Green Arrow #34

Oh, just fucking break already.

I think I'm too rambling and verbose for the internet age. I should probably be producing zines instead of creating this whole, vague web-presence thing. But I have to maintain it for when I eventually have a product to sell! Maybe my first product will be a role playing game where you play a critic and you have to severely critique famous rock acts, or celebrity chefs, or tough guy mystery novelists! Then once your critique comes out, you have to try to stay alive as they send thugs and Green Arrows to shut you down. You'll need a thick skin because you'll constantly be told by the people you critique that you should stop tearing other people down (no matter how much they're stinking up the world with their "art"). Or if you say they can't draw, they'll say, "Let's see you draw better!" As if I'm going around claiming to be an artist! I'm a critic! And guess what? We critics don't have the luxury of saying, "Oh yeah? You think I suck at criticizing? Well let's see you criticize!" Because generally they just got done criticizing us. Jerkos!

Now I'm in a sour mood! How dare people think that the job I do is mean and useless and without merit? Fuck them right in their Goddamned faces! I bring joy to the faces of every person that ever had $3.99 stolen from them by DC Comics and their horrible editorial interference! When somebody comes home excited to read Catwoman and then gets diarrhea sprayed right into their open and aghast mouths, they can go online to read my scathing opinion of how badly Ann Nocenti needs to rethink her end of life career choice. Then they smile and laugh and repress the shit guzzling incident they just experienced because I just saved their life! I save people's sanity and what good is life without your sanity? Hardly worth anything at all practically! I'm a fucking hero!

It's a good thing I'm a hero so at least one hero is represented in this review. Green Arrow certainly doesn't cut it!

The biggest cliffhanger last issue was Diggle plummeting to his death while strapped to an office chair. That's resolved on the first page as Green Arrow fires his Fluffy Stuff to Land On Arrow. It's a good thing he keeps his arrows organized in his quiver or else he might have fired his Explode the Shit Out of Everything Arrow.

Yeah, that one!

I don't know what Green Arrow is exploding the shit out of in the last panel (everything?). The side of a building? Maybe he believes the building just tried to kill Diggle. You'd think Ollie would be a bit more responsible about what he's exploding the shit out of. Just because Dick Dragon just tossed Diggle out of that building it doesn't mean everybody within it is in cahoots with Dick Dragon, Guy That Once Took A Few Kung Fu Classes.

The other cliffhanger had to do with Henry being called "Fyff" by his true love, Naomi, after he'd been shot in the stomach. That bit is resolved on the second page of this comic where we find out that Naomi has now also yelled out, "Henry!" Does her quick thinking correction mean she loves him a little bit? No, I bet it means she's pretty sure he's about to die so she's throwing him a bone. Now she'd better hope the wound is mortal or she's going to have to go on at least one uncomfortable date.

Emiko flies from the shadows to put down Clock King. He's the guy that fired the gun into Fyff's stomach. Luckily Fyff has some extra fat around his gut that might act as body armor. But I don't think Clock King has enough fat on his face to protect him from Emiko's tiny fists of fury.

Have you learned nothing from your recent beatdown, Killer Moth? Poison Moth Farts of Death first, gloat second!

Back at the ever nearing confrontation between Green Arrow and Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Hobbyist, Diggle shoots two guys in the head. He'd better not pull that kind of shit around Emiko! She'll call him a coward and then threaten his life. Ollie doesn't mind though. I know he's mostly a non-killing kind of hero but I think he makes the occasional exception. Especially when somebody else does it for him and he doesn't have to take responsibility.

They take the elevator up to Dick Dragon's apartment because it opens directly on the room where Dick Dragon threw Diggle out of the window. Maybe it's a private elevator for the penthouse? Or was Dick Dragon just conducting business in the lobby of the 32nd floor?

But that's the main event and it will have to wait until Killer Moth is taken care of. Yet again, he forgets to pull the trigger on his canister backpack gun. He engages in a conversation with Emiko until he's shot in the back of the head by Red Dart's wrist dart contraption.

See? That's the proper order of attack! 1. Shoot. 2. Gloat.

Count Vertigo gets a bit of a cameo as he keeps the police from ruining the showdown. But he'll probably slink away in disgrace once he realizes Dick Dragon has been defeated. Unless he gets caught again because he's needed in the Suicide Squad. Although he was supposed to be in Belle Reve once already and never made it! Maybe Forever Evil set him free.

According to Dick Dragon, the battle between him and Green Arrow is over before it begins. Great! That saves a lot of reading time. But I should probably scan the battle pages just to make sure. Dick Dragon is no Midnighter! He may be able to do a few carnival tricks like guessing the weight of his opponent and recognizing clothing brands, but I doubt he's played this battle out in his head hundreds of different ways already. Dick Dragon is too cocky. He's played it out in his head exactly one way. Which means he won't see all the surprise fight moves Green Arrow's going to throw his way.

Maybe. Maybe Ollie will just be killed here! The title of the story is "Broken"! Is it time for Green Arrow to get his back snapped?

Use the Boxing Glove Arrow! It's like the Crane Kick! It can't be defended against! Unless this is the sequel! Is this the sequel? What happened between the first Karate Kid and the second Karate Kid that made the Crane Kick suddenly a weak ass move? I bet everybody studied the tape of LaRusso's championship win.

Dick Dragon may have beaten both Green Arrow and Diggle in about ten seconds flat. But that doesn't mean they've lost! Because even though they both have multiple broken bones and serious lacerations, they have something else that will let them win in the end: each other!

Gay!

I mean, Yay! Green Arrow has learned the lesson that Jeff Lemire has been hinting at for the last few issues! Green Arrow must depend on a strong team because otherwise he only has arrows and arrows are kind of stupid.

Wait. That's the extent of the teamwork? Diggle tosses him an arrow and says, "Catch"?

After Green Arrow delivers his "I'm not broken; you're broken!" line, is the audience supposed to stand up and cheer? Way to go, Ollie! What resourcefulness! What teamwork! What stick-to-itiveness! But not "what a hero!" Fuck that. I'm the hero, Ollie. I am! Me!

Ollie and Diggle leave Dick Dragon to bleed to death and head down to look for Count Vertigo. But he's gone just like I said he'd be! He's such a predictable coward. And forget what I said about Ollie's stick-to-itiveness. He hasn't got any because he just bails on hunting down Vertigo. "Enh, fuck it. I'm tired. Let's go home!"

Green Arrow #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. And that's that! No more Outsiders! No more gallivanting through space fighting aliens! No more mysterious islands and blind magic men and that guy that led the Axe Clan that was The Butcher from the nineties who I don't even remember. Now it's all hipsters and coffee and indie rock bands and elephant car washes and fancy cupcakes and Go Games and monorails and Capitol Hills and Unicorn Narwals and Wednesday Night half-priced cover at the Rebar because Green Arrow is staying in Seattle! His new team is made up of Emiko, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff. I can't believe this comic book has found its way back from the precipice after what Nocenti and Krul and Giffen and Winnick did to it! Some of those names more than others, of course. But they all had a hand in making this one of the shittiest comic books to survive every round of cancellations so far. And its future looks pretty good!

Swamp Thing #34

I hope Lady Weeds tattooed her butthole with a flower that smells like poo.

A post popped up on my Tumblr earlier with pictures of that actress on Teen Wolf with the witch eyes and it got me thinking about actors and good looks. My first philosophical foray into the issue was that acting was bullshit and people are just generally cast because of their looks. But that's obviously bullshit because Steve Buscemi. Obviously a lot of attractive people without talent get jobs in the business because directors and producers and casting agents know that people like to masturbate to beautiful people. But I think acting gets its start at a very young age. Much like a kid raised on junk food will eat nothing but junk food as an adult, a kid raised on constant attention and praise because of their good looks needs to maintain a certain level of fawning over their beauty. Now even though I am, myself, a beautiful human being (on the outside), I was raised by a mother who would say things like, "Your cousin Jason is like the son I never had!" So I was raised on a steady stream of bitterness and resentment which is why I need to attack as many successful people as possible on a nearly constant basis to feel normal.

See how that first paragraph began as if it were about something else but I was still able to bring it back around to discuss me? That's because this blog is about me! It's not about comic books at all. Those are just incidental.

What did they do, Cappuccino?! They made a puppet of the Swamp Thing?!

I guess they killed the little tiny Swamp Thing that Swamp Thing made to look over the Green. It's a little bit hard to tell with the lack of Narration Boxes saying, "Cappuccino comes into the room holding the lifeless corpse of Baby Swampie while I lay dying on the floor. Or is it 'lie dying'?" I guess if you look closely, Baby Swampie's left cheek is kind of torn up, probably from where Wolf shoved his cock into him. And since Wolf is a disgusting monstrosity right now, it probably wasn't a pleasant face-fucking at all.

Like that one person born out of the head of the other person (Cher or somebody. I forget), Swamp Thing explodes out of the head of Baby Swampie to answer Cappuccino's call. I sure hope Baby Swampie was already dead before that happened.

Brother Jonah decides he'd rather go back to The Green than die. Must be nice to have that kind of choice! I guess those are better last words than wondering whether to use "lie" or "lay." Although that's still better than dying wondering whether to use "who" or "whom." Which is still better yet than dying not knowing the difference between the Arctic and Antarctica.

Oh Lady Weeds! You get more beautiful with each passing panel!

I was in love with Lady Weeds when she was just a fancy plant lady. But then she became a blood covered naked woman and she became even more precious. Sure, she had that stint where she got a bunch of crappy tattoos all over her body but I loved her for trying to get back to that elegant look she had while living in The Grove. And now she shows no sympathy for a person because they have kids? Can a person's heart take this much yearning? She's the perfect being!

After killing this jerko father of no year ever, Lady Weeds firebombs the plant life around the hospital she hitched a ride to. Then she sets Wolf free to do whatever he's going to do. Fight Swamp Thing? Curb himself? Eat the entire hospital staff?

Meanwhile, Swamp Thing carries Jonah into the Green to become his regent. He'll take the place of Baby Swampie which is too bad because Baby Swampie was my favorite new character of last month! I bet Dan DiDio is behind Baby Swampie's death! Jerko!

I once knew how the story ends but stupid time has taken away all memory of the book! So, really, it doesn't matter, Jonah. You'll only be satisfied for the most fleeting of moments before time pisses it all away.

When I was a teenager, my main concern about dying was that I would never find out how all the stories I was currently reading would end. Books, being on my own timetable, didn't concern me as much as comic books which I had to wait for, dangerous week after dangerous week! Eventually I realized that comic book stories never really fucking end and the characters change by the whims of the writers and it never really mattered that much. But the feeling of not knowing how things will end eventually resurfaced when I created the main motivation for the Galactic Hero Corps' enemy, Global Thermonuclear War Dude. The destruction of everything always seemed like a weird super villain goal. What does that get anybody? Destruction for destruction's sake? Global Thermonuclear War Dude wanted to destroy everything, including himself, simply so that he wouldn't miss out on anything. He wasn't content to just leave the party. The party would have to end if he had to end. All parties would have to end! Forever!

Swamp Thing leaves the Sureen and Cappuccino to fight Wolf at the hospital because the brilliant Lady Weeds planned it that way.

Ugh. Wolf is even more disgusting than when he was a bald man.

Lady Weeds convinces The Sureen that he should help her become the Avatar because she was once an Avatar and The Sureen must help all Avatars. Also, she threatens to stab him in the face, so, you know. Fairly easy choice to make. I suppose her plan is to threaten innocent lives unless Swamp Thing switches bodies. But I think Alec has done enough body switching lately to know that it never does anybody any good. Especially him! And The Green! And the entire world, really.

Lady Weeds doesn't realize that Swamp Thing has learned his lesson about body switching and, it seems, is now willing to let two final innocent people die to keep any more from harm. She also doesn't realize that Wolf has learned to use his new demon vocal cords and that he hasn't lost his hatred of the vulgar.

Although stabbing yourself in the throat seems a bit crass as well.

I would have thought he'd kill Lady Weeds before killing himself but I guess suicide has more art to it than murder. Anyway, it wouldn't fit the story to have Lady Weeds dealt with by Wolf. Only one person in this story gets to fuck up Lady Weeds.

Maybe Lady Weeds can be the New 52 Oracle!

Lady Weeds is punished by being trapped inside a human mind with no power to stab innocent people in the face. But at least she's not dead! Although after last Universe's incident involving a spinal injury, it seems that comic book heroes have a better chance of coming back from the dead than recovering from being paralyzed.

After Wolf is dead and Lady Weeds severely injured, some guy named "A Calculus" comes forward to help Alec with his duties.

Swamp Thing #34 Rating: No change. I'm sad that Lady Weeds has been taken out. But I'm happy because now that Swamp Thing doesn't have to deal with Lady Weeds and Wolf, that means Etrigan can finally show up to battle Swamp Thing for Cappuccino's soul! Etrigan has been sorely missed lately. Although why would Etrigan still care about the deal Jason Blood struck with Cappuccino? Wasn't that just one of Jason Blood's plans to remove Etrigan from his life? And that's already happened, according to that story in Stormwatch where Etrigan came back and possessed some London punk. Anyway, DC Comics needs more Etrigan, no matter who he's shacked up inside.

Batwing #34

This is the end! The end of a very depressing story!

How is it that we live in a society where city planners have planted trees that release a smell like human semen and nobody fucking talks about it?! It's such a pleasant experience to step out into the warm sun and feel a gentle breeze blow across your face. Rather, it would be if that breeze wasn't carrying loads of tree jizz! Nobody wants to wind up with a tree bukake first thing when they leave the house.

Imagine a young, innocent girl who spent every summer on her beloved grandparents' farm. Let's pretend, since this is a fictional story, that the grandparents had planted these Semen Trees all over their property. The young girl grew to associate that smell with joy and relaxation and the love of her two favorite people. But remember that this is a fictional story and fictional stories never remain happy and joyful for long because, as your 9th Grade English teacher pointed out, conflict is the root of all stories! Or something. I forget. My 9th Grade English was a moronic asshole. So one summer, the young girl's grandparents were suddenly killed in a fiery explosion during a late night tractor drag racing accident. Heartbroken, distraught, and on the brink of despair, the young girl, on the day after the funeral, took one long, last whiff of her cherished childhood and moved to the city to live with some mice.

Years later, the young girl was not quite as young as she once had been. She was now a young woman. She's in high school and she's met a boy that she thinks she might love. She's not sure what love is but she knows that when she looks at him, she feels like everything on her inside wants to be on the outside. She flirts with him, they become friends, they become more than friends. Did that sentence need more than commas? Semicolons, maybe? Ellipses? Anyway, one Saturday morning while her mice are out, she finds herself alone in her bedroom with this boy. No, not a boy. A near-man-boy. She has never in her life seen an erect penis and it takes her by surprise. She is giddy and happy and full of womanly joy. The near-man-boy has never had his penis touched by a woman, so when this young woman gets low to inspect him closely, perhaps to smell him and take in his essence, her fingers brush up against him and he explodes in premature ecstasy! The young woman gasps, surprised but happy. She cocks her head back in a raucous laugh of pure and unadulterated mirth. And then the smell hits her. She's transported back to the farm. Back to when she was young and sweet and innocent and happy and not forced to live with mice in the city. And, of course, she remembers the terrible tragedy that brought her previous life to a screeching halt. She falls, screaming and crying. The boy panics! Did he get her in the eye? What do you do? Would hydrogen peroxide help?! He pulls up his underwear in a slimy, smelly smear of panic and kneels beside her. But she's not screaming anymore. She's just staring, helplessly. Listlessly. Something in her is gone, driven away by the shock of that smell. Her life is over yet again. The next, and last, phase of her life is spent in a mental ward, comatose and unmoving. All because we live in a fucking society that allows trees that smell like human semen to infest our living spaces!

Was that a good morality tale? Or parable? Or fable? Or cautionary tale? One of those! Or something else. Anyway, I bet it's better than Batwing!

Do something truly disgusting so that DC cancels your comic book?

Because Lucas Fox is crappy at being Batwing and his entire world has turned into pubic hair covered lollipops, he decides to not be Batwing for a bit. First off on his non-Batwing day is to have an uncomfortable conversation with his mother. Then he's going to a planetarium with his little sister. Not the one that stares into the distance and drools; the one that outwitted the Rat Catcher and still has to sit in a car-seat.

Luke's little sister is supposed to be really smart. But she isn't! Because she believes that if a good guy kills a monster, that makes the good guy a monster too! Pshaw! Blanket statements like that are for average to stupid people! You'd have to judge every individual situation in which a good guy kills a monster to determine if the good guy acted like a monster or not! Some people might think Batman is a monster for not killing The Joker because he knows The Joker will invariably kill more innocent people. What kind of person allows that to happen? Some people might think Superman is a monster like how people think that when they're being written by Scott Lobdell. Also maybe when he really is a monster because he's infected by Doomsday Herpes. Some people might think The Wolfman is a monster because he's a monster. But he's really just a guy suffering from a serious disease which produces symptoms only two to three days a month. It's all relative! Oh yeah! My relatives are monsters, no argument.

"Eww! Don't make accurate observations!" Shut up, Tiff! Your brother is just being scientific!

The Hot Scientist whose name I didn't bother to learn gets Tiff's phone number because she wants to give Tiff an internship. In reality, I'm sure she just wants the number so she can call Luke later because she's so turned on by his "hot" compliment.

On the way home, more tragedy befalls Batwing because this comic book doesn't remember that it's a "comic" book! He and Tiff get hit by an armored car and their car rolls. Everybody is okay although the series is ending so Jimmy and Justin could have just killed them and left the last few pages blank. Or maybe made the last few pages out of tissues so people could dry their eyes and blow their noses after bursting into tears. Although you'd have to have some kind of emotional attachment to these characters to be saddened by their deaths. So maybe the tissue would just be used by juvenile men masturbating to the Hot Scientist after they were done reading the book.

I guess the story about Gorgeous George isn't going to be finished because the comic book was cancelled. He'll just have to get his justice desserts in the pages of Batman, poor guy.

Um, and that's pretty much it. Oh, sure. Batwing saves some family from the guys that hijacked the armored car after doing some detective work even though he mentioned earlier that he's not detective. But he's happy that he saved some people and that's the simple purpose of his life. Or something. Ugh. These last few pages shouldn't have been tissues at all. They should have been barf bags.

Batwing #34 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic book ended its life the way it lived it: mediocrely. Mediocreally? Mediocratically? Whatever. It was boring and anti-climactic which was a disappointment since the last issue with Gorgeous George was actually interesting. I guess Batwing still gets a Futures End issue but after that, I don't want to see this comic on the shelves until it gets seriously retooled. Saving people isn't a good enough reason for Batwing to exist. Batman is already saving people. I think. Okay, maybe Batman is too busy being angry. Eh, I'm sure somebody in Gotham is saving people. Batwing is just redundant. And boring!

Grayson #2

The logo looks like a font I would have designed in third grade.

You know how I begin most of my reviews bullshitting about anything except the comic book? I've run out of stuff to ramble about. So I need readers to send in finished pieces that I can pretend I wrote and add them to future reviews. You won't get any compensation or notoriety or acknowledgment from me that you put in some extra work that I pawned off as my own. But if you're tricky, you can make the first letter of each word spell out your name! I probably wouldn't notice anything so subversive. I might add the word "fuck" to your piece a half dozen times so that it actually sounds like I wrote it. Just think of it as charity! I am a poor orphan down on his luck and out of ideas, and you're a noble, rich, sexy wordsmith that has plenty of great ideas oozing out of your butthole which you'd love to drip into my waiting maw! Mmm! Succulent stories! Nutty themes! Steamy and profound philosophical arguments!

Maybe you'll get a certificate of some kind that says you helped out! You can join the "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Club! Man, that's clever! I didn't know I could get more cleverer! But there it was! I did it! "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea And I!" Genius!

Oh was it, Batman? It would have been nice to have been invited as opposed to having to just look at black and white art of the event.

The Midnighter has taken a leave of absence from Stormwatch to get his head back together after some accident defeating some jerko named Paragon. He's busy spying on Spyral for some clues to fix his brain and his number one target is Dick Grayson. He doesn't know it's Dick because Spyral has anti-facial recognition software that makes their agents faces look like reverse beer goggles.

Dick and Helena are busy searching for a guy with a cybernetic stomach somewhere in the English countryside. I don't know how they're supposed to find it. Maybe the guy's stomach pings instead of growls? Perhaps he eats batteries? Maybe Dick is going to go around punching everybody in the stomach until he breaks his fist? Or maybe he'll just stand around looking like an awkward, obvious foreigner until the woman with the metal stomach finds him, lures him into her lair, and tries to eat him.

Who are T.H.E.Y.?

Instead of battling the superspeedster cannibal, Dr. Ashemoore, Helena Bertinelli offers her a job working for Spyral. They'd have to take her stomach, of course. But she'd get a lab and all the funding she needs for her experiments. Dick wants no part in hiring a cannibal so he falls unconscious or something. It's all very technical and spyey.

And after all that spy stuff happens in which Spyral gathers up another piece of the Weather Satellite, Batman laughs.

How dare they laugh at Alfred after all he's done for them!

Grayson #2 Rating: No change. This feels like a comic book that would have been just fine if they'd let some other hero have the starring role and just left Dick Grayson alive and happy to run around as Nightwing. So they'd have to change two pages where the hero isn't able to act so familiar with Batman on the radio. Big deal! If Nightwing were still around, we'd have plenty of pages of Batman and Nightwing having touching conversations! We could even have some poignant Dick and Alfred moments. But not now! Nope! Dick's dead! Okay, he's fake dead right now. But The Midnighter is after him so it won't be long until he's real dead.

Justice League 3000 #9

Can you believe it? Giffen and DeMatteis had a comic book last longer than eight issues!

Every time somebody says the word "daybreak," I hear "date rape." And I don't like to constantly hear about date rape. So I think people should stop using the word "daybreak." I know it's all in my head but if somebody accidentally steps on my toes, they should stop doing that because it hurts. I'm just trying to live my life without having to hear the phrase "date rape." I don't think it's too much to ask that other people make all of the effort on this. I try not to hear "date rape" but I do. Every time! So there's nothing left for it but for everybody to drop the word "daybreak" from their vocabulary. In fact, I'd like people to say "the D-Mishear" whenever they would normally say "daybreak." And I don't want to hear from anybody that says they never hear "date rape" when somebody says "daybreak" because this isn't about you. Check your privilege.

Meanwhile in the comic book, Batman has some expository dialogue to get through.

Yep, yep. That's how things were left at the end of last issue.

This issue, the plan is all about running away as fast and as far as possible. It's a sensible plan, really! The JL3k Gang are full of micro-explosives that can be detonated remotely, so that sucks. Also sucking, Locus, one of their enemies, can wish anything into (or out of!) existence. She's a genie of sorts and she's in love with an astronaut: Hal Jordan. Wait, he was just a test pilot, wasn't he? I bet he never made the cut for astronaut training because he always failed the written tests. Are there written tests to become an astronaut? I think there are written tests for every career. Even prostitution.

While Hal remains behind on Cadmusworld to delay Locus, the rest of the team make their unwilling escape. I mean, they want to escape! But they don't want to do it without Hal. But Hal forces them through the teleport with a big green hand construct. Now all he has to do is distract Locus by fucking her, and everything should be swell.

Why isn't he fucking her?! Idiot!

Instead of enjoying a nice, romantic evening slapping pee pees with Locus, Green Lantern spins her into unconsciousness and makes his escape. He could have spun her into unconsciousness on his pee-pee but he uses his magic cape instead. What is wrong with him? She might be crazy cuckoo but she's crazy sexy too! As Green Lantern leaves, Superman arrives to help Teri, the new Flash.

Why does "romance" have "man" in it. That's disgusting. From now on, it should be rowomance. No wait! Woman has man in it too, so that doesn't work. Maybe it should be rogrrlance. Is that a little too catchy? Yeah, probably. Forget I said anything.

Teri the Flash's story might be ten pages long but this is probably all you need to know about her mission.

The different panel sizes is really annoying.

Superman comes back to get Teri the Flash off-world and the issue ends.

Justice League 3000 Rating: No change. Next issue says "final" in it as if it's the final issue although it might actually be just the final battle between the JL3k Gang and the Fatal Five. It's hard to believe that a Giffen/DeMatteis series has lasted so long! Two issues past normal cancellation. What is the world coming to?

The Phantom Stranger #22

The Phantom Stranger wages a war against his own sexuality atop God's Penis.

Writing two blogs per day is time consuming! I've had to start seriously curtailing the amount of time I spend masturbating just to keep up on all of my DC Comic books. I have a stack of Ms. Marvel that I'd still like to comment on when I read them even though I've basically given up commenting on Marvel because God didn't make enough time for human beings to do all the things they want to do. What a jerk! I can't wait to look Him in the eye, point my finger right at His nose, and say, "Please don't send me to Hell." But I'll be thinking, "You Jerko Jerk of the Jerkiest Jerks!" God can't read minds, can he? Maybe I shouldn't think that when I meet Him! Maybe I shouldn't have thought that at all! Maybe I shouldn't have put it down in writing?!

Maybe I'll just thank him for that time he aborted my dear child so that I never had to come to the decision myself. God does answer prayers! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

I mean, Goddamn Himself for taking my baby! Fuck His mysterious ways! I didn't learn any lesson at all that was worth the loss of future love and debt!

Sometimes it's fun to pretend to believe in God!

I picture the Christian God as more of a Comic Sans kind of deity.

You know what kind of people I could never be friends with? The kind that read or hear something and determine the source was "trying to be shocking." People like Rusty Brehe! It's the kind of statement one makes when they're offended by something but don't want to give the originator of the offense credit for making them feel offended. You know when I'm trying to be shocking? Never! Because when I write something that makes me laugh, I assume it will make other people laugh. Writers are looking for an audience that take enjoyment from the things they write. Right?

I figured I'd just put that previous paragraph here since I was trying to be shocking earlier. I mean, funny! I was trying to be funny!

The Phantom Stranger curses and wonders why God didn't appear to him as a tiny dog that he could kick across the desert scrub brush. Instead God had to appear as The Font in the Sky. How do you defeat floating words?!

Whose mercy kept him from the fires of Hell? Who's the giant Prick that sends people to Hell? This is like some drunk asshole calling you a name and then threatening to beat your ass for being a dick when you respond with some choice names of your own.

God fights dirty. Instead of punching The Phantom Stranger in the eye so that The Stranger can punch God in His "I", God sends The Stranger back into Philip Stark's body and life the night after The Sin Eater turned everything upside down by stealing Stark's family and killing the babysitter.

The entire story is told using so many Narration Boxes that the panels don't even need to be there. I think the only reason for the art is to replace the "he said" and the "she said" of the dialogue. You can tell even Fernando Blanco was bored drawing this comic book by the slack expressions on the faces of everybody. They all look too stupid to understand what's happening.

Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand what's happening?! Is this how God fights all of his battles? I remember He tried this trick once in that book by Nikos Kazantzakis! This must be The Last Temptation of Philip J. Stark. It's the only way God knows how to test people.

God: "So? You think serving me your entire life was so bad, do you? Well, let me show you what your life would have been like if you'd had a spouse and some kids! You'll be begging to by my puppet again!"

I think most people share common ground in their understanding of good and evil. The only person's take on good and evil that I find confusing is God's!

I've resized it to fit the parameters of my blog (Tumblr, not Blogspot. Sorry, Blogspot! My pics tend to be a smidgen too big for the site) but when I originally scanned it, it was 666 pixels! Spooky!

I'd also like to point out how hell is created by each individual person. If you noticed that I had God speaking in Comic Sans above and were annoyed by it, it's your own fault. If you never want to see Comic Sans again, delete the fucking font from your computer! You've had the power all along!

The Phantom Stranger is learning about imposing Hell on himself too! Why do you feel you have to be exposed to Comic Sans, Stranger? Because of what you did to Christ? Come on! Christ wouldn't blame you. He used you, you dumb dumb! You should be angry at him, not yourself!

Dog finally appears when The Stranger has had enough of hallucinations and madness and cries out to Him for help. He explains to The Phantom Stranger that thing I got to first about Hell being created by each individual. Dog has never punished The Stranger. Some strange mystic council has never punished him. The Phantom Stranger has always believed he needed to be punished. It is Judas Iscariot's greatest sin: the belief that he could sin so greatly that he could never be forgiven. Christ forgives all; Christ redeems all. So to think one is above redemption puts one above Christ himself! And so, The Stranger accepted any punishments and tortures given to him by jerko DC writers and editors.

The Stranger offers to trade his life for Zauriel's and thus wins the battle against Dog. Or The Font in the Sky. Or himself, actually. Anyway, Zauriel comes back to life but gets to appear as a woman because The Stranger hasn't accepted his homosexuality. Or maybe, I guess, he's not gay at all. And Zauriel wants to fuck The Stranger, so he appears with the genitalia that The Phantom Stranger finds sexually enticing. Then The Phantom Stranger and Zauriel fly off to find a new life! Oh, and Terrance Thirteen tags along because they're all into that kind of thing?

The Phantom Stranger #22 Rating: No change. Like The Phantom Stranger himself, this book lost its way a long time ago! Mostly it was just Dog fucking with The Stranger. But now that Dog's had his fun, it's time for The Stranger to figure out if DC can finally come up with a good story for The Trinity of Sin since it's gone nowhere multiple times now. Do Pandora, The Question, and The Phantom Stranger have anything in common or has DC just thrown their hands up in the air at this point and said, "Fuck it!"? I guess we'll see at some point. But not in this comic! It's over, right? Except for the Futures End issue! Right?

Earth 2 #26

How soon, in seconds, did Power Girl and Huntress think, "I've made a huge mistake"?

No more ass play and ice cream, Karen! It's time to straighten up and put on your Earth 2 panties! Remember those? The ones you never got a chance to take off because Cousin Kal-El kept you hidden away from the world and the world's penises? Now's your chance to get even, Power Girl! And I don't mean by beating the crap out of Cousin Flip the Fuck Out. I mean sitting on Val-el's face while your cousin watches! That's a rite of passage for most kids in Western Civilization, right?

Oh, and don't worry! You're not related to Val-el! I just call him that because I'm an idiot.

Currently, a strange, twisty, cyclonic light has been seen over CERN and that can mean only one thing no matter how many people say it's not that one thing at all and have proof that it's something else: CERN has opened a gate to another world! And that gate is sucking the Earth through it. Only Queen Lantern's most powerful weapon in the universe (after his well coiffed hair and rippling abdomen muscles) is the only thing keeping the Earth from road tripping across space and time to Apokolips Country.

Drug addicted Replacement Batman is ready to take drugs and to kick ass. And hopefully he's not out of drugs because then he won't be kicking any ass at all. I suppose he'll be kicking the drugs and balled up in the corner moaning about stomach cramps and crawling skin.

Why is it when somebody comes to chew bubblegum and kick ass, they have to announce that they're all out of bubblegum. What does one have to do with the other? Only complete dunderheads can't kick ass and chew bubblegum at the same time! Are we supposed to believe that the person will concentrate harder on the ass kicking now? Or that they're super angry over not having any more bubblegum? Do wrestlers turned actors care that much about bubblegum?

Hopefully fucking is the answer!

Has there ever been a situation in history or literature or song or whatever where the only solution left to do was to fuck? And I'm not talking about the final scene in the sewers in It! That might qualify but it's creepy and disgusting and I don't want to read about a gang bang involving twelve year olds as they fuck to save their lives. Although, it does fit the criteria for my question. So I guess that situation has happened! Good show, Stephen King!

I'm sure, historically, fucking was probably utilized to solve a problem by the Greeks and Romans every other week.

And then, perchance, fuck that hole?

You know how many holes I made while growing up? No, not to fuck! Just digging around in the backyard thinking that I'd find some kind of long, lost treasure! I don't have an accurate tally but it was a lot of holes. Granted, my backyard was the size of two normal house lots so I had a lot of places to search. One time as I was digging, I dug up a strange, acorn looking thing. I prodded it with the blade of the shovel and the blade sliced right through it. It began oozing pinkish goo. I completely freaked out, buried it quickly with my shovel, and ran off with my skin crawling. I think it was the gestation pod for a Predator and I probably saved Earth!

Other things I did as a kid that scared the shit out of me so that I went running off to a well-lighted room with gooseflesh all over my body? Shining a flashlight into the night sky. I always thought I was alerting aliens to my presence and they were, at any minute, about to come down and snatch me away.

Replacement Batman: The Drugged Knight Returns To Make a Hole

While Replacement Batman obsesses over a hole, Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Val-el face off. They don't fight because Val-el is a pacifist and a conscientious object-
or. I stole that from that poet that did that! You know the one! Unless you're American. Then just think it was Robert Frost in that poem about paths or snowy woods or something.

Why isn't Clark Kent a pacifist? Now that the subject has been broached in Earth 2, it boggles my mind that Clark never thought to refuse to fight. I constantly wonder why his battles always wind up in fisticuffs when he never needs to throw a punch. He can just walk calmly up to the bad guys, grab them by the scruff of the neck, and drag them off to prison. And now that he's infected with the Doomsday Virus (which he contracted due to violence!), he's going to have to be extremely careful about getting angry or he might lose control. He might have to take some classes on meditation. Maybe put in a Zen garden in the Fortress of Solitude which he can rake for hours on end to calm down. The main difference between Batman and Superman should be the level of violence exhibited by each. Batman has to be violent to put the fear in criminals (not that it seems to work in Gotham to deter crime) while Superman should be non-violent to completely humiliate criminals. He should pants them before taking them off to jail. And use his x-ray vision to make them infertile!

Tornado Lane joins the fight to distract Flip the Fuck Out Superman. She and Val-el just have to keep him away from CERN long enough for Replacement Batman to stick his dick in the hole. In this case, Batman's dick is The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. The Streak needs to get Aquawoman into CERN so she can beat down Bedlam and free the minds of Terry Sloan and Mister Terrific who will then be able to hit the off switch on the Boom Tube.

See this, artists and writers of New Earth Superman? The glowing eyes is freakish! It scares people, Superman! Calm the fuck down with the glowing eye covers already! Be the nice farm boy you were always meant to be!

Replacement Batman's hole plan works and Aquawoman takes over the fish part of Bedlam's mind. Or something. Anyway, it frees Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Mister 8. Maybe Bedlam's power was that he could only mind control people with "mister" in their names? The Misters shut down the Boom Tube allowing Queen Lantern to return to the fight. It's a good thing, too. Since he gets his power from the Earth, the further away from it he gets, the weaker he gets. But he was being heroic to save the world, so it wasn't a big deal to be in space this time. Gumption and what not, you know?

The last battle left is with Flip the Fuck Out Superman. Who turns out not to be Superman at all but somebody entirely better!

Yay, Bizarro! Boo! He dies on the next page!

So that takes care of Bedlam, Beguiler, and Bizarro. Darkseid has failed. At least until he sends the Female Furies down to Earth in World's End. But they'll have to face the Almost Justice Society starring Hawkcop, Val-el, Aquawoman, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick, Queen Lantern, Replacement Batman, Tornado Lane, Know-it-all Olsen, Doctor Fuck-up, and The Blandman.

Oh, also Bedlam isn't actually defeated. He recovers quickly from the stroke given to him by Aquawoman and steals back the Misters for his own pet project. That project is to release Fury, Big Barda, and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips onto Earth 2. He'll also take some speech therapy classes to compensate for the slight loss of muscle control on the left side of his face.

Earth 2 #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wish continuity would just die an ignoble death in a dark alley where its corpse will then be eaten by stray cats and sewer rats. The whole concept of The New 52 is that there are 52 worlds for DC to play in. When I first began this project (reading all the New 52 books), I had hoped that every book would take place in its own world! Let the writers off the chains of continuity and let them have complete control over their story and the world where it takes place! Okay, maybe a few titles could be on the same Earth, like all the Batfamily titles. Give me free range writers! Down with continuity cages! DC loves "unleashing" things, right? Well unleash your fucking writers, you morons! Take off the chains of continuity and be free! Free, you fuckers! Free!