Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

The Multiversity: Pax Americana #1

Earth-4! Earth-4! Earth-4 is on fire! We don't need no heroes! Let that motherfucker burn!

Maybe this issue will be the one where everything is finally explained as opposed to being an entirely separate story about a different Earth where the Gentry are busy gentrifying it and putting in Artsy Toy Stores, and Artisan Pizza Places with forty-five minute waits, and movie theaters with couches that serve wine and apéritifs, and ice cream parlours with flavors like Strawberries And Bone Meal or Cookies and Cow Tongue. I'm really starting to get angry at The Gentry! I don't care if they drive out the previous residents due to increases in rent and property values! I just wish they didn't think a neighborhood needs one record store per block!

The original Earth-4 housed the Watchmen! Well, it housed the guys the Watchmen were based on. You know, the Charlton comic book characters like Blue Beetle and Captain Atom and Nightshade and The Question and probably a bunch of other ones that I never heard about. That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen.

See? This is practically an exact reprinting of the blood spattered happy face button!

Hey? Remember when Chris Rock did that bit about how there would be a black president before a black vice-president? He was totally right!

It looks like the President of Pax America was Mister Eight! That symbol on that ring couldn't possibly mean anything else! Unless it's representative of a Domino Mask! That's a possibility. But there aren't any other possibilities! Also, Mister Eight is Terry Sloan who is also the original, and much whiter, Mister Terrific. Also, I really don't think that Terry Sloan will have anything to do with this comic book so I'm sorry for completely wasting your time with this paragraph which was all complete bullshit. Except for the Domino Mask part.

The president was shot in the head by (and I'm really stretching my comic book knowledge here so don't burn effigies of me if I'm wrong!) Peacemaker as he falls out of the sky. That's why the president falls over and bleeds all over the car and then the flag catches on fire which is what the image on the cover is! I guess I'm reading this comic book backwards! So now the question is, do I keep reading it backwards as I imagine it was intended to be read? Or do I say "Fuck you, Grant Morrison!" and begin reading from back to front? Knowing Grant Morrison, he's probably expecting that! Which means I'm going to keep reading it non-Manga style!

Whew! Good thing I kept reading it forwards like a good citizen in lockstep with regularity and tradition!

The new president's daughter is Nightshade, a superhero. But now, he says, it's time to end all superheroes! That's Watchmen talk!

The president and Nightshade's journey to the "exit strategy" is a cute little mini-scene where their words describe their passage across the page. It's too clever for its own good! I'm excising it from my comic book right now!

Meanwhile, Blue Beetle is chasing after The Question. Blue Beetle is all, "You're crazy like that guy from that Alan Moore book!" And The Question is all, "What? Where? Why? How? When?!" Then The Question is all, "Whoop whoop whoop whoop!" and Blue Beetle is all, "QUEEEEEEEEESTIIOOOOOON!" And then The Question runs into Nightshade.

I control the board! Me!

Just because I haven't mentioned all the similarities between the background images, the art, and the panel layouts between this and the Watchmen, don't think that I'm missing them. It's just that I covered them earlier when I said "That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen." You know, before I even opened the comic book!

The Question escapes to search for clues at the crime scene of Nora O'Rourke who had cracked the code of Algorithm 8. See?! An 8! Just like on the ring! Unless the ring was representative of googly eyes. Maybe it's Algorithm Googly Eyes?

And then Captain Atom.

Aha! So I could have read the comic book backwards and it wouldn't have changed anything! Or, um, would it have? Um, what's going on here?! Why is this comic book acknowledging me?!

Whoever the Charlton version of The Comedian is (Sergeant Lane? Whoever that is?! (unless it's one of The Gentry since he mentions the scientists opening a hole to hell and he came crawling out) comes in, immediately after Captain Atom is sucked through a government sponsored black hole and out of the Earth-4 universe, to murder the scientists behind Cap's eviction.

So Nora was onto some conspiracy involving President Harley and his Algorithm 8. She thought the president was experimenting with Captain Atom for a new source of fuel but he was actually just trying to get rid of Captain Atom. Then The Comedian (or his Charlton equivalent which I still don't know. Judomaster?! Who else is there?) killed her to keep her quiet. But Peacemaker already knew too much so he took out the president. Now The Question is trying to piece it all together while The Comedian tries to beat some information out of Peacemaker to find out why he killed the president. I have a feeling Nightshade's dad, the new president, is in on the plot.

And since this is a Multiversity comic book, the plot must revolve around The Gentry taking over Earth-4. And it all has to do with that number 8! Unless it's representative of a pair of boobies! But nothing else. I can't think of anything else it could be a symbol for!

Earlier (when the president was still alive), Soon-to-be-president Harley made a deal with Captain Atom. It was a deal straight out of comic books which would change the world.

So when Peacemaker and Nora were talking about the president's plan on the night she was killed, they were talking about a plan by the president to have Peacemaker kill the president! And since Peacemaker has faith in the President's Algorithm 8 (because Harley has "been right so far" while using it), he agrees.

So now everybody is just waiting for Doctor Atom to return and resurrect the president so that thousands of years of peace can begin! So, you know, a lot like Ozymandias's plan! Which means The Question is probably going to fuck it all up, isn't he?!

One other thing Question has been wondering about: a hero named Yellowjacket.

Remember that Before Watchmen project DC did? This single issue has been so much better than that entire series.

Turns out Yellowjacket was Harley's father whom he accidentally killed one night. As he went through his father's things, he found a gun. And then his father, dressed as Yellow Jacket, came in the window because he forgot his keys. And Harley shot him. So Harley's plan to sacrifice himself was his own way of punishing himself for killing his father while also trying to bring peace to the world. His Algorithm 8 seems to be a moment when he was visited by Captain Atom who showed him a glimpse of all time. And I guess he had a good memory?

And I guess now they wait for Captain Atom to return from helping save the Multiverse. According to Algorithm 8, he should come back and resurrect the president and redeem Peacemaker and inspire everybody to live peaceful lives of peace and inspiration! Theoretically, that's a much better plan than the Watchmen plan which decided to use fear of the other to bring everybody together! And it's better than the Vice President's plan which, I suppose, was a deal he made with The Gentry to turn his world into Pax Americana where there would be peace through intimidation and threats of force.

Now if I could just figure out what that symbol on the ring meant!

Batman Loves Superman #16

Superman's dance is called 'Steering the tractor.' Batman is in awe of it.

I hope this story by Greg Pak doesn't involve Superman and Batman losing any of their memories! They hardly have any memories left after the last fifteen issues. Plus Batman died and had his organs replaced by Toymaster parts! I think. Was that something that really happened or a misremembered forgotten memory?

Greg Pak has really disappointed me since his first Batman Loves Superman story arc. His stories would be better if they were taking place on Earth-47, the Earth where stories happen that don't really make sense for the current continuity because characters would have knowledge they never had in previous appearances and/or the heroes have toys beating in their chests. Earth-47 might actually be a different Earth but it hasn't appeared in Multiversity yet, so I think it's unassigned!

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane that's less thought out than the rambling, incoherent shit I type on a daily basis. Her great big fucking ego has decided that she gets to declare that things around the world feel good again! I suppose you can say things are definitely better than when she was putting everybody into comas and watching comatose pilots with planes full of comatose people plunge out of the sky. And since Lois Lane is the arbiter of reality, I guess it's okay for the rest of the world to let out a shaky breath they hadn't realized they'd been keeping in, mop off their brow, and smile! Lois Lane has declared things are better! Let's fucking celebrate!

Things might be good again but do you guys really think it's a good time to prank the penguins?

Maybe this is how Superman helps farm ambergris? Although it would help if he knew what a Sperm Whale looked like.

Also, I have my doubts that Steel could fly while carrying a Killer Whale. It's just so preposterous that it's making me snort in derision! Try to keep at least one little toe planted in reality, comic books!

What's actually happening is Superman, Supergirl, and Steel must have been sitting around watching Blackfish and decided to kidnap some Killer Whales to make themselves feel better. I guess they figured they could get around with pissing off Sea World since Batman wasn't around to ask, "What gives us the right?!" Or something similarly stodgy and uptight.

And then a Killer Whale explodes. Followed by Krypto, Supergirl, and Steel all being hit by high velocity something or others. Ha! Serves them right! They never should have messed with Sea World!

Some guy in a children's ward dressed as Superman gets shot in the chest and dies about the same time as the Killer Whale's head explodes. But no projectiles or bombs or shrapnel were found on the whale or the guy portraying Juggling Superman, as seen in probably a fuckton of Superman comic books from the sixties. That must mean the projectile was made of ice! That's "Get Away With Murder 101"! You should always use an ice gun with ice bullets and ice gunpowder so that only water will be found at the scene of the crime. Unless you kill the person in below freezing conditions and then the police might find the ice bullet and the ice gun and probably you with your tongue stuck to the ice gun.

Superman knows a mystery when he sees one and luckily one of his best friends solves mysteries for a living! He heads to Gotham and asks Batman to start searching for clues!

"Clues?!" says Batman as he tries to stand in a manner that hides his erection. "I was made to find clues!"

"You may not find any on this case, Batman! I have decided to dub this case 'The Case of the Mystery That Stumped Superman!' Do not feel ashamed if you find no clues on this one, old chum!" lectured Superman as he secretly giggled in his mind because he would love to see Batman fail! Except he must have giggled a little bit in his mouth too because Batman looked hurt.

"You do not think I am the World's Greatest Detective, amigo? Well I will show you! I will solve this case in a heartbeat because I know a case that should be called 'The Case of the Melt-Away Weapon' when I see one!" Superman nodded wisely. "Of course you will solve this case! Unless, I mean, you are the world's greatest detective. What if the answer to this mystery is...out of this world!?"

Batman glared at Superman until Superman felt uncomfortable which took about three and a half seconds. Then Superman muttered an apology and they set out to solve the case which was really called, unbeknownst to them, "The Case of the Soon To Be Missing Memories!"

Kid, this is serious business and not the time for scrotum jokes!

If this kid actually thought that other guy with the huge gut was Superman, then he must be hospitalized for stupidity. Or if you're a romantic and not a cynical douchebag, maybe he was hospitalized for (when you read the following italicized phrase, close your eyes, tilt your head up at about a forty-five degree angle and do a bit of a Ray Charles head bob as you accentuate each syllable) wanting to believe.

A rare modern age appearance of Juggling Superman! Except he's juggling all wrong. Unless he's doing his 'juggling like a Looney Tunes character' act.

Batman says, "Why are you wasting time with witnesses to the man's murder, Superman? We should get back to finding clues!" And Superman is all, "You are a clue!" The children all laugh at Batman and he commits each of their faces to memory in the hopes he will one day catch them acting like juvenile delinquents so that he can break some of their bones.

Before Batman and Superman leave, one of the clues says, "Superman had a bug on his shirt right next to the ketchup and the gaping hole where I could see his beating heart!" Superman and Batman gasp! A bug! They suddenly had a trail and they were hot on it! "Let us go ask the Bat-Computer about Bugs, Superman! It will be fun!"

Batman checks all the files on the Bat-Computer as Superman lists all of his enemies. But Batman shakes his head and says, "No, no! None of that makes sense! Why would your enemies try to hurt you and your friends and complete strangers that wear your Underoos? Also, we need to think about this situation involving you as if it were involving me because we aren't talking about me enough!" Then Batman thinks for a second, snaps his Bat-Fingers, and says:

So cute! Batman has a Catwoman chair! I mean, doesn't Batman have any updated pictures of The Joker? His face is kind of doing this weird barely hanging on thing these days.

Superman gasps! "Brilliant deduction, Batman! Now who could my Joker be? Mr. Mxyzptlk? The Prankster? The Toymaster? Captain Swirlie? Atomic Wedgie?" Superman thinks for a moment and says, "Is this where we forget everything we've been doing?"

"Not yet!" says Batman! "First, we must solve this case which will reveal something super exciting but maybe too exciting for us to have knowledge of when we next appear in a different comic book. I mean, on a different case! So do not forget yet, pal! We have more clues to find!"

Superman wants to know how to combat a Joker and Batman says, "You monitor everybody close to you that your nemesis might know about! And you win a few! But you can't think of everything. So you lose a few." And when Batman says "You lose a few," he thinks of four scenes: Jason Todd being killed, Babs in her wheelchair, his Bat-Family with their "faces" cut off at the Joker's dinner party, and a bunch of random people killed with Joker Toxin. Out of those four scenarios, three of them are people he should have been monitoring which would have been his wins! Batman is horrible at his own advice!

Plus, Superman's Joker seems to have hacked into the Batcave. So when Batman brings up camera shots on all of Superman's friends (plus a picture of dead Superboy because why not, right?), Superman's Joker learns everybody close to Superman! Really? So Superman's Joker went through the nearly impossible task of hacking into and taking control of Batman's computer to find out the relatively easy research work (in comparison to hacking Bruce's computer) of finding out who is close to Superman? How did Superman's Joker know that Batman would have cameras keeping an eye on everybody close to Superman?! Oh wait. Everybody knows Batman is fucking paranoid and monitors every single aspect of the lives and the lives of the friends and family of all the members of the Justice League.

Batman Loves Superman #16 Rating: I guess Greg Pak realized his stories weren't making sense so he thought, "How do I use that to my advantage?!" Then he realized that The Joker doesn't make sense! So if Superman has a Joker, none of Superman's Joker's plans would have to make any sense because he's just crazy! So he basically spent this issue telling the readers that if things don't make sense then the story is going exactly as planned!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13

Superhero prom was a blast! Superman even lost his eye in the dance-off!

Last issue was Charles Soule's last issue which is disappointing. But this issue is by Peter J. Tomasi which should be encouraging! But then Jenstanfield basically said this issue ate curried dick. So now I'm nervous that I'm going to like this issue! Also, curried dick sounds delicious! I want to go back to Berlin so I can wander around in the dark covered in currywurst curry and acting arrogant and above the Europeans. Can you believe they think culture is more important than money? Idiots!

Also, Europeans might not think that. How should I know? I'm an American! I don't give any thought at all to what people in the other parts of the world think! I'm sure most thoughts which consume their day have to do with wishing they were born in the greatest country on Earth! I think that's Denmark. Or one of the long Fjordick countries. Those are the countries with the Fjords that look like dicks and are also Nordic. So it's quite the clever thing to call them.

This issue begins five years ago when Superman and Wonder Woman first met eyes across a crowded battlefield full of parademons. It was love at first super sight! You think I'm making that up but I'm on page one and that's what is happening! Kind of. At the very least, the issue is called "Battlefield of Love" which is probably why I came up with the eyes meeting across a battlefield. It was either that or all of the parademons they're slaughtering while feeling their first giddy rush and sexual tinglings of a crush.

They bicker a lot on their first meeting because Superman tries to tell her what to do and Wonder Woman tells Superman he is a huge idiot. Young love!

Is this man hiding the child's eyes from the excessive violence or the fantastic ass? Oh wait. They're in America. I know the answer to that one. The little girl either wants Wonder Woman to blow her horn or fist the parademon.

While the parademons massacre the civilians of Metropolis, Wonder Woman and Superman think it's a good time to get into a philosophical discussion about heroes and weakness and evisceration. I don't know why Batman hasn't butted in to tell them that they're both idiots and that they should not be multitasking at a time like this! But then, Batman is probably too busy multitasking to talk to them.

I watched the first episode of American Horror Story last night and I think I'm peeing blood this morning!

Um, anyway, that probably isn't a huge issue. So Superman thinks constantly lecturing Wonder Woman is the most useful thing he can do during the battle. That's how Bruce treats Selina! So you know Superman is in love!

I just realized something! Comic book relationships might be awful examples of relationships!

But that was the past! What's going on in the present, Superman and Wonder Woman?!

That dress is proof that Planetary exists in The New 52 because Diana obviously borrowed it from Jakita Warner.

Wonder Woman really doesn't understand typewriters because she asks Superman why he doesn't type faster. Regular humans can type too fast to jam up typewriters! Hell, Superman probably can't even type super fast on a laptop without destroying it. But Superman's real problem is that he's not a very good journalist and constantly second guesses everything he begins to type. It's probably because he's using Ernest Hemingway's old typewriter. Why use the typewriter of a lousy writer?! He should be using one of Steinbeck's!

Did Peter J. Tomasi watch an episode of Perfect Strangers before watching this and decide to base his Wonder Woman on Balki? Why doesn't she understand anything?! Why does Superman have to keep explaining everything to her like she's a child?! Did she take a blow to the head recently?

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh, wait. It's just Clark Kent and his way too hot girlfriend! Although without the glasses, is this really just Superman in a suit?

I guess it doesn't matter if Clark and Diana are in disguise because I don't recognize them anyway when drawn by Doug Mahnke and Jaime Mendoza!

While Clark and Diana are out on a date surrounded by people pretending not to know who they are, some guys at a nuclear power plant run into a person they think is a Star Sapphire.

I can see how he could make that mistake.

Are all of the people in Peter J. Tomasi's world idiots?! Who sees a guy with a flaming purple skull and thinks, "Love!"? Besides me?

Atomic Skull is working with Major Disaster who used to go by Captain Disaster until he realized that wasn't funny at all.

If I were Major Disaster, I would be worried about working so close to a guy with see-through skin and purple flames who has "atomic" in his name. I also wouldn't feel comfortable helping him break into a nuclear reactor so he can eat the fuel rods! Major Disaster is as stupid as everybody else in this comic book!

Superman and Wonder Woman feel the earthquake caused by Major Disaster and Wonder Woman determines that the earthquake can't be natural because they're in New York City. I think she'd be surprised! At least the possibility of super villains gets Wonder Woman to finally remove that hideous dress! And Superman in a suit decides to finally lose the suit. Does Clark's disguise still work if he pretends he's wearing contacts?

I bet if Clark Kent ever came to Portland, everybody would recognize him as Superman since they'd see just another guy wearing fake glasses. They'd see right through the disguise! Just like they see right through their fake glasses!

Isn't that dangerous? Biting into a fuel rod like that? While in a tornado?

Major Disaster takes out Wonder Woman with hailstones. I'm not sure if I'd call hail a "major" disaster. I guess it can cause a lot of damage to cars but is it really worthy of a visit from FEMA?

Is that a thing? Hot girls like more ice? Is it because they're so hot that they can't cool down? I'm just going to pretend like that other panel never happened.

Atomic Skull adds some nuclear knuckle sandwiches to the menu and Major Disaster finishes the whole thing off with a bunch of lightning strikes. Then as Major Disaster and Atomic Skull fly off to meet up with the brains of whatever new outfit they've joined, they're captured by a new guy named Wonderstar. His chest emblem is a penis entering a butthole. No, no. Seriously.

Okay, maybe it's representative of titty fucking.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13 Rating: Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between a comic book I enjoyed and a comic book I simply enjoyed commenting on! I kind of liked this issue in the whole Challenge of the Superfriends way in that Superman and Wonder Woman got to battle a couple of B-list villains (I don't care how powerful Atomic Skull might be. He's still B-list (and that might be generous)). But I wasn't happy to see Wonder Woman being portrayed as a clueless foreigner. And Superman really was acting a lot like Bruce in the way he treated Diana on their first meeting in the fight against Darkseid. Why wasn't he lecturing Green Lantern or Batman or The Flash? Oh, wait. I think it has something to do with the organ they use for pissing. Also, holy Christ! That dress was hideous.

Teen Titans #4

Kinky.

That robot is breaking like every rule Asimov ever came up with! The only way a robot can violate Asimov's laws is if the robot isn't actually sentient and is still following a set of human programmed instructions. That means that Algorithm here isn't sentient! Which means it's okay if Wonder Girl wants to kill her. Again! Nobody would bat an eye if I beat the shit out of my microwave with a crowbar, right? But what if I beat Stephen Hawking to death with a crowbar? Everybody would realize that was wrong! Killing a robot falls somewhere in-between those two acts, so sometimes it's hard to tell how ethical you've behaved when you've just curbstomped a robot. Did you save humanity or destroy a sentient being with its own free will? And even if you did save the world from the future machine world takeover, you still might be convicted of killing a sentient creature and all of humanity will hate you because they'll never know what you've truly done for them. But at least you can sit in your sell rotting away with the proud feeling that must infuse all martyrs as they convince themselves they saved mankind.

I once saved the world although nobody will ever know it. A monstrous robot appeared in a time machine in Portland, Oregon, last year and preceded to slaughter everybody in downtown. But I saw him arrive so I snuck into his time machine, set the dates to return to the future but five minutes before it had left. Then I walked out of the time machine and watched it disappear to the future where it presumably landed on top of itself and the robot within it preparing to time travel, killing him before he could ever arrive back in time. That's a true story and any paradoxes you think you've ferreted out of the story never existed due to time travel. Or something.

Sure! Now you're paying attention and using 12th Grade levels of reading comprehension putting you in the 99.8 percentile! But you still read the entire run of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans and didn't fucking bat an eye about how horrible that was! My time travel story is perfect! Tom DeFalco told me so!

I wish DC would release two versions of every comic book. One with the Narration Boxes and one without. Because most scenes rarely need the additional information given by the Narration Boxes.

The writers need the Narration Boxes more than the readers do. I think it shows a writer without enough confidence in the artist to get the ideas in the script across and/or the readers to interpret the action in the way the writer wants them to interpret it. Like in the above scene, I imagine Will Pfeifer doesn't want the reader coming to the conclusion that Tim Drake is fleeing out of cowardice and an inability to battle Algorithm one on one. So Will makes sure we know Robin could stop her but he needs a moment to recuperate from the first attack. I suppose some people like to be led along by the hand through everything they read. But if I wanted to read this much text, I'd pick up an actual book. Let the pictures tell the story sometimes, guys!

"Oh, well if you say he isn't defeating me, Manchester, then I guess he's not! Could you also tell me that I'm a real girl and my vagina isn't composed of a Campbell's soup can?"

Why is STAR Labs using soup cans as parts of their sophisticated line of hot, sentient robots? Cheap bastards.

Red Robin hacks into an employee's computer terminal and discovers through reading multiple emails, instant messages, and Facebook status updates, in only a matter of seconds, the location of a super secret Deus Ex Machina which can destroy Algorithm and has been hidden away in a sealed subbasement. Sure, that doesn't stretch the bounds of believability in any number of ways at all! Not at fucking all! Red Robin is obviously a speed reader that can read dozens of open windows at the same exact time. And he just happens to be able to find all the right documents which contain accurate information from sources that don't actually know what they're talking about but, you know, they did hear it from a friend of a friend, so it's probably true! And these leads just happen to point straight to a weapon that can save Red Robin's life and that weapon just happens to be sealed away because why should anybody ever have access to it at all since it's so Goddamned awesome! But, you know, just in case any of this is too unbelievable and it doesn't pan out exactly how Red Robin thinks it will pan out after five seconds of research, Tim makes sure to alert the other Teen Titans that he's probably dead within STAR Labs and maybe they should stop the robot that killed him. But first she probably forces him to lick out the insides of her soup can.

Meanwhile in front of Cassie's apartment, Wonder Girl discovers her mother waiting for her and then promptly throws out her back.

So Raven has inspired a band, Wonder Girl has inspired a gang, and Bunker is inspiring all kinds of people to stand up to people who may or may not be homophobic or maybe just ungrateful or maybe just awkwardly trying to phrase an invite to dinner. Is that what Pfiefer's theme for this comic book is? Inspiring other people to aspire to being inspiring?

I'm so fucking sick of everybody being so fucking inspiring. Inspiration is bullshit! Somebody else doing something shouldn't inspire you to pursue whatever you want to pursue. The dream of the thing you want to pursue should inspire you to pursue the thing you want to pursue. Don't let other people tell you you can't do something and don't think other people telling you you can do something are some kind of Goddamned hero. "If I can do it, so can you!" is some of the tritest horseshit anybody has ever said.

And how have the Teen Titans inspired all of these youngsters anyway? What the fuck did they ever do in the previous run of the comic book that put them in the public eye and proved they were heroes? Mostly they just beat each other up and were blamed for killing soldiers and vandalizing public property and traveled through time! What regular citizens of The New 52 even had a chance to hear about these assholes?!

Well, that's what you get for listening to the rumors of disgruntled employees, smart guy!

Before Algorithm can kill Tim Drake, she gets a message from Manchester Black that she won't be killing Tim Drake. Because, you see, it's just as I surmised when I realized she was breaking Asimov's law which sentient robots cannot do! It's a law, for God's sake! And if she was trying to kill a human, that meant she wasn't sentient at all but just a preprogrammed microwave oven.

Too bad she wasn't programmed to kill since she would be capable of killing. I would say that was ironic but then some asshole nerd would tell me that it's not ironic even though that asshole nerd would be wrong. But why get into an argument about irony when it's so fucking hard to prove if something is or isn't ironic! Especially when I base all of my arguments on the examples in Alanis Morissette's song.

Algorithm's saving grace is another science fiction law concerning robots and that's the Pinocchio Conundrum. When does a robot become a real person? Must it break programming? Must it just think of itself as a real person? Must it engage in hugging? Does it need to meet another robot which inspires it to be human by rebelling against its makers? Does it need a "blue fairy" to "magic" it up? In this case, a blue fairy would be a scientist and magic would be better technology. Or does it merely have to declare itself a real, living creature to make it so?

Well, in this case, Algorithm is still doing as she was programmed. Manchester programmed her to think she's alive and to want to kill Manchester Black after he stops her from killing Red Robin. And he makes sure all the cameras in the building are filming the scene. Or something. I don't know.

Seriously though. Why does the entire building need to be looking into his office?

Let me guess. Now this video is going to go viral and Red Robin is going to inspire people to be inspiring!

Red Robin, who almost always knows exactly what's going on and why, says to Manchester Black, "I don't get it. What are we talking about here?" when Manchester Black is obviously talking about a partnership. He has manipulated the Teen Titans into believing that STAR Labs needs their protection so that STAR Labs can work with the Teen Titans. Also so that Manchester Black and his buddy whose name I've forgotten can have the protection of super heroes as they go about their sinister deeds.

So Tim's not a little bit suspicious about a scientist that goes to work shirtless in leather pants with a huge tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest? It's not quite like that guy at NASA with the mohawk. This guy is shirtless! And his last name is Black!

I think Manchester Black is trying too hard. He's a "man" with a Union Jack on his "chest" who wears "black" leather clothing. I get it, I get it! Jeez! You really fucking commit, Manny.

Teen Titans #4 Rating: I wish I was actually rating comic books this month because this one would get a gigantic raspberry.

Justice League #36

The secret is that it steals super powers from those with super powers and gives those super powers to people without super powers. So a whole lot of infected people are probably going to be seriously disappointed when they realize they can merely speak with fish.

I don't really know what the secret of the Amazo Virus is. But I have to figure it has something to do with Amazo's powers since it was named after him, right? That's the smart guess! The dumb guess would be to think it caused everybody to say that everything was "Amazing!" Actually, I think that virus is already loose on the world.

Last issue, the Amazo Virus was breached and Lex Luthor's warning computer said, "The infection begins now." Or something like that. That's a pretty dramatic warning to program into your security system. Instead of something like, "Risk of Infection now approaching 100%," or something more scientific, the computer simply acts like a stage production of "You're All About To Die" is just beginning.

This issue begins twenty-four hours after the Amazo Virus was set loose in Metropolis. Metropolis is mostly deserted except for a few sick looters. Biohazard Batman and Superman have been tasked with rounding up the infected and putting them in quarantine.

Symptoms of the Amazo Virus are random super powers. So it's like Bloodlines! Or the Terrigen Mist! Or any of the other various bombs, blasts, or airborne illnesses that have turned normal people into super heroes in the past.

Now that normal humans are receiving super powers, the Justice League and other super heroes feel threatened. So they have to quarantine everyone and figure out how to cure them of their super powers because you can't have just anybody gaining super powers. I mean, that's generally how it works. But you can't allow lots and lots and lots of people to gain super powers all at the same time. So the Justice League will probably tell them that they're going to die if they don't take the cure. You know, just so it doesn't seem like the Justice League is being petty and acting like selfish assholes.

Most of the rest of the Justice League have been infected and are dying. Batman seems to think finding Patient Zero is their best effort at curing the virus. Why? I don't know! Isn't that always the way? At least it gives Batman and Superman something to do. Lex Luthor (who, like Batman, was at the center of the exposure and is not infected) is taking care of the sick league members. Wonder Woman is hanging around with him casually threatening him to help her friends. She's immune to the virus because she's a demi-god.

Wait. If the virus wasn't airborne to begin with, did Patient Zero run up into the lab and snort it up his sinus cavity? Inject it into his veins? Dip his herpes-sores covered penis into it?

Maybe Patient Zero is Bizarro! I can see Bizarro doing one of those weird things to the disease. Maybe he ingested it all to try to save Metropolis but then it infected him and then mutated to be airborne. Then he flew around farting Amazo Virus into everybody's faces.

Turns out Neutron was trying to kill Lex Luthor for reasons that will be familiar to all comic book fans: somebody put out a generalized hit on Lex Luthor, payment going to the first super villain that succeeds. The next person in line is some guy named Bullet.

And then Superman and Batman find Patient Zero.

Jimmy? Jimmy Olsen?

Justice League #36 Rating: This is like the worst episode ever of House! A container full of a non-airborne virus is punctured which somehow infects one single person. Then while the virus is inside that single person, it just happens to mutate and become airborne! And from that one person, the contagion spreads across an entire city in less than 24 hours and has somehow moved on to other cities even though Lex and Bruce knew exactly what was happening immediately and got the authorities to stop all travel into and out of the city. So am I supposed to believe that Patient Zero (who I'm just going to assume was Jimmy Olsen) somehow got the virus into an open cut on his body while being nowhere near the breached container. Then he instantly became sick without knowing it and started coughing in everybody's faces? Obviously Patient One must be Lois Lane then because she's the only person that will talk to him. Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about and it really all makes complete sense! It's not like I know anything about medicine except what I've seen in old reruns of Trapper John, MD. Oh, and House!

Harley Quinn #12

I'm conflicted! Lego characters are the least sexy characters of any characters ever. And yet, their hands are pre-shaped for giving handies!

Everybody knew a Harley Quinn book would sell like crazy no matter who was writing or drawing it. I'm surprised DC didn't give this series to Ann Nocenti. I would have loved that! Or maybe I would have hated it? It's hard to say. I think I'm just going through Ann Nocenti withdrawals since my comic book store forgot to put Klarion #2 in my pull box last month and I just realized I was missing it. Maybe they were just trying to keep me sane?

Last issue (not the smelly issue! The regular issue!), Harley Quinn and Power Girl had teamed up to defeat The Clock King and Sportsmaster. That doesn't sound like much of a challenge for Power Girl. One guy has a fascination with time pieces and the other commits crime wearing various pieces of sports equipment. They sound like the kind of criminals Adam West's Batman would have battled.

Should Clock King be so casual about referencing oral sex in a Teen Rated comic book? And why is Harley Quinn agreeing with him?!

Clock King has a teleportation device that sends Harley and Karen to another planet ruled by a massive Pug and his four-breasted humanoid queen. I didn't know teleportation came standard on wristwatches! Maybe I should look into wearing one again.

A human chained to a rock identifies Power Girl as a superhero of Earth. But before he can point out that Harley Quinn is a super villain, Harley Quinn blows him to bits with a gun she grabbed off one of the alien guards. Good thing she killed the guy before he could point out she is a killer!

Power Girl doesn't seem too fazed. I wonder how many more people Harley can kill before Power Girl gets upset?

The massive pug really is the four-breasted humanoid's husband. After he sits on Harley's face, King Pug decides to parlay with Power Girl and Harley Quinn instead of enslaving them. Partly because Harley killed his wife's lover but mostly because Power Girl is too powerful to be enslaved. Parlaying with the huge talking Pug reveals a way back home.

Earlier, the dog ate his wife. Power Girl, once again, doesn't seem fazed to be working with a murderer who engages in domestic violence.

Oh wait. Maybe I should have read the next page.

Although I can maintain the integrity of my narrative by believing that Harley is speaking the wife-eating bubbles.

Manos's realm is guarded by a huge sentient slice of pizza. Is that a parody of some Marvel character I don't know? The Cosmic Pepperoni? The Watcher's Dinner? Galactuslice? Maybe the pizza is Manos since it's underside does look like Thanos's chin.

The pizza isn't Manos because it's killed. Now somebody is going to have to explain to me why Manos was being guarded by a monstrous slice of space pizza.

Power Girl's plan was to talk Manos into letting them borrow the Teleportation Ring so they could get back home. But Manos destroys an entire planet while they watch which is just over Power Girl's line of acceptable behavior. Now she's going to have to kick his ass.

Or Harley will accidentally kill him.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn return to Earth roughly one second after they left. But then they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

Anyway, be with us next time for "Clock King Gets His Clock Cleaned," or "Sportsmaster Courts Disaster."

Harley Quinn #12 Rating: Even though we're a full week into December, No Ratings November is still in effect. I've got about one more week left of November issues before my revamped rankings are ready to go. At that point, the rankings off to the side will shuffle around quite a bit to reflect some of the creative team changes in recent months. Harley will probably stay in relatively the same place. Unless she pisses me off with all of these extra issues she keeps starring in that cost way too much fucking money!