Futures End #31

Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!

Why are people so sad that Ronnie Raymond died? It's not like Firestorm died! Just the self-hating homosexual star quarterback! I can see why his lover, Jason Rusch, would be sad. But that's about it. As long as Firestorm is still kicking about, the Justice League has no reason to give a fuck. Plus the new Firestorm has tits! The Justice League needs more tits! I mean women! I hope nobody was offended that I said "tits" when I meant "women." It's a natural mistake being that I'm so super masculine and manly, I can't even hide how much I love to do it to women! Whenever I'm up in the club, the other guys always come up to me and go, "Duuuuude! I might as well be a woman!" And I'm all, "Yeah, bra. Totes." Then I giggle and continue to dance with my hands in the air causing my crop top to rise up to expose my belly ring up front and my thong in the back. Then the babes all flock to me and dance all around me and occasionally one of them will get really close to my face and shout over the throbbing bass, "You should meet my brother." And I'm all, "Yeah? Cool." Because I guess her brother is totally masculine and cool too and we could watch football together and shotgun beers and belch and stuff.

I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.

I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.

Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.

Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?

As Lois exposes Cadmus's crimes to the world, Brother Eye plays Angry Birds on her cell phone. Except who plays Angry Birds anymore? Just insert whatever the newest waste of time app is most popular in place of Angry Birds. I don't have a smart phone, so how should I know how the masses are bringing about the end of the world?

Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?

I may be a bit lukewarm to most of this Futures End stuff, but Buddy and Ollie hanging out together on Green Arrow Beach on Green Arrow Island drinking Green Arrows from the Green Arrow Beach Bar is a sweet and emotional moment that made me tear up a bit. In a manly way! The way men tear up when they've flexed too many muscles at once!

Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.

I hope Ollie has banned all technology from the island so that when Brother Eye takes over, he can stay in retirement.

Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.

Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!

Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!

Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.

That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!

Madison decides not to tell Tim Drake that she's alive because then Jason Rusch might get a sneak peak at all the things she wants to do to Tim and who wants Jason Rusch orgasming in her head?

Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

The Flash #36

Brett Booth loves drawing dinosaurs!

When a writer works with Brett Booth, does he or she constantly receive instant messages from him asking when dinosaurs are going to appear in the next script? I bet he sends them dick pics where he's glued tiny little T. Rex hands to his cock and photoshopped it into swampy environments.

Damn. That's a good idea! Except for the gluing things to my penis. That might not be a good idea at all! Also, I'm not sure my penis has the chops to play a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Maybe I can make those fanned gills and turn it into the one that spits poison in Newman's face in Jurassic Park!

I'm going to be fact checking Brett Booth's dinosaurs with a book from my childhood so I hope he did his research! Here's the book:

This looks like it's going to be a bit heavy on the science.

This book was published in 1974 so they won't even have a definitive theory about how the monsters all died out.

Leonora Hornblow: "We think it could have been starvation. Or maybe a deadly plague that only affected reptiles."
Arthur Hornblow: "Or possibly mobs of torch wielding peasants."

Last issue ended with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." This issue begins with The Flash being attacked by flying machines that say, "Exterminate." I think Brett Booth might have already fucked up on historically accurate dinosaurs.

The Flash has also lost his speed so he's lucky this, um, "Flalek" has poor targeting capabilities. It must need its plunger calibrated.

The Flash is saved by a bare chested man with a lightning bolt scar on his chest! I think this might wind up turning into a gay porn version of Harry Potter: "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff."

Meanwhile in the Utah Salt Flats, Future-Flash realizes he's now twenty years younger and decides to take the place of Present-Flash.

This grin says, "I am going to fuck Patty into a coma."

A fuckpatty sounds delicious! I'm hungry!

I think people might notice The Flash's costume change because most people I know can spot the difference between red and blue. I say most not because I know anybody who is red/blue colorblind (is that even a thing?!) but because I know some people whose parents were complete assholes. They also think that the proper term for their nose is a snot faucet and often refer to their ears as their head genitals.

Patty reminds Barry that they need to get to work so Barry's going to have to nurse his throbbing cock until his shift ends.

Time to play Philosophical Fuck Questions! Is it okay for Future-Barry to have sex with Patty without revealing that he's a future version of himself? If you instantly come to the conclusion that it's not, then get out! You're not playing Philosophical Fuck Questions correctly! It's still the same Barry! Patty's been intimate with this Barry before although, to Barry, it's been many, many years. I suppose if he's had any unsafe sex with dodgy super villains in the intervening years, it would be a dick move not to reveal that, quite possibly, he might have super-herpes. But we could introduce an infinite number of scenarios that would make a "yes" or a "no" answer to the question more obvious. Philosophy isn't about finding easy answers! It's about annoying other people with constant and unending questions!

So. Why would it be wrong for Future-Barry to have sex with Present-Patty? I can't think of any reasons at all! Yes, I suppose, if I want to sound like the understanding, caring, kind person I'm most certainly not, I would say it should be Patty's choice. She should be given all the facts and allowed to decide if she wants to cheat on Barry with himself. Plus, if we play out the time travel scenario that has occurred within the pages of this comic book, Present Barry will never become this Barry! Although, this Barry did live the same life as the Barry that Patty knew right up until breakfast this morning! If Present Barry never returns, what's the big deal? Also, if Present Barry ever returns, we'll have to have another episode of Philosophical Fuck Questions when we ask the question, "If Patty, Present Barry, and Future Barry have a three-way, is it really a three-way?"

Wally is probably going to wonder why Barry keeps breaking into tears and hugging him.

Nobody seems concerned (yet) that Barry can't remember where anything is and can't remember anybody's name (even when it's printed on their coveralls). Just wait until he watches Begin Again later with Patty and he says, "Boy, I thought Mark Ruffalo put in a really poignant portrayal of Bruce Banner in Avengers IV: The Curse of Fin Fang Foom." Luckily, everybody just takes his lapses in memory and his uncharacteristic behaviors in stride and helpfully reminds him of the way things should be. I'm sure Patty won't even notice since she's so starved for Barry's cock seeing as how he's been constantly ignoring her to hang out with Wally and Iris West.

"Remember? Remember how you never help me? Ever? Who are you?! What happened to the real Barry?! Ha ha! J/K, of course! Now excuse me while I clutch this thing you were just holding to my breasts!"

Meanwhile in "Hairy Potter and the Chamber of Buttstuff," Hairy and Barry continue to battle the Flaleks. It turns out they're sentry machines from the 24th Century and were built by LexWayne EnterCorps! Hairy, whose real name (or current alias) is Selkirk, explains how they're in a place where all times meet called The Nexus! Don't you just love when places are named so literally? I would have called this place Crazytown With Dinosaurs.

See? Crazytown With Dinosaurs!

Back in the non-Speed Force world, Future Barry ditches Patty to go murder some perp that escaped justice the last time Barry lived through this time. Although now that time has been changed, he's just murdering some guy that might possibly still kill a bunch of people and escape justice. You never know! Time's a funny thing! Because of butterflies or something.

The Flash #36 Rating: I think I ranted enough about stupid time travel stories. So now I'm just going to be a good little comic book fan and accept whatever happens in The Flash. And with that mentality, I'm enjoying it! I think Future-Flash should become a fan favorite because he's still Barry but he kills! A hero that kills is always really likable, right? We've seen enough of super goody-two-shoes Barry Allen! What a wussy baby square! Let's celebrate murdery, psycho vigilante Barry Allen for awhile! Yay for psychos! Yay for murdery vigilantes! Yay for kind of rapey guys from the future that maybe aren't technically raping their old girlfriends but, I mean, come on! What does your gut say! Guts are always right! I mean, not really, but people like to think they are and justify everything they do by their gut reactions! Because how can a person's intuition lead them astray? That would be like admitting you have a fault or something! Ludicrous!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #5

This comic book has been cancelled. Perhaps it's time for DiDio to realize that nobody likes his writing. Or is interested in reboots of Jack Kirby's creations? Except The Demon! And DiDio had better keep his hands off of The Demon! Also Nocenti's hands! Keep her hands off of Etrigan too!

I've already done two commentaries, so don't expect me to actually try to be funny or perceptive while writing this one! You can probably still expect me to be rude and belligerent though. Those don't take much effort.

Last issue ended with Guy Gardner realizing some of those asshole New Gods were vacationing on his planet. Since he's recently learned that those guys are total dicks, he's decided to kick them off of Earth for good. And maybe cancel their comic while he's at it, even if it takes his with it! Which it will! Because Red Lanterns has been canceled too! Probably because DC knows they don't have a deep enough roster of good writers to take over for Charles Soule. I mean, they could stick Nocenti on it. I'd actually be intrigued by her version! I'm sure she could figure out how to arc weld some random philosophy that has nothing to do with the Red Lanterns' reason for existence onto the hood of their organization.

I don't know if the last sentence of that last paragraph was a mixed metaphor or just random nonsense.

The issue begins with a meeting of New Genesis's version of Scientology. Or any other religion you can think of in the place of Scientology. They're all the same. This one believes that Darkseid and Highfather are huge dicks that probably shouldn't have killed their father and all of the Old Gods in the first place. Things have just gone downhill from there. But some priest guy has declared that he's the reincarnation of Yuga Khan, Darkseid and Highfather's Higherfather. It's all the standard religious rhetoric that causes needy and desperate fools to join up and ignore their one chance at true happiness in life. Although I suppose everything about life and reality is illusion anyway, so who cares what anybody wants to believe? As long as they don't expect me to believe in it as well, good for them. Also, they should stop believing that my belief that their beliefs are stupid bullshit is something I can't be allowed to believe. Go fuck yourselves.

"They think they've come to Earth to teach us wisdom. But they'll be surprised at how much they have to learn! -- Movie Poster Ad Copy for the upcoming New Gods Teen Romp Flick.

Guy Gardner and the New Gods battle on the beach for a few pages. I suppose it's more entertaining than if they'd exchanged a bunch of dick pics. Maybe. Eventually Mark Moonrider steps up to knock out Guy Gardner in one punch. Or Moonblast. Whatever his stupid super power is.

But before the New Gods can throw Guy Gardner in a Miracle Prison, Guy's reinforcements arrive!

I didn't know an Xbox One could become a Green Lantern!

Infinity Man and the Forever People Rating: This comic book makes no sense. I guess it's the result of DC needing to fill 52 slots every month (at least as often as they can. Counting the weekly titles as four books per month (and sometimes five, the bastards!), I think the current count of titles is 55 or something. Math is hard). If they're going to publish comic books that nobody is interested in reading, they should just begin titles with names like "Dan Smith, Resident of the Multiverse" or "Pam Washington, Data Entry Specialist." You could remind everybody that these mundane characters are part of DC Continuity by occasionally having Superman seen flying by through a window, or a news report on television mentioning Batman. It could be just as entertaining as this hogwash! To be fair, that's how I feel about this comic book in general. I actually kind of enjoyed Guy's appearance here. I'm a sucker for Infinity Man and the Forever People's gratuitous guest appearances! Next month I'll probably enjoy it because of B'dg and the Xbox One Lantern!

Star Spangled War Stories #4

Dead comic walking!

That wasn't a zombie joke! That was a joke about how this comic book has already been canceled. Although I guess that kind of makes it a zombie joke as well! Maybe I shouldn't try to control every aspect of how a reader is going to interpret what I write? I should just accept that once I let my baby loose into the world, it's going to get slaughtered by a bunch of rabid, asshole internet trolls. My poor, poor, stupid baby.

Last issue ended with GI Zombie being overwhelmed by other zombies, so this issue begins with a military helicopter evacuation of a wounded soldier. Totally makes sense. It's about time this comic book acknowledged the "war story" part of its name. It's the only reason I keep buying it! I love my war stories! They show human beings at their best and their worst! Mostly Americans at their best and everybody else at their worst! Plus people blow up constantly and get shot in the face! They're always full of tanks and battleships and Nazi War Wheels and dinosaurs and General Ghosts and GI Zombies! Just like real war!

I also love war comics because I'm a huge patriot and a big supporter of war. If you don't support war, you're a freedom hating communist and I'll have nothing to do with you. You probably just want to burn my flag and call it "freedom of speech" instead of what it really is: treason of the highest order! Do you know those flags represent dead soldiers?! How dare you burn a flag and not hurt anybody at all in protest? I should fucking shoot you in the face with my gun that I'm constitutionally allowed to have, you hippie!

On a lighter note, the United States of America's government is full of idiots. And, let's face it, they really are mostly on the Republican side. Almost exclusively, for that matter! Remember when they wasted everybody's time trying to get a constitutional amendment to make it illegal to burn flags? What a huge fucking waste of time. Assholes. Stop caring about stupid shit that doesn't matter to anybody at all! If you really wanted hippies to stop burning flags, why didn't you just manufacture them so they're full of CFCs?! That would have stopped them damn hippies in their tracks! And remember how they spent all that fucking time acting as if a blow job were the end of the world? Prudes! Also, remember just recently how the Republicans basically held our country hostage until they got what they wanted? For eight years?! And now they've been rewarded for it? Apparently they've figured out the political strategy for doing whatever they Goddamn please. Act like a victim, throw a tantrum, do nothing. Thanks a lot, Fox News and every fucking moron in this country! Why aren't we rebelling against the Republicans with all of these guns they've allowed us to keep?!

Not that I care about the political system. I'm an anarchist! I cross the street against the light all the time! You can't keep me down with your "laws"!

Awesome! Go America!

Oh wait! That was an American helicopter exploding! Who is writing this comic book? A bunch of San Francisco liberal hippie drug takers?!

The helicopter explosion was a flashback to that time when Tiffany was in the war in whatever country America was invading (all of them?). She survived and now likes to dream about the event and wake up screaming. Then she brushes her teeth and goes back to bed to dream about it some more.

It's okay if you don't remember who Tiffany is. I don't think that's her real name anyway! She's not important to the story. It's not like she's a zombie or anything, right?

"Just shut up and do what you're told, hero!"

GI Zombie runs for his unlife like a huge coward. He climbs up on a roof so he can watch the military murder everybody in town from the air with napalm. He just hangs out up there being the worst, most boring protagonist of a war comic book ever. The next day, Gravedigger brings in more military to clean up and GI Zombie finally climbs down from his hidey-hole.

Why bother with a biological weapon that isn't airborne?! And why use a bomb to disperse it if it isn't airborne? Seems like a bullshit delivery system to me!

Meanwhile somewhere else, Tiffany or Carmen or whatever enjoys a spa day.

Star Spangled War Stories Featuring G.I. Zombie Rating: How do you write a comic book about war in which nothing fucking happens?! The most excitement in the entire story was that helicopter blowing up and it was a flashback. I suppose the zombie suicide truck driver was supposed to make the reader forget that nothing exciting was happening. But then when GI Zombie and Gravedigger react to it in the same way they'd react to seeing a dog piss on a hydrant, it kind of loses its edge. This comic book should end with a zombie cat infecting an actual DC Super Hero like Aquaman or Cyborg. Then have them in the Justice League for months while nobody even notices that they've turned into a zombie.

That conclusion made me realize why comic books probably aren't written for me. I think all the stories I want to see, which would be ridiculous in their own way, would be hated and reviled by comic book fans who seem to accept the nonsense and bullshit that is standard comic book fare that makes my head explode. Stupid comic books. We need to get a divorce!

Sinestro #7

Last Lego cover! Fuck you, Lego! You have the aesthetic of a rotting platypus!

It's true. Lego based all of their design ideas on a rotting platypus they keep sealed in a vault in Lego Headquarters. You might be thinking, "But Tess! Surely, rotting platypuses aren't blocky and trying too hard to be cutesy!" My response is, "Fuck you! I'm busy."

Recently in Godhead, Highfather was being a total dick. The Lantern Corpses (is that the plural of corps? It's hard to tell since Spell Check accepts it as corpses!) were all, "Stop it! Be nice! Stop taking our rings!" And Highfather was all, "Shut up, you mortal babies. Do you want Darkseid sticking his dick in your planet? No? Then give me all of the rings." And the Lanterns, especially the ones from Earth, were all, "Obviously you've never met humans before, bitch! We never give up and we always say tough things in the face of death and we're like the only species that loves unconditionally who believe that no other species loves unconditionally which makes us totally special and shit." Then Highfather beat them all down until they hid in the Anti-Matter Universe sucking their thumbs and blubbering.

Now it's Sinestro's chance to turn the war around and be the hero he thinks he is.

I wonder what's happening with the rest of the universe without its unasked for cosmic police force ignoring their made-up job? Getting along pretty good, are they?

First part of Sinestro's plan: act creepy.

In the first panel of this comic book, a bunch of Lanterns kidnapped by Highfather were in the background. I didn't immediately comment on them because they all had their Lantern Insignias tattooed on their foreheads and that seemed weird. But now on Qward, there are Indigo Lanterns in the background with their insignia on their forehead. Which is still weird. Anyway, one of Highfather's captives was blue and it wasn't Saint Walker so did somebody screw up? Or is Highfather already busy making his own army of Lanterns to kick Darkseid's ass? I think somebody screwed up because we've seen that when Highfather turns somebody into one of his soldiers, he definitely outfits them in some kind of Kirby costume. I think the captured Red and Blue Lanterns in that scene should have been yellow. And only the Indigo should have the stupid tattoo on their foreheads.

Sinestro isn't the only Lantern that wants a chance to prove themselves as leader! John Stewart has a plan as well!

This plan is worse than the acting creepy plan!

I would accept that this plan made sense except DC has already established in just about every Lantern comic book that space travel takes no time at all. Not for Green Lanterns. Not for Red Lanterns. Not for Superman (except the one time he had to travel all the way back from the Preboot Universe after defeating Brainiac). Not for the Authority. Not for Lobo. Not for Batman. Everybody might as well already be teleporting! The only time the Lanterns can't travel somewhere instantly is if the plot depends on it and then I'm told I have to believe this bullshit. And I try! I really do try! But then a Ring Bearer will pull a lantern out of a pocket dimension and my head explodes.

Doesn't the Green Lantern Corps have a "Human" Resources Department to provide sensitivity training to its members?

How can you protect everybody in the universe if you can't respect those that don't look like you, Arisia, you stupid orange skinned, pointy eared girl!

A fight breaks out between the Green and Yellow Lanterns and lasts for quite a few pages. I guess Cullen Bunn wasn't allowed to advance the Godhead plot on his own so he was told to vamp it up this month. The pacing on these huge crossovers never runs very smoothly. I think DC tends to over commit when doing the outline and then always realizes they don't need as many issues as they planned to tell the story.

Somebody could have at least told the artists which hand Arkillo was missing though.

Sinestro's Creepy Plan culminates in Bekka being offered a Yellow Lantern Ring. Why she'd want something less powerful than a stick, I can't say. But it seems like Highfather is going to lose this battle due to a lack of loyalty. Although I'm still hoping Kyle sits down with him and introduces him to popcorn and Wargames.

Highfather: "I...I...I get it! Darkseid is the Xs and I'm the Os!"

After everybody calms down, Stewart and Sinestro gather their forces to ambush a New God and steal the New God's Mother Box. But Indigo-1 betrays them for some reason (probably out of Compassion), and teleports them right into Orion's clutches.

Sinestro #7 Rating: How did this comic book escape cancellation in the recent batch of cancellations?! Sinestro must have more loyal fans than I would have ever guessed. I used to be one of those fans although, admittedly, only because of Challenge of the Superfriends. But this comic book has cured me of that! Sinestro is a boring prig that can't stop pining over Hal Jordan. Move on already! Go find somebody that will love you back!

Red Lanterns #36

Guy Gardner should be the next DC character to get a television show.

This would be my pitch for a Guy Gardner television show. Each episode would be two interweaving stories of equal length. One would be about Guy Gardner as a preteen kid growing up in Boston living with his drunk cop father that loves him less than the other kids. The theme of that story will tie in to the theme of the story of Guy Gardner as an adult as he deals with becoming a Green Lantern. The adult Guy Gardner will come off as a complete dick so that if you only had access to the adult part of the story, you couldn't find any reason to like him at all. But the childhood story would reveal why he's acting so angry or cocky or bitter in the face of the current episodic problem he's dealing with as an adult. I think it would be a tough show to write because I'd really want Guy as an adult to be completely unlikable on his own yet his younger self would be irresistibly charming and innocent as he tries to navigate his harsh world. The audience couldn't help but root for his younger self which would, unless they're total monsters, lead them to eventually feel sympathy towards, and maybe even learn to understand and actually like, adult Guy Gardner. And I don't mean some trite shit like showing Guy abused and then we have to realize Guy is abusive because of his childhood trauma. I mean shit like young Guy sees his father constantly take it in the ass (figuratively) by some officious jerks in the department driving his father to drink too much and run over the family dog. So then adult Guy meets up with an officious, bureaucratic alien race which drives him to drink every time he has to deal with them and then purposefully running speeding through one of the alien races dog parks and squashing a bunch of their furry friends. See? You'd hate that Guy! But maybe you'd understand him a little bit through the childhood story!

Guy Gardner has always been one of those characters I've always felt particularly close to. I love that he's got the heart of a true hero and realizes that the bottom line when saving the day isn't that you're well liked. He's got a lot of rough edges that keep people from being close to him and, tragically or not, he seems to be most comfortable within those rough edges. Why else would he be growing out that mustache?

I've been unconsciously wanting a buddy comic with these two guys. Probably! It was unconscious so I can't be totally sure of it.

Simon Baz, peacemaker, and Guy Gardner, Bar Room Brawl Starter, have a short discussion about what to do next. Guy feels like he should die battling gods and Simon Baz thinks Guy should not die battling people that just think they're gods but cannot compare to Allah, true light of mercy and redemption. They'll probably compromise and either not die battling gods, or die battling people that think they're gods.

Over on New Genesis, Malhedron brings up a good point about the cosmic cold war between New Genesis and Apokolips.

Somebody get Highfather a copy of Wargames pronto!

Simon and Guy (they should open a business together. "Simon and Guy's Bagels." Or, um, something) visit Cyborg because Cyborg has the technology to transport them to New Genesis. But Cyborg, being young, is still holding a grudge against Simon Baz for trying to save the world by beating up the Justice League when Superman and Wonder Woman were first starting to get freaky. But he doesn't even know Guy!

How can you not like Guy's response to this?! I hate people that hate Guy Gardner! Hate is a strong word but I think it's called for in this instance.

Hal is a douche, Vic. Don't trust that idiot! Trust Simon and Guy! They're the lanterns you're going to have to deal with on a semi-regular basis from now on. Anyway, when was the last time Hal was around to help the Justice League? That asshole completely abandoned you guys!

Victor wants no part in sending Simon and Guy to New Genesis via his BOOM Tube technology. I think maybe they need to make a call to Alfred Pennyworth! Is this issue going to end with Victor waking up on the floor woozy from the cyber-drugs and thinking, "Not again!"

Simon Baz threatens to shut down STAR Labs and put Vic's dad out on the street. And instead of Vic saying, "Good! Fuck that asshole!" he says, "*grumble mumble rumble* Fine."

Simon and Guy (I can't not type that without picturing them flying down the streets of San Francisco in a gold Chevy Nova) don't trust the Justice League to take care of the Earth while they're gone, so they bring in some outside Lantern help.

Someday, B'dg is going to snap, gather up all the Green Lanterns in his cheeks, and look cute as all hell!

Simon and Guy request that Cyborg BOOM Tube them somewhere out of the way on New Genesis. I think that's the kind of request you make to people that you haven't just threatened. So I don't think it's a mistake or a miscalculation or an accident on Victor's part that he BOOM Tubes Simon and Guy directly on top of Malhedron and Dia. The fact that Mal and Dia were currently naked and about to BOOM Tube their own selves is just a happy coincidence.

The good thing, which Simon and Guy don't realize at the time, is that Malhedron, originally from Apokolips, is beginning to question Highfather's need to defeat Darkseid at the cost of everything else in the universe. I still think a copy of Wargames would help him understand what he's doing is wrong.

In the moment (because Malhedron needs time to recognize allies!), Mal and Dia try to kill Simon and Guy. But Highfather stops them. I guess Highfather likes to watch Mal and Dia fuck so he was alerted to the Lantern invasion as soon as it happened. He orders Mal to put Simon and Guy in a Miracle Prison where they shall be interrogated by Malhedron. That's when he'll realize these guys are his allies!

Red Lanterns #36 Rating: This is one of my favorite comics but it only became so after Charles Soule began writing it. Or after Guy Gardner joined. It's hard to separate the two, really! This comic book had such a hard time finding its voice that I'm nervous about what's going to happen to it once Soule leaves DC for good to go be a stupid dumb dumb head over at Marvel. I like to embrace my bitter, wounded, oft betrayed inner child!