Nightwing #9

How does Nightwing get into this kind of trouble in Gotham?

I keep saying that I'm going to do a bunch of shorter reviews just to catch up so that I'm reviewing comics the week they come out. But then I can never stop myself from digressing into digressions where I digress about more digressions. But I'm going to try! Starting now! For awhile, I'm actually going to read the entire comic book and then fart out a quick review! Ready? Set? Oh! I remember this thing I wanted to say. After watching the first episode of the first season of Little House on the Prairie, I started swinging my arms mechanically and making a goofy face and singing, "Der der der!" I was set off by the whole thing about how Pa was happy about his unexpected "harvest of friends." The Non-Certified Spouse looked at me and said, "You're aggressively cynical." Yes, I am! But that doesn't mean I don't love Little House! Laura Ingalls is my favorite character ever. She's a feisty bitch and she owns every fucking second of it. Even Ma and Pa love it although they only love it in private after they're done scolding her with passages from The Bible.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. Once upon a time, I used to hate Dick Grayson. I despised Nightwing. He was overly dramatic and constantly jealous. He whined about living in the shadow of Batman. He wasn't funny or charming or anything but pathetic. Mostly it was because he was being written by Marv Wolfman and I was reading the mid to late eighties Titans run. I never got over it. I went on for the next couple of decades decidedly anti-Nightwing. That only changed once I forced myself to read The New 52 Nightwing comic book because I was reading all of the others anyway. I couldn't ignore it simply because Marv Wolfman had ruined my taste for the character. What I discovered, nearly right from the start with Kyle Higgins' run, is that I really liked Nightwing. I loved his appearances in Scott Snyder's Batman as well. Dick Grayson had become his own man since the many years before when he was a tiresome twerp. Instead of Batman treating him like the son who abandoned him, Batman was treating him like a peer. Batman respected him for the man he became. That goes a long way because Batman doesn't even respect fucking Superman. I found that I was capable of actually admiring this character. He was logical, compassionate, and always kept his sense of humor. I discovered Dick Grayson was the greatest superhero in DC's New 52. I don't mean he was the most powerful, of course. I just mean he had the truest heart of what it means to be a hero. And, beyond belief, Dick Grayson became my favorite character of the DC Universe. So you can imagine how chuffed I am that Tim Seeley has been writing him for so long (because Tim Seeley is a Great Writer).

This issue is an examination of what makes him the finest hero in the DC Universe. It also reestablishes his relationship with Superman since DC Comics fucked that shit up by cutting their old universe into confetti, tossing it into the air, and reassembling it into a new universe without caring that over half the pieces were left under the desk. Dick is the guy to truly accept the new Superman without dozens of issues where he acts suspiciously and questions the new Superman's motives. He just fights beside him and sees who this Superman is and, afterward, accepts him as his friend. Which goes a long way to getting everybody else to accept him. Everybody in the DC Universe could take a few paragraphs out of Dick Grayson's book of being a hero.

Also, Doctor Destiny and his Materioptikon made an appearance! And Helena in a bikini! Or Tony the Tiger in shorts, if you're into man beef.

Green Arrow #34

Oh, just fucking break already.

I think I'm too rambling and verbose for the internet age. I should probably be producing zines instead of creating this whole, vague web-presence thing. But I have to maintain it for when I eventually have a product to sell! Maybe my first product will be a role playing game where you play a critic and you have to severely critique famous rock acts, or celebrity chefs, or tough guy mystery novelists! Then once your critique comes out, you have to try to stay alive as they send thugs and Green Arrows to shut you down. You'll need a thick skin because you'll constantly be told by the people you critique that you should stop tearing other people down (no matter how much they're stinking up the world with their "art"). Or if you say they can't draw, they'll say, "Let's see you draw better!" As if I'm going around claiming to be an artist! I'm a critic! And guess what? We critics don't have the luxury of saying, "Oh yeah? You think I suck at criticizing? Well let's see you criticize!" Because generally they just got done criticizing us. Jerkos!

Now I'm in a sour mood! How dare people think that the job I do is mean and useless and without merit? Fuck them right in their Goddamned faces! I bring joy to the faces of every person that ever had $3.99 stolen from them by DC Comics and their horrible editorial interference! When somebody comes home excited to read Catwoman and then gets diarrhea sprayed right into their open and aghast mouths, they can go online to read my scathing opinion of how badly Ann Nocenti needs to rethink her end of life career choice. Then they smile and laugh and repress the shit guzzling incident they just experienced because I just saved their life! I save people's sanity and what good is life without your sanity? Hardly worth anything at all practically! I'm a fucking hero!

It's a good thing I'm a hero so at least one hero is represented in this review. Green Arrow certainly doesn't cut it!

The biggest cliffhanger last issue was Diggle plummeting to his death while strapped to an office chair. That's resolved on the first page as Green Arrow fires his Fluffy Stuff to Land On Arrow. It's a good thing he keeps his arrows organized in his quiver or else he might have fired his Explode the Shit Out of Everything Arrow.

Yeah, that one!

I don't know what Green Arrow is exploding the shit out of in the last panel (everything?). The side of a building? Maybe he believes the building just tried to kill Diggle. You'd think Ollie would be a bit more responsible about what he's exploding the shit out of. Just because Dick Dragon just tossed Diggle out of that building it doesn't mean everybody within it is in cahoots with Dick Dragon, Guy That Once Took A Few Kung Fu Classes.

The other cliffhanger had to do with Henry being called "Fyff" by his true love, Naomi, after he'd been shot in the stomach. That bit is resolved on the second page of this comic where we find out that Naomi has now also yelled out, "Henry!" Does her quick thinking correction mean she loves him a little bit? No, I bet it means she's pretty sure he's about to die so she's throwing him a bone. Now she'd better hope the wound is mortal or she's going to have to go on at least one uncomfortable date.

Emiko flies from the shadows to put down Clock King. He's the guy that fired the gun into Fyff's stomach. Luckily Fyff has some extra fat around his gut that might act as body armor. But I don't think Clock King has enough fat on his face to protect him from Emiko's tiny fists of fury.

Have you learned nothing from your recent beatdown, Killer Moth? Poison Moth Farts of Death first, gloat second!

Back at the ever nearing confrontation between Green Arrow and Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Hobbyist, Diggle shoots two guys in the head. He'd better not pull that kind of shit around Emiko! She'll call him a coward and then threaten his life. Ollie doesn't mind though. I know he's mostly a non-killing kind of hero but I think he makes the occasional exception. Especially when somebody else does it for him and he doesn't have to take responsibility.

They take the elevator up to Dick Dragon's apartment because it opens directly on the room where Dick Dragon threw Diggle out of the window. Maybe it's a private elevator for the penthouse? Or was Dick Dragon just conducting business in the lobby of the 32nd floor?

But that's the main event and it will have to wait until Killer Moth is taken care of. Yet again, he forgets to pull the trigger on his canister backpack gun. He engages in a conversation with Emiko until he's shot in the back of the head by Red Dart's wrist dart contraption.

See? That's the proper order of attack! 1. Shoot. 2. Gloat.

Count Vertigo gets a bit of a cameo as he keeps the police from ruining the showdown. But he'll probably slink away in disgrace once he realizes Dick Dragon has been defeated. Unless he gets caught again because he's needed in the Suicide Squad. Although he was supposed to be in Belle Reve once already and never made it! Maybe Forever Evil set him free.

According to Dick Dragon, the battle between him and Green Arrow is over before it begins. Great! That saves a lot of reading time. But I should probably scan the battle pages just to make sure. Dick Dragon is no Midnighter! He may be able to do a few carnival tricks like guessing the weight of his opponent and recognizing clothing brands, but I doubt he's played this battle out in his head hundreds of different ways already. Dick Dragon is too cocky. He's played it out in his head exactly one way. Which means he won't see all the surprise fight moves Green Arrow's going to throw his way.

Maybe. Maybe Ollie will just be killed here! The title of the story is "Broken"! Is it time for Green Arrow to get his back snapped?

Use the Boxing Glove Arrow! It's like the Crane Kick! It can't be defended against! Unless this is the sequel! Is this the sequel? What happened between the first Karate Kid and the second Karate Kid that made the Crane Kick suddenly a weak ass move? I bet everybody studied the tape of LaRusso's championship win.

Dick Dragon may have beaten both Green Arrow and Diggle in about ten seconds flat. But that doesn't mean they've lost! Because even though they both have multiple broken bones and serious lacerations, they have something else that will let them win in the end: each other!

Gay!

I mean, Yay! Green Arrow has learned the lesson that Jeff Lemire has been hinting at for the last few issues! Green Arrow must depend on a strong team because otherwise he only has arrows and arrows are kind of stupid.

Wait. That's the extent of the teamwork? Diggle tosses him an arrow and says, "Catch"?

After Green Arrow delivers his "I'm not broken; you're broken!" line, is the audience supposed to stand up and cheer? Way to go, Ollie! What resourcefulness! What teamwork! What stick-to-itiveness! But not "what a hero!" Fuck that. I'm the hero, Ollie. I am! Me!

Ollie and Diggle leave Dick Dragon to bleed to death and head down to look for Count Vertigo. But he's gone just like I said he'd be! He's such a predictable coward. And forget what I said about Ollie's stick-to-itiveness. He hasn't got any because he just bails on hunting down Vertigo. "Enh, fuck it. I'm tired. Let's go home!"

Green Arrow #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. And that's that! No more Outsiders! No more gallivanting through space fighting aliens! No more mysterious islands and blind magic men and that guy that led the Axe Clan that was The Butcher from the nineties who I don't even remember. Now it's all hipsters and coffee and indie rock bands and elephant car washes and fancy cupcakes and Go Games and monorails and Capitol Hills and Unicorn Narwals and Wednesday Night half-priced cover at the Rebar because Green Arrow is staying in Seattle! His new team is made up of Emiko, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff. I can't believe this comic book has found its way back from the precipice after what Nocenti and Krul and Giffen and Winnick did to it! Some of those names more than others, of course. But they all had a hand in making this one of the shittiest comic books to survive every round of cancellations so far. And its future looks pretty good!

Count Vertigo #1

By far, the biggest douchebag of The New 52.

One of the great DC Universe cosmic coincidences during the Preboot years was that a man named Count Werner Vertigo was born with a hereditary inner ear condition that gave him serious vertigo. Unless his parents were just assholes. But it's his last name that was Vertigo, so I don't suspect it was his parents. Perhaps the medical condition was named after this family. But the Reboot has fixed this inane coincidence by renaming Count Vertigo as Warren Zytle. Or Werner Zytle. Whatever. He's still a pretentious fucking dick jelly with a lame power.

I don't want to hear any arguments for why his power is super effective. Just like I don't want to hear about how truly awesome Aquaman is and how he's "more than a guy that talks with fish." Because his power levels aren't the point. He makes people dizzy. He has the same exact power a vodka. And the power isn't even his! It's an implant that helps his condition. Take out the implant and suddenly he's suffering from vertigo himself and puking on Green Arrow's boots. Worst of all, he's aristocratic. He thinks he's better than everyone. Sure, sure. He is better than Green Arrow. I still hate Green Arrow because of what J.T. Krul did to him twenty issues ago.

But enough about my super ability to not let things drop. Fucking J.T. Krul. That guy was the worst. Captain Atom and Green Arrow probably had to start a support group for poorly written superheroes.

[[MORE]] Werner Zytle has come to America Canada to do some Bruce Wayne-type publicity for his charitable organizations. But Count Vertigo has come to America Canada to remember why he came to America Canada.

Because he was a bad child with a bad inner ear condition! Bad!

Werner's mother had to come to America Canada to become a whore so she could save The Count. She seems to be a bit bitter about the entire ordeal. What's her problem? Vlatava was only a little shit country with no real power or wealth. It's not like it was Markovia! Or Latveria.

Instead of saving The Count, she sells him to a medical research school that specializes in turning children into super-powered freaks. I'm speculating! They might just randomly stick electronic gadgets to the kids faces to see if anything cool happens. Count Vertigo's power was probably an accident which, when he discovered it, destroyed the Research Hospital and the entire staff, as well as all the little firestarters and Carries and tommyknockers that were housed at the facility with Little Werner.

Do not taunt the kid with the fucking huge contraption on his head!

Werner gives back better than he got because he's a fucking Count, bitches! He's in line to be king of Vlatava! It doesn't matter if you've never heard of it! What are you king of? Your fucking cock, that's what! Count Werner Vertigo is going places! And no institution can hold him, even if they made him what he is. He eventually kills his doctor (and probably everyone else) and escapes to reclaim his rightful place as the ruler of a shitty little country in Eastern Europe.

That was nine years ago that he reclaimed his homeland. And now he's back in America Canada to reclaim something else he'd thought he'd lost forever.

Bah. People and their petty attachments to nostalgia and family.

I don't get why people become so attached to other people! In love or hate! Geez! There are over six billion of us! Take your pick when you need a little companionship! Making any of them special is just cause for trouble. You know who wouldn't need a secret identity? Somebody with no friends or loved ones! And anyway, isn't that the DC Universe that Dan DiDio wants?! Who needs fucking love anyway?!

Not that I think Count Vertigo had his mother found because he needs a fucking hug. Oh no. I think he's got a little something else in mind here.

No, not sex, you filthy-minded asshole! Jesus. The minds on some of you people.

And then he fucks her.

No, no! He kills her! Because he's smart! He may be a gigantic asshole. But at least he knows that mothers aren't really worth all that Hallmark would have you believe.

Count Vertigo #1 Rating: While this issue was a well told story, I'm getting a little sick of seeing the fucked up lives of the Villains as children. Stop trying to humanize them! The reader is supposed to root for the hero! The Villain is supposed to be a cypher that just does evil for evil's sake. Building character?! Villains don't deserve character! They just deserve to be hated and reviled! But now every time I see Count Vertigo, every time I'm supposed to scowl and root for his defeat, all I'm going to be thinking is, "That bad ass bastard put his mother in the ground. Way to go, Werner!" Stop making me like the Villains so much, DC!