when the Squad began jumping over pews to kick my face in is "IF I DIE THE BOMBS IN YOUR NECK WILL EXPLODE!" I wouldn't say I'm a coward. I'd say I'm a survivor at any cost who long ago cut out the word "dignity" from my dictionary.

Waller tells the Squad that if they help her bring down Vic Sage, she'll let them go free. I guess at that point, Harley Quinn will finally be able to star in her own monthly comic and her own bimonthly comic and a whole shitload of one shots and a mini-series to boot. Up until now, she hasn't had the time because she's been incarcerated in Belle Reve. I think.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage realizes he needs some muscle on his side. Bonnie probably won't help him because she's probably working for Checkmate. So he finds an inmate who hates Amanda Waller enough to help him out: Black Manta. Is that the only thing Black Manta lives for? Vengeance on a few very particular people? He can't define himself except through his hatred of other people? Seriously, he hasn't pursued his own interests since Aquaman killed his father. Every decision has been based on Aquaman. I guess at least now he has a choice again. Does he try to kill Aquaman or Amanda? Ugh. People actually like this guy? I hate Black Manta simply because that oversized helmet on a usually too long neck completely freaks me the fuck out.

New Suicide Squad #14 Rating: No change. Still nobody died! What the fuck, Suicide Squad? Why are you fucking teasing me like this?! Fourteen issues plus an annual and this book has yet to kill anybody on the team! What pisses me off the most is that every issue begins with the introduction that states "Officially, they are called Task Force X. Unofficially, they have a more accurate name...Suicide Squad." It isn't accurate at all! Is there a dictionary in the offices at DC? I want somebody to go pick up that dictionary and look up the word "suicide"! Also look up the word "boomerang" because I don't think they understand what one is or how it works. Most of the time when you use the boomerang as a weapon, you don't charge the kangaroo, get right in its face, and hurl the boomerang as hard as you can so you inevitably completely miss while also getting kicked in the junk by the kangaroo. At least I don't think that's how you use one. The only boomerang I've ever thrown was one of those nerf ones that doesn't actually look like a boomerang but it still comes back when you throw it. Unless you threw it right at your sister's face and then it never comes back because your stupid mom locks it away in a drawer.

New Suicide Squad #13

Get out of here! A mummy with a gun! That's almost as ridiculous as the zombie with a gun in Day of the Dead!

This issue begins with Deadshot and Boomer trying to set up a drug exporting connection in Rio de Janeiro. It falls apart because this comic book is about exciting and dramatic violence and not about handshakes and complimentary words. The drugs they were trying to buy are those drugs that give people random super powers. Some kids in an issue of Teen Titans took some a while back. I don't see the appeal of taking a drug that gives you a random super power. What if you took it and suddenly you had stretching powers? Then you'd be embarrassed and depressed all night! Unless you had a penis and were around a lot of people who couldn't wait to put a stretchy penis into one of their various orifices. I've never tried most drugs because they've never interested me. But I knew from a fairly early age that I wanted to try LSD and mushrooms. The idea of hallucinating appealed greatly to me. I eventually discovered the hallucinations were nothing like I thought they were going to be. I was hoping to see dragons flying in the sky and people melting into puddles of goo. But I wasn't disappointed! The hallucinations were far better than I even imagined! Never would I have thought that you could reach a place of complete ego loss, a place where you completely believed the person you thought you were was a story fabricated in the mind of the person you really were. I also never realized how often I would stand at urinals in clubs because I felt like I had to pee and then it just felt nice standing there staring at the tile with my penis out until one of my friends came in to fetch me.

Luckily for Lawton and Harkness, Parasite made the trip too. He absorbs all the bullets in the ensuing gun battle. Harley Quinn is also there because she brings in the money for DC.

Oh yeah. I forgot Amanda has now been forced to go on the away missions. You'd think they wouldn't want to waste an asset like Waller on missions that are meant to kill the team.

A bunch of goons on the random super power drug show up to save the day. I mean save the day for the drug dealers who were just trying to make a living. The Suicide Squad are definitely the jerks in this situation.

Speaking of drugs, Deadshot is still popping pills like crazy due to the pain in his arm and the addictive nature of the pills he was given. Now that Amanda is on the team, she catches Floyd guzzling pills. Intervention time! I hope they invite King Shark.

Parasite blows up the club because he took too many drugs via draining the powers of the drug-addled goons. Then the probably corrupt Brazilian police show up to increase the excitement and dramatic violence!

While the Squad tries to lie low as a riot breaks out, Amanda discovers that the Brazilian SWAT van was made by the Pearl Group. That's a clue to prove that Vic Sage is a jerk!

Harley Quinn hasn't said a word so she might just be some kind of robot. The real Harley is probably spying on Vic Sage back at Belle Reve.

Oh, I guess she's okay.

Amanda learns that Pearl and the company making the weapons they use and the company making the drugs Lawton is guzzling are all subsidiaries of Corvus Corp. That's the company that was trying to get the Lazarus Pit up and running in the Middle East. That's the company that Sage is working for. That's the company that needs to be shut down before they repeat the mistake of giving the Suicide Squad access to resurrection.

Amanda contacts Bonnie and tells her she's going to be out of communication for awhile. Vic Sage learns about Waller going rogue and doesn't like that idea at all so he pushes the button to blow the heads off of all the other Squad members. As if Amanda hadn't disarmed her team's neck bombs during the fifteen minutes it took Bonnie to find Sage. By the way, Bonnie is a total spy! I hope she's working for Checkmate.

New Suicide Squad #13 Rating: No change. More happened in this issue than it felt like with the weak framing story and the reminders of what's going on with all the team members. The mission didn't matter at all this issue (which Ryan acknowledges at the end with Amanda putting a bullet through the target's head while being more interested in contacting Bonnie over the phone). Amanda putting together the clues to Sage's betrayal was the main thrust of the story. The other characters mostly just reminded the reader where their heads were at. Lawton can't aim due to the drugs and pain in his arm. Harley is kind of fucked up over her violent behavior. Digger is...well, I guess Digger is the same old guy. And Parasite can be forgotten about like usual. The overall feeling I was left with was that this issue was more recap than new story. I did learn this issue that I hope Bonnie and Amanda wind up as a couple.

New Suicide Squad Annual #1

Is this the episode where they get blown back to the seventies and all wind up working for the Dharma Initiative?

When did DC Comics stop understanding what the Suicide Squad was all about? It was probably when The New 52 began but it's definitely had a major problem since they added the "new" to the title. The Suicide Squad is not about packing a whole bunch of popular characters onto the team in the hopes of higher sales due to fans of all of the characters purchasing the comic book. Yes, Harley Quinn sells a shipload of comics on her name alone. So why not stick Deathstroke and The Joker's Daughter and Black Manta and Reverse-Flash on the team as well? Okay, some of those names aren't exactly names that sell a lot of books. But they are--and this is the real problem--names of characters who will never be allowed to die. The Suicide Squad is about C-List villains written so well that people buy the comic book despite the makeup of the team. The Suicide Squad needs to be C-List villains that DC doesn't care about or else the Suicide part of the name makes no sense. Nobody is fucking dying in this comic book. Nobody.

This had better end now! Daniel West, I'm hoping this may be your unlucky day!

Wrong! That is not an accurate nickname at all!

Captain Boomerang has been given a death sentence for teaching The League's children how to play soccer. I wish that were a more common happenstance! Football burn! Also I used happenstance incorrectly! It makes the insult better because soccer players would be all, "Arg! How dare you tarnish the reputation of the greatest foot sport ever invented if you disregard Hacky-Sack!" And then I'll be all, "Hee hee! They're so dumb they didn't notice my error!" Then after waking up from my coma because I was beaten near to death, I'll be able to tell the story about how I totally humiliated people who enjoy football.

I don't like soccer because it reminds me of having to do something that I didn't want to do when I was a kid. That thing was playing soccer. I don't know why soccer had remained so unpopular in America for so long when every kid (of all the genders, even the not normal ones like "female") was practically forced to play. The best part of soccer was peeling the shinguards from your legs after the game. The second best part of soccer was sniffing those shinguards.

Reverse-Flash meets up with Harley Quinn who just broke out of prison and taught all of the children how to make fart noises. She'll probably be charged with the corruption of youth next and wind up in a drowning tank next to Boomer.

Nonsense, Harley! You're also DC's cash cow!

Reverse-Flash tells Harley that his own sister called him a monster. I'm fairly certain my own sister called me a lot worse than that. Maybe I should have put some effort into becoming a super villain. I did say that females were a not normal gender earlier! That's a good start, right?! I bet I could be as nefarious as Lex Luthor if I just started using the wrong pronouns on people! Remember kids: you are your pronouns! No wait! I said that wrong! I meant to say "you" and "your" are pronouns! They're the ones I prefer!

I hope I'm at least Kite-man level super villainous now! But I'm shooting for Crazy Quilt! So how about I say this: "[INSERT YOUR RELIGION] is based on a philosophy opposite that of ignorance and hate! So why are you such a jerk?! Go play soccer!" Take that, yous!

Black Manta had been considering becoming a disciple of Saladin and his League but when Saladin suggests that Black Manta's first mission for The League be a suicide mission, he begins to rethink his position. Americans never have the stomach for giving their lives for a cause. Oh sure! Some do happen to give their lives for a cause. But they never do it on purpose. An American fighting for a cause is an American who believes they will be alive after the fight is over. No American has the stomach for actual suicide missions that will advance a cause for the greater good of other Americans! Although we seem to be raising a generation who do have the stones for it. It's just that we're losing them all because they keep killing themselves at the ends of their shooting sprees.

Meanwhile Deadshot is busy trying to save Captain Boomerang from his Reverse Bacta Tank. He fucks it up because his shooting arm is completely messed up from Deathstroke breaking it. He's also probably fucked up on those pain killers he's become addicted to. Luckily Harley saves Boomerang during the distraction and Reverse-Flash helps out Deadshot.

Nobody has died yet. Dammit.

Oh yeah! I forgot about him too! I guess he can die. He was just some slacker messenger. Another Parasite will eventually replace him. Besides, Parasite has had plenty of on-panel time since The New 52 began! He can afford to be killed.

Back in Belle Reve, Vic Sage is speaking on the phone with the Secretary of Whoever's In Charge of Task Force X. They're working out a deal to get Amanda Waller working closer to the ground team. If that means she's going to be on the team, then fuck this comic book. But if she's just going to be in a van full of radios and computers and monitors and stuff then that'll be okay. Is this why Vic Sage was being such a good puppy? To get Waller ousted from the Command Center? I still think he's working for The Pearl Group. Unless Bonnie is working for them. Maybe Bonnie is working for Checkmate. I'm certain they're all lousy spies.

-tt- Typical American!

Did I use the "-tt-" sound effect correctly?!

While Black Manta decides it's better to be alive and a member of the Suicide Squad rather than dead and a member of The League, Deadshot and Reverse-Flash rescue Parasite. But Saladin sets the timer on the time bomb (I guess it doesn't come with a "blow up instantly" button) giving the Squad two minutes to get out of range or they're going to go back in time. As they speed away in a truck, Manta says "fourty-five seconds" when he means "forty-five seconds." Total American!

Reverse-Flash doesn't like the idea of leaving all the kids in the area being sent back in time. So he runs back to grab the time bomb and throw it in a nearby body of water. Here's hoping that body of water isn't where the locals get their food or water because it's going on a journey through time! Also going on a journey through time? Daniel West! Being that he's one of them Flash characters, his being flung into the time stream means nothing. He'll have some adventures and maybe meet Captain Atom or Monarch along the way and he'll be back for breakfast. So that doesn't count as a death! Still nobody has died!

Back in Belle Reve, it turns out Amanda is being forced to go on missions with the team. Ugh. Hopefully not in a fighting capacity because I hate that Amanda Waller. I don't want Team 7 Amanda Waller in this comic book. I want Ostrander's Amanda Waller in this thing!

New Suicide Squad Annual #1 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: This annual wrapped up the best story arc The Suicide Squad has been a part of since The New 52 began. There may have been a few issues here and there that I enjoyed in their previous New 52 incarnation but they were rare. Mostly it was just a bunch of ill-conceived story ideas and poor characterization. At least this book has been entertaining even if nobody has died yet. Maybe I should count Daniel West being lost in time since that's about as close as they could come to a character death with this bunch of villains. But I won't. He'll be back when Wally West needs his uncle over in the pages of The Flash. Hopefully the next story arc will introduce a few villainous losers into the group so I can at least have the possibility of somebody dying. And please don't let Waller pick up a gun and actually go on the missions. Please do not do that. Please.

New Suicide Squad #12

In which Harley discovers the Joker's stash of Harley Quinn Real Dolls.

This issue begins with the Reverse Flash lost in the desert. Normally you wouldn't think that would be a problem for somebody with super speed because they could just be out of the desert in three seconds. But Reverse Flash didn't eat his Wheaties because Harley Quinn probably pissed in them. And now he's winding down like a top like in those commercials from the late 70s or early 80s that kept trying to remind kids that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. I wouldn't know if that was true or not because I was raised by a single mother who was too fucking busy to feed the kids in the morning before going to work to make video games. I understood that she had one of the most important jobs in the world ever, so I never resented not having breakfast. Plus if I really needed breakfast before going to school, my grandmother lived just a few houses down and she was prepared to make anything I wanted at the drop of my emaciated body on the steps of her front porch.

Now you're probably wondering what video games my mom made, aren't you? Well, it was the seventies so take a fucking guess. She worked at Signetics where they made chips for Atari cartridges. So as a kid, I owned just about every Atari game ever made. I mean, I owned the chips they were on. And I owned these two little green receptacles which you would slide the chip into and push a lever to hold them into position. Then the little green thing slid into the cartridge slot after which you'd turn on the Atari to see which game you were about to play. You needed two cartridge things because one was used to play low memory games like Brain Games and Poker while the other one was used to play less low memory games like Adventure and Combat. My mother eventually sold the whole shebang at a garage sale to some lucky asshole who now owns my childhood. Mostly she sold it because she lived in a constant state of fear that the FBI was going to raid her house and arrest her. Also, the previous story was a total lie and none of it actually happened if the statute of limitations is somehow longer than forty years old for this kind of workplace theft.

Pretending the previous paragraph were true even though it isn't at all and nobody can prove it anyway, I may have been one of a very few who played Atari's E.T. without having to pay for it so it didn't seem, you know, that bad. I also didn't have any instructions for it so I had no clue what I was doing.

The Parasite has been captured by The League and is now being experimented on. He is still alive just like every other member of the Suicide Squad which makes me wonder why anybody thinks "Suicide Squad" is a good nickname for Task Force X. It's not like anybody ever dies! It's been a full year since the Squad was rebooted and all they've lost are a few Man-bats and those hardly count. So I'm expecting at least one death this issue, Sean Ryan! Don't you disappoint me the way I'm constantly disappointing myself!

I know, right?

Harley Quinn is currently being kept locked up with all the children who aren't allowed to play soccer. That seems like a bad idea since Captain Boomerang just recently got sentenced to death for corrupting the youth. What do they think Harley Quinn is going to do to them? Although she does try to teach them some English.

This is a lot of fart talk. No wonder this comic is rated Teen Plus.

Harley Quinn makes farting noises for the kids and they laugh and laugh. She's the best clown ever! She's also corrupting the youth! Now The League is going to have to deal with a bunch of kids running about making constant farting noises!

I used to clean the floor of a 7-11 where the night clerk was a Nigerian fairly new to this country. He was taking English classes but they weren't teaching him the words he really wanted to know. So every night I was there, he had a new English word he wanted to learn. He wanted to know words like pussy and fucking and shit and cock. You know, things like that! So one night, he came over to where I was sweeping and asked me the usual, "How do you say...," followed by some description of the word he wanted to know. His accent was thick so between it and his sometimes crazy description of the word, it would occasionally take a few tries before I understood what he wanted. This time he said it a few times and I couldn't quite grasp it. Then he made a motion as if something were coming out of his ass and I got it. He wanted to know what you call "the air from your butt." So I taught him a rather polite phrase first: "to pass gas." Then I taught him fart and a whole host of other ways to say fart. His favorite was "to break wind" which sent him into a huge giggle fit. I wonder if I should have charged extra for giving that 7-11's employees English lessons?

Meanwhile, Black Manta has become quite close to Saladin, the leader of The League. Deadshot is worried Black Manta has flipped on the Squad the way that Deathstroke flipped on them in their first mission. But he's just doing his job really well. He knows exactly where to stick his tongue to get Saladin to reveal his secrets. And it's finally going to pay off! Saladin is prepared to show Black Manta how The League plans on changing the world!

Saladin is a bit literal minded, I guess.

Amanda Waller has lost contact with the Squad and now needs to figure out somebody to send in to help them out. Vic Sage is trying to be helpful which is suspicious. But I still think Bonnie is probably the real traitor! Especially since she's the one who maintains they've lost contact with the Squad even though Reverse Flash can hear their radio messages and tries to report back. I think she's just ignoring him!

Deadshot gets a moment to catch up with Black Manta and finds that Black Manta really has begun drinking the Death to the World Flavored Kool-Aid served up by The League. I think that means Deadshot is going to have to kill him before Black Manta chooses to kill Deadshot first. Plus, somebody needs to die in this comic book at some point, right?!

Amen, Brother Deadshot! Preach!

Reverse Flash hears Bonnie and Waller call him a useless piece of crap which motivates him to get his ass in gear. Probably because what happens after Waller thinks you're a useless member of the team is your head explodes. So he goes rushing off somewhere else in the desert. I guess he was just being a lazy douche. Although it's night now so maybe he just didn't want to run in the heat. I get that. Hot weather sucks.

After Deadshot left Black Manta, he went out to smoke a cigarette with that kid from when this story arc began. Yay! We've finally caught up to the moment that didn't make me interested in this story like it was probably supposed to since it was Ryan's choice to introduce us to this story! After Deadshot finishes his cigarette, he decides to go back and rescue Captain Boomerang, Parasite, and Harley, although Harley has already saved herself.

The issue ends with Black Manta confessing to Saladin that he came to The League to destroy it but has changed his mind and would like forgiveness. Saladin doesn't respond but he does smile one of those smiles that says, "Woo-hoo! I'm getting a blow job!"

New Suicide Squad #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. Ever since the break due to Convergence, this book has finally found the story it has been needing to tell. The characters on the team are no longer just names chosen to attract the most people to the book. They're still partially that though. You can tell because Harley Quinn is still on the team. But Sean Ryan has found voices for the various members that have made them interesting. This is the first time the book has felt like the team I remember reading when Ostrander was writing the series decades ago. If the Annual offers a satisfying end to this story arc, I might even raise the ranking of the book due to the Annual which is basically going against my usual rules. The only thing this book lacks now is some characters that can be killed off. Hopefully next month, some new members will be added to the team and they won't be more characters who obviously won't be killed off. Let's see some fodder next month, Mister Ryan!

New Suicide Squad #11

Greatest book cover to exist since book covers were invented that time that guy threw a goat hide on top of the ten commandments.

Last issue ended with Captain Boomerang given a death sentence for teaching a bunch of children how to play soccer. That's fair. This issue begins with Deadshot wondering why his teammates never came home the night before. My guess is that one of them is dead and the other one is pissing on the first one's grave. Manta didn't really like Boomerang. Hell, nobody really likes Boomerang! But he can't actually die in the Suicide Squad because he's a team staple! Even if this is an entirely new universe and an entirely new Suicide Squad, it just can't be the same without Deadshot and Captain Boomerang on it. It definitely doesn't need Harley Quinn though. I won't mind if she's killed.

Could you imagine if DC Comics allowed Sean Ryan to kill Harley Quinn? DC Comics has made some bad decisions in the past but I'm fairly certain they're smart enough to recognize a cash cow when it's abused by its psychotic boyfriend and then is left by him and then has nothing to do but make DC money in a number of other comic book titles, unshackled from Gotham City.

Deadshot finds Black Manta but Captain Boomerang is in jail for corrupting the youth. I hope nobody ever busts me on youth corruption charges. I don't think they would stick because I know in at least five of my commentaries, I tell kids they shouldn't be reading my commentaries! I think I did my due diligence!

Black Manta has become sympathetic with The League because he's a weak-willed jerk. Why else would he be the arch-nemesis of Aquaman? If he had any imagination or ambition, he'd move on up to being Booster Gold's nemesis or Cyborg's nemesis. But now he's enjoying being a terrorist because they're super serious and hate goofing off which is how Black Manta describes himself on his Tinder page.

Back at Belle Reve, Amanda Waller's soon to be skinny friend has some intel that she probably shouldn't share in front of Vic Sage since he's secretly working for Checkmate. Probably.

The whole point of the Suicide Squad is so that the government has plausible deniability! So nobody should really care about ally targets being destroyed by Task Force X operatives.

Bonnie's idea is to have the extraction team keep the main team from blowing up the Lazarus Pit Duplication Factory but without compromising the mission. That seems like a dumb idea because Harley Quinn and the Parasite are absolutely certain to compromise the mission. Also, I don't want anybody to stop this mission. The more ways for characters to be resurrected which are destroyed in this comic book, the better.

The mercenaries protecting the Corvus Factory are members of the Pearl Group. That's the group who tried to recruit Vic Sage. So I guess he's not working for Checkmate but for this group I've never heard of before. That must be why he was so eager to stop the destruction of this factory that really, really, really needs to be destroyed.

A huge battle takes place but none of it matters much. It's just League guys battling Pearl Group guys and who cares about any of those guys?! But then Deadshot gets a chance to shine! Apparently he sucks at shooting people ever since Deathstroke tortured him. Deadshot is also addicted to pain pills now. So I guess he's totally useless. Maybe he should die instead of Harley! All the new readers coming to this comic book because of the movie expect him to be black now anyways, right? So kill Floyd and put a new guy under the mask. What do I care?! I've only been a Floyd Lawton fan for thirty years!

Before Deadshot has a chance to be useful, the extraction team arrives to muck up the entire plan.

A frozen Parasite is not a dead Parasite. Nice attempt, Suicide Squad, but eleven issues in and you still haven't earned your comic book title.

The League wins the battle because the extraction team was terrible at their job. Reverse Flash was blasted far from the battle and possibly into a low Earth orbit while The Parasite and Harley were taken captive. Black Manta has proven his loyalty to Saladin, the leader of The League, either because he loves him or he's just really good at his job. My suspicion is that Black Manta is good at his job because he's basically a loner. I think that's why he loves being Aquaman's nemesis. Who needs a whole gang full of thugs and henchmen when you're battling fishboy?

New Suicide Squad #11 Rating: No change. This issue was mostly fighting with a twist that already took place in the first story arc (a teammate turning traitor) but which will be a twist on that twist (Black Manta is just acting and doesn't really enjoy the taste of Saladin's asshole as much as it seems)! The comic book didn't continue getting better like it did the last two issues but it didn't falter either. It was just light on plot and heavy on guns being shot. I guess the other big revelation this issue was that the Pearl Group who was courting Victor Sage is a mercenary organization. So they're rivals to the Suicide Squad and they've got a plant in Belle Reve with access to Amanda Waller. If Sean Ryan is into twists for the sake of twists, it'll wind up that Vic Sage turned down the Pearl Group offer and is really trying to work with Waller while Bonnie is the actual spy! I'm not a fan of that twist and prefer to simply have the story play straight with the reader but it's not a totally improbable twist. It just feels like if it happens, it happened because comic book writers and editors never want anybody to guess where the story is going. Look at what happened in Armageddon back in the nineties when it was obvious that Monarch was Captain Atom. But it was so obvious that it was Captain Atom that DC decided that it better not be Captain Atom at all and they made it Hawk instead which made no sense. I guess in later years they gave the Monarch job to Captain Atom but I wasn't around to read about it.

New Suicide Squad #10

Killed by camels. Worst Squad ever.

I haven't pretended to do anything exciting lately so I'll just get on with reading the comic book.

Oh wait! I have one thing I want to mention! The clerk at one of the stores on my floor cleaning route last night is new. I thought I recognized his name--Dolfin--from way back in October and asked him if he began working at the 7-11 then. He said he wasn't even in the country in October. So I asked him where he was from and he said, "Ethiopia. It's a country in Africa." Thanks for embarrassing me, Americans! This guy thinks I don't know where Ethiopia is because you're all stupid jerks who can't bother to learn Geography! Of course I know where Ethiopia is! Rock stars saved it from starvation in the eighties with "We Are the World" and Michael Bread! After that video came out, nothing bad ever happened in Africa ever again.

Oh, I'm sorry for jumping all over you, Americans. It's not your fault our educational system is Eurocentric and we never actually learn anything about the individual countries of Africa. Is it our fault that we're taught to think of Africa as a continent and not as a whole bunch of nations as individualized and different from each other as the nations of Europe? Maybe if a World War had erupted there instead of just being the backdrop for some exciting tank battles we'd actually be taught something about the place.

This is a map of Africa based on my entire public education. I didn't include Ethiopia because I learned about it from MTV.

The issue begins with the Squad's League guide showing them around The League's school because even for a terrorist organization, education is important. Why is education so undervalued in America? I think it's because you don't have to be smart to get rich in a capitalist democracy. You simply need to be unethical, ruthless, and driven to make money at any cost. How does knowing a place called "Mauritania" exists help put dollars in my pocket?! Unless, you know, I can manipulate the people of Mauritania for my own ends. Can I do that?

Captain Boomerang is all, "But what does anybody do for fun around here?!"

Ugh. Work and extreme dedication are the worst.

Captain Boomerang (who is probably just Boomerang now but since that's a Marvel character, I'll keep referring to him as Captain Boomerang) gets his head slammed into the ground for daring to care about leisure activities and speaking flippantly. I would not fit into this League place at all!

I wish Captain Boomerang were not Australian but American so I could identify with him!

Meanwhile the Extraction Team is hanging out in the desert engaging in tomfoolery. Harley keeps shooting Parasite with rocket propelled grenades. Reverse-Flash is worried that it might attract undue attention but he doesn't seem to care that every time he runs at super speed he causes a sandstorm. You don't think anybody is going to notice that, Daniel? Reverse-Flash is Daniel West, right? It's so confusing having a Professor Zoom and a Reverse-Flash!

Last issue I was beginning to turn around on Sean Ryan writing this book. By this exchange, I'm completely on board.

Sean Ryan has found his mojo (unless it's his groove) on this title. Before Convergence, it was just a showcase for a bunch of high profile DC Characters. They were just names on the page to pull in readers. After Conversion, Sean Ryan is treating the super villains like people. He seems to have figured out the voices he wants to give to each of them and he's doing the best job I've seen on the Suicide Squad since The New 52 began. If he can keep up what he's been doing for the last issue and a half (minus the first three or four pages of last issue!), this comic might become a contender for my favorite DC comic book. And that's not an easy task to accomplish. I just wanted to get some actual review soundbites out of the way before slipping back into making fun of the comic book. Y'all often seem overly concerned when you can't tell if I actually like a book or not so now you know where I stand on the New Suicide Squad as of Issue #9.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage charms Amanda's assistant Bonnie into giving him a tour of the place. That jerk is working for Checkmate, isn't he?! Spy! Spy!

This is the scene where, if I were in the audience and it were taking place in front of me on stage, I would turn to my football player buddy and we'd high five as if we had something to do with it.

The Squad's first mission with The League (and hopefully their only mission since they should learn about The League weapons which is the first bullet point of the mission. After that, Bullet Point #2 is "kill lots of The League as you turn in your two week notice") will be to destroy a factory that is trying to synthesize Lazarus Pits. Because, as Tomorrow Thief puts it, "man was meant to die." Exactly! That's why the original incarnation of the Suicide Squad was so awful with Amanda's Lazarus Protocol in which she kept all of the Squad members alive. What a stupid plot point that was! Hopefully the Squad resists taking the factory for themselves! This team is packed full of heroes that aren't going to die, so it's probably tempting to throw in another resurrection device so that high profile members can be killed. But that really screws with the tension of the series and is the worst place a writer can go with it. I'm hoping this League guy's speech is simply Sean Ryan's way of emphasizing how idiotic the Lazarus idea was.

Boomer doesn't even want to go on the mission. He figures they saw the armory and that's good enough to tick the box on Bullet Point #1. But Black Manta wants to stay for the mission to find out as much as they can. But Boomer's all, "You heard they don't have weekends, right?!" And Black Manta is all, "I hate weekends! Aquaman loves weekends!" Boomer walks out to get some air while Deadshot sits around avoiding taking sides. Although he really can't take Black Manta's side since Black Manta seems to be falling in love with The League's ideals.

Later that night, Black Manta goes out on curfew patrol with the League Liaison (who might be Tomorrow Thief still but since I don't totally remember what he looks like and his name hasn't been mentioned in the comic, I just keep referring to him as their guide or liaison). They go to investigate the sounds of fun near the children's dorm and find Digger playing soccer with the kids. Captain Boomerang really never knows when to not poke authority. If Waller was never able to fully tame him, how is The League going to? They're probably only 15% as scary as Amanda Waller.

Digger is like Ozzy Osbourne and Socrates!

New Suicide Squad #10 Rating: +5 Ranking. I don't know what happened to Sean Ryan during Convergence but it must have been magical because he somehow returned with a Suicide Squad I don't think I've seen for many years. The characters all have distinctive voices now. Ryan's treating them as people and not costumes which is exactly how these characters need to be written. This book is not supposed to be about the flashy, popular characters. It's about severely broken people trying desperately to find something to live and fight for. Plus sometimes it's just about a few crazy criminals thrown on the team by Amanda Waller as fodder so the title actually means something. I truly hope this book can continue at this level (or better! Getting even better would be better!) but I hope Sean Ryan has found his center on this thing and has fallen in love with the characters he's writing. I would cross my fingers but I'll probably need them uncrossed to masturbate later.

New Suicide Squad #9

New Suicide Squad Death Toll: 0 (Men-Bat don't count)

The issue begins with Floyd Lawton getting a light from a small boy. He's smoking his cigarette in the rubble of some war-torn city. He's enjoying a quiet moment under the stars. Am I hooked from this opening? Have I been left wondering, "Where is Floyd? What has happened? Did he suck that small boy's dick for the cigarette?" Hey, you ask your questions; I'll ask mine.

By the way, I wasn't left wondering any of that. I was left thinking, "Am I supposed to feel something here?" Maybe I can force myself to feel something! I hope I don't prolapse my rectum from the strain though.

I'll get to the part where I try to force myself to feel something later. For now I'd like to point out that page four begins "Four weeks earlier." That means the first three pages where Floyd bums a cigarette off the kid and does a little stargazing was supposed to hook me. I was supposed to be wondering what happened and feeling a tingling excitement begin to radiate across my frontal lobe. Or whichever part of the brain causes curiosity and feelings. The heart part of it, maybe?

So four weeks earlier, Floyd is still hanging out in Belle Reve. I bet I don't learn anything about him in the next few scenes! I bet Nick Lachey reveals more about himself in the Twix advert than Sean Ryan reveals about Deadshot.

Lawton is brought into the briefing room to learn about a new mission. His trigger finger is completely healed because Deathstroke isn't very good at ending careers, I guess.

Am I supposed to know who the cheery dude is?

The chirpy guy can only be one of two people, right? Reverse-Flash or Boomerang. I assume it's Boomerang but why is he so perky? I would totally approve if that were his personality and he completely got on Lawton's nerves all the time because he was so happy-go-lucky. But I have a better chance of fisting an elephant than having an upbeat member of the Suicide Squad. Oh, sure, Harley is upbeat. But she's a special case and she's only on the Squad to sell comic books. I want a real member that greets every day with a smile.

The next page doesn't reveal who the other white inmate is so I guess I'm supposed to have already figured it out from the superb art and the outstanding way Sean Ryan differentiates his characters. I'm sure the problem is inside my own head. Although Victor Sage is back and working side by side with Amanda Waller, so I guess somebody straightened out that problem. Maybe Amanda put a nanobomb in Vic's head too?

Manta mouths off, Vic asks him politely to let Amanda finish, and Amanda thanks Vic. Who are these people?

Waller's mission briefing consists of a long speech about some group calling themselves The League (modern cool minimalist directness or unimaginative pap? You decide!) splintered off from The League of Assassins. Her main point is that they're very, very dangerous. But it isn't enough to tell comic book fans that some threat is the most ultimate threat imaginable so Sean Ryan has Boomerang(?) say in a poorly punctuated way, "They're bad guys, Waller, we get it." But then Waller says sternly, "No, you don't." HOLY FUCK! The League must be a super duper pooper threat like none ever seen before!

How about this plan? Kill everybody you can on the way in. Don't actually go in. Kill more people. Leave. No?

Except for the first three pages that were just fucking wasted trying to make a moment to hook the reader that really didn't fucking do anything but waste three pages, I'm actually enjoying this book. This could be a decent core for the new Suicide Squad: Lawton, Digger, and Black Manta (who I think has a name in The New 52 but never did before so it's not in my memory pipe). Now they just need a handful of characters that the reader will actually believe might be killed, and this'll be a real Suicide Squad.

But fuck man. Those three wasted pages are killing me. That's money out of my pocket!

The other three members of the team are Harley, Reverse-Flash (whose name isn't hyphenated in the panel in which he's introduced so now I'm questioning my choice to hyphenate!), and Parasite. Seems like another team with no disposable members. There's a slight chance Parasite will "die" but he'll come back again having regained his life through sucking the life energy out of other people or something. Or they could just get a new Parasite. Maybe some DC Editor just never took to Bike Messenger Slacker Parasite. Was it too on the nose?

I can live with this team and this banter. This makes me feel like I'm reading the team I used to love.

The infiltration team of Deadshot, Boomerang, and Manta are sent into Turkey to meet up with Tomorrow Thief. When last we saw the Tomorrow Thief, he had been thrown into a volcanic lake and left to drown by Mister Terrific. I guess he didn't drown. But he did lose his French accent! Bon riddance!

Tomorrow Thief takes the crew to meet with the members of The League who test infidels trying to enter their ranks. They're tortured and quizzed and eventually thrown into a cell. Presumably they passed or else they'd be dead. Later they're taken to a desert where three "heroes" are frozen solid. The three Squad members are given baseballs and told to shatter the frozen people. Sure! Why not? They're already dead, right? I mean, I know in comic books, you can be completely frozen in ice and survive without any problems as long as somebody melts you out. But since it probably wouldn't really work that way, these people are dead. And not like Lawton, Harkness, or Manta have never killed anybody anyway! It's practically the main point of every mission. It's like the second or third bullet point on this mission's list of objectives.

They're videotaped by The League smashing these people into ice cubes after which they receive warm fuzzies from The League's leader and wander off into Part Two.

New Suicide Squad #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. The first part of their mission is a success! And nobody died! I mean, nobody important on the Squad died! Which normally I'd whine and moan about but members aren't supposed to die every issue. The reader just has to believe that there is a chance that one of them might die. Right now, I don't believe any members will die. But I'm actually enjoying this series again. Can we lock in the characterizations now? This is a good place for these guys to be. Except for Vic Sage. Who cut off his balls? My guess is he's working for Checkmate and he was told to play nice with Amanda until he gets his orders from Bishop.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #8

Time for a new crew! Please make this crew less happy, fuzzy, warm, and funtimey.

Go fuck yerselfs, you Goddamned Kiddies. Uncle Fuzzy has a new fuggink co-host and her name is MacGulloghoch or some shit. Can anybody read this whisky bottle to Uncle Fuzzy? Did I get it right? How do you pronounce "G" "H"s in Scottish? Is that where you sound like yer coughin' up a huge loogie? Why is Uncle Fuzzy aksin you dumb kids, right? Where are yous anyway? Did Chimps and Toffers or whatever take you down inta da Huggy Basement? Bah. Fuck. Come here, you bitch MacGulloghogh! Piss yer sweet nectar inta Uncle Fuzzy's drinking hole! Somebody run a cartoon or somefin cause I need ta fall down.

"Oh no, Mistah J! I am going to be squarshed by a Daily Planet globe," screamed Harley Quinn at the end of the last episode. Remember that? Remember how the rest of the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad thought it was going to be pretty funny watching Harley smashed into clown paint? "Ha ha," they all joked. "Ha ha!" They were already thinking of witty things to say after Harley Quinn was crushed by a globe. "Harley once knew what it was like to be on top of the world," Black Manta couldn't wait to snicker and then finish, "And now the world knows what it is like to be on top of Harley!" "I ain't joey digger Sheila boomarang, mate!" would be Captain Boomerang's joke but nobody would understand the slang and it wouldn't come off very well. "Knock knock!" Reverse-Flash would start and then be terribly disappointed when nobody said, "Who's there?" Red Goldstar, not having a sense of humor because he is Chinese and they are not allowed to laugh by government mandate, decided to save Harley Quinn because he didn't know what else to do with all the time it took for the giant globe to fall to Harley.

*snurk* *cough* Urk! Um, hey? I fink Uncle Fuzzy might have goned blind. Is anybody round? Do I have my dick in my hands? Some'un take it outta my hands, okay? Anybody wanna touch it? Chimps? Tokers? Any...oh God. Um. Errrwwwwww. Errrwwwwww. Wha...what's dat smell?

See the Chinese Military arrive? See how mad they are? "Nobody tells jokes!" they say in Chinese. "Nobody laughs!" "I do not speak Chinese at all," says Captain Boomerang because Black Manta might speak Chinese so he might not say that. "I think I can beat dozens of men with guns with my simple boomerang," he declares. He also says, "Plus I might have dropped the 'Captain' from my name so Grunion Guy should stop calling me that. He will never be taken seriously as a comic book reviewer if he cannot even get the character's names right." Black Manta says, "Yes! I can punch all of these soldiers with guns before they can shoot their bullets into my soft flesh! Let us fight them because this is the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad and not the Suicide Squad so we have plot immunity to death!" "Yes!" says Harley. "Yes! I will kick them with my dislocated leg which might have been put on backwards somehow. But they will be surprised when I kick them! They will say, 'I did not know she was facing the right way for her leg to kick me while I was standing behind her!' But they will say it in Chinese so you will have to take my English words for it." Red Goldstar watches and says, "Mon Dieu!" But he says it in Chinese and changes "Dieu" to whatever communists have replaced gods with. Concrete slabs covered in metal signs full of rules to follow?

Why...why is Unkka Fuzzy's face hot? Whas goin' on? *cough cough* Smoke? Chimms! I tole you no smokink! Chims! Wait. Why...ow. OW! Fire? Fire! Oh fuck! My building. My ducktank! My puppets! My cock! Errrwwwwwww. Errrrwwwww *cough cough* Ugh. Oh Christ. Vomit in my nasal passerges. Oh, that's the worst. *spit* *spit* Ugh. Ugh. OW! Shit. Chimps?! Help!

See the successful mission? It was a fiasco! That is quite a good result for a government task force. After the mission, Black Manta says, "I am retiring. I would like to talk about my pension now." Amanda Waller says, "Ha ha! That is a good joke, prisoner, Do you think I look fat in this skirt?" And Black Manta says, "No, not at all. But that shirt makes you look like a horribly unethical person." Amanda Waller scowls, "How dare you! I am very ethical when it comes to animals and to people that have not broken the law! When you broke the law, your personhood was constitutionally taken from you!" "You are a worse human being than everybody that goes on the missions for you!" truths Black Manta. "Oh my god why do I even talk to you?!" says Amanda before shoving her face into a bucket of curly fries.

Well, Kiddies. I think this's the end of Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad. I hated every minit uv it, you stupid dumb pricks. I hope this fire burns down the whole fuckin' city. Oh god my feet hurt so much. Why is fire so hot? Where is Miss Macghologhollogh. Comfort me in my final minits, sweetie. *glug glug* Ow. Why are you on fire? OW. OW! Oh fuck it.

Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least Red Goldstar is still alive. I still hope he joins the team. Well, I said I wasn't going to refer to this comic book as Suicide Squad until somebody died and I think Uncle Fuzzy counts as a death. So the show's over and Mister Chimps is now a wealthy sidekick since he owns all the rights to the Happy Fuzzy Warm Funtime Squad Theme Song, the only part of the show that ever made any money anyways. So it's back to Suicide Squad in a couple of months.