Scooby Apocalypse #10

I didn't know they made one piece chain mail tunics for women.

On their podcast, Athletico Mince, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson do this thing every episode where they imagine what Steve McClaren has been up to during the week. Since it always makes me laugh, I thought I would try it out myself! But nobody reading my comic book blog would know who Steve McClaren was, so I decided to do one of Cullen Bunn. Apparently Cullen Bunn's jerk friend who always sends anything I write about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn sent the thing I wrote about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn because Cullen Bunn had a reaction to it.

I can't believe I nailed it! I mean, he certainly didn't deny any of it. His wife even Tweeted about how they keep plastic spoons around the house because they don't stick as well. Which, frankly, seems like a huge lie (probably to cover up some sordid conspiracy). I would think the plastic spoons would stick to a penis much better than the metal ones!

I just want to clarify one thing: I don't love Cullen Bunn so much that I hate him. I neither love nor hate Cullen Bunn. What I did hate was Cullen Bunn's writing on Twat Lobo and Aquaman. You know, just to clear things up! I would also like to point out that I never @'d (is that how you say that?!) him via Twitter and only tagged his name on my reviews for archival purposes. I have done the same for many other writers and artists. Occasionally if I say something positive and I also think it's incredibly clever, I'll tag the writer on Twitter so they know I'm available at any Portland Con if they need a little digital and anal manipulation after Con hours. I'm not looking at you at all, Tom King. I'm looking at your cock.

I almost wrote my Steve McClaren bit using Scott Lobdell but at the last second, I thought, "Scott Lobdell never flipped me off via the Internet!"

More clarification! Cullen Bunn had every right to flip me off via the Internet and even in person! I was not kind to his writing. But I assure everybody involved, I would never be not kind to his face. Just ask Scott Lobdell when I had him sign my Big Book of New 52 First Issues! I totally didn't tell him I was saying horrible things about his writing on the Internet!

Hopefully, judging by the tone of Cullen's tweet, he understands that I harbor no ill will to any writers or artists of comic books and he'll apologize to me for writing Twat Lobo.

The Review!
Aha! I knew that chain mail on the cover was historically inaccurate!

Much better!

My knowledge of medieval armor consists mainly of three dozen Red Sonja comic books. But don't think I know better than to trust a single source for my information. I've also researched the topic in the pages of Cerebus where it completely backs up the facts from Red Sonja.

Velma ran away from the Scooby Gang last issue and now she's the warrior queen of Monstrovia. Did I miss issue 9.5?! This must be somebody's wet dream. I have theories about who that somebody is but I'm a little embarrassed about having that dream. So it's, uh, probably Fred.

Oh, before I wrap this up with "Yep! It was just a dream! A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!", I should also mention that Magilla Gorilla makes a cameo.

Definitely a dream. I don't think Velma is actually this fit or well shaven. Don't get me wrong! This Velma is great! But I still prefer the one I had to conjure in my head because she wears about six yards of orange cloth made into a turtleneck. Although I suppose when you wear chain mail against your naked skin, you'll be hairless before long. Ouch!

Yep! It was just a dream!"

"A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!"

The Ranking!
No change! What? You think I'm going to approve of a fill-in issue?! Even with Velma in a chain mail bikini, forget it!

Justice League 3000 #9

Can you believe it? Giffen and DeMatteis had a comic book last longer than eight issues!

Every time somebody says the word "daybreak," I hear "date rape." And I don't like to constantly hear about date rape. So I think people should stop using the word "daybreak." I know it's all in my head but if somebody accidentally steps on my toes, they should stop doing that because it hurts. I'm just trying to live my life without having to hear the phrase "date rape." I don't think it's too much to ask that other people make all of the effort on this. I try not to hear "date rape" but I do. Every time! So there's nothing left for it but for everybody to drop the word "daybreak" from their vocabulary. In fact, I'd like people to say "the D-Mishear" whenever they would normally say "daybreak." And I don't want to hear from anybody that says they never hear "date rape" when somebody says "daybreak" because this isn't about you. Check your privilege.

Meanwhile in the comic book, Batman has some expository dialogue to get through.

Yep, yep. That's how things were left at the end of last issue.

This issue, the plan is all about running away as fast and as far as possible. It's a sensible plan, really! The JL3k Gang are full of micro-explosives that can be detonated remotely, so that sucks. Also sucking, Locus, one of their enemies, can wish anything into (or out of!) existence. She's a genie of sorts and she's in love with an astronaut: Hal Jordan. Wait, he was just a test pilot, wasn't he? I bet he never made the cut for astronaut training because he always failed the written tests. Are there written tests to become an astronaut? I think there are written tests for every career. Even prostitution.

While Hal remains behind on Cadmusworld to delay Locus, the rest of the team make their unwilling escape. I mean, they want to escape! But they don't want to do it without Hal. But Hal forces them through the teleport with a big green hand construct. Now all he has to do is distract Locus by fucking her, and everything should be swell.

Why isn't he fucking her?! Idiot!

Instead of enjoying a nice, romantic evening slapping pee pees with Locus, Green Lantern spins her into unconsciousness and makes his escape. He could have spun her into unconsciousness on his pee-pee but he uses his magic cape instead. What is wrong with him? She might be crazy cuckoo but she's crazy sexy too! As Green Lantern leaves, Superman arrives to help Teri, the new Flash.

Why does "romance" have "man" in it. That's disgusting. From now on, it should be rowomance. No wait! Woman has man in it too, so that doesn't work. Maybe it should be rogrrlance. Is that a little too catchy? Yeah, probably. Forget I said anything.

Teri the Flash's story might be ten pages long but this is probably all you need to know about her mission.

The different panel sizes is really annoying.

Superman comes back to get Teri the Flash off-world and the issue ends.

Justice League 3000 Rating: No change. Next issue says "final" in it as if it's the final issue although it might actually be just the final battle between the JL3k Gang and the Fatal Five. It's hard to believe that a Giffen/DeMatteis series has lasted so long! Two issues past normal cancellation. What is the world coming to?

Green Lantern Corps #30

The Green Lanterns have a problem with Durlans in the same way that Earthlings have a problem with the Lizard People.

As you know, everybody is writing a novel. Most of us will never finish our novel at all. In fact, most of us will write novels that use the phrase "in fact" way too often, punctuating paragraphs with phrases like "very unique" and "literally walking on clouds." In fact, that last fact was completely incorrect because I said "most of us will write" when I actually meant "almost none of us will write." Most of us will write scenes inside of our head but never attempt to put them down in a book in a fairly linear manner. Unless we're avant-garde writers and then we'll make sure that our narrative has been exploded all over the place like a World War II Bomber falling out of the sky or like guts falling out of a man named Snowden who is very cold or like a frightened populace that suddenly doesn't know what the fuck is going on because somebody dropped a big bomb on somebody else and suddenly everything was different for some reason. I thought that since I am one of those people that will probably wind up having my novel published posthumously when some editors decide all of the notes all over my house can be put together into a coherent story even though I never did it because I'm lazy and unambitious, I would give everybody a very small sample of this literally very unique work!

This is an excerpt from my novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous (subtitled, And My Mother Proud), which is about a guy that's a metaphor for some other guy living in a world that's a vague metaphor that can easily be recognized by anybody reading the book as their own world.

“Keep the change, Samantha,” said the mysterious man. He wished this was another day and age. Not like last Wednesday but like King Arthur’s day and age so that he could take up her hand and kiss it and she would swoon all about the room and have babies with him. But it wasn’t a good old time like that at all. It was the modern times. And modern times insisted that you keep up a wall around you at all times and not get too close to every single person you interact with during the day. Probably because of lawsuits and germs, so it was a pretty good idea to not touch his mouth to her hand which was probably crawling with diseases from the last fifteen guys who bought coffee from her and fantasized about her doing chores in her underwear also.

“Thanks,” said Berkshire in that way that is almost sarcastic because it was only fifty cents he was tipping her but not quite sarcastic in case he decides to give her less next time and, really, she was glad to have the extra change since most people just used their debit cards and didn’t even consider tipping because who carries change anymore?! Berkshire handed him his coffee and turned to the next customer in line who could have been anybody because they’re not important to the rest of the story.

"Holy heck!" you're probably thinking! As well as, "What does that have to do with the Green Lantern Corps?!" Sure, I see your point. I also see that those future editors might mistakenly label my novel as a work of modernist humour when it is so obviously a horror romance. I should leave a note for future editors so they put the novel in the right section of the online bookstore.

Here are your precious Green Lanterns! I apologize if Van Jensen can't make them as entertaining as my novel.

Von Daggle is currently giving the Green Lantern Corps a refresher course on Durlans. Let's see. He tells them they can take the shape of anything. Arisia scrunches up her nose and tilts her head and says, "Anything? Like...even a bird?" Von Daggle snaps his fingers and says, "Yes! Yes! You have it! Even a bird! Even...even...A BUG!" Gasps gasped out of the assembled Green Lanterns. "Shirley, you are joking." None of the Green Lanterns were named Shirley and none of them had ever seen Airplane, so John Stewart pretended he wasn't the one who said that last line. And then, just as the Green Lanterns were coming to terms with the Durlans abilities and they thought they truly understood the threat they were facing, Von Daggle stopped them all from leaving by saying, "Stop! Don't leave!" For you see, the Green Lanterns needed to know the true danger they were in! They had to know one last thing that the Durlans might possibly become. Von Daggle waited until just the right amount of time had passed so that everybody was tense but not too much time had passed so that the tension began to wear off before he said: "They can even turn into...PLANTS!" He said that last word in an italicized way for emphasis and not because it was the name of a movie or book. All of the Green Lanterns were suitably terrified. Some of them even began stepping on all the blades of grass they could find. Just in case! But all that did was give Mogo a bruise and an orgasm.

John and Yrra were in the back of the class not paying attention. I bet they get killed by a plant now!

To find the Durlans, Mogo sets herself on fire. It's nothing any of the other Lanterns wouldn't do if asked. I'm fairly certain the Guardians used to frequently ask Green Lanterns to self-immolate all the time. And if the Lanterns didn't honor the request, the Guardians created Manhunters or Third Armies or Autoerotic Asphyxiation Space Monsters. You probably never heard of those last ones since most of them were wiped out by the Crisis on Infinite Earths. Some long time DC fans suspect it was because of those Space Monsters that Crisis on Infinite Earths wiped out everything.

The history of the Durlans is being told sporadically throughout this story by somebody to somebody else. I suppose it's by Van Jensen to me but I think that answer is breaking the illusion of storytelling somehow. Basically, the history of the Durlans can be summed up in three words: they were dicks. Four words if you think "total" should be thrown in there too. I wouldn't argue against it.

Mogo's burning pubes force the Durlans out into the open where the rest of the John Stewart Corps are waiting for them.

Come on, John! How do you keep a Durlan caged?

Apparently the way to keep a Durlan from changing into a creature that can slip through the bars of John's old timey cell construct is to make them burn through their current dose of radiation. Once they run out of radiation, they turn into a pile of intestines with eyeballs. That makes them easy to round up and also easy to call disgusting freaks. Although calling a creature a disgusting freak in front of an army composed of creatures that look like any two things you could find lying around and stick together (like intestines and eyeballs! Or soap and pubic hair!) is a good way to get gossiped about by team members back at the bar at the end of the day. "Arisia thinks she's so hot! Calling Durlans gross! She's gross!" is probably what Fatality would say because she saw the way John was trying to look up Arisia's mini-skirt during the fight.

Finally, Von Daggle ends his Ted Talk on Durlan History. It turns out that the original Durlans were all destroyed in a world shattering war after the Guardians of the Universe banished the entire race to Durla. Only a handful survived but they were in a constant state of flux and looked even more gross than the one Arisia had to look at. They simply became a big pool of shifting mouths and penises and fingers and feet and sphincters. They were totally useless and completely disgusting. So they decided to use their DNA to create clones! A new race of Durlans but ones that had to use radiation to shapeshift and held a huge grudge against the Green Lantern Corps.

One Durlan remains free on Mogo. I don't know how John knows that but it's Muk Muk the Fish Faced Lantern. Unless his name was something else. Grunion Guy, maybe? But what do they do with the other Durlans that are sure to escape? They may have already escaped! Can one Durlan look like multiple Durlans?! Maybe one took a hit for the team while the others turned into Sand Fleas and hopped away?

John has a thing about killing enemies! He gladly kills friends all the time!

Fatality decides this is no time to hunt Durlans or worry about the prisoners. Now is the time for the fucking!

I bet Mogo placed John and Yrra's bed right over one of his erogenous zones.

Meanwhile on Durla, The Ancients don their shape-holding Battle Armor so that they look less gross and head off to destroy the Green Lantern Corps!

Green Lantern Corps #30 Rating: No change. John Stewart has been acting fairly competently lately. What's going on? Why hasn't Hal Jordan sent him on a mission where John can't win? A mission where John winds up having to choose between his partner's death or the death of an entire civilization?! Stewart is being wasted in this comic book. Any competent Green Lantern could run this mission! Give Stewart a mission that will fundamentally change the way he sees himself and what he's capable of!

Grodd #1

Oh you silly monkey! You're upside down!

I don't know if I'm in the mood to be funny right now. I just got dressed down in one of my commentary's comments section because I'm not allowed to call out assholes. Apparently I "come across as condescending, self-righteous, arrogant and disrespectful." All that says is you've been reading my blog! Anyway, I'm just trying to get people to focus their anger in healthy directions! I've been alive a long time! I've seen movements harmed due to overreacting assholes in the mix pushing people away from their side! Okay, maybe most of those movements were in Dungeons and Dragons campaigns but you can learn a lot from role playing! But now that I've been told that my cock outweighs any experience or wisdom I might have on a subject, I should probably just stick to jokes about monkeys. Good thing this comic book has a monkey in it!

I think I just flattered myself by saying "my cock outweighs any experience!"

I hope my audience has very few monkeys in it because I don't need people complaining about my views on Monkeys as well as my views on attacking allies and my views on the nonexistence of God and my views that Canada is in America.

And before I begin reading, let me just apologize to Commenter Natalie for using her serious comments as fodder for more stupid fucking jokes. All comments to my blog are appreciated! They're also probably going to be talked about. Especially if they tell me I'm being a dick. Or should I say cunt? I don't want to be accused of sexism but I don't know which word would make that less likely!

Grodd's issue begins before the Justice League have been defeated. The Gorillas of Gorilla City are helping to rebuild. And some Gorilla is narrating and going on and on about destiny and whether destiny exists or is it made up or blah blah blah fucking blah blah blah. I'm sure the narrator is Grodd since this is his comic book.

I would answer "Yes" to his first question.

The way time works, destiny is one of those words that means something different when looked at in different points of a person's life. You would say of a child that he's destined for greatness but he may never become great. It's a belief and a dream. Destiny doesn't preordain anything and it's up to the child to choose its path. But at the end of that child's life, if he did become great, one could look at his accomplishments and say, "He was destined for greatness." And it would be true because he's already chosen his life's path and gone through it and that's the way it turned out. Funny thing about time is that that's the way it was meant to turn out because it turned out that way. Sure, it's a tautology but it's my attempt to explain why I would answer the stupid monkey's question with a nonsensical yes. It's both. Whatever your life was like at the moment of death is the way your life was meant to be at the moment of your birth. We just can't see it because, and this is the strange bit, we've yet to choose it. Yes, I believe we choose our path even though it's preordained. Nothing is forcing us to choose the path we take but once we've taken it, it becomes the only path we were ever meant to take. See?

Now if you want to bring up alternate dimensions that exist for every choice we ever make then fuck you! Let's read some more about monkeys!

The Narrator continues his philosophical musings and they're all fairly well-thought out and interesting.

I am convinced that "conviction" has never been used more perfectly than in this Narration Box.

And then the eclipse happens. And even though Ultraman set it up to block out the sun in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island, it also blocks out the sun in Central Keystone City, Whatever Fucking State It Is In. And then it looks like Johnny Quick is paying the city a visit or the Earth is splitting open. Maybe it's Gorilla Grodd on a moped.

Yep, it's Grodd! But no moped. Sad face.

I was hoping Grodd would appear back in time to attack Keystone Central City so that Barry and Hal's first meeting would be fighting time traveling Grodd just like one of them said way back in an early issue of Justice League. But then The Flash Annual #2 showed that wasn't how it happened because they were obviously talking about the aliens they had to fight to save the children. I think some of them were apelike. But instead of Grodd traveling through time, he was just now freed from the Speed Force by the Crime Syndicate. And now he has Speed Force powers too!

Since The Flash is (presumably) dead, The Pied Piper makes his triumphant return in order to save the city!

Oh! I meant embarrassing return. I had my dictionary upside down.

Since Centone Keystral City is just chock full of bad guys, a few come by to join up with Grodd: Chroma, Tar Pit, and Girder. They left out my favorite of this new batch: The Folded Man! I hope it's because Grodd plans on killing these nobodies and Buccellato wanted to keep The Folded Man alive so he could become super awesome and The Flash's greatest enemy.

Grodd does react negatively to these chumps trying to join his cause and he kills Girder for his insolence.

Maybe since he's made out of girders, he survived that ass kicking.

Solovar tries to stand against Grodd, telling him that they have decided to make peace with the humans. But Grodd says "Fuck that shit!" and attempts to kill Solovar while crashing a helicopter full of humans into the ground with his new "force of mind" powers. The gorillas and the humans attack Grodd en masse but it's not enough. He's just too powerful for them all.

Ha ha! Good one! Now flip over a car!

The humans that Grodd lets live are put into an internment camp while the Gorillas turn Kentral Ceystone City into Gorilla City. Solovar and the other Gorilla Elders are chained to the fallen Flash statue and used as Grodd's throne. And apparently Chroma didn't get to last too long in The New 52.

But there's The Folded Man! Yay!

Grodd puts the Mayor and the Elder's head on a stake near his new throne to promote the clarity of his new vision. I'm pretty sure that vision is "Shut the fuck up or you'll head will be put on a stake." But Grodd didn't count on one of the side-effects of being infected with the Speed Force: super-duper-hyper ADHD. He rules Gorilla City for all of a couple of hours and then grows bored, leaping away to whatever destiny or evolution or destiolution have in store for him. But what's going to happen to Gorilla City now? I suppose that story will take place in Forever Evil: Rogues Rebellion!

Grodd #1 Rating: Better than most of the other comics from the first week! I like that it all took place in the "NOW" of The New 52 and that it didn't involve Grodd's mother beating him and calling him a fucked up chimpanzee. Besides, we already saw how his daddy issues caused him to eat his father's brains and how being king meant everything to him. And now that he got it, he still wasn't happy. Isn't that always the way? Why is that always the way! I'm glad I don't know what I want to make me happy so I'm not unhappy wishing I had that thing to make me happy! Instead I'm just happy! Maybe I'm just an idiot.