Secret Six #4

Are they living in the suburbs of Grand Theft Auto?

I have a confession to make. When I drive a car around in Grand Theft Auto, I cannot not run directly into anybody riding a motorcycle. It's so satisfying! I think I have some internal rage stemming from all of those bumper stickers telling me to fucking share the road and preemptively blaming me and other car drivers for killing motorcyclists. Hmm. Now that I've typed that sentence, I think a bigger problem with me is that I get angry at stupid bumper stickers! The bumper stickers I get especially angry at are the ones having a dialogue with other bumper stickers! Like that Jesus fish eating the atheist fish! Also the atheist fish alone! It doesn't make sense! And how about those idiots driving around proclaiming their dog is smarter than somebody's kid? And...and...those zombie families that proclaim they've eaten your stick figure family! Maybe I need some immersion therapy! I should get a bumper sticker that says, "My other car was impounded after purposely killing a motorcyclist with it."

Oh! I know! I'll get a sticker across the front of my hood in backwards font that reads SHARE THIS!

That was probably the least interesting confession I could have made. "Hey! I run people over in a video game and I thoroughly enjoy it!" Like, who doesn't? What's the secret?!

Anyway, last issue we learned some pretty interesting tidbits about the Secret Six. They were really important tidbits too! The kind you don't normally discover in Issue #3 of any comic book unless it's a three issue mini-series. I suppose it isn't as surprising when you realize that three issues of Secret Six took about ten years to come out, so something had to be revealed to keep everybody's attention (I only said I was going to be magnanimous and avoid the topic of delays in the last commentary!). Those revelations were (SPOILER WARNING if you haven't read Issue #3 although if you're reading a commentary on Issue #4 before reading Issue #3 than I'm guessing you don't really care. And now I'm soured on Spoiler Warnings and will never use them again because they're never appreciated) that Mockingbird is The Riddler and Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, The Elongated Man. The best part about The Elongated Man secretly being Big Shot is that he won't be wearing that stupid fucking uniform.

I wonder if Sue is buried in the garden?

All that paper is doing is getting in the way of Big Shot's mouth! Free hand that feces-covered cock substitute, Dibny!

If Dibny weren't just using his powers to make himself grow bigger (much like Phat from X-Statix. Do I sense a Mavel-DC crossover lawsuit pending?!), he'd probably eat that dog in one bite by wrapping his lips around its thick shaft and swallowing. No wait. That's probably more like something Plastic Man would do.

How embarrassing must it be for Plastic Man to be the "less dignified" stretching super hero? I suppose Jimmy Olsen was even worse though. You know, way back when Ralph would share his Gingold with him.

Big Shot and Catman return to the rest of the six waiting outside Porcelain's apartment in a van.

Especially coming at the end of a right-hand page, this beat is timed perfectly as the reader realizes everybody is accounted for except Ferdie!

I haven't turned the page yet because I'm soaking in the anticipation of whatever great perversion Ferdie is engaged in with Alice. I bet he's tempting her with both sides of the Peanut Butter Twix bar as he declares in two opposing statements that each half is the half he likes best.

Ferdie isn't acting perverse at all! Aside from looking up Alice's skirt which I think is just a natural tendency because glimpses of panties are so exciting! And Alice's are the only panties probably worth looking at because Shauna most assuredly wears only cobwebs down there and Porcelain is currently wearing boxers and Strix will fucking kill you. What's the secret?!

The team realizes they're being followed but Big Shot doesn't make a big deal about it because he's one of the bad guys! Or the good guys? He's straddling both worlds!

Oh! Oh! I know the secret! Project: Mockingird is six secret teams of six villains each! Which means Gail Simone is going to be writing 36 DC characters in this series!

The first half of this secret team is obviously Ragdoll, Scandal, and Scandal's little brother, Randall. I hope one of the teams features Brother Power the Geek and Ambush Bug!

Turning the page, I discover there's more to the scene with Ragdoll and his goggle-eyed buddies which offers more proof for my guess that there are six secret teams! Maybe they don't all have to contain six people though. This three person team could be one team. Maybe they're teams of one, two, three, four, and you get the pattern. Unless you're dumber than a raccoon which is likely in about 30% of you reading this.

I might be one of those thirty percent because I'm not an archaic gangster and had to look up "moll." Although after looking it up, I was all, "Oh yeah! I knew that! One time." And then I punched my brain for being old.

That panel confused me in another way at first too! I was wondering why he was naming birds for his moll's codename. I thought maybe The Riddler had a Robin fetish as well. I thought he should be suggesting names like "Knock Knock" or "Dirty Limerick" or "Fucking Piece of Shit Puzzle Box That Doesn't Fucking Open No Matter What You Fucking Try Goddammit!" Then I realized he's playing off of Mockingbird. I should go live in the garbage and let the raccoons have my apartment.

Back in the suburbs, Big Shot's home is lined with gnomes. Strix falls in love with one and Ferdie takes one on as his wingman so they can go do unspeakable things to the neighborhood children's dolls. I hope Strix's gnome remains part of the team even after they move on from Big Shot's little pink tiny box.

Catman smells the genders of the three people following them and it's two women and one man so I guess Randall didn't make the cut. I guess Vandal's son will have to continue to live in obscurity until I can make believe he exists at another time.

Catman has a problem with his sniffer because, judging by my cats, he should have noticed the cookies first.

Although I don't think they'd be into Pecan Sandies. Although I only eat those by dipping them in milk and the cats go fucking nuts if they hear a milk container being looked at.

The Six decline to go to prison for a year so a battle takes place over cookies. Ragdoll calls out, "Dibs on the living merkin!" Which one is that?! It could be Shauna because she is quite the frumpy disaster, although who would want her near their genitals? But since Ragdoll tackles Catman, I'll assume it was him because Ragdoll figures Catman spends most of his time sitting on genitals.

As the battle progresses, Scandal puts on her claws so everybody knows it's her. And the last of the three mentions banshees and some of her white hair falls out, so I guess that's Jeanette? Did I spell that right? I've never read the first Secret Six because I was on a comic book hiatus when it came out. But I have the first two of the new trades sitting in a pile of things that I'll eventually read if I don't get hit by a bus or arrested for running down people on motorcycles.

We still don't know the most important thing in this comic book! What is the kitten's name?! What is the secret?!

The fight ends inconclusively as everybody just winds up being too polite and feeling too awkward to continue. If only Superman and Batman were more like these assholes! Before leaving, Scandal invites everybody to an LGBTQ Mixer and Jeannette tells them that one of them is going to die. See, she's a banshee and I guess she accidentally screamed while baking the cookies and now Strix's time is up but Jeannette didn't want to blame the cookies so she pretended to have some kind of Banshee Death Sense which is totally ludicrous! Except Strix isn't the one I think will die. I have a bad feeling Ferdie is going to be introduced to a woodchipper. But he'll be back in a new body, probably!

Secret Six #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. How is it that DC can publish comic books as good as this and Grayson and Gotham Academy and Batman but they can't figure out how to write Superman?! He's like the superest easiest character to write! How come a perverse talking doll is more fun to read than Superman? Okay, right, I think that's always been the case. Maybe Superman needs to be a bit more perverse? If people were angry at Superman for being an unrepentant perv, at least I'd understand why everybody was turning on him right now in that awful Truth story arc. I'd totally support that story! Maybe when Lois switched desks with Clark without his knowing, she could have found many gigs of upskirt and x-ray vision pics on his Daily Planet computer! That's why she exposed him to the world! Maybe that's how things went down since readers still don't know the whole story and won't until Superman #44 is published in a couple of months. I hope that's what it turns out to be. I probably shouldn't be talking about Superman here. I should probably be saying Secret Six is as good as everybody expected it to be. I would say you should go read it but you're probably already reading it. Who needs me to tell them what to do anyway?!

Secret Six #3

Maybe this is the issue we find out if The Ventriloquist can make Ferdie talk while performing anilingus! What is the secret?!

I'm going to be magnanimous and not mention how long it's taken for three issues of this comic book to appear on the stands. I'm not going to be magnanimous enough not to mention how magnanimous I'm being though! I'm only human!

When we last saw the Secret Six, they were standing around patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves on having escaped the death box from the bottom of the sea. What they weren't doing was going their separate ways and ruining Project: Mockingbird. No, they decided they should probably stick together to protect each other from Project: Mockingbird. I have a secret six suspicion that the whole point of Project: Mockingbird is to get these stupid assholes working together. And they fell for it! Which is why I referred to them as "stupid assholes". That's not the secret! That's obvious!

This issue begins with a Pocket Aphorism I guess you're supposed to cut out so you can take it with you and read it just before all of the critical decisions you make in your life.

Don't try to cut this one out!

I don't know what it means but it feels so much like an old school comic book with the newsprint pages that I can't help but love it. Also, don't you hate when people Limbo like they don't mean it? It's like, "Get out of the line, jerko! You're bringing the party to a grinding halt with your half-hearted Limbo skills! If you're going to bend over backwards, bend the fuck over backfuckingwards, fuckfucker!" How many times have you found yourself yelling that at a party, amirite?

Do young people today even know what the Limbo is? Why would they ever learn when their parties are full of girls rubbing their asses on guys' crotches?! Remember when we thought Twister was a sneaky sexy party game?! The kids today just have to dance and they're already dry humping on the first date! What is the secret?!

This issue is called "The Nine Levels of Suburbia" so I guess that's what the Limbo reference was for although I still don't get it. Is "Limbo like you mean it" akin to "Dance like nobody is watching"? I can't decide if it's better to masturbate like nobody is watching or to masturbate like everybody is watching. Maybe it depends on where you choose to masturbate?

Catman is currently cruising Suburbia topless when he comes across a big jerk beating his dog for not obeying him. You can tell the man is a big jerk because he is wearing funky sunglasses or maybe because he's got a crew cut or possibly because he's wearing a track suit or maybe because he's beating his dog. I forget which one of those made me realize he was a jerk. It could also have been his thick neck or his gaudy tennis shoes.

After humans are long gone, raccoons will become the next sentient species at the top of the food chain. Unless they also destroy themselves with diabetes.

If I had to guess, I'd say raccoons are already smarter than about thirty percent of the humans on this planet.

Catman threatens the guy who turns out to be a cop. Oh! That's what makes him a jerk!

The next removable aphorism is "The lust that lingers" which may not actually be an aphorism. I don't know what it is! But it has "lust" in it so it sets up the next level of Suburbia! Apparently the Secret Six are now living in a house in the suburbs to hide from Project: Mockingbird. None of them were made to live in the suburbs. They're not married. They have no children They're not excited about lawn care. They don't gossip about their neighbors unkempt yard. They probably won't participate in the Block Party which will cause the entire neighborhood to view them with suspicion. The suburbs are boring them to death. It's worse than the box (probably).

Okay, maybe they enjoy block parties and the whole hating spending time outside with the neighbors is just me.

What constitutes weird sex? I think weird sex is that sex where you get really close to your partner and maybe entangle your legs a bit so your genitals aren't quite touching and instead are just sort of staring at each other and then you both just kind of get off somehow by being close but not touching? Is that a thing? It's weird if it's a thing! What is the secret?!

Everybody currently on the couch admits to having engaged in the weird sex on the couch. Especially Ferdie. Ferdie especially admits to it. He also has drills in the palms of his hands so my guess is at least two of the Secret Six are now bleeding from their assholes.

Big Shot, P.I., lectures the group on maintaining a more child-friendly atmosphere in front of closed doors since they have a child in the house (Black Alice!) whom he wants to protect. So the group has the father figure taken care of. Now they just need a mother! That will probably be Strix.

The third act's aphorism is "Gluttony becomes you." So true!

The house belongs to Big Shot, P.I. He used to live there with the love of his life so I guess the neighbors are cool with his guests visiting him for awhile. He's normal enough to suddenly have five other people and a puppet with a dirty mouth move in with him to fill the empty space of his lost love.

Although he's really just doing it for Black Alice. And maybe a little bit because he secretly likes Ferdie's dumb dirty jokes. That's not the secret.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Greed is the word" because it's the word that you've heard. It's got groove. It's got meaning. In this chapter, The Ventriloquist offers to go shopping with Porcelain because she probably wants to kill Porcelain in a simulated shopping cart accident since Porcelain has been flirting with Catman. But since Shauna is into Catman, Ferdie will probably have to kill Catman. Eventually they're all just going to have to stop trying to possess each other and just all fuck whoever wants to fuck whenever they want to fuck with whomever. Or something.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Anger is the sea that never ebbs." That's because it doesn't have a moon. And is on a planet with no rotation. And doesn't exist? I don't have a science degree so I'm really out of my element here. The literature degree just means I've read lots and lots of things that will never enable me to connect with the world because I'm too busy connecting with dead people who also couldn't connect with the world. So, you know, it's not a useless degree at all!

See? Porcelain doesn't seem to be too hung up on possessing Catman. She's cool in the way all the Millennials grandparents were cool in the seventies.

Porcelain beats the shit out of two jerks on the way to the store. You can tell they're jerks because they're white and they're male and they have loads and loads of muscles. I know that also describes Catman but he's not a jerk for some reason. I think because he's into man-butt.

The next chapter's aphorism is "The trouble with heresy." I think part of that aphorism is missing because I don't know why heresy is troubling after reading that and now I might accidentally engage in some because I don't know why I shouldn't. This chapter has Ferdie sitting in front of the television and then proclaiming "Television is the devil" because Ferdie is a dumb lying puppet whom I won't like anymore if he keeps dissing my surrogate mom.

The next chapter's aphorism is "Violence wears a man like a weapon" which totally makes sense if you're nutso cuckoo. This chapter stars the Secret Six's mother, Strix! This issue has yet to establish Strix as the mother figure but I'm sure it will come with time. Right now, she's a bit lost.

Don't worry, Strix. Most of us don't know how to home. We're just all doing our best. My mother wasn't very good at it either until she was attached to a cable box.

Big Shot decides to have a bit of a house meeting over breakfast only to discover that everybody hates the suburbs which, you know, isn't that surprising. Don't we all hate the suburbs? Is that a thing people actually like? I guess the thirty percent of people dumber than raccoons probably like it.

Porcelain mentions seeing a guy beating a dog while he was out so now Catman needs to go kill a cop and ruin their hideout. Well, he doesn't go that far. But he does kick some ass and Daddy Big Shot has to pull his ass out of the fire.

Now the Secret Six has a dog and a cat and a child and a father and a zombie assassin and a foul mouthed puppet. Awww! They really are a family!

The last chapter's aphorism is "Treachery among friends" and it explains why Big Shot has a sensitive fucking nose and my mind is reeling and I think I might have passed out for just a second. You see, it might not explain what the secret secret is but holy fuck me in every holey, it sure drops a big one. And the surprise secret isn't that The Riddler is Mockingbird. It's that Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man! (Although "Dibny" was spelled "Dibney" in the issue which almost threw me off because I'm so picky about everything! (not really))

Oh! That was a spoiler! SPOILER WARNING! I think my entire blog has a spoiler warning so I'm not really too concerned. Plus I'm still reeling from the revelation because all that shit with pictures of Sue Dibny everywhere is hurting my heart now. And his whole concern over the couch being ruined by weird sex due to his sensitive nose? Totally should have realized it was Ralph at that point! So on character! Great fucking job, Gail Simone.

Oh, also, just to make it clear: Ralph "Big Shot" Dibny is working for Mockingbird and, as I pointed out earlier, the whole Project was to get these stupid assholes to work together.

Secret Six #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. So worth the wait. I was never a huge fan of Gail Simone's New 52 Batgirl. But her team comics are impeccable. She knows how to develop interesting scenes that bring out bits of every character so that you really begin to know them in short order. The Movement only lasted ten or twelve issues but it had more character development packed into it than most of the titles that have been focusing on a single character for nearly four years. And this issue was just brilliant! I love issues where we get to see the characters just spending some down time with each other and this was completely that. But not only was it that, it was also relevant to the overarching plot of the series. It was needed to bond these characters together. I'm a fan. And I'm so glad this is how The Elongated Man was reintroduced into The New 52 even if it means Sue is still dead.

Convergence: Batgirl #2

In 75 years of Batman, there has to have been at least one appearance of Batgorilla, right?

Last issue, Catman made an appearance and nobody was sexed up to the rafters which was surprising. I used to think the main thing a person had to know about Catman was that he was a man and he liked cats. But apparently his most outstanding feature and the only reason he's popular is because he fucks everybody. His 1982 Who's Who entry actually reads, "History: Goes both ways, 'natch. 'nuff said. Excelsior!"

It's possible Catman was about to bite Batgirl on the back of the neck while shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other and struggling to undo her utility belt while she howled like a cat in heat. I mean like something that wasn't a cat in heat but was an awful lot like a cat in heat. Something which you would use to describe a cat in heat when "cat in heat" was too on the nose. Before any funtime shenanigans could happen, Grodd stomped on the scene and growled, "I'm a monkey!" Then shit got real.

Improvisers love to believe that nothing goes as planned because it justifies their fly by the seat of their pants mentality. I am thankful (or at least hopeful?) that those in charge of city infrastructure are planners.

Batgirl should have planned to be trapped inside a dome and transported to an alien planet only to be released one year later so that she could be attacked by a telepathic gorilla. Batman would have had at least three plans in place for this eventuality.

The monkey attacking action is too exciting to continue on page two so, thankfully, the scene changes to the previous day when Tim, Cassandra, and Stephanie were standing around in a desert going, "Duh!" and "Nuh uh! Duh!" and, finally, "Duh duh duh, QED!"

It was quite the informative look back at Stephanie Brown's recent past! I learned that...well, never mind what I learned. It was probably super important to the ending of the story though.

Back in the present, Grodd is about to break Cassandra in half when Catman suggests they all work together to defeat Grodd. That's at least a better idea than fighting amongst themselves while Grodd eats each one of their brains. But even as a team, their chances of defeating Grodd are so dangerously slim that Tumblr would provide a warning page on eating disorders if one were to search Tumblr for "Batgirl and friends' chances against Grodd."

Well, you do have to choose which one to eat first, Grodd.

Grodd knocks out Cass and Tim and is ready to bite Steph's skull open when she remembers the previous day. She remembers an earthquake which means Convergence is long over and these guys still think they need to continue with this ridiculous fight because they're lost in a desert. During the earthquake, Tim hugs her and Steph is all, "Gooooosh!" And Tim is all, "Did you say something?" Maybe Grodd will read her mind and come to the conclusion that he cannot kill true love because it's the only thing worth living for! He'll have come to that conclusion because he probably fell in love with Zelda, the female ape at the zoo where he was kept while in the dome.

No, no! That's crazy! The story is called "The Love Song of J. Stephanie Brown," not "The Love Song of a Big Dumb Ape Named Grodd."

"Let us go then, Zelda! Grodd!
When zoo closed and day get all quiet and odd
Like dead human spread out on dinner table;
Let us go! By penguin pond! By farmyard friends,
Peanut shelled dead-ends
Where gathering crowds all day stood rooted.
Make monkey sounds, they hollered! Hooted
Bad words! Mean words! Words like sticks! Words like stones!
Had they known
Grodd understand all hurtful things said...
No ask what Grodd feel!
Let us go! Make humans meal!

In room females come! go!
Talk! Talk! Michelangelo!

When Grodd get to line about peach!?
Grodd hungry!"

Red Robin decides it's time to talk to Steph about their relationship. Steph is all, "Oh really? Now that I'm back in the suit, you want to hit dat ass again?"

That's not what she meant at all! Not at all!

Steph gets away from Grodd by pulling out his face hairs while Catman stabs Grodd in the back. That's when Batgirl is all, "Um, hey, Catman? I quit! You win! Or maybe, you know, you should surrender to me, maybe?" And Catman is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea! Because if one of us loses, that will obviously open up a portal because that's how things must work! This is probably where one of us says that we have just one last chance!" Catman decides to lose because his Gotham has been devastated by Grodd. Batgirl knocks him out and dances on his face. She has to make sure her victory is believable!

Telos is convinced and everybody heads back to their respective homes. It's a good thing she decided to trick Telos because Grodd was about to eat everybody's brains and maybe their soft, delicious genitalia as well. He's a gross monkey. Unless he's only problematic?

Afterward, Tim and Steph celebrate by doing it! Or trying to do it. They are unsuccessful because they forget to take their clothes off. Even I know at least some of the clothes need to come off to do it correctly! Like the...um...bottom parts?

Convergence: Batgirl #2 Rating: I forgot to rank the book in Batarangs as I read it! Let me see. It began as a five and then it received plus two for Batgirl knowing Grodd could kill them all so she didn't even try. It gets +1 for Steph punching Tim Drake in his dumb face. It gets -1 for nobody being eaten by Grodd because that would have been nice. It gets -1 for the Guinea Pig being drawn like a chipmunk. It gets +1 for Grodd's mate being named Zelda. It gets +2 for Cass being so cool and sexy cool and sexy. It gets...oh, who cares. I lost count! It was like 7.5 Batarangs or something!

Divergence: Prez
"Meet Beth Ross, the first teenaged President of the United States...a nation where corporations can run for office, the poor are used as human billboards, and tacos are delivered by drone, our only hope is this nineteen-year-old Twitter sensation!"

I don't think that sentence made any sense! I think it need an "in" after the ellipsis.

I'm already nervous about this comic book when the main character is a "Twitter sensation." Ugh. Fuck everybody who puts "Twitter" and "sensation" next to each other in a sentence! I hope she's one of those "Twitter sensations" who steal everybody else's jokes and posts them as her own! She is the president which makes her dishonest automatically. Although I have a feeling the point of this comic book is that she's the first truly honest president and she's super groovy cool to boot!

The story begins with hep cat and bees knees Beth Ross begin all cute and bored on Airforce Uno. But her boredom doesn't last long as insurgent robots shoot down her plane and it crashes on Fiji. Or an island near Fiji. Or somewhere else. I don't think it's too important where they are. Just remember about the robots with missiles.

Whoops! I guess the American robots are the sentries! I knew we needed to make sure we pay machines at least minimum wage!

I'm going to stop telling the grocery store checkout robots to shut up when they tell me to take my items because I don't want to be blamed for riling them up any more than they're already riled.

The big surprise is that the robots are being controlled by video game testers at Secrui-tech. They don't know they're controlling real robots and shooting at the soon-to-be inaugurated President of the United States.

Prez uses her SAT Phone to call the United Nations where she gets in touch with Anonymous (who have become a "nation" and have been given a seat on the UN) who hack the security robots so that they blow each other up. Prez is rescued and taken to the United Nations where the Indian delegate is all, "Why are you so late? Ha cha cha cha cha!"

I was excited for Prez because I was thinking it was going to be a goofy throwback to the original Prez. But it's about modern young people and I can't stand modern young people! Doesn't DC have enough modern young people with Burnside Batgirl?! Oh wait. I really like that title. Maybe this one will be good too. I hope Prez does a lot of Boob/Butt Showcases while politicking!

Convergence: Batgirl #1

Do I have to finish this cover myself?!

I'm available for hire, DC!

According to the fight card, Batgirl's Convergence story takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham as well. So it's the same exact fight card as in Batman and Robin with Pre-Flashpoint Gotham going up against El Inferno, Flashpoint Gotham, The Extremists, and The Amazing Zoo Crew. The issue begins with Batgirls that I don't recognize although they're sure to make the Batgirl fandom cream their jeans: Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown. Also hanging out with them? That loser Tim Drake.

This story begins with Planet Brainiac already having made his announcement since Cassandra, upon being woken up by Stephanie, asks if an opponent has yet to arrive. Since the three of them are outside Gotham and on the barren landscape of Telos reminiscent of the American Southwest, my guess is they're going to battle whoever El Inferno is.

Two Batgirls is too confusing, so Stephanie Brown ditches the other two to go get naked behind a rock. That's when she's ambushed by Catman!

Oh, but before she's ambushed by Catman, Tim and Cassandra have an interesting conversation that I didn't realize was interesting when I first turned the page because I first noticed Stephanie trying to drop her pants while Catman tackled her. According to Tim Drake, it isn't just everybody in every city trying to defend their city against everybody of every other city. No, apparently specific champions were chosen to fight for their cities. So while Tim and Cassandra weren't picked and have been relegated to sidekicks, Stephanie Brown was picked as a champion. And now she must battle for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! She's lucky she's on the team most likely to win. That improves her individual odds.

The issue is called "The Love Song of Stephanie Brown" so I guess it's going to be twenty pages of wondering if she should eat a peach.

How did Catman find her in this wasteland? Is Steph in heat?

Stephanie tells Catman that she came through a portal and the other two heroes followed her by accident. I guess that's how the Extremists entered Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? They found a portal that opened for "champions" to be shuttled to their opponents' universes. That must mean that this whole American Southwest look is probably the El Inferno universe which Catman must be a part of. Unless this is just one of the Multiversal Thunderdome arenas. I suppose Catman could be from the Flashpoint Gotham since I really don't know anything about El Inferno. Now if it were called El Gato Inferno, I'd be positive that's where he's from.

Catman was pulled out of South Africa battling Grodd and his army. That sounds like a Flashpoint world although South Africa is obviously not Flashpoint Gotham. I think since Planet Brainiac is a collector of "timelines," the definitions of the cities he's stolen are a little bit loose. And I just looked up El Inferno's description in the back of Convergence #0 and that definitely takes place in the Old West. It's also an Elseworlds story so I'd expect characters from it to have guns slung on their hips and hats tilted in just that way that says "Howdy, Ma'aam."

Catman must not be much of a threat because instead of joining the battle to help Batgirl, Red Robin just stands to the side checking out Batgirl's butt muffin. That's a thing the kids say, right? "Nice butt muffin! I bet it's full of tasty dingleberries!" Yeah? The whole flirting thing kind of ruins everybody's mood for a fight. But that's when Steph realizes Cassandra was still missing and runs off to check on her.

Pissing yourself in a tight leather one piece can't be comfortable. Although it's probably not so different than pissing in your wet suit for extra warmth while body surfing in Santa Cruz. Or so I was told by some totally disgusting not-me person.

Speaking of hanging out in Santa Cruz for much of my teenage years, I have a short digression! I met a guy on Tinder a few weeks ago (I said it's a short digression! It'll become long if I explain why I met a guy on Tinder!) who corrected me when I described the Santa Clara/San Jose are as "the South Bay." He insisted that it wasn't the bay and that it was Silicon Valley. Half of that statement was right! You know, the Silicon Valley part! But even though Santa Clara County isn't actually on a bay (okay, maybe a very small part of it is which is why it gets to be the South Bay!), it's still called the South Bay. I fucking grew up there, Tinder Beard Guy. Don't fucking argue with me. The only time I thought of myself as being from Silicon Valley was when we'd go to Santa Cruz and hang out on the hidden beaches where none of the tourists would go. And the only reason we were reminded we were from Silicon Valley at that point was all the graffiti everywhere that said, "LOCALS ONLY!" and "VALLEYS GO HOME!"

That was my digression! I kept it pretty short, right?

Even though my mother worked at Signetics (they made chips for Atari cartridges. Most of my Atari games as a child were not in a case. They were just the chips that you'd pop into these green chip holders which popped into the Atari like cartridges. That story is a lie if it might get my mother in trouble) in the late seventies and early eighties, I really never thought much about the whole tech industry thing and Santa Clara County being the heart of Silicon Valley. It was only in my later years with so much historical writing and film-making about the beginnings of the home computer era that I realized how much of the movement was taking place in my own backyard.

Other stuff happening in my own backyard: holes being dug looking for treasure, golf balls being hit with baseball bats into neighbors' backyards, Star Wars figures driving Barbie Corvettes, plum eating (no peaches though).

Stuff happening in my neighbor's front yard: me climbing his tree and eating all of his loquats out of it while sitting in the branches.

That wound up being a fairly long digression. Sorry.

While Grodd tenderizes Cassandra, Steph takes some time to think about the past year being trapped on Telos under the dome.

This is how I dealt with most confrontations in my life! Being confident enough to walk away from a potential physical conflict can often deescalate the situation. It also might have been fairly delusional on my part and I'm just lucky I never got beat in the back of the head for it.

Steph continues on the next page: "That's the thing Tim and Cass don't understand. Everything doesn't have to end with a big showdown. You can simply choose to walk away. Since hanging up my cape, I've learned that wearing a costume pretty much says, I want to escalate this conflict." I like this Stephanie Brown character and/or this Alisa Kwitney writer!

I recognize the name Alisa Kwitney but I don't know why. I don't think she's written anything for The New 52 since her name didn't auto-finish when I typed it in the Blogspot Labels Box. Let's see what Lord Google has to say about her. Aha. I must know her name as an editor for Vertigo Comics. I don't recognize any of her writing listed by Princess Wikipedia.

Steph watches television as Cassandra enters the window after a long day of jumping from rooftop to rooftop. Bethany Snow is reporting on the television. That Bethany Snow has had a long career! I think she got her start reporting in Teen Titans (possibly Pre-Crisis?). I hope all the Bethany Snows from all the universes have a big Telos Meet-up!

I know in certain cultures, Guinea Pigs are a legitimate source of protein. And I know it's wrong to judge other cultures for their regional food choices. But I'm fucking judging! I'm super judging! Eating a Guinea Pig is like shitting on candy. It's one of the two worst things you can do! The other worst thing is shitting on candy. Duh!

One of the places whose floor I clean is a pet store. They have an open topped enclosure full of rabbits and guinea pigs. I call it the Panic Pit because if just one of those creatures freaks out for nearly no reason (like a piece of hay fluttered in a slight breeze), they all flip the fuck out and try to hide behind each other in whatever corner is furthest from the unknown threat. It's like twenty heart attacks ready to happen at the drop of a pin.

Bethany Snow reports that a list of champions have been chosen to fight for Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Batgirl is on the list. I guess Cassandra is "Black Bat" and not Batgirl to avoid confusion. Good! Because I was confused when I was calling them both Batgirl! So ignorant!

Steph's reminiscence ends with her, Tim, and Cass being picked up by the weird metal bits with which Planet Brainiac likes to cover people. It takes them through a portal like the one the Earth-2 Wonders fell through when they arrived. And that's when Batgirl, Robin, and Black Bat wind up in the middle of the landscape that looks like the American Southwest and where this thing began. So I guess next issue will begin with Grodd finishing eating Cassandra as Steph wakes up from her flashback.

Convergence: Batgirl #1 Rating: So much better than the first Convergence tie-in I read which was the awful Batman and Robin #1. This issue gave me a glimpse into who these characters were in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham while it also quickly set up the Multiversal Thunderdome confrontation. It may not be the ideal way to be introduced to these characters but I feel like I can now see why people are so fond of them. I think in a world where Tim Drake hangs out with Cassandra Cain and Stephanie Brown, I might be able to like Tim Drake! Or maybe it's just in a world where he's decently written as opposed to a world where he's written by Scott Lobdell.

The synopsis at the end makes me want to read some Steph Brown Batgirl stories featuring Damian as Robin and Dick as Batman. Although I'm already disappointed with her for having a relationship with Tim Drake. Though that explains why fans probably liked the character so much. They just love their cruddy romances, don't they?

Secret Six #2

What is the secret?! How many is six?!

Unless you're one of those extravagantly luxurious people who can buy their comic books as soon as they're available and also live on the East Coast, you will invariably receive Secret Six spoilers by following Gail Simone's Twitter account.

Okay, so not all of her Tweets are Secret Six spoilers.

I know the internet isn't very good at fact checking, so let me just point out, right here underneath the photoshopped tweets, that these are not actual Gail Simone tweets. I assure you, even now, somebody will still think they're real because words that aren't part of an image or a tweet or a Facebook status message aren't worth reading. I might as well be typing words that nobody would ever want to read anyway, like "Your grandmother masturbated" or "Your genitals touched your mother's vagina while you were being born." What is the secret?!

At the end of the last issue, Catman and his new friends were trapped under the ocean in an electrified box with a digital display asking, "What is the secret?" They were also given masks and a dead body as hints or clues to the mystery. Being that I'm currently enrolled in the Trixie Belden School of World's Greatest Detectivanting*, I think I've got this mystery solved. The masks show that everybody in the room has a secret identity. The dead body proves that one of the people is not who they say they are! So the secret is that one of them is not who they say they are and is probably the person behind the trap and is also probably The Batman.

*Detectivanting: The art of doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe having grand, sexy adventures.

Oh! Mockingbird was the secret figure at the heart of the original Secret Six! You know, the one that was all white people long before Gail Simone made it all crazy people! There may have been a Mockingbird in Gail Simone's previous run as well but I haven't read it yet, so you'd know better than I would.

Cats love to eat birds. What is the secret?!

Catman remembers being recruited to lie in a hole for a year. I have to say, Project: Mockingbird sounds a little bit like a pretentious art installation, or shitty non-magic magic trick. It's possible that when Catman tried to bite the project's director's fingers off, he was kicked off of the project. But that was eighteen months ago! I think Catman has been re-recruited for another try at getting Project: Mockingbird out of the nest.

The six prisoners have one more minute to answer the question, "What is the secret?" If nobody can answer the super vague question, one of them will die. I think the whole point of this project is to get them to begin confessing all sorts of horrible crimes. They'd be better off keeping their mouths shut and their notepad pages blank than implicating themselves. Then after the minute is up, just choose Private Investigator Balloon Boy to be killed.

When the voice said they only had one minute left, I was getting excited that the secret would be revealed this issue! But with all of these flashbacks to Catman in captivity, I don't think that's going to happen. Plus it's only Issue #2 and when has a comic book ever made a big revelation two issues in?

Dude, you're Catman! Don't think of it as being confined! Think of it as being inside the best box of all the boxes that ever boxed! You're king of the boxes!

The minute passes without anybody even taking a stab at a guess. Come on, guys! At least try to save your own lives! I've made more guesses than you idiots and my life isn't even currently in danger. But the threatening voice doesn't seem to be in any hurry for the contestants to self-eliminate, so the secreted six talk about escaping while the voice blah blah blahs in the background.

Catman realizes The Ventriloquist is telekinetic and suggests she raises the box out of the ocean. But she'll only do that if he gives her a kiss. That's prostitution!

That's also talent! I wonder if she can make Ferdie talk while giving oral? What is the secret?!

While in captivity eleven months ago, some woman stops by on Caturday to give Catman a kitten. I bet she's Mockingbird! Or the kitten is! Or Catman is and he's doing this to himself! What is the secret?!

So anyway, the voice begins shocking Black Alice because nobody in the box would choose a scape goat. That's when The Ventriloquist raises the box out of the sea and saves the day! Maybe. Raising the box at least seems to have cut off power to the electrified floor. Also, the box is shaped like a coffin which I called last issue. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! What is the secret?!

The Not-So-Secreted-Anymore Six break out of the coffin, jump to an ocean drilling rig, and begin killing everybody in the vicinity. Not just because they're nearby but also because they have guns and they keep trying to kill the good guys. The bad guys. The girls and guys guys. And the puppet!

The voice somehow thinks that telling them to get back in the box will work. It points out that one of them killed an innocent girl two years ago and that if they just get in the box, only one of them will die. But if they remain out of the box, they will all die. So the Six decide to stick together and fight to live. Sounds to me like the experiment worked perfectly, you manipulated assholes. Now you're a group as to where there was no group bond before! Project: Mockingbird has started!

Secret Six #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. You know what the real secret is? What happened to Catman's kitty cat? And what was its name? And did it like burrowing under covers and waking him up by biting him on the nose? Did it tend to spaz out for no reason at all and try to jump up the wall and through the ceiling to get at some invisible, other worldly something that only it could see? How about giving us the important information about the best character in the comic book so far, Gail and Ken? What is the secret?!

Secret Six #1

Oh boy! The Secret Six! My favorites! But who are these idiots on the cover?!

I can't wait to read more adventures about Mockingbird and his or her team of press-ganged misfits roaming the world battling Communism and the Mafia! And probably other nefarious groups that really aren't much of a threat anymore if they even exist at all. I especially like Crimson Dawn, ex-prostitute turned model, who does Mockingbird's bidding lest Mockingbird turn her over to Scotland Yard for having killed a pimp with a karate chop! But maybe my favorite member is Dr. August Durant, government physicist, whose drink was spiked by those awful Russkies! Dr. Durant swallowed a genetically engineered bacteria that turned him into...well, I don't what it turned him into because Mockingbird gave him the cure before it could turn him into it! But if he ever stops working for Mockingbird, Mockingbird will withhold the antidote and it'll be time to learn what that Communist bacteria might do!

I bet the secret is that one of these six is actually Mockingbird! And the secret within the secret is that Mockingbird is from...GASP...the Preboot Universe!

I know this is The New 52 version of The Secret Six so Gail Simone might take a few liberties with the crew. But she'll have to at least keep King Savage, ace pilot turned stunt man that just knows how to make all the ladies feel like super ladies. He's indebted to Mockingbird for rescuing him from a North Vietnamese interment camp where he spilled all kinds of national secrets and probably told them how to defeat capitalism through heavy inflation, low minimum wages, and a lack of taxation on the ultra-wealthy! The cad! No way can Gail Simone forget him! He's a white heterosexual manly male! He's a sure in on the new team!

I can't wait to see how Gail handles the characterization of Lili de Neuve, convicted of murder even though everybody knows she's a total pussy cat and couldn't even harm a fake, fuzzy mouse filled with catnip. Wait, a pussy cat would totally harm that. Whatever! She's a sweetheart forced to work for Mockingbird who provided her a fake alibi for the murder she didn't commit! Using her incredible make-up skills, she makes sure every member of the team looks good in any kind of light. You won't catch a male member of her team looking like David Finch drew him! And you'll also only ever catch the female members of the group looking as if David Finch drew them!

This is just the type of group that Gail Simone loves to write too! How could you get any more diverse? You have a blonde white French woman and a red headed white English woman and a red headed white American man and a brown haired white American man and a black haired African-American man, and an Italian stage magician!

I know that lead guy was called "Agent Robbins," but I bet that's Mike Tempest's code name! And they're going to bust that shaggy haired hippie for burning too bright in the eyes of both sexes! Go get him, guys!

For some reason, the hippie beats the snot out of the heroes of the comic book. Hunh. That hardly ever happens unless the hero is Aquaman. This Thomas Black fellow must be one of those super villains. The Secret Six never were too handy going up against meta-types! They were more the group you called when a particular problem called for a boxer, a pilot, a model, a physicist, a make-up artist, and a magician. You'd be surprised how often each of those skills were needed in non-Superhero comic books during the Preboot years. I mean the Pre-Crisis years. I mean the pre-pre-pre-Crisis years but just post-Comic-Book-Code-Authority years! Before that, usually the only skill you needed was a gun with the safety switched off.

The "state troopers" fight like garbage so I'm beginning to think they're not part of The Secret Six. Sometimes The Secret Six likes to become the Not As Secret Two Dozen so that there are more targets for their enemies to shoot at.

Yeah! Send Lili! And Carlo! And August! And King! And most of all, Crimson Dawn!

I wonder if the Secret Six ever crossed over with the Sea Devils?

That would have been a confusing crossover! They'd all have to wear name tags. The only two that don't look alike are August and Little Nicky!

This issue is called "One Less Mouth to Feed" which reminds me of that time Cerebus through the baby and gave that good advice about one less mouth to feed being one less mouth to feed. And also the wisdom about how God hates poor people and loves rich people which is why rich people are rich and poor people are poor. Can't argue with that!

Remember when Cerebus was one of the most well crafted stories in the comic book kingdom until Dave Sim self-destructed? That was entertaining. The comic book was entertaining too!

After the shaggy man kills the man calling for help, I begin to suspect that Gail Simone isn't basing this comic book on the original Secret Six at all! That's crazy! There's so much potential for a modern reworking of the team! Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be content with my original Secret Six fanfiction and try to enjoy whatever this mess is based on! Probably some flash-in-the-pan reworking of Secret Six that nobody ever heard of.

Is that my sweet Crimson Dawn? Oh! Oh! I bet that's Mockingbird! That's why she doesn't like guys that act like cats!

The guy that was acting like a cat (who I'll start calling "Catman" for short) wakes up in a cell with five other people. So that makes six! Hey! Maybe this is the Secret Six! It's composed of Catman, Crotch Shot, Fairuza Balk, Havana Waller, Big Shot, and The Sexy Mummy. I bet they all have secrets which Mockingbird uses against them to force them to do her bidding. Just like the original Secret Six!

The Secret Six are trapped inside a cube that's also a game and maybe an experiment as well, and maybe a little bit of a coffin too. Hopefully not everything remains a secret for long. How many issues am I going to have to read before I know what the secret is?

Oh stop it! Cats love boxes!

Two locked containers sit in the middle of the cell. The combination to the locks is one-one-one-four which is hIII upside down on a calculator. That's probably a clue! "HIII!" "H" and "I". As in "aitch" and "eye". As in Eee! Tess AITCH EYE Tea! It's a secret code to me! "HIII Gail Simone! HIII!"

One of the containers holds six masks. The other holds the corpse of Agent Robbins. More clues! I wonder if we can figure out the secret yet?

The prisoners introduce themselves to each other and it looks like I was wrong on identifying most of them. Havana is actually a superperson named Porcelain who can make things brittle. Crotch Shot is The Ventriloquist. I didn't recognize her without her murderous pal with the drills for hands. What was his name? Bento? No wait. Ferdie! Big Shot is Damon Wells aka Big Shot. He was easy to guess since Porcy already used his name. He can expand like Bouncing Boy, I guess. Gross. The Sexy Mummy is Strix, of course. I knew that! I could tell by the way she didn't talk.

I see Babs and Dinah never pitched in for a tablet. Assholes.

And finally, Fairuza Balk is Black Alice, grumpy magician that uses backwards magic like old whats-her-name. Atannaz or something.

If the Secret Six cannot answer the question, "What is the secret?", one of them will be killed. And they get to vote on which one that will be! My guess is the others will pick Big Shot because he has a stupid power and because he's a private investigator. Crappy things always happen to P.I.s! It's like the first rule of P.I.ing.

With only a few seconds (and one page) left, nobody has answered "What is the secret?" I guess none of them are fans of Oprah Winfrey. Also, not everybody was introduced! There's still one more team member to go and it's going to be my favorite!

I'm happy to see you, Ferdie!

Secret Six #1 Rating: I guess I'll rank this around ten because I don't even care what the secret is. Nobody can trick me with their dangling carrots! I bet there isn't even any secret at all! The secret is there is no secret, you fools! Unless the secret is really about...no! I don't care! I'm not going to spend my holiday pondering some unguessable secret spawned in the dark, vile heart in Gail Simone's head. I'm just going to go read Justice League 3000 #12 starring Original Blue Beetle and Original Booster Gold now.

Oh! I bet the secret is "I C WATER!" ICY WATER is the secret! Totally nailed it.