Green Lantern #37

Why is the moon exploding while Xagyg attacks Earth? And why are Earth's continents different?

Last issue, Hal Jordan recruited Black Hand in his battle against the New Gods. That's always a smart move! Because everybody knows that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, at least up until you've defeated your mutual enemy and now your old enemy's enemy has all of the weapons you lent him and knows your strategies and, well, probably hates you too. Sometimes it's best just to remember that the enemy of your enemy is probably your enemy and you should just crush them all at the same time.

This issue begins by introducing me to The Singularity Stockade. It's the New Gods' multiversal prison which I've never heard of before. It's possible that it's brand new and everybody is hearing about it for the first time right now. It looks like a huge golf ball because that's the most aerodynamic form ever created. Unless you don't manage to hit it with absolute pinpoint precision, which is near impossible, and then it tends to fly off into the water or the rough and lots of people laugh at you.

Aboard the New Gods Prison Planet are most of the Green Lanterns and the Star Sapphires and the more important Yellow Lanterns and the only Blue Lantern and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, who is a Green Lantern but deserves special mention for being so adorable. I don't see any Black Lanterns though, so at least these idiots have hope of being rescued. Although they'll have to live down being rescued by Hal Jordan who won't let anybody forget that he saved the day. Especially Sinestro. Boy is Sinestro's nose going to be full of his own piddle soon!

You idiot, Kilowog. Green is right in the center of the spectrum! And it's closer to yellow than indigo! Go back to Seventh Grade Art Class, dumby! Wait. That won't help! Those color charts are different for some reason. According to that class, willpower is the result of hope mixed with fear!

John Stewart attempts to use his ring to escape only to be reminded, once again, that the "greatest weapon in the universe" is just a novelty piece of shit.

Aww, my sweet 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! And a nice burn by Sinestro! Kind of. I mean, really, what does it say about Earthlings that they've had five of them chosen to be Green Lanterns? You'd think it was the only planet in Sector 2814 with those kinds of results.

Sinestro tries to use his Parallax as a means of escape but it refuses to stay erect. Sinestro's shame and impotence is exposed for all to see. Even though the rest of the Lanterns remain trapped after Sinestro's defeat, they're all kind of glad that he fucked up the escape. Who wants that bastard lording it over them that he saved the day? Fuck that guy. Although Sinestro does finish his "gloat at my failure if you want to be a dick about it" speech by pointing out that only one thing could be worse than Sinestro himself saving your ass. Now they are all relying on Hal Jordan.

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he spends some time trying to convince Black Hand to help him until he finally discovers the proper incentive.

Not just any space war! A multiversal space war!

Hal and William head to the Source Wall where they were supposed to meet Sinestro. Instead they meet Orion and a battalion (or squad (or regiment (I don't know military group sizes!))) of Highfather's Divine Guards. Apparently the Divine Guards are no match for g-g-g-g-g-ghosts because Black Hand's Black Lanterns make short work of them. Right up until Black Hand becomes distracted with the realization that the Source Wall is a mass grave and he stops projecting his Black Lanterns into the fray. I guess that's okay because he just discovered a whole new army to bring against the New Gods. An army that has intimate knowledge of The Life Equation!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: No change. Now I wish Black Hand had gotten his own comic book instead of Sinestro.

Detective Comics #37

Batman in The Case That Makes Him Look Like A Fascist Fearmonger!

This cover could have gone another way. Instead of "chaos" for Anarky, it could have said "Freedom." And instead of "order" for Batman, it could have said "Subjugation." Or maybe a shorter word that would fit on the cover better. Like maybe "control!" Rules are for people full of fear. They desperately need to know that other people are being told to behave. They have faith that everybody in society will follow the rules because they're all too fearful of the punishment of breaking the rules. Civilization is just a tottering Jenga tower of frightened children agreeing not to move too quickly because any sudden movement might cause the tower to topple. The problem with a civilization based on hugely thick law books is that it's all just illusion which restricts freedom. As we've seen anytime a sports team wins the big game (or loses the big game), chaos reigns supreme. At any moment, enough people can decide to stop following the rules, and your precious rules will no longer be there to keep you safe. I guess that's where Batman comes in!

Except we don't get Batman! What we really need is less faith and trust in laws, and more faith and trust in each other. That, my friends, is anarchy. And it's a lot more honest than people behaving correctly because they're afraid of being punished. Of course, in an anarchic environment, you might suddenly be severely punished by your neighbor's shotgun because they don't like the way you were masturbating in their garden. But at least nobody is constrained by lawmakers! Anarchy is worth it just to see all the lawyers lose their jobs! Although with lawyers out of work in a society where anything goes, they'll probably just become more dangerous than plague-ridden vermin.

So it's kind of a few dozen birds in one hand and a few dozen birds in the bush situation. But I have an answer that will satisfy both the people with a need for laws and me. Let me make the rules! Then we can all be happy. Or at least I can be happy. And that's the whole point, right? Everybody just wants the kind of freedom that allows them to feel safe and secure and feel free and happy. That's why so many assholes are currently defending torture.

Let me, in an example of anarchy, completely ditch the previous topic to talk about torture. Here's the problem with most people's arguments for torture. Their argument amounts to "If torture saves lives then we should torture." The problem is that word "if" because torture does not save lives. Torture results in people not wanting to feel any more pain telling the people causing the pain whatever they want to hear to get them to stop the pain. It's the reason the police get so many false confessions. Because extended interviews filled with psychological games is torture. But then, all those jerks that want order need to feel safe, so they convince themselves that torturing people reveals truth. Plus have you seen how well it works in television and movies?! The bad guy always tells the truth! And is always the bad guy! Because why would the good guy torture somebody who isn't the bad guy? That's ridiculous! That would never happen! America is God's country! Obviously they're not good if they're revealing things the torturer expected them to reveal. Why would a good person make up lies under those conditions? Torture works! Case closed!

This issue begins with Anarky sentencing Lester to death by immolation and/or a sudden landing after a long fall out of Wayne Tower. Whichever happens first.

Here's another reason why people love rules: to exploit and manipulate the masses! The people who make and enforce the laws generally think they're above those same sets of laws. As we've seen, every day for years and not just recently, as police officers constantly avoid indictment no matter how awful their behavior or what terrible atrocities they commit while in uniform. What District Attorney is going to ruin their career by pursing an indictment against law enforcement agents that the District Attorney needs to work with every single day? Remember, masses, the rules are there only to keep you in line. And we follow them even when we know that the politicians and the rich and the people within law enforcement and the judiciary shrug them off on a daily basis. Laws are not meant to protect us by creating a rich tapestry of order. They are meant to corral us and keep us complacent.

I don't know how you're supposed to follow instructions that tell you not to follow instructions. I'm confused!

The Mad Hatter gets his face kicked in by The Batman for threatening homeless people with a knife. It's interesting that Batman can threaten people for information but The Mad Hatter isn't allowed? Maybe it's because The Mad Hatter has a history of actually making good on his threats of death while Batman has never killed anybody*.

*At least nobody has ever died from the injuries inflicted on them by Batman while Batman was still in the vicinity of the victim. If they died later, it was either their own fault for not seeking adequate medical care, or the doctor's fault for not providing adequate medical care, or just the perp's own fault for engaging in activities that The Batman frowned upon. But Batman has never, technically, killed a person.

My guess is that The Mad Hatter is slightly outclassed here.

Batman throws The Mad Hatter into the frozen bay to remind The Mad Hatter of their last encounter when The Batman almost walked away from The Mad Hatter as he drowned. And even though Batman threw The Mad Hatter in the water that time, is it really Batman's fault if The Mad Hatter never learned to swim while unconscious? I don't think so. The Batman finds floating in the bay, or just disturbed by The Mad Hatter's flailing so they rise up before sinking again, or maybe they were on the ice and are now sinking in the panel that looks like they're floating, or perhaps they're just full of air, skulls! A new mystery has been discovered! Time to take off his Bat-Boots and put on his Detective-Shoes!

But first Alfred convinces him to put on his Billionaire-Slippers!

The problem with writers that want to tell gritty, action-oriented Batman stories is they often forget this part of Batman. Batman doesn't work without this stuff.

Meanwhile Bullock is working a non-case that involves the anarchy symbol being spray painted all over Gotham. He also has a "World's Greatest Detective" mug which is a special kind of awesome. Yip is hanging out with him because she's not sure if she's his partner or his friend or his future romantic disaster. She'd better be careful, though. I bet Harvey Bullock has a huge refrigerator.

What's with all the pissing references? I think they're made for each other!

The call comes in about Lester's Icarus impression (the myth! Not the drug! Well, maybe both!) so Bullock and Yip head out to investigate. At the scene, they find Batman investigating as well! They also find a computer loading some kind of program that, if you believe Batman (which Harvey doesn't), will cause Wayne Tower to blow up. Batman is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing because fuck Wayne Enterprises and their new government overlords, right?!

Before everybody can be evacuated or Batman can shut down the computer program, the building blows up. Okay, so it doesn't completely blow up. Parts of it blow up so that Wayne Tower turns into a gigantic scarlet letter.

I'm pretty sure this is the biggest clue Batman has ever found!

Detective Comics #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even if Manapul and Buccellato weren't writing an interesting story, the comic book would be worth reading for their art alone. My favorite thing about the current run of Detective Comics is that Francis and Brian are making Detective Bullock a central character. He could practically be the "chaos" figure on the front cover! The dichotomy between Bullock and Batman is just as interesting as the comparisons of Batman with all of his villains.

Action Comics #37

Come on, Superman! You couldn't save the kid's bike while you were at it?! Ass.

Last issue, Lana Lang had found herself living every horror movie ever made. I think an alien that was raised on Earth horror movies moved to Smallville and thought humans liked living in terror of everything, so it spruced the place up with horrific fog, mindless zombies, creepy Hearses, and brainwashed citizens bent on world domination through screaming and more brainwashing. I bet there's even a singing plant making some nudnik rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Superman entered Horrorville to save the day but found himself trapped as well. Hopefully he doesn't get brainwashed because I'm tired of Superman constantly losing control of himself and just proving every paranoid asshole in America right that Superman is too dangerous to be free.

Hiro (Toymaster) has also been helping Superman try to save Smallville because Hiro doesn't have anything else to do and Greg Pak kind of reinvented Toymaster to make him as annoying as possible, so Pak has to use him every chance he fucking gets. I guess Hiro is the new Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy was over the moment Scott Lobdell made him a rich bastard.

Oh no! Now it's Malachi and He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

As soon as Superman is beset upon by the children of the barely a veg, he has a flashback to when he was about eight years old and there was a fire in the cornfield near school. He tries to save the day but there's this monster (He Who Walks Behind The Rows!) and then the flashback ends without a satisfactory conclusion! Just like life! And most bouts of sex! Although I think failing to orgasm and then weeping into your pillow while sobbing, "Mommy! Mommy!" is a sort of conclusion in itself.

Superman wakes up in Steel and Lana's bed. I hope they washed the sheets before bringing him in after all that anal sex they engaged in last issue. He's probably covered in shitty lube now.

Everybody in town continues to go about their business as if Smallville wasn't engulfed in a deadly mist or as if none of them were possessed by an alien entity. The only people that don't seem affected by the fog are John, Lana, and Superman. That's because they're the only characters that matter. You can't force the reader to feel emotionally attached to every person in the DC Universe! Some of them just have to be set dressing.

Hiro also winds up getting dragged into the mist by a bunch of tentacles before he can alert Batman that there's a problem. But then Hiro probably wasn't going to alert Batman since Batman would have stolen the mist's teleportation ability before Hiro could earn millions of dollars off of it. And he would have, too! Fucking Bruce Wayne.

Hiro looks like he's caught in a worm infested version of goat.se.

While the citizens of Smallville try to possess the minds of Superman, Steel, and Lana, Superman and John make the tentacled hole Hiro is caught in look even more like goat.se as they slide their hands inside and try to pull it open even further. Superman can't concentrate though so he freezes the citizens with his cold breath before going back to forcing the hole open.

Holy fuck! Is this what the goat.se guy was trying to get out of his asshole?!

Nice job, Toymaster. Now Smallville is overrun by teleporting clouds, brainwashed yokels, and monstrous aliens. Everybody is fucked.

Action Comics #37 Rating: No change. I think Lana Lang is a superhero now. Since she's an electrical engineer, suddenly she can read brainwaves and sense changes in atmospheric ionization. If that's a thing! She can probably also tell if your remote control batteries are dead just by licking them. Pretty soon she'll be flying around using the power of static electricity and shooting lightning bolts from her eyes. Why not, right? It's just science!

Justice League 3000 #12

How the hell did this book not get canceled in the recent wave of cancellations?

Not that I want this book to be canceled! It's fairly entertaining and it takes place in the year 3000 so DeMatteis and Giffen can practically do whatever the fuck they want without hurting continuity. I know some people care about that kind of thing.

Last issue, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold were found on Old Earth That Was which is now called Takron-Galtos. They were snuggled up nice and cozy in a queen sized cryogenic container. Now they've got to figure out how they're going to survive in the 31st Century! Hopefully they'll also find a way to change the title on this comic book from Justice League 3000 to Blue and Gold 3000.

This reminds me. Why isn't Oberon hanging out with Mister Miracle over on Earth-2?

Booster and Beetle wander around the prison planet unescorted because they've never been known to wander into crazy hijinks before. Although this issue is called "Another Fine Mess," so I think that explicitly states that crazy hijinks are eminent.

Some guy on Takron-Galtos found one of Beetle's suits from when he was overweight and has been wearing it around chasing down no-goodniks on the prison planet. The Convert warns him to stay away from Booster and Beetle because Terri (or Terry?) wants them for study later.

Cameos by Starro, Despero, Frankenstein, and J'onn J'onzz happily munching his oreos.

Are these two just going to go around cracking wise with each other or are they going to get to the bottom of the mystery? You know the mystery? The Mystery of the Preboot Super Buddies Winding Up In The New 52 Future! Maybe the reason they're here is part of The Secret Six's secret!

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Wonder Woman gets a centerfold of her hugging demons. And by hugging I mean massacring. It's two sides of the same sword. Kissing. Killing. Practically the same word!

Booster and Beetle find Ted's old stash along with his extra Bug. But it's been upgraded because the pudgy Blue Beetle's father probably found the pudgy Blue Beetle's suit in this hole along with all of this other pudgy Blue Beetle gear.

So far, this is the most exciting thing to happen in fifteen pages!

As they admire Beetle's forged Superman memento, pudgy Blue Beetle attacks!

See? I knew pudgy was the right word!

Beetle and Booster run from Pudgy Blue Beetle because he has Doc Ock claws on his suit and the keys to the overhauled Bug. But they get stopped in their tracks by gigantic mutant rats. And that's where the issue ends except for the Next Issue Blurb.

What could it possibly mean?!

Justice League 3000 #12 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this issue was how Keith and J.M. just completely abandoned any pretense that this comic book was about the future Justice League and just fucked around with Teddy and Mikey (unless he'd rather go by Jonny?) all issue. Not a lot happened and it was the typical goofy back and forth between these two slackers but I think that's all this issue needed to be.

Secret Six #1

Oh boy! The Secret Six! My favorites! But who are these idiots on the cover?!

I can't wait to read more adventures about Mockingbird and his or her team of press-ganged misfits roaming the world battling Communism and the Mafia! And probably other nefarious groups that really aren't much of a threat anymore if they even exist at all. I especially like Crimson Dawn, ex-prostitute turned model, who does Mockingbird's bidding lest Mockingbird turn her over to Scotland Yard for having killed a pimp with a karate chop! But maybe my favorite member is Dr. August Durant, government physicist, whose drink was spiked by those awful Russkies! Dr. Durant swallowed a genetically engineered bacteria that turned him into...well, I don't what it turned him into because Mockingbird gave him the cure before it could turn him into it! But if he ever stops working for Mockingbird, Mockingbird will withhold the antidote and it'll be time to learn what that Communist bacteria might do!

I bet the secret is that one of these six is actually Mockingbird! And the secret within the secret is that Mockingbird is from...GASP...the Preboot Universe!

I know this is The New 52 version of The Secret Six so Gail Simone might take a few liberties with the crew. But she'll have to at least keep King Savage, ace pilot turned stunt man that just knows how to make all the ladies feel like super ladies. He's indebted to Mockingbird for rescuing him from a North Vietnamese interment camp where he spilled all kinds of national secrets and probably told them how to defeat capitalism through heavy inflation, low minimum wages, and a lack of taxation on the ultra-wealthy! The cad! No way can Gail Simone forget him! He's a white heterosexual manly male! He's a sure in on the new team!

I can't wait to see how Gail handles the characterization of Lili de Neuve, convicted of murder even though everybody knows she's a total pussy cat and couldn't even harm a fake, fuzzy mouse filled with catnip. Wait, a pussy cat would totally harm that. Whatever! She's a sweetheart forced to work for Mockingbird who provided her a fake alibi for the murder she didn't commit! Using her incredible make-up skills, she makes sure every member of the team looks good in any kind of light. You won't catch a male member of her team looking like David Finch drew him! And you'll also only ever catch the female members of the group looking as if David Finch drew them!

This is just the type of group that Gail Simone loves to write too! How could you get any more diverse? You have a blonde white French woman and a red headed white English woman and a red headed white American man and a brown haired white American man and a black haired African-American man, and an Italian stage magician!

I know that lead guy was called "Agent Robbins," but I bet that's Mike Tempest's code name! And they're going to bust that shaggy haired hippie for burning too bright in the eyes of both sexes! Go get him, guys!

For some reason, the hippie beats the snot out of the heroes of the comic book. Hunh. That hardly ever happens unless the hero is Aquaman. This Thomas Black fellow must be one of those super villains. The Secret Six never were too handy going up against meta-types! They were more the group you called when a particular problem called for a boxer, a pilot, a model, a physicist, a make-up artist, and a magician. You'd be surprised how often each of those skills were needed in non-Superhero comic books during the Preboot years. I mean the Pre-Crisis years. I mean the pre-pre-pre-Crisis years but just post-Comic-Book-Code-Authority years! Before that, usually the only skill you needed was a gun with the safety switched off.

The "state troopers" fight like garbage so I'm beginning to think they're not part of The Secret Six. Sometimes The Secret Six likes to become the Not As Secret Two Dozen so that there are more targets for their enemies to shoot at.

Yeah! Send Lili! And Carlo! And August! And King! And most of all, Crimson Dawn!

I wonder if the Secret Six ever crossed over with the Sea Devils?

That would have been a confusing crossover! They'd all have to wear name tags. The only two that don't look alike are August and Little Nicky!

This issue is called "One Less Mouth to Feed" which reminds me of that time Cerebus through the baby and gave that good advice about one less mouth to feed being one less mouth to feed. And also the wisdom about how God hates poor people and loves rich people which is why rich people are rich and poor people are poor. Can't argue with that!

Remember when Cerebus was one of the most well crafted stories in the comic book kingdom until Dave Sim self-destructed? That was entertaining. The comic book was entertaining too!

After the shaggy man kills the man calling for help, I begin to suspect that Gail Simone isn't basing this comic book on the original Secret Six at all! That's crazy! There's so much potential for a modern reworking of the team! Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be content with my original Secret Six fanfiction and try to enjoy whatever this mess is based on! Probably some flash-in-the-pan reworking of Secret Six that nobody ever heard of.

Is that my sweet Crimson Dawn? Oh! Oh! I bet that's Mockingbird! That's why she doesn't like guys that act like cats!

The guy that was acting like a cat (who I'll start calling "Catman" for short) wakes up in a cell with five other people. So that makes six! Hey! Maybe this is the Secret Six! It's composed of Catman, Crotch Shot, Fairuza Balk, Havana Waller, Big Shot, and The Sexy Mummy. I bet they all have secrets which Mockingbird uses against them to force them to do her bidding. Just like the original Secret Six!

The Secret Six are trapped inside a cube that's also a game and maybe an experiment as well, and maybe a little bit of a coffin too. Hopefully not everything remains a secret for long. How many issues am I going to have to read before I know what the secret is?

Oh stop it! Cats love boxes!

Two locked containers sit in the middle of the cell. The combination to the locks is one-one-one-four which is hIII upside down on a calculator. That's probably a clue! "HIII!" "H" and "I". As in "aitch" and "eye". As in Eee! Tess AITCH EYE Tea! It's a secret code to me! "HIII Gail Simone! HIII!"

One of the containers holds six masks. The other holds the corpse of Agent Robbins. More clues! I wonder if we can figure out the secret yet?

The prisoners introduce themselves to each other and it looks like I was wrong on identifying most of them. Havana is actually a superperson named Porcelain who can make things brittle. Crotch Shot is The Ventriloquist. I didn't recognize her without her murderous pal with the drills for hands. What was his name? Bento? No wait. Ferdie! Big Shot is Damon Wells aka Big Shot. He was easy to guess since Porcy already used his name. He can expand like Bouncing Boy, I guess. Gross. The Sexy Mummy is Strix, of course. I knew that! I could tell by the way she didn't talk.

I see Babs and Dinah never pitched in for a tablet. Assholes.

And finally, Fairuza Balk is Black Alice, grumpy magician that uses backwards magic like old whats-her-name. Atannaz or something.

If the Secret Six cannot answer the question, "What is the secret?", one of them will be killed. And they get to vote on which one that will be! My guess is the others will pick Big Shot because he has a stupid power and because he's a private investigator. Crappy things always happen to P.I.s! It's like the first rule of P.I.ing.

With only a few seconds (and one page) left, nobody has answered "What is the secret?" I guess none of them are fans of Oprah Winfrey. Also, not everybody was introduced! There's still one more team member to go and it's going to be my favorite!

I'm happy to see you, Ferdie!

Secret Six #1 Rating: I guess I'll rank this around ten because I don't even care what the secret is. Nobody can trick me with their dangling carrots! I bet there isn't even any secret at all! The secret is there is no secret, you fools! Unless the secret is really about...no! I don't care! I'm not going to spend my holiday pondering some unguessable secret spawned in the dark, vile heart in Gail Simone's head. I'm just going to go read Justice League 3000 #12 starring Original Blue Beetle and Original Booster Gold now.

Oh! I bet the secret is "I C WATER!" ICY WATER is the secret! Totally nailed it.

World's End #9

I wish Mister Miracle would get some fucking characterization. Stop resting on your Preboot laurels! Who are you in The New 52? What motivates you? Are you fucking both Fury and Barda, you dog?!

Normally I'd use this first paragraph to speculate on the mating habits of the Chupacabra, but I just need to get through another World's End comic book as fast as I can. Besides, everybody already knows about Chupacabra's bedroom style.

Instead of reading this comic, I decided to draw another Pickle Boy Comic. Those are comics written by my assistant Pickle Boy which I draw. They were intended to give him a creative outlet while he crunches numbers at work, and for me to practice drawing.

As you can see, neither of us is very good at his half of the job.

The great thing about this Pickle Boy Comic is that everybody can relate to it.

Meanwhile in World's End where I'm not too sure the writers and artists are terribly better than me and Pickle Boy, the Avatar of the Blue has just been released into the world by Aquawoman.

It's a Great Old One, by the way. So forget about Apokolips. Least of everybody's worries now. Okay, technically figuring out what to wear is probably the least of everybody's worries.

World's End is becoming a game of Magic the Gathering. You have all the colors and then Apokolips is the artifacts. The non-Avatar superheroes are probably just colorless Legendary creatures. And it's at that point of the game where everybody dicked around too long and allowed blue to summon it's monstrously huge creature.

John Constantine and his crew have made it to Chicago and are sitting back watching the whole place break out into a huge riot. Since Barbara is back out from underneath the piece of the moon, I guess Earth 2 #29 happened before this.

I hope she gained invulnerability from the moon radiation!

Beneath Geneva, Replacement Batman and his group stumble upon Kal-el. Lois and Power Girl celebrate while Val-el slinks off into the shadows because that's where suddenly useless and entirely obsolete things should be. But there's a glimmer of hope after Replacement Batman punches Kal-el in the nose and it begins bleeding. Lois says, "Kal, you're really...oh, god, Kal, you're bleeding?!" And then Val-el rushes back to the group and says, "Oh! That's too bad! I'm so sorry about that! You poor thing! Can I get you a hanky? Man, this sucks! So terrible that you've lost your powers. Shoot! Who's going to be the world's savior now? Hunh? Anybody? Can anybody think of anyone that might be strong enough to save the world?"

Remember last issue how Hawkcop turned on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and his mother? It was a huge cliffhanger and everybody who read it said, "GASP!" Well, that's resolved when Doctor Cocoa Puffs and his best friend Jiminy Olsen arrive to cast a spell of Don't Be Mad, Bro. I wish the pages taken up by the fake tension would be used for characters interacting so maybe I can find a reason to like some of them. The only character that does anything worthwhile (although trite and cliche) in this scene is The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick's mother/girlfriend when she tries to break Hawkcop's brainwashing by talking about love. Stupid Streak-mom! Hawks and cops don't know what love and kindness are!

Up on Apokolips, the Mister Squad's plan begins to fall apart as the New Gods forget to plant their nuke because they have a score to settle with some guy named Paternus. He has a key that will allow Mister Miracle to open the Heart of Apokolips where he can slip inside for a quick DNA test to find out if Darkseid is his father. And since it was mentioned in Futures End that Barda betrayed Mister Miracle and Fury, Barda has to say something ominous.

World's End #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. There's too much going on in this comic book and none of it feels like it really matters. It's just a bunch of escalating conflicts that will eventually end in the destruction of Earth-2. Plus the cover once again got ahead of itself. Somebody needs to recalibrate the timing of the covers on these weekly comic books!

Batman Eternal #35

Do even mega-rich people need car insurance? Why would they?

The reason the mega-rich don't need car insurance is because if they ever get in an accident, the chauffeur takes the blame. Batman doesn't have car insurance because nobody will insure Batman. Also because nobody knows his real identity and if Batman ever crashes his car, he can just take off the costume before the police arrive and say, "Batman was driving!"

This issue begins two weeks after Hush was brought down by Batman. Hush is probably now cellmates with Jim Gordon.

Oh Lucius. You stole that story about the French man who despised the look of the Eiffel Tower so the only Paris cafe he could patronize was the one inside the tower.

It might be twenty years too late, but Bruce Wayne is finally getting to feel the pauper side of being an orphan. He's lost all of his shit and the only asset he probably still owns is the Batcave. And that's simply because nobody knows about it. He's lost all of his emergency caches to Hush, his business to the government, his closest associate to manslaughter charges, his house to Jeremiah Arkham, and his fuckfight buddy to the Gotham Underworld. And to top it all off, he's beginning to realize he might not be the World's Greatest Detective since he can't figure out who sent out all of the poorly formatted invitations to the Let's Bring Down Batman Bash. I'd guess the person behind the invitations was Talia al Ghul except they don't have that certain something that screams they were made by a woman that desperately wants to be thought of as creative but has no artistic ability at all. There wasn't even one stupid piece of clipart (complete with watermark still embedded across it) on the invite!

Last issue I was wondering what would happen to Hush. Would Batman lock him in a closet or ask Superman for a room in The Phantom Zone?

I guess he just shits against the wall furthest from his bed?

While Bruce assesses the damage Hush did to his finances, Vicki Vale finally finds her secret inner journalist and begins investigating Jason Bard. I'm surprised she knows how to track down leads after years of sourcing all of her stories from press releases and public relations agents.

Fuck you, media. You're the worst. When did news stories become equal time debates between people on both sides of an issue? Remember when the media would investigate the issue and then report on the issue with the facts they found instead of allowing the two sides to scream hyperbole at each other for ten minutes before the journalist cuts them off and says, "As you can see, it's a complicated issue." Fuck you all. Fuck you lazy bastards! Get a fucking spine, you cowards!

Jason Bard keeps telling everybody that it's almost over and nobody calls the department psychologist to make sure he's not going to shoot up the police station. What he's actually talking about is capturing Batman once and for all, of course. And then maybe strapping him to the Batsignal and taunting him?

Batman learned that card thing from The Joker! Batman even counted all of his cards and found he had fifty-two and thought, "Aha! I hold all the cards!" Then The Joker kicked his ass. I wonder if Batman's next big villain will be Rules For Various Card Games?

Vicki Vale learns that Detroit once had a Little Batman. Apparently the vigilante was the reason for Jason Bard's career choice to move to Gotham. She then makes a shocked face so she must be doing really good journalism!

Lucius, not wanting to become a pauper like Batman, has begun working for Jason Bard. But before working for Jason Bard, he told Bruce Wayne to tell Batman that he was working for Jason Bard. So now that Batman is driving the Batmobile into Jason Bard's trap, Batman has probably prepared for any way that Lucius could fuck with him. So when Jason Bard uses Lucius to take over the controls of the Batmobile, Batman probably already has a plan in place to counter it.

You know your plan is bad when Bullock is against it.

Jason Bard lost his sweetie, Jodie Hawkins, to the Detroit Batman, I suppose. And that's why he agreed to help end The Batman. The issue ends with Batman still in the Batmobile (maybe?) as it crashes through one of the top floors of Wayne Enterprises, drives across the building, and crashes out the other side. Although the cover shows him escaping, so what do I know? Stupid lying covers are always lying. At least it isn't made out of Lego.

Batman Eternal #35 Rating: No change. I'm concerned about the care and treatment of Hush in his Batcave cubicle. Does Batman use the Justice League teleporters to teleport food into the cell and teleport waste out? Any other method of delivering things to Hush is too dangerous! I bet the cell has no toilets or seams because it was meant to hold Clayface. Maybe Julia gasses Hush every time she needs to feed him or change his diaper. I really think Batman should look into doing a Phantom Zone time share with Clark. Maybe they could set up a portal in the Batcave. Superman doesn't have a problem abandoning criminals in that timeless void. Why should Batman? It would sure take care of his Joker problem.