Superman Unchained #9

Oh yeah! Wraparound cover! Party time! Excellent!

Once again, Superman is depicted with his eyes on fire! I guess that's a symbol of how unchained he is. Although it looks more like he's "vchained" this issue, whatever that is. Also, his eyes tend to be on fire in any book he's in, whether he's unchained or not. I'm going to do something right now that I'm particularly loath to do: dig through my New 52 comic book boxes! Let's see how often Superman has been depicted with his eyes on fire on the covers of the comic books he's appeared in. Be aware that a statistical error of "my comic book store sometimes gives me variants" probably makes all of my data invalid.

On the cover of the Justice League, Superman appears twenty times out of the first thirty six issues (counting the zero issue). Only four of those covers show him using his heat vision. On one cover, his eyes are yellow because he's half-Cheetah-man. On some of the covers where he isn't using his heat vision, he's a skeleton or an image on a poster. I think that's a pretty good ratio of showing Superman about to fuck shit up.

Action Comics didn't have many instances with Superman blasting his heat vision because he generally just looked scared and confused on most of the covers, especially during Grant Morrison's run. Andy Diggle comes along and we get three out of four covers with Superman unchained, spraying hot liquid looks all over the place! Then Lobdell took over and I had a seizure and may have lost count. But I think the instances of Superman's heat vision were rare. During the Doomed run, instances of Superman's eyes flying off the handle skyrocket which might be why I feel like his eyes are always on fire now. Even with the run of burning eyeballs at the end, just nine of thirty-nine Action Comics covers have Superman prepared to let loose the eye fire. That's about a quarter of the time while Justice League had the ratio about a fifth of the time.

Superman had eleven eye blasts (kind of?) out of thirty-seven appearances, counting Hector Hammond with glowing eyes wearing a Superman suit. That's a little less than one-third of the time which is the most egregious example. Superman Unchained only had two or three, depending on what the original cover of Issue #1 looked like. I have the Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez cover for that issue.

Tallying my data, it looks to me like I'm making more of a big deal about it than it really is! Wow! Who would have guessed I was flying off the handle with no substantial evidence to back up my rants?! Stupid fucking data. Can't take my side just once?

One thing I did learn but didn't think to count the instances (and it's a good thing I didn't so I can make it seem worse than it really is!) is that Superman appears with his eyes closed an unchained amount of times! Sometimes he's getting his ass kicked. Sometimes he's kissing Wonder Woman. Sometimes he's throwing a punch like a wussy baby with his eyes clamped tight. It's ridiculous! I suppose I could have counted those covers as instances of his glowing red eyes since maybe they were glowing under the lids, right?

On to the comic book, kids! Last issue, Lex Luthor had just challenged Superman to save the world with his new Pure Sun (If You Don't Count The Kryptonite and the Heroin) Serum which will turn Superman into an atom bomb capable of destroying an invading alien fleet. The downside? Superman will die! Will Superman choose to save the world Lex's way? Or will he run back to Wraith, apologize for shoving a cock ring down his throat, and challenge Wraith to save he world by injecting this cool new drug he just happened to have on hand! Wraith survived that kind of thing once before! And besides, it's time for atonement! Or blood! One of those! Maybe both!

Oh, was this flashback taking place in this comic book? This feels more like a Superman Loves Batman memory.

How is little Clark Kent going to get out of this one?! How many fans are going to look at this scene and simply think, "Little Clark was so cute?" Fucking Jason Todd fans can suck it! They can go visit Ronnie Raymond's mother and eat a big old plate of dog dick!

Oh, um, never mind that. That was something else that's been on my mind lately. You see, I posted a panel with a scripting error and I made a joke about the scripting error. The panel was reblogged a few dozen times because it had Jason Todd in it and a bunch of the people reblogging it were trying to rationalize the scene, or they just wound up squeebling over Jason Todd. Is Squeebling the thing the kids do now when something gives them so many feels they shit themselves? Somebody should go add that to Urban Dictionary right now!

Clark shouts and knocks Mr. Colder against the wall where he probably doesn't die or else we've got a great big new boner in Clark's closet! I mean skeleton! I meant skeleton in his closet! "And on that day, cute little adorable Clark Kent swore he would never kill again. Except aliens. And robots."

Look at that! They're in the Arctic now even though General Lane attacked Superman in his Antarctic Fortress of Solitude!

Since DC has screwed up the location of the Fortress of Solitude too many times to count (I can't count past five), I'm simply going to believe that Superman has two Fortresses of Solitude. He had to build a second one after Batman learned about his first one and figured out how to hide in the gigantic key so he could sneak in when Superman unlocked the place.

Wonder Woman calls Superman to talk about her feelings but he's all, "Not now, Wonder Woman! I have to save the planet!" As opposed to, you know, "No matter what happens, know that I'll always love you." And then he would have hung up the ear phone and Wonder Woman would have fallen to her knees screaming, "NOOOOO!" Mostly because his cock was super unchained. Wonder Woman's clitoris is invulnerable, so it needs super unchained body parts rubbing on it to feel anything. Now she's going to have to begin dating Barry Allen.

Superman has a tender moment with Lois Lane before flying off to kill himself after which Lois, Jimmy, and General Lane are mauled by polar bears.

What do you think Lex has saved to read on the day he finally defeated Superman? I bet it's some Young Adult series. Probably Indulgent. Is that the name of the third book of the Divergent series?

Back in Clark's flashback, he begins trying to resuscitate old man Colder. Maybe this is when he learns to fly around the Earth really, really fast so that he travels back in time! Or this is where he learns with great power comes great thrill in killing whomever you want.

Back in Metropolis inside Perry White's secret editor-in-chief's super computer room, an obituary flashes up on the screen for a Ben Rios, 1918-2014. I don't know who that is but he was fucking old! Also I thought I should acknowledge it since Jim Lee or the Letterer or an editor or Scott Snyder or some guy down at the print shop felt this was the best place to honor good old Ben. Take care in the afterlife, Ben! And by afterlife, you know I mean not existing! So I'm kind of talking to myself!

While Superman flies into space to blow himself to bits and the rest of the world begins shutting down electronically due to the Earth Stone, Lex Luthor tells Lois Lane how he knew everything he knew and how he came to the conclusion that Superman should blow up like a frog with a firecracker up its ass. He explains, slowly, enunciating as clearly as possible since he was talking to a journalist, what he learned about Superman.

NO! It can't be! You mean Superman...learns from experience?!

This is why I can't stand people like C.S. Lewis and Ayn Rand. People who ignore the strength of changing ones beliefs and ideals based on real world experience. People who believe every decision they make in their lives should be based on a foundation of unchanging, rigid beliefs. They, as Lex Luthor puts it, stand for something. Doesn't fucking matter what that something is! It's just important that they stand for it and they don't ever back down from what they, at some time in their life, decided to believe was the right thing to do, or the right way to act. But I say, "Fuck foundational philosophies! All they help you do is build limited buildings with no imagination or room for spontaneity or change. Plus their basements probably leak like Charles Dickens. Is that a saying? Did he pee himself a lot?" You can all quote me on that, if you want. That's why I put it in the helpful quotation marks.

Superman flies into the fleet and decides not to take Lex Luthor's Wonder Drug. That seems about right since Superman stands for not killing anybody. That's one of those foundational beliefs I think probably get him and Batman in a lot of trouble. They should allow for a little bit of experiential leeway on that one! Once Batman sees The Joker kills dozens of people every time he returns, you've got to start thinking, "Hey? Is my basement leaking like Charles Dickens?" Superman can't take the drug to kill himself. Not because he doesn't want to die saving the world but because he doesn't want to kill anybody while he saves the world. What a puss!

Although once he destroys one ship (probably killing the aliens inside! See? I told you he kills aliens! Jerko!), he gets blasted by every other ship in the fleet. He's about to die so he finally tries to shoot up with Lex Luthor's Grand Old Timey Cure-All! But he can't do it! He pretends to try and then lets the needle go and thinks, "Oh darn! Did anybody see that? It just slipped out of my hand! Whoops! I tried to save the world. Oh well! Shucks! Darn!" But that's when Wraith shows up for that blood/atonement thing I mentioned earlier!

"Wraith...Wraith...it must be...inserted...into your anus. *snicker*"

Wraith plugs Lex Luthor's Super Serum and then shoves Superman back to Earth. In the DC Universe, Earth and the Sun are quite close to each other and it only takes a few seconds for ships or Kryptonians to travel from one to the other. As Wraith blows up the entire fleet, Lex Luthor comes as close as he's ever going to come to saying that he admires Superman. But he makes sure to preface it with "I still think Superman is a fucking dick."

You know, we don't get enough sass from Perry White in The New 52. Let's enjoy this one for a bit, shall we?

The issue ends with some sentimental stuff between Clark and Lois that the readers with emotions probably might enjoy but which I just scanned wondering, "Where are the 0s and 1s? Beep beep beep." And then Superman Unchained is over! Yay! I love when a title ends! I just wish so many new titles weren't constantly beginning! Jesus Christ, DC! Give me a fucking break, will ya?!

Superman Unchained #9 Rating: +4 Ranking. This issue made up for all the silliness in the last issue. Sure, it was predictable! But I did enjoy Luthor's speechifying. And Wraith's atonement was nicely understated in the silence of space. Great finish to a series that had way more hits than misses and may possible have been the second best Superman story of The New 52 after Grant Morrison's Action Comics run. But I will give this story the best story that's also coherent!

Green Lantern #36

I wonder how many covers throughout DC's two hundred year history involve a gigantic hand grabbing a hero? I bet the majority of those covers are giant hands grabbing Hal like this one or the giant hand is The Spectre's.

Across the last few issues of Green Lantern, the Green Lanterns have been learning that their most powerful weapon in the universe is a dime store novelty in the face of New Gods technology. And yet the New Gods themselves are treating the rings as the most powerful weapons in the universe. Which leads me to believe that all of the Lanterns are using their rings incorrectly and have no idea what the fuck they're doing. That isn't much of a surprise seeing as how Mogo has lost his ring and not one fucking Green Lantern has offered to give up their ring to save their own fucking headquarters. Somebody could at least pull the Sinestro trick and create a ring for Mogo! I'm beginning to believe that Sinestro isn't an arrogant asshole at all! He is the only person that knows how to use a fucking ring.

I'm going to adapt this speech for use at Thanksgiving on my own father!

Orion might be a loose cannon but even a loose cannon points at the right ship twice a day. Those rings are bullshit! I don't think Highfather needs them to defeat Darkseid at all! I think Highfather just wants a fancy set of cock rings.

Meanwhile the Green Lantern Corps are rushing off to ask Sinestro to teach them how to best utilize their power rings. Too bad they're headed to Sector 3502 instead of Sector 3567 where New Korugar actually is. Can't they do anything right?

Somehow, the Green Lanterns still manage to find New Korugar even with Venditti and his editors constantly fucking up its location. Unless Cullen Bunn fucked up its location! I have no idea where New Korugar really is now!

The entire universe is about to go down the toilet, Bohemian Guardians. Don't fuck up your only chance at saving it by insulting Sinestro!

Don't worry, Sinestro! As I've already pointed out, I know you're the most powerful Lantern in the universe. Kyle Rayner? Most powerful? Don't make me rant!

Hal Jordan's plan for battling the New Gods is to ask William Hand for assistance. The Bohemian Guardians forbid Hal Jordan from recruiting the Black Lanterns to his army. But what right do they have to tell Hal Jordan what to do? They aren't real Guardians! They have no authority here! Which is why Hal Jordan, according to the cover, is probably just going to ignore them.

Sinestro, being Hal Jordan's truest friend and most hated enemy, gives him a good pep talk that involves very little pep and lots of punching. But it serves its purpose! Sinestro convinces Hal Jordan to do what Hal Jordan does best: do something completely irrational!

Dammit! I don't want to find common ground with Hal Jordan! But I think this is why my uncle, an engineer for Lockheed Martin, enjoyed playing Chess with me when I was a stripling. Because my game playing was such a terrific, thoughtless mess that it made it a challenge to beat me.

Sinestro takes the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps to Qward to hide from the New Gods until Hal Jordan can bring back some fodder for the upcoming battle. And that fodder will be given to him by Black Hand and the Black Lantern Corps.

The Black Hand is busy on Earth being the lovable, B-list villain loser he's always been at heart. He's just hanging out in Coast City waiting for Hal Jordan to resume his old school adventures battling villains that never should have posed him much threat as they robbed banks and mugged joggers. He's decided to enjoy an old fashioned circus while he waits for Hal to return to his old school ways.

Why isn't Dick in the act? Oh my God! Dick Grayson isn't really dead!

Hal Jordan asks Black Hand to gather up his ridiculous army and join the fight against the New Gods. I'm sure he'll say yes.

Green Lantern #36 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Sinestro and The Black Hand were written to my liking. But the Green Lantern Corps themselves aren't doing much to help the ranking of their own book! The jerks abandoned Mogo when they could have easily helped the big guy out! Stupid assholes. Hal Jordan should have marched up to one of those asshat Green Lanterns that refuse to use their ring because of Relic's Peak Emotion Theory, snatched the ring off of their finger, and given it to a great big lovable planet that wants to use the ring for good. Poor Mogo. Nobody fucking cares about Mogo.

Gotham Academy #2

Olive joins the Cult of the Bat!

I grew up with the original Degrassi Junior High airing on PBS stations all over America and causing thousands of children to crush hard on Caitlin Ryan and Joey Jeremiah. I think I'm a year younger than Stacie Mistysyn, so you can imagine how my little heart yearned for her love and affection. Then in my twenties, Sailor Moon (with the Canadian dub (another Canadian show to wreak havoc on my unfeeling heart!)) came to syndication and I fell in love with Sailor Mars. No wait, Sailor Jupiter. No, Sailor Venus! All of them? Anyway, I remember crying on the couch while watching the episode with the song "Rainy Day Man". I'm such an asshole. I don't remember what touched me in my thirties. A drunk uncle, maybe? But now in my forties, I get to crush on Gotham Academy! And don't think I'm that pervy old drunk uncle man! I explained all of this in my Cheetah #1 commentary! We are every age we've ever been! So watching Sailor Moon, I am the boy that just about died giving Marilyn Mendoza a rose I picked on the way to school for her birthday! So I can fall in love with Olive Silverlock and Maps Mizoguchi without it being creepy, you judgmental whippersnapper!

This issue begins with snippets of Millie Jane Cobblepot's secret sex diary.

I think she's writing about her clitoris.

While all sexed up from reading old fashioned euphemisms for dingles and crickets, Olive notices the Cult of the Bat race beneath her window. And one of them notices her! Because when you look into the Cult of the Bat, the Cult of the Bat looks into you! That's some profound philosophy I just made up which has never been said by anybody ever.

Later in History Class, Heathcliff and Pom Fritters nearly bang on a desk. I think they've been banging all over the school at night making everybody think a ghost is haunting the buildings. Sometimes I hear the neighbors downstairs banging and I put my mouth really close to the floor and I say in my deepest, most guttural voice, "Put it in my butt."

All of this is to say that Olive and Pom Poms wind up having to do their Gotham History project together. It's because they're Fremeses! That means that they are each the Fremesis of the other! Because Fremeses is the plural for Fremesis, of course! Their relationship is probably going to be a lot like Buffy and Cordelia's relationship. Except hopefully sexier.

I need an artist to draw pictures for my Roller Playing Game, Places & Predators!

I'm so happy that Maps is a roller playing nerd! She's the best.

Here's my version of a Serpents & Spells Character Sheet:

Olive meets Pomegranate at the library which has an owl statue out front. So we know who's running Gotham Academy! No, not Dumbledore, you dumbdumbdork! Forget I even said anything! If you're not going to take me seriously, why even bother? I'm just going to read my comic book in peace now! Stop bothering me with your need for insight about the story from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I'm done with you!

Don't worry, other readers! I wasn't talking to you! Just that smart aleck that couldn't resist a Harry Potter shout out. Fuck Harry Potter! He's just a Frodo wannabe! Frodo and Sam's love story was far greater than any of that juvenile romantic twaddle in the Potter books! Probably!

In the library, Olive and Pommel Horse find a version of Millie Jane's Diary with a map of the North Hall and the cemetery behind it. It's a mystery to be solved! And who better to solve mysteries than a bunch of meddling kids! Although they don't have a dog that one of them hallucinates can talk. That could hurt their ability to trap the old man in the ghost mask.

What are you talking about, Pomeline? That was always so funny when the little black kid with the rich white gentrification specialist used to say that! He did it better than I can!

Something happened the previous summer to Olive but even Olive doesn't know what it was because she can't remember the previous summer. I bet it has something to do with her Wayne Foundation Scholarship! And maybe her mother.

Later that night, Maps and Olive follow the Cult of the Bat out to the cemetery behind the North Hall. That's where all the hauntings have been happening! I'm so scared! They might encounter a g-g-g-g-ghost! Especially after they find the secret entrance to the old Cobblepot family crypt and head down into the darkness!

Screw Alysia Yeoh! Maps is my favorite New 52 character! Not my favorite character I want to have sex with! I'm not a huge and complete perv! Anyway, my favorite character I want to have sex with is still a toss up between Vampire Tig and Supergirl's Bum.

The Cult of the Bat are spouting gibberish (I hope calling their speaking in tongues "gibberish" doesn't offend whoever actually speaks the gibberish language they're gibberishing) when Olive and Maps enter. Olive sees they've got the book from the library and she bravely marches up to take it back because that pompous Pom and her fucksack Heathcliff and their other mysterious friend that is probably Kyle don't deserve the book. But Olive knocks over some candles and sets the stone on fire and now everybody is going to die. But hopefully not before Olive tells us who her fucking mother is!

Gotham Academy #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art alone is worth reading this book. And the characters alone are worth reading this book. The mystery isn't enough to keep reading this book because it's just stringing the reader along for the sake of keeping an air of mystery so far. But I think a lot will be revealed next issue, and since there are so many other reasons alone to be reading this book, the mystery can afford to take its time!

Twat Lobo #2

This cover says, "Are you ready to be bored by whatever is going on here? A barbecuing accident, maybe? I don't know. Whatever."

Last issue, Twat Lobo killed the first of eight demolition specialists that have been paid a good deal of money to destroy Florida. I guess it's one of those "whoever destroys it first gets the money" kind of contracts. You know, the kind assassins and mercenaries love to take on so much because they have so much time to waste trying to complete a job that they might never get paid for. In this issue, Twat Lobo will probably kill one more of his targets. It might prove to be a little challenging in the first third of the book but then he'll pull it off in the end and cut off somebody's head while saying, "Sorry. Not sorry." Then I'll put the comic book down, go into the bathroom, vomit up my dinner, take off all of my clothes, sit in the shower, and cry for three hours.

How are they supposed to look Florida in the eye before destroying it? Of course they're using technology to do the job! What kind of demolition specialist punches a structure into rubble?

I'm pretty good at deciphering texts when they're simple substitutions. But this one where every letter is a skull and crossbones could prove impossible. I'm going to try anyway!

Grunt Brother #1: "You are loving a cow!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Who fucked a sheep?"
Grunt Brother #3: "Bovine!"
Grunt Brother #2: "Bessie!"
Grunt Brother #1: "Eww..."
Grunt Brother #2: "Who?"

Before Twat Lobo kills the next three of his targets (although I'm assuming they only count as one and his contact lied about his contract), he does admit that these guys would have a hard time looking Florida in the eye. Florida the state! Not Florida Evans the strong yet loving mother of three.

Just count these guys as three of the eight! The contract was for eight kills. Twat Lobo is going to get a reputation for being a chump. I hope.

I have absolutely no feelings for this character. It's just a pale imitation of one of DC's preboot characters. He's fucking annoying. And everybody that is attracted to him can jump in front of three buses. You're ruining comic books by supporting this bullshit.

Twat Lobo climbs out of the ancient cave with thousand year old drawings by an alien race on the walls and exits through a portable toilet. Because that's exactly how those things work! They're just big plastic rectangles positioned over deep holes cut down into the earth. He takes the world destroying device with him and heads back to his stupid looking circle cycle. That's where he finds three new characters that insist they're going to be his partners.

If I were Cullen Bunn and I were given this assignment, I would want to shoot myself in the face every time I used that phrase.

Twat Lobo's new partners are Rave, Luna, and Emily. They're sure to become the next big hits in the world of comic book fandoms! But first they need more fleshed out personalities than bald mustache guy, cowboy hat wearing bad ass, and short person. Oh, who am I kidding? This is a comic book! Those are perfectly acceptable personalities.

Twat Lobo has a flashback which shows him as a lover and a protector and an all around perfect twat. We hates him.

Twat Lobo and his new team kill the third target in Shanghai. He's a robot that enjoys wearing human skin. Now that's a great personality! Too bad he's dead now. He was the best character in the book so far. His plan to destroy Florida was to cause a zombie apocalypse. Which he started before Twat Lobo could kill him. So now this book just got super exciting because it's zipping right down the zeitgeist freeway! Zombies! That has to be an exciting comic book seller, right? Look at how well The Walking Dead is doing and that's totally all about zombies! Twat Lobo is going to make DC scads of cash!

I bet Cullen Bunn's script just read: "Page 17: Lobo battles zombies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Another thing Twat Lobo does that is getting increasingly more annoying: he keeps mentioning The Code. Nice easy parameters for Cullen Bunn to build the motivations behind the character.

Nerdgasm.com: "Tell us about Lobo, Mr. Bunn."
Cullen Bun: "He's a bad ass that can kill anything but he has his limits!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What are those limits?"
Cullen Bunn: "Well, they're parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "What's the code?"
Cullen Bunn: "You'll find out as the comic book progresses! Whenever I need to limit Lobo or set up a situation to challenge him, I'll think up new parts of The Code!"
Nerdgasm.com: "So you don't believe in writing a fully realized character then? Just a version of the real Lobo that takes direction from a set of rules you make up on the fly to direct the plot?"
Cullen Bunn: "Fuck you! Your stupid ass website is name Nerdgasm! Assholes."

Twat Lobo and his new partners defeat the zombies. Afterward, Twat Lobo doesn't kill his new partners. I can't wait until Rave, Luna, and Emily become Heroclix. They're going to be so popular! Emily even said, "Taste hot, melty death!" That's like a totally whimsical thing a teenager would say, right? And Luna said, "My bad!" Ha ha! Who says that for real, right? "My bad!" Such a hoot! And did you see Rave's handlebar mustache?! Ah ha ha! What a cut up!

Twat Lobo #2 Rating: No change. It wasn't bad enough to lower its rank. But I'm not enjoying it at all either. This is the worst fucking character since Vibe.

Green Arrow #36

Does Green Arrow always have to be in the act of shooting an arrow on the cover? I get it! He's an archer!

The last issue ended with Felicity Smoak telling Green Arrow that she had been hired to kill him. We know from the television show that she's the best hacker in the entire universe and would never be caught hacking into whatever she's hacking into. So as soon as Diggle says he's found traces of a hacker, we (the readers! Not the Royal 'We'!) know it's all a setup. Felicity obviously just wanted to meet Green Arrow and get his cock all up in her. That's sexy romance literature language for making love. The only other option is that Felicity is a huge badass mercenary death monster and she's about to kill Oliver Queen!

This issue begins with Mia Deardon pickpocketing people on the streets of Seattle. She's the person some person named Mr. King is trying to hunt down. So I guess she's important somehow. Maybe she has diamonds in her stomach. Her friend Trevor calls her "Speedy" so we know where this is going! Right? Maybe you should tell me.

Anyway, Mia's pursued by some business suited thugs but is saved when some guy who knows her mother murders them all. It's practically a coming of age story by Charles Dickens or maybe Edgar Allen Poe.

Oh look! It really is Felicity! Because Oliver points out she talks a lot! Just like on the television show!

Felicity casually mentions that she knows Green Arrow's secret identity because Kreisberg has to get her onto the team as quickly as possible! We've already watched how she joined the team on the television show and we don't want to rehash all of that! Especially since it took so long. And hopefully Kreisberg will avoid the huge mistake he and his writers made on the television show by making Felicity a love interest of Oliver's. Jesus Christ, television writers. Does Oliver need to have a relationship with every woman on the show that he isn't related to? And that might not even be a limit! I bet Thea puts the moves on him at some point since she's only half related to him!

Felicity tells Oliver that only she and some street girl can help Ollie catch whoever hired her to kill him. And that's that! She's on the team! And I don't mind that they trust her so easily since who wants to read three months worth of comic book stories where they dance around that fact that she's inevitably going to be on the team anyway? I'm sure Diggle or Ollie will eventually whisper to the other one, "Are you sure we can trust her?" And the other will say, "What choice do we have?" And that will be the end of that!

Meanwhile the man that wants Ollie dead is playing John Lithgow's character from Dexter.

Mixed with a little bit of the "Brother" Blood character from the television show. I guess Oliver always has to battle other people that have a vision to save the city. But in the wrong way!

Mister King mentions Bethany Snow and Channel 52 News, so I guess that puts Ambush Bug in current continuity! Ha ha! In your face, DC Comics! Now I know he's out there somewhere!

Mister King tells his henchmen to hire some guy that will be able to kill Ollie and Mia and the guy she was saved by, Mack Morgan. Who will the assassin be?! I doubt Deathstroke will be headed over to this comic book for this job. Maybe it'll be that guy Stillborn that tried to kill Deathstroke when Rob Liefeld was "writing" that series.

See? Talks like she's from Sunnydale! Oh, I, um, mentioned that last commentary, didn't I?

Judging by the arrow, the killer must be Merlyn. Notice how nobody is shocked that this guy was assassinated by an arrow? The whole archer schtick is way overdone in Starling City Seattle.

With Felcity's help, Diggle and Green Arrow track down Mia and rescue her from King's men. But just when they think they're going to get away and gather up the evidence to convict King of whatever horrible things he's been up to, King's assassin arrives so that they have to have another think.

Merlyn's face is probably messed up from that time the oil rig exploderated all over Ollie's wild oil rig party.

Green Arrow #36 Rating: No change. I guess Merlyn wound up on an island adjacent to the island that Oliver washed up on where he learned how to use a bow and arrow but just a little bit better than Oliver did. I don't think Seattle should be full of archers. Its heroes should be fire dancers and Burning Man refugees.

Green Arrow #35

Are Naomi and Henry losing their jobs to Felicty now?

This looks like a really exciting comic book that somebody slapped a Green Arrow sticker on the cover of. I want to see Batman and Lex Luthor battle while Felicity figures out how to shut down Flood Control Dam #3.

While watching the television show that believed Green Arrow would be ridiculous if he was known by anything other than just "Arrow," I noticed that one of the ARGUS agents that was trying to leave ARGUS was named Mark Shaw. My first thought was, "Isn't that Manhunter?" So later I looked through my old Who's Who comic books and Manhunter was never known by the name Mark Shaw. At least before 1983. But earlier today, somebody liked my commentary on Cheetah #1 (which has some typos I have never gone back to correct), so I reread it. In that comic book, Mark Shaw shows up! And he's called Manhunter! So my memory seems to find the worst garbage in the world to remember while I can't remember important, life saving information like the name of my sister-in-common-law when I'm talking to her face to face. It's a good thing she assumes I always know her name and she doesn't randomly quiz me about it! Because then I might die from fingernail poisoning.

Kreisberg completely Lobdells the opening to this first issue.

Just because Kreisberg begins this like Lobdell begins all of his comic books with the character introducing themselves to the reader because Lobdell seems to think people only buy comic books that have had their covers ripped off, it doesn't mean it's bad! This is actually a pretty clever in-joke! Green Arrow has spent the first three-quarters of his New 52 life as a complete jerk because he was written by hacks like J.T. Krul and Ann Nocenti.

This story arc is called "Kingdom" and the first chapter is called "Foundation." Yes, that's correct! This isn't "part one"; it's "Chapter One!" That makes it more literary! I bet that's how Kreisberg got the job!

Kreisberg: "I have a pitch for a Green Arrow comic book, lover boy!"
Johns: "*mumblemumblemumble*"
Kreisberg: "What was that? Here, let me move my dick."
Johns: "Let's hear your pitch, Big Cock!"
Kreisberg: "Okay! Picture this!" *Kreisberg spreads out his arms, his erect phallus flopping against his own chin* "The story will be broken into...CHAPTERS!"
Johns: "Wha?! That's so...so...literary!"
Kreisberg: "Oh yeah. That'll get all them bitch boys reading Vonnegut and Salinger to give this medium a second chance!"
Johns: "Great idea! Now if Lemire won't suck me off, the book is yours!"

Maybe that's why Jeff Lemire decided to write a crappy "Save the Future!" story in Justice League United! Because he was pissed that he lost Green Arrow to Kreisberg, he decided to completely tank his Justice League United book. That would teach Geoff "Casting Couch" Johns...well, it would teach him something! Something about ethics or morals or economic decisions based on who is willing to suck off whom.

Whenever Green Arrow does this, does he have to restring his bow when he lands? And why is he carrying so many hotdogs? And should I be referring to him as just Arrow now?

Generally when a new writer comes along, the hero's retinue wind up unemployed and out of a job. Diggle is lucky because he was from the show anyway, so he can stay. But Naomi and Fyff are out on their asses (cute and fat, respectively). Looks like Green Arrow needs to hold an interview for an IT person with a cute face that loves to wear horrible dresses and talks like she's from Sunnydale! That would be Felicity, in case you weren't following my train of thought.

Also, The Glades are now a part of Seattle!

The doctor that removes the bullet from Oliver's arm has a pin on his lapel that is a crescent moon. Do you think he might wind up being Doctor Mid-nite?! I hope not!

Oliver Queen is an hour late for a meeting with some rich assholes that want to get Queen Industries back on its feet after it was lost to some Asian ghost monster, or lost to a business partner while Oliver was fucking triplets, or lost to...oh, I can't remember how he lost it! I'm sure it was stupid though!

Neither of these guys would have waited an hour for Oliver Queen.

I figure Bruce only waited because he didn't want Lex dealing with Oliver alone. And Lex only waited because he knew Batman would have to wait with him which meant he could have some thugs robbing banks in Gotham concurrently.

To convince Oliver to throw Queen Enterprises into the pot with Waynetech and Lexcorps, Lex throws out some numbers. He says the merger between his company and Bruce's has produced an economy "greater than ninety-five percent of the national GDP." So they've basically doubled the amount of money being made in America?! With just their two firms? That's capitalism out of control! Who gave these two assholes so much power to sink the world economy? Now the GDP of the United States is twice as large as it was before. What happens if, say, the CEO of one of these merged companies should...I don't know...try to enslave the world and wind up in prison watching all of his stock shares plummet through the basement?!

You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about! The only thing I remember from my economics class in high school is that Soylent Green is people.

You tell him, Bruce! What kind of an asshole thinks of a city as their own?!

Meanwhile some guy named Mr. King is looking for some woman named Mia Deardon. The name sounds familiar but it must be one of those things my brain has decided wasn't important enough to remember.

And then Felicity Smoak shows up telling Green Arrow that she was hired to kill him. Which probably means she was hired to kill him but she'll point out next issue how she has no intention of going through with it and she was only caught hacking the Queen Foundation account by Dig because she wanted to be caught and now that she has Green Arrow's attention, how does she get on his payroll?

Green Arrow #35 Rating: No change. Of course Kreisberg and Sokolowski would steer the comic book to being more like the television show. I don't mind that since, at least so far, Ollie seems to be the same guy that just recently took his city back in Lemire's run of the comic book. And what long time comic book fan doesn't expect a change in supporting characters whenever a new writer comes onto a book? It's par for the windmill hole with those stupid blades always trying to knock your ball back at you so you have to chase it down before it falls into a pond.

World's End #5

Solomon Grundy sucks at wearing masks.

This issue is called "Emerald Quest." Is that a pun? I would have called it "Ermahgerd Querst" and Alan Scott would be all, "Ermahgerd! Serlermern Gerndah!" And Solomon Grundy would be all, "Ermahgerd!" And I would keep on cracking up and shouting, "Ermahgerd!"

I wonder if Earth-2's version of Amethyst (Ermahtherst!) will show up since we're going on an Emerald Quest. I bet it turns out the Emeralds are really space travelers and their ancestors had to transform into Emeralds to survive and they lost their magical emerald abilities because they remained too long in their gem form and forgot who they were and had lots and lots of half-emerald children who eventually wanted to learn where they came from so they went on their Emerald Quest and never, ever got a movie even though Marv Wolfman practically promised me right to my face ten years ago that the Elfquest movie was going to happen! I guess I'm just lucky he didn't rewrite the script so that all the elves were raped by a villainous space demon rapist.

As Queen Lantern and Solomon Grumpy try to battle, The Green steps between them and insists they fist and make up.

The Green is a tree with bosoms!

Alan Scott doesn't seem perturbed by the sudden appearance of The Green. But then Alan Scott is gay. Also I might not really know what "perturbed" means.

Three pages are wasted on Mera not revealing what she's going to unleash on the world now that she doesn't care what happens to it. She's all, "Dark things live in dark places! Hungry things live in hungry places!" And then she kneels before a face carved into a rock wall where the cave is the mouth with lots of scary teeth around it. That's probably where the scary thing she's going to unleash lives. I bet her secret weapon is Starro!

Boo! Solomon Grumpy works for no man! Or Earth Spirit! Or woman who has crashed through the glass ceiling in her business skirt and power heels!

The Green mentions that other colors rule Earth-2 with her. The White which represents the living atmosphere. The Blue which represents the hopeful ocean. The Red which represents the angry living things. The Yellow which represents the fearsome dandelions. The Indigo which represents the compassionate future children. The Violet which represents Hallmark. And the Orange which represents the selfish orange.

Master Comic Book Reader!

Sure, sure. Starro hasn't appeared yet! But look at that panel! It's a star fucking someone's face! Totally Starro's modus operandi!

Back in London, The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick, Doctor Cocoa Puffs, and Hawk Cop strip Famine naked and hang a mirror in front of her. The plan is to force her to "experience the same fate" to which she has "already doomed so many." That seems an awful lot like fat shaming!

Over on Amazonia (try not to get whiplash as we ping pong back and forth amongst the various plot threads), Sloan reveals that he's been working on a secret spaceship with technology that even Apokolips has never seen. And Mister Terrific has been working on a contraption called a Boom Sphere which can kill gods. When did these guys have time to create such horrible weapons of war? Isn't it the military who is supposed to twist science into imaginative ways of killing the most people in the quickest amount of time? Shouldn't these science guys simply be working on equations and theories?

Okay, Sloan is an Evil Mr. Smarty Pants, so I expect it from him. But Mister Terrific?! No wonder he winds up dooming Earth-The-Main-One.

And finally in the Geneva Firepit, Replacement Batman and his team stumble upon one of Apokolips's secret experiments.

No! Why bring Superman back? Now Val-el is just going to be some second rate chump that refuses to punch stuff. I mean, that's what he is already! But now it'll be obvious even to stupid readers!

World's End #5 Rating: No change. I thought the Horsewomen of Apokolips were going to be truly terrifying and wreak a ton of havoc and introduce Earth-2 to their dogs of war and kill lots and lots of silver age heroes? But they've barely made any kind of impression at all! Do you think Daniel H. Wilson has a plan for this book? Or do you suppose DC just told him that he has to reach a specific end condition within a certain amount of time and he and Marguerite and Mike can just make up whatever shit they want week to week as long as Earth-2 eventually winds up where DC needs it for their ongoing stories? I think Daniel H. Wilson should tell me what his plan is so that I can tell everybody that he knows what he's doing and to trust him. I promise I won't spoil it for anybody else!