Batman Eternal #41

Gross! This cover makes me wish the Comics Code Authority still existed! I've never seen this much semen come out of a anybody's head ever! And I've watched a goodly share of bukake porn!

This cover looks a lot like one of the spreads from that magazine I found in the bushes when I was a youngster. It was called Girls Who Eat Cum. How is it we live in a world where parents and congress and some guy named Fredric were once concerned about children reading books with werewolves in them but a magazine all about men coming on women's faces was able to make it on the newsstands? Who was the genius who greenlit that project?

Cum Loving Genius: "You know what the world needs? More graphic porn highlighting men ejaculating on women's faces!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Okay but where in the world are we going to sell this magazine?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Wherever they sell blow up dolls and rubber vaginas!"
Non-Genius Partner: "Don't you think there's a limited audience for this? Do you think we'll sell enough copies to even pay the women eating the cum?"
Cum Loving Genius: "Just pay one woman and buy some wigs! And don't pay the men. They'll be happy just participating!"
Non-Genius Partner: "I don't know. This feels wrong. And I just got done putting the final touches on Stuff In Butts Monthly!"

If there has never been a magazine called Stuff In Butts, I will be so fucking disappointed in you, America.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics! Nothing ever offends me and even I'm offended by your new rag, Children Who Eat Cum!

Red Robin and Harper Row are keeping an eye on these cum devouring kids because they're being controlled by somebody. The kids are out stealing materials day and night then delivering them to a warehouse where they're building a huge metal phallus. Maybe that's why they're gathering so much cum! This phallus needs to be filled somehow.

Meanwhile Spoiler is knocked out by some guy in motocross protective gear who says he's been paid to protect her. I suppose unconscious people are easier to protect. Plus when he carries her to wherever he's going to protect her, he can touch her butt. Not in an erotic way! Just in that way where you casually touch it with your hand so that...okay, yeah. In an erotic way.

Why are butts so sexy? We all know poop comes out of them, right?

Where'd Barbara Gordon go? Who is this new, snottier version of Batgirl?! I love her! Look at how big her chin and cheek is! Can you imagine how much cum could splash across that?

The still living Batkids swing into action and bust into the warehouse to save the children from their new, horrible diet. I wonder if Batgirl will see the giant penis they're building and say, "What is that thing? A big pink rocket or something?" See, she's never seen a penis before! Well, maybe she saw one on her friend's phone but there was a glare from the sun on the screen and the shot was fuzzy and dark because nobody who sends dick pics really knows how to light them well. Also she might have sucked one the first night in her new apartment in the Burnside neighborhood but she was too drunk to remember, even if she does have an eidetic memory.

Harper Row stays behind because Red Robin is all, "You can't come. Blah blah blah. I'm a fucking bigshot sidekick and you're just a nobody nothing!" And Harper mumbles, "I'll show you. I'm gonna be Bluebird or something and then you'll see. Stupid Red Robin. Blue is so much better. Dumb male idiot man."

Ha ha ha! See? What'd I tell you? Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Red Robin is all, "Um, uh...well it's...uh, Todd?" And Red Hood is all, "It's a fucking cock, Batgirl! A huge, veiny, throbbing trouser snake! It's not as big as mine though." And Batgirl turns bright red and goes, "Oh! Um, I knew that! I've seen so many! Duh! I was just joking!"

The Batkids discover that The Mad Hatter is behind the kids building the phallus. Of course he is! It's mind control, isn't it? Who else does mind control in Gotham City? No, seriously, who else does it? There must be more than just the idiot Jervis Tetch.

Harper Row tries to warn Red Robin to get out before the Mad Hatter does whatever the Mad Hatter is going to do. It probably has something to do with cum splashing all over Red Robin's face on the cover of this issue. I guess he's going to turn the gigantic phallus on Tim and shoot off a load.

The Batkids become assimilated (although the nanobots prefer to say "acclimated" because that makes it different somehow) and now only Harper Row is left to save them! But will she go against Red Robin's command that she not be a sidekick! Remember how he said she has a choice to continue living her normal life that's not really that normal but at least she isn't swinging around Gotham at midnight on a Wayne Tech Grappling Hook? Will she don a costume to save her brother? Did I use the word "don" correctly? Isn't that usually a name?!

I think I'd recognize her by her piercings. And her butt.

Batman Eternal #41 Rating: No change. I really enjoyed this issue since it concentrated on the Batkids. But I think it's already ranked right about where it should be ranked (if not, maybe, a bit too high). So no change! But I do think a book that focused on the Batkids in Gotham would be a fun book. DC Comics should do that. It should be a thing.

Futures End #37

John's okay. He keeps his heart in a hollowed out ruby in a sack made from the flesh of fifteen infants and stashed behind the commode.

Everybody in the House of Mystery seems surprised that Constantine isn't dead after being stabbed through the heart by Amethyst. Obviously none of them have been paying attention to anything. Constantine never dies. People near Constantine die! It is possible only Deadman is truly surprised and Zatanna is thinking, "Bah, he's just astrally projecting," and Madame Xanadu is thinking, "I knew this was going to happen."

Constantine's visit allows for Amethyst to remind everybody what happened on Gemworld for some reason. They were all there in her memory, so why is she explaining it to everybody?! The story reminds everybody that Constantine trapped the forces of Apokolips in Gemworld and saved everything. Maybe not all the forces of Apokolips but at least the forces that would have brought back Eclipso Technology to use against the Earth. But since he also trapped all the residents of Gemworld with the army of parademons, Amethyst is a little bit upset. But even though she hates him and just tried to kill him, she decides to let him help save Frankenstein. Sellout.

Why couldn't Madame Xanadu tell them this?! She's so useless!

I think I just pulled a muscle lifting a liter of Pepsi to my lips. I should probably stretch before drinking soda. I also wonder if anybody would be offended that I'm using The Holy Bible for a coaster?

I thought the "King James Version" on the Bible would be clearer. At least I'm not using that massive family Bible off to the right for my coaster! I'd need a much bigger drink for that.

On the Justice League satellite, Madison and Jason reconfigure the teleportation system so they can replicate the accident that caused them to merge. They're hoping to split and they're basing their experiment on the solid theory that one bump to the head causes amnesia while a second bump to the head fixes it. It's the oldest science in the book! Unless the book is The Bible. Good luck finding science in that thing!

While they have the teleporter in pieces, Doctor Polaris attacks Metropolis while screaming Firestorm's name. As if superheroes don't have enough trouble already being blamed for the actions of psychotic supervillains. Hopefully this will at least teach Madison to turn all of Doctor Polaris's armor bits into helium next time.

Hey! I just remembered that Jason Rusch wanted Madison to turn that cement truck into a feather but instead she turned it into a teddy bear. Feathers are organic, you jerk! She couldn't have done that even if she'd known what she was doing! At least the teddy bear she created could possibly have been made out of all synthetic materials. That whole organic/inorganic thing is a crazily arbitrary rule anyway. So Firestorm can manipulate the atoms of any element except carbon? What's so special about carbon? Maybe I'm using too stringent a definition of "organic matter" but at least things made of carbon is a rule that can be understood. It's still arbitrary though! I guess carbon bonds are just too tough for even Firestorm to break.

But then again, if we go with the carbon as organic matter rule, Firestorm can't make diamonds? Nobody would consider a diamond organic matter! So maybe Firestorm just can't change "living matter" because that would make Firestorm way too powerful and she'd be polymorphing supervillains left and right. Every villain in the DC Universe would suddenly be a duck in an adorable little costume.

Anyway, their experiment doesn't work. I bet they need Ronnie Raymond's corpse tossed into the mix.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Mercy gets tired of having to watch her tongue around Fifty Sue.

How does Mercy know nothing can survive her touch? Has she touched everything?

Seconds after this happens, everybody shits themselves as Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana Lang disappear along with the Cadmus DNA vault. I suppose Fifty Sue wants to figure out who her fifty-two real mothers and fathers are.

Then Mister Terrific gets a terrifying message from Brainiac that he's watching Mister Terrific as he lifts weights. Okay, so Brainiac is gay. That's a cool revelation. What isn't a cool revelation is that everybody is going batshit and apeshit and every other animal shit insane to be the first person in the world with a uSphere. What the hell is so exciting about new technology that is basically just old technology with one or two new features? People that line up for events at Apple Stores are fucking douches! Even if you are one of my readers! You shouldn't feel too bad about being a douche because of that though. At least you're being a douche in a harmless and inoffensive manner. I'm a douche because I call other people douches simply for doing things they enjoy! I'm a bitter old man douche!

That first guy in line had better be making money on being first in line! Either getting paid to hold the spot for some lazy asshole or maybe just holding the spot to sell to whoever wants to be the first with a uSphere badly enough. If I were the second guy in line, I'd either go home or poison the first guy. Who is going to want to hear your story about being "second in line!" to get a uSphere? I'll tell you who! Your mother!

Then Constantine gets his cigarette knocked out of his mouth by Superman and is lucky he doesn't lose any teeth. Superman is also lucky Constantine doesn't lose any teeth because Clark Kent does not make enough money to cover a fucking lawsuit. And you know Constantine knows some good lawyers that probably owe him the souls of their daughters. Constantine thinks Brainiac is going to land in Smallville while Superman just thinks Constantine is a fucking dick. He'd never say that though! Ma raised him better than that. And then she died horrifically in a car accident when he was seventeen. See where being nice got you, Ma?!

Then Terry McBatman gets punched in the face by Tim Drake and afterward Tim Drake wonders why his fist smells like vagina and gunpowder.

This is why!

Then Joker McBatman attacks everything and the comic book is over forever. Or at least until Wednesday.

Futures End #37 Rating: No change. Batman McBatman probably could have stopped Joker McBatman before he began raining bullets down on Tim and Terry but he was still trying to stuff his cum dripping, semi-hard cock back into his pants. For those who don't remember last issue, he was jerking off while watching Plastique and Terry fuck. Seriously! Maybe. Whatever. Am I not allowed to have my own headcanon where every character in the DC universe loves to masturbate?

Detective Comics #38

Great. Now The Flash is 75?!

DC Comics should really remove the "Batman" from the title of this comic book. There's no reason it couldn't also feature Harvey Bullock or Renee Montoya every month. They're detectives too. Although if I remember correctly, Montoya hasn't appeared in The New 52 yet, so she might not be a detective. But they could feature Maggie Sawyer instead! Because she's a lesbian. I mean, a detective. I mean, she is both but she'd be in this book because she's a detective and not because she's a lesbian. Although DC might sell more copies of this comic book if it were retitled to "Batman: Lesbian Comics."

Last issue ended with Wayne Tower being lit up like Hester Prynne's dress. This issue will probably begin with Batman chuckling over the fact that the government is going to have to pay for all the damage while he simply walks away from the huge mess.

Christmas morning for Gotham begins with a televised message from Anarky full of the spirit of the holiday.

The greatest warden in this prison is the one that causes people to think, after they've read this statement, "Right! Everybody but me."

Anarky's present to everybody is a Rip-off Guy Fawkes mask and the erasure of any record of who they are. The people of Gotham are now ghosts to bureaucracy! They're free of the shackles of their permanent records! Their bank accounts have been emptied and they...whoa whoa whoa! Why ya gotta take our money, bruh? I mean, I was with you right up until you made me poor and homeless. Can't we do this anarchy thing in baby steps?

At least Batman had nothing to lose, or he'll now have nothing to lose when the Government takes all of his shit, depending on when this story takes place. I'm sure an editor told me last issue but that detail is long gone, taken by despair, alcohol, and the constant decay of time.

Apparently the erasure of everybody's identity doesn't faze the vapid local morning television personalities because they continue on with their day calling each other by the names they've always called each other and not wearing their masks. What is wrong with these morons?! You've been freed from the least important and most annoying job on the planet! You can do anything you want now! Stop reporting on idiotic local bullshit! Stop reminding people every five minutes that you're the best source for local news at a time that your station chose specifically because no other local stations present news at that hour! Go do something worthwhile! Lie in the park for five hours just watching the clouds! Write a goddamn poem with the word fuck in it! Go buy a kid's BMX bike and learn to bunny hop! Spin until you vomit! Masturbate off the top of a fifty story building and let your seed and/or vaginal secretions fly in the wind! Punch your stupid, smarmy weatherman on national television and kick him in the balls in front of the green screen! Don't you idiots understand the gift you've been given?! Anarky even gave you a literal gift because you're all so hung up on the use of the word "literal"!

Who could this Anarky possibly be? I bet it's Detective Yip!

Bullock begins sniffing around councilman Sam Young as a suspect in the Jeb Lester murder. That means that Sam Young definitely isn't Anarky because Bullock is a terrible detective and not the world's greatest at all, no matter what his mug says!

Batman continues the investigation as well. He doesn't question Sam Young at all because he knows Bullock is questioning him which means Sam Young can't possibly be Anarky. Instead, Batman does some field work as Matches Malone and then heads into Blackgate as Batman to threaten the Mad Hatter some more. Just for fun, I suppose.

Batman's good time rough 'em up gets interrupted by a robbery at Gotham National because most people think that anarchy equals crime. So now that they've been cut loose from the grid and can do anything they want, they decide that murder and mayhem could be fun. That doesn't make any sense to me. If you're living your life in an ethical manner only because you feel constrained by the laws of the land, you might be a sociopath! Or a teenager.

Batman busts up the bank robbery which ends in a chase which ends in Detective Yip shooting a fleeing subject and killing an innocent citizen. Some witnesses nearby choose to believe Batman killed the kid because everybody was given the gift of freedom, right? So why wouldn't Batman suddenly begin killing unarmed citizens?! It's practically a freebie.

But now that Detective Yip has completely fucked up at her job, Detective Bullock probably has a chance with her! They already both love peeing analogies! Now they're both shit at their jobs. They were made for each other!

Detective Comics #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sometimes when reading a piece of entertainment, you have to allow the writer to make certain claims and then you have to trust those claims as being true for at least as long as the piece. So you (and possibly I, but being the author of the piece, what kind of control do I really have over its interpretation) may not think that Bullock is the worst detective ever. But if you just let your belief go and accept the fact that he is the worst while reading this, it might be more enjoyable. Then you can sit back and yell out loud as you read, "Yes! Bullock totally is the worst ever! Ha ha!"

Action Comics #38

Oh god. This comic book just keeps getting scarier and scarier.

Because my father never paid any attention to me, the world now has this blog! And the only thing I've learned from it is that maybe my father was right! I'm not worth paying attention to! I don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough to read a Superman story about him returning home to find his parents waiting for him. They're going to be so sweet and nice and perfect and, even though they'll be soul sucking alien monsters, I'm still going to be envious of Clark!

This issue is called "Home is Where the Hell Is" because right?

The story begins with a flashback of eight year old Clark meeting He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Unless it's a dream. Or a hallucination. Clark can't think this is a real memory. No adult would be naive enough to believe in a god-monster that lives out in the corn fields commanding children to kill their parents. That's as silly as an immortal clown that needs a huge sacrifice every thirty years to sustain it. Or a jealous car with a will of its own! Or people calling a deadly flu Captain Trips! What a bunch of silly nonsense.

Now what is Clark up against? Some kind of "fire starter"?

Lana disappears down the end of the hallway which grows and grows and grows and now probably takes about five and a half minutes to walk down. And that's when it happens. That's when he hears his parents call out to him from the next room. Shit. I guess Smallville was established on an old Micmac burial ground.

Sometimes dead is better. Ayuh!

Clark's parents are really just the Smallville monster having a laugh at Clark's expense. But the monster is pretty good at his mimicry which causes Superman to feel a bit guilty when he thinks about how he's going to have to beat the crap out of his parents' corpses.

Untrue, Martha! The angriest person is probably the most intelligent person who is completely and utterly frustrated with having to deal with fucking stupid morons on a constant fucking basis.

Platitudes are right, Martha. Don't let anybody ever convince you that your demeanor in an argument or a debate somehow indicates how right or wrong or innocent or guilty you are. Every time I see one of those fucking true crime dramas narrated by that self-righteous lich Keith Morrison where he interviews people whose sole reason for believing somebody's guilt is due to the way the person didn't react the way they expected them to react, I realize that if I were ever to be a suspect in a murder investigation, I wouldn't stand a chance. Police guts and prosecutor intuition would deem me guilty as soon as they met me.

Clark finds out that Lana has been taken by one of the monsters and is thoroughly enjoying her memory of all the horror movies she saw as a kid. And then Clark is left alone to rebury the corpses of his parents. How is Clark going to figure out the mystery of Horrorville without Batman's help.,Or at the very least, a strong understanding of the culture of American horror stories.

Speaking of horror movies, I'm currently about an hour into Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives! It's not quite as bad as Part V but only barely. They spend even more time with overly goofy characters because the awful trend in horror in the eighties was to mix in as much comedy as gore. But the gore can't even compare to the first four movies. Just like Part V, they rely on lots of reaction shots of the person about to die then quick cuts to the weapon being thrust or swung or stabbed and then a cut back to the person dead with the weapon already in their head or stomach or whatever. At least they had the decency to basically ignore Part V. Jason Voorhees wasn't cremated like was mentioned in Part V and Tommy is played by another actor which helps me rationalize that Part V was just one of Tommy's psychotic hallucinations while in the mental hospital. One interesting aspect of this one that I'd forgotten is that it actually takes place at a summer camp full of children. The only problem is you know none of the kids are going to be killed. Although if this had been filmed in the 70s, those cabins full of kids would wind up being a bloodbath!

Once again, the movie was full of one-dimensional stereotypes. I guess that's not too different from any of the movies that never really tried too hard to flesh out the characters. They're mostly just fodder for Jason's (or his mom's) killing spree. But it's not really until Part V that they start making the characters over the top exaggerations of single character traits played simply for laughs.

The self-referential metatextual dialogue just seems amateurish and hackneyed. Apparently this movie gets credit for being some kind of Scream precursor but that's like trying to compare Spice World to the The Muppet Movie. They may be similar in execution but one is a work of art and the other is a poorly written movie that couldn't be bothered to think of a plot so they made the plot of the movie making a movie. The latter is Spice World! I said it was poorly written! And yes, I've seen Spice World (in the theater when it was released!) and reviewed it!

The best part of Part VI so far is the soundtrack since there have been three Alice Cooper songs so far. They're from Constrictor which isn't a great album but it's still Cooper! No wait. Two are from Constrictor: Teenage Frankenstein and He's Back. Hard Rock Summer is from I don't fucking know where. Maybe just the soundtrack? I only know it from the Alice Cooper Box Set, The Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper.

Anyway, back on the Kent family farm, the only people in Smallville still not turned into Tommyknockers discuss what to do next. The first thing they need to do is remove the parasites clinging to their backs. But when that proves too difficult, Superman and Steel decide to finally listen to the people of Smallville who are now all psychic superheroes. Yeah, that makes sense. Why the fuck not? All that Lois Lane with psychic powers has apparently crushed my spirit. I'll accept anything now.

The psychic Smallvillians tell Superman he needs to kill all of the monsters. But they're attached to children and it isn't the 1970s, so he's going to have to put on his post-millennial kid gloves to deal with them. Maybe put a helmet on them and tell them that anything is possible and give them all trophies?

Bah, just burn the whole fucking place to the ground.

All of these monsters have come out of the Phantom Zone and Superman needs to put them back and fix the Phantom Zone leak. Are all these creatures native to The Phantom Zone? If that's true, then Jor-el was a fucking dick sending Kryptonian supervillains into a space already inhabited by sentient beings. Or did Jor-el just stick whatever the fuck he didn't like or understand in the Phantom Zone? Maybe Clark put these creatures in the Phantom Zone? Whenever a creature in his menagerie became too hard to take care of, he'd just flush it down the Phantom Zone? Anyway, the people of Smallville were using their powers to keep the leak sealed. But then Superman confused them and now Smallville is full of monsters from Stephen King's The Mist.

Action Comics #38 Rating: No change. I guess Clark can say fucking goodbye to his secret identity. He's been dealing with one psychic person after another and eventually one of them will decide not to keep his secret for him. He's lucky Lois forgot because she'll put anything in print just to get some praise.

Earth 2 #30

Why is everybody worried about Apokolips?! Cthulhu has been awakened!

I'm really not very interested in this comic book any more so I apologize for my mood ahead of time. As that fucking cow Mrs. McFarland noted on my report card, I let my "mood" affect the way I participate. Well excuse me, Mrs. Judgy McMindyourownbeeswax! I began kindergarten at four years old! What kind of four year old doesn't let their mood affect the way they act?!

I should actually be speaking kindly of Mrs. McFarland. She had the patience and took the time to get a kid that stubbornly refused to do anything asked of him to eventually feel comfortable enough to participate in class activities. Throughout my scholastic career, I benefited greatly from teachers knowing when to be hands off and just leave me be (which was often as I tended to flare up and have a huge tantrum whenever I felt an assignment was worthless, or too much extra work). I don't ever remember having a teacher that felt they needed to be so in control that they fought me over any of the shit I adamantly refused to do. It takes a strong and patient teacher to realize that doing nothing can often be a successful solution when dealing with a kid that just will not work within your system (or, as I believe my case quite possibly was, is entirely incapable of working within it). By the end of high school, I had learned the tricks that would get everybody to simply leave me alone. I would pass barely noticed in the back of the class. The main trick was to finish homework assignments. This was easily accomplished by doing homework in class instead of participating. And of course, I had to do well on tests so nobody felt they needed to pay any extra attention to me. Both of these were easy enough, and they seemed to be all parents and teachers cared about. My cousin used to struggle constantly with the homework part, arguing that if he did well on the tests than why does he have to do the homework? That seemed like a nightmare to me! Didn't he know everybody would leave him alone and he'd have more free time to do what he liked if he just did the homework? I didn't give a shit whether or not I was "buying" into the system since I didn't give a shit about the system. All I knew was I could do whatever I wanted after school and he was busy in detention or grounded or being watched over by his mom to make sure he did his work.

After the first few years of elementary school, by about third grade when I met my best friends for years, I was mostly comfortable with school. I spent so much time inside my own head that it barely seemed to matter where my body was. I read a lot and just looked forward to anything that was extra-curricular: reading, singing, recess, lunch! The only thing I truly feared in school were the oral reports. I once gave an oral report on glaciers that was copied word for word out of a fifties encyclopedia. But just as my report began, the geography teacher was called out of the room by another teacher for some hallway mini-conference. He told me to continue and he was gone for the entire report. When he came back in, he asked Simon Raines how I had done and good old Simon simply said it was great. I probably should have slipped him my lunch money that day. Except I always brought a bag lunch. I guess I could have given him my Pringles.

I thought Rot was The Grey?

Why does the Avatar of the Green, who is ostensibly a plant, have breasts? Maybe they're just burls.

At the Parliament Enclave, the colors have gathered to recite poetry. First White goes:

White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
I refract the light! I'm not uptight! I help with flight!
I'm cold at night! And not quite shite despite my bite!
White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
Like the chickens, dog!

White's Avatar was the human that most fit the poem. That human was Sam Zhou.

Green doesn't have a poem but it probably would go something like this:

Green is serene.
Not mean.
It's green.

And that is Alan Scott!

Sure the Blue would follow. Even though Blue's story begins "eons before."

Blue's poem went a little something like this:

"What is madness but wonder unchecked?
Love but the dream of the self bereft?
Knowledge nothing but innocence wrecked?
And what am I to you?

Beauty is simply a mask over death.
Hope exists only when nothing is left.
Life but scant moments spent catching one's breath.
Please, what am I to you?

Was ambition your fear driven by stress?
Success someone else's taken through theft?
Could I've given more? Could you've given less?
I know what I am to you."

And Blue's avatar was the Great Old One, Azathoth! Although it really should be Cthulhu since Cthulhu is the one under the sea and Azathoth is more the scary monstrous something at the edge of dreaming or reality or something.

And then Red gets to do Red's poem although I think Red is a bit more into violence than poetry, so we'll see how that goes.

She's talking about names like slut and cunt and bitch! Unless she's talking about names like skank and cocksucker and butthole! Or sexy and chula and big breasted booty babe!

Red's poem goes something like this:

Library cats are dangerous!
Don't look them in the fucking eye!
Don't touch their feet because they hate that!
Rub their belly if you want to lose your hand!
Library cats! Yes! Library cats!
They're in your chair when you just got up for one fucking second!
Don't try to move them because they'll act like they've been there all day and you don't have any right to your stupid fucking seat!
That one's staring at you and staring at you and staring at you and staring at you!
Do you have meat on your face or something?
No wait! Now it just ran up a shelf and knocked down five books and is licking its paw like nothing fucking happened!
Oh yeah! Library cats!

The Red's avatar is Yolanda Montez. Some people remember her as Wildcat! I call her Library-Cat!

Earth 2 #30 Rating: No change. This book has nothing to do but tell back stories and tell inconsequential tales and do pretty much nothing but waste time since all of the important stuff now happens weekly over in World's End.

Green Arrow #38

Another cover with Ollie way up in the sky with his bow cocked.

At the end of last issue, Hal Jordan managed to arrive on Earth just in the nick of time to catch Ollie, Diggle, and Felicity as they were thrown out of John King's Party Blimp. But Hal is attacked by a flying chess piece with shoulder mounted rockets, so he drops everybody and has to catch them again. He caught them with a net last time instead of a gigantic catcher's mitt. This time he catches them with...hands. Just giant green hands. What does Hal suddenly have against gigantic green catcher's mitts?

Here's a short synopsis of Hal Jordan's trip to Earth to save his buddy and his buddy's bodyguard and his buddy's sex kitten:

Notice anything wrong with it? Where's Guy Gardner whining about Earth being off limits to Green Lanterns?!

Arrow asks Hal to "suit him up" and Green Lantern uses his immensely powerful ring to make clothing and a bow and a quiver of arrows for Oliver. Jesus Christ. Can the Guardians just take his ring away from him already? Why does he keep proving Sinestro right that he has no idea how to use the ring? At least he didn't give Oliver a mace. Granted, Oliver now gets to shoot the most powerful arrows he's ever shot before, so I guess that's a plus in the Hal Jordan sort of knows what he's doing column.

So they beat up the guy in the armor just in time for a commercial break.

This is where I'd write a fake commercial if I gave a shit about what I'm doing. Oh wait! Here's an advertisement: The Art of Tacoman and Them Others!

Back from the commercial, some guy named Dr. Cross finds out that Seattle General Hospital has come under the control of a Dr. Steve Reynolds that apparently doesn't like collecting insurance money from patients on indefinite life support. Dr. Reynolds threatens to kill Dr. Cross as well as the terminally ill patients because Dr. Cross does like taking money from insurance companies. Luckily for one of them, Katana arrives to save the day and kill orderlies.

And she's all out of orderlies!

Hal and Oliver wind up at the hospital to help out because...well, I have to admit, I don't know why they end up there. Ollie gets a message from Dr. Cross about the psychotic Dr. Reynolds killing patients but I don't know how Oliver knows Cross. I suppose I haven't been paying close enough attention to some of the comic books I've been reading lately. Just chalk it up to that thing I said about not giving a shit about what I'm doing.

Was Ollie going to pierce that guy's throat with an arrow? Or do these guys practice this routine?

Hal and Ollie save the hospital or something from whatever Reynolds was up to. I don't know what this whole diversion was about. Does Kriesberg know that you can't pad a comic book like you pad a television season? Every fucking story needs to count since they only come out once a month! I don't need this bullshit story where some doctor goes crazy and every orderly in the building decides to back him on his murder plans. Are we suddenly in fucking Gotham? No, no. If this were Gotham, at least Dr. Reynolds would have an interesting personality, a scary mask, and a psychotic pet peeve.

We are characters interacting and growing from experiences!

Hal leaves after helping out at the hospital because he's not supposed to be using his ring on Earth or else he's going to have to have a conversation with Guy Gardner. And he'd like to avoid that if possible. So instead of giving Oliver Simon Baz's number, he just flies away. But first Hal calls Ollie an ass and then Ollie calls Hal an ass and...wait...why the fuck did Hal fly across the galaxy to save Oliver from falling out of a blimp and then point out that he's not allowed on Earth? Was it easier for Ollie to get in contact with Hal Jordan than to contact Stargirl or Animal Man or Martian Manhunter? This comic book is really testing my patience right now! Especially after these two exchanges separated by a mere six pages:

"Ready for another round?" "Always!"

"Ready for another round?" "Can't! Shouldn't be here! Bye!"

Immediately after Green Lantern leaves, the police chief declares Green Arrow a menace and a madman, stating that he attacked John King. King puts a five million dollar bounty on Arrow's head which the police chief passes along because that's responsible policing. I know he's being manipulated by John King but nobody watching the news thinks this is odd that the cops are announcing a hit on somebody on television? I guess people watching local news for actual news aren't really much for thinking for themselves, so I guess it makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that Green Arrow is on the street watching this in a crowd and the sound is blaring out across the neighborhood for some reason. Who would live in that neighborhood? Turn that shit down, motherfuckers!

Anyway, the crowd goes wild and decides that five million dollars is worth throwing a beer can at a dangerous man with a bow and arrow. Why are all the common people in comic books just stupid fucking sheep constantly manipulated by the powers tha...fuck. You know what. Never mind. I just got super depressed thinking about how accurate comic books can sometimes be.

And finally, John King is threatening Oliver's current girlfriend. He wants her to get one of those tattoos of a crown that shows she's owned by King. I guess. Whatever.

Green Arrow #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. Oh Green Arrow! You thought the days of J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti were far behind you, didn't you?! Well how do you feel now that Jeff Lemire abandoned you, hunh? Not feeling too good, are you?! Plots are getting a little ridiculous, characters are acting a little crazy, dialogue is once again feeling forced and unbelievable! Things aren't as bad as they've been, Ollie, but so far this is definitely a huge step down from the Lemire plots.

Justice League 3000 #13

Let me guess. Wacky doodle silliness ensues?

This year, I'm going to do an art show featuring comic book covers re-imagined in crayon. Although they might be too good for this town. I've seen the kind of art that gets hung in Portland coffee shops and cafes. Most of the local establishments must have pretty big holes in their walls, or large, disgusting stains they desperately need covered up. Why else would they make their customers look at those wretched paintings? Does anybody else get the feeling that people who appreciate art aren't always being entirely honest with their own feelings? Like somehow they're actually just trying to impress the other people in the room rather than being true to their own likes and dislikes?

I've had a decent (sometimes a bit better than decent!) web presence for fifteen years now and I've never really attempted to make money on it. It may be because the projects I work on find only niche audiences. Or perhaps it's because Mrs. McFarland was right and I really don't feel good about myself. I did try to set up advertising on my Blogger half of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea but Google deemed my site too offensive. Because who wants to advertise to adults, amirite?! Fuck you, Google. Fuck you in the asshole and the cunt and the cock and the other adult body parts! I don't need advertising mucking up my site! Unless it's advertising for my own line of products! Would it be illegal to ship a face cream composed primarily of Peach Jam and semen?

I am now officially dubbing 2015 "The Year That I Make Enough Money Per Month, Via The Internet, To At Least Fucking Pay For The Comic Books I Buy (Unless I Continue To Let Laziness and Apathy Win Out Over Survival and Ambition)!"

And here is my first attempt to make some money: The Art of Tacoman and Them Others!

Currently in Justice League 3000, Booster Gold is being eaten by futuristic mutated rats while Blue Beetle battles a heavier version of himself. It's possible they're inside some kind of future therapy machine and simply working through some of their emotional issues.

So it was kind of like psychotherapy.

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Lois Lane stalks the Justice League 3000 just like she stalked everybody and everything in her previous life as a Scoop Finder. She's going to discover all of their secrets and bring them down in an embarrassing public relations nightmare! But first she'll have to invent blogging on Camelot Nine so she can get The Fast Lane back up and running. Maybe they have some kind of magical ethernet thing to replace the technological one. She'll just whisper her stories into a unicorn's ear and everybody will hear them.

To help with the war against Etrigan 3000, Wonder Woman 3000 sends Flash 3000 into a frozen castle to see if Ice 3000 will join their team. Unless Ice 3000 turns out to be The Snow Queen and then sexy times will probably ensue! And I think it might be The Snow Queen version because Clark gets super jealous.

He needs to practice leaping buildings in a single bound.

Teri meets Ice 3000 and begins mentioning names she finds familiar. Then Ice 3000 meets Superman 3000 who isn't quite as peaceful as the Superman she remembers. So he has to become a popsicle. Then Wonder Woman 3000 barges in boasting and bragging because she obviously forgot how to hug during the resurrection process.

So if it wasn't clear after the discovery of Booster and Beetle, this is definitely a Preboot Future. That's probably why the others are having so much trouble with their memories because they aren't allowed to remember Preboot history. Yet.

Etrigan is busy spying on the reunion and puts together some fairly decent poetry.

I knew Beatrice was going to go to hell, the slattern!

Justice League 3000 #13 Rating: No change. This book is just chugging along at about the same level of entertainment each month. If you currently like it, you'll still probably like it. If you can't stand it, you still won't be able to stand it. If you love Howard Porter's art, you'll still love Howard Porter's art. If you hated the Justice League International, you'll still hate the Justice League International. If you got the drift of my first sentence, you'll get the drift of this last sentence.