Batman Eternal #10

The more dysmorphic Catwoman's ass gets, the more likely Guillem March is the artist.

This must be the issue where Batman saves Catwoman (instead of vice versa), then Catwoman hits on Batman (instead of vice versa), and Batman turns her down even though everybody can see the erection in his suit (instead of vice versa. Um, minus the erection). Didn't Catwoman used to have all the power in this relationship? Back in the days when Batman was less grim and more accepting of love? Catwoman would appear with a huge slit up the side of her costume, showing way more ankle (and calf. And thigh. And lower buttock region) than a modest woman would and Batman would go, "Homina homina homina." Then Catwoman would touch him gently on the chest or hips or leg before leaving and Batman would disappear in the bathroom for five minutes while Robin played Hunt the Wumpus on the Batcomputer wondering why the panels were suddenly filled with a "FAPPO!" sound effect.

But now Batman acts like he's above having a relationship with an amoral burglar even though The New 52 began with these two knocking super boots. I suppose I wouldn't want anything to do with Catwoman either. Not because she's a thief but because her dialogue is written by Ann Nocenti. Stop constantly over-explaining everything and spouting incorrect facts and start trying to make sense, Catwoman!

This issue begins by showing a flashback as to how Carmine Falcone got the scare on his face.

What a surprise! I thought it was from a garden rake!

This is the first page of this issue and since this part was already obvious, I'm hoping there's some context behind it on page two. I'm not filled with hope. I'm feeling quite pessimistic about the chances of explanation, actually. I have a feeling page two will return to the present with Carmine fingering his scar lost in thought just before he begins speaking to Catwoman who's probably tied up in a chair facing him.

This made me laugh out loud. Who's a good Master Comic Book Reader? Why, I am! Yes I am! Who's so cyute?!

Granted, this was page three and page two did offer a little bit of context. Falcone had just lost his power in Gotham City to Oswald Cobblepot and Catwoman was just saying her goodbyes to him and his ruthless way of running the city. She also stole a statue of Bast. Or Bast's cat if Bast is typically a woman with a cat head. Maybe she's both. What am I? A scholar of ancient Egypt? That would be pretty funny if I was, hunh? In my spare time away from researching ancient Egypt's culture and antiquities, I made dick jokes on the internet. Carmine's last words as Catwoman leaves are, "I-I'm not going to f-forget this, cat burglar." Of course you aren't! That's why she slashed your face, you dillhole! It's how people keep the memory of their past cats close to them! I have a nice scar on my left forearm that I will cherish forever after my cat Judas is gone. The day he used my arm to jump up to a higher surface, causing it to instantly well with blood and leak down onto the sofa, I was already nostalgic about the scar it was going to create and how a part of him would always be with me. It's possible I react differently than most people to being maimed by a pet.

I hadn't read that page above when I scanned it and now I just did! So Carmine's finished thought that I cut off is "--Gotham becomes a city of freaks." That thought is over a panel of Professor Pyg wheeling something into the Gotham City Hotel. The panel could just as easily been a picture of Batman swinging through the skyscrapers.

Professor Pyg has a new gang which you can see if you look at the cover. I like Goat Girl but that chicken headed guy is really freaking me out. I can imagine the others just have the outer skin of the animals sewed onto and over the person's actual head. But that illusion is shattered by little pin-headed chicken guy. Pyg has really outdone himself with these creatures.

Unless, you know, he's done this kind of thing before. I don't know anything about Professor Pyg except what he's done in The New 52. I believe he made his debut while I was on The Long Hiatus from comic books.

It's not an unreasonable goal. But he is going to go about it unreasonably.

Apparently Falcone is staying in the Gotham City Hotel because it's at this moment when Pyg and his Farmyard Gang step into the room.

I believe this is the first time Riccardo Burchielli has done any art for The New 52. I really fucking like this style. Paired with the colors of Dave McCaig, I would love to read a monthly book that looks like this.

Back at Wayne Manor, Julia Pennyworth is being pumped full of her father's tea so she gets nice and healthy. Yes, apparently she really is the daughter of Alfred Pennyworth. She doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with him. Perhaps she's ashamed he's a butler. More probably, he chose butlering over being present in her life. Even more probably, he chose Bruce Wayne as a surrogate son to raise and protect because Bruce needed him so badly while ignoring how much his own daughter needed him as well. So she seems a bit bitter and more than slightly pissed off toward him.

Jason Todd stops by Wayne Manor to frown at Bruce and shoot daggers out of his eyes at Bruce and keep his hands in his leather jacket like a 50s punk at Bruce. Bruce wants Red Hood to travel to South America and keep an eye on Batgirl. I guess the person Batgirl saw at the subway has gone to South America and Bruce is afraid she's going to do something stupid.

I know I'm overly cynical about Batman when I begin thinking he's doing this more for Jason Todd than for Barbara Gordon. Who uses Jason Todd to make sure somebody else doesn't get in any trouble? That's like adding fuel to more fuel! Bruce probably just wants to make sure Jason Todd gets a bit of a break from the awful environment he's in over in the Red Hood title. That environment isn't hanging out with Roy and Kory. The environment is having to be written by Scott Lobdell. Also, Bruce probably thinks this will keep Todd out of trouble instead of the other way around. Nobody is actually worried about Babs doing something stupid. She's the best combination of smart and level-headed amongst the Batkids.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Brown's story where she's trying to avoid being killed by her father Cluemaster in which the word "spoil" is used an inordinate amount of times continues but doesn't really reveal much.

Lucky for Catwoman and Falcone, Alfred likes to watch the Channel 9 News over his nightly dose of daughter's rebuff.

Batman drops through the skylight to rescue Catwoman. You'd think after years of seeing the Batman's work, Falcone would have chosen to stay in the floor beneath the penthouse. Batman defeats Pyg and his Farmyard Gang. He doesn't kill any of them but would it be so bad if he did? Do you think Chickenhead's life is really worth living at this point? I'm sure Bullhead and maybe even Horsehead at least have a fulfilling sex life. But Chickenhead must be miserable. I don't think there are a lot of people with the same lax restrictions on a mate as Gonzo of the Muppets has. I'm sure Goat Girl's life is fine though. She's cute, adorable, sexy, and probably makes a decent living clearing brush and weeds from large lots.

Batman leaves Falcone behind because I guess Batman draws the vigilante line at kidnapping. Superman would just put Falcone in the Phantom Zone and forget about him!

Batman tries to send Catwoman on her way because he doesn't need a little girl that he doesn't care about at all (no matter what his penis might say) getting in the way and possibly getting hurt. And even though Batman dismisses Selina like this, she still decides to give him the information she learned while captured by Falcone. That's that information from the beginning where she realized Falcone is in town because somebody tipped him off that Batman was having a tough time keeping the kids in check and putting the city back together after Forever Evil. And it's that person that seems to be Batman's true enemy. It's probably Hush. Geez that's a stupid name.

Batman Eternal #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was terrific, especially Pyg's Farmyard Gang. With enemies like this running around Gotham, it's no wonder Batman barely blinked twice when he discovered Heaven was a real place and Wonder Woman's actually the daughter of the God Zeus. I'm an atheist and I'd be more surprised to see a man with a chicken for a head than find out that I wasn't God.

That closing line (which now isn't the closing line because I'm explaining it!) was meant for all the religious people who argue that atheists believe they are their own god. That's stupid! That would mean I wouldn't believe in myself, you twit! Atheist doesn't just mean I don't believe in your god! I don't believe in any gods! I am not my own god! True, I believe that my decisions are my own and that, with a lot of luck and a reasonable amount of average work and taking responsibility for my own actions, I make my own way in the world. If you believe that God gave you free will, you're no different in your belief about life than I am. Okay, maybe I'd say I believe in the illusion of free will but that's really just semantics at that point. We act of our own accord. Believers just arrogantly believe that an omnipotent being has their back. I'm just working without a safety net, or a supreme being to blame my troubles on!

Futures End #6

How does Lois Lane have the most popular future blog ever? Spider Jerusalem must not exist in The New 52.

Because it's a weekly comic book, Futures End contains about sixteen million different plot threads so that different writers can concentrate on different parts of the story and not have to rush a script every week. So it's a toss up what characters we'll get to read about each week. Last week was Firestorm and Grifter heavy, so this week opens with The Key, Plastique, and Coil discussing breaking into TerrifiTech.

Surprisingly, in general, I agree with Plastique. But to answer her question about why someone might care: if you'd used the correct word, the person you're speaking with wouldn't have to clarify. You are planning to risk your lives committing a major crime. I think The Key just wants clear communication and isn't being didactic just to be a dick.

Listening in on their plans is Terry McBatman. He's decided to eavesdrop on them because he realizes that the Bugbot that came with him from the future is the woman discussing the break-in with her pals. Eavesdropping on the eavesdropping McBatman is Mister Terrific. He's the third smartest man on New Earth so he recognized the homeless man wandering around outside of his building as the Batguy that broke into his foundation earlier in the week. Actually one of Mister Terrific's employees notices that. But that's what third smartest people do! They smartly hire people dumber than they are but still capable enough to do one or two things really well. This guy's talent is seeing homeless people when nobody else notices them.

Meanwhile, Ray Palmer is bringing Frankenstein up to speed on the ship he built which travels through the Phantom Zone.

I made a joke last time that the ship shrinks down before enabling travel through the Phantom Zone. Apparently it's no joke.

While traveling through the Phantom Zone, things instantly fall apart. Or grow bigger. Or whatever. The phantoms notice them and soon begin destroying Palmer's ship. I don't know how The Phantom Zone works because I'm just a caveman. But apparently the phantoms can hurt the ship which is not a phantom. And Frankenstein's sword can hurt the phantoms which are not swords. The worst part about being attacked by Phantom Zone Inmates is that they're all basically Kryptonian clones. I can't tell any of them apart at all! If only they'd been attacked by Warworld, I would have recognized that! But no. Instead they're attacked by Black Adam. How the fuck did he wind up in here? Also (and I know he was in Forever Evil as well) but didn't Black Adam crumble to dust in the Shazam back-up stories in Justice League? I must have forgotten when a new Black Adam was created. Or completely misunderstood the original story. Or am simply completely remembering everything wrong because why would DC kill Black Adam only to bring him back with no explanation at all? That doesn't make any sense, right?

Back in New York City, Lois Lane is bugging the fuck out of Red Robin because he's not Red Robin anymore and she wants him to admit that he was. Here's one more reason why journalists are fucking assholes. Getting a story that can shine light on government or corporate corruption is one thing. Chasing down an ex-hero who has changed their name and is trying to live a peaceful, anonymous life is entirely another. But instead of protecting his privacy or his wishes, Lois Lane is thinking about how many fucking hits her website is going to get if she can break this story. Just because somebody sent you some clues in the mail that seem to imply this Corcoran guy is Red Robin doesn't mean you have to follow up on them. They could have been sent by any fucking crackpot and now Lois is pestering some guy that just wants to run his bar. Unless Red Robin is wanted for war crimes during the New Earth/Earth Two war, leave him the fuck alone.

Oh man! I hope he's wanted for war crimes!

While Lois stalks Red Robin, King Faraday has been stalking Lois. He apparently wants to know what she knows and who sent her the things that told her what she knows. But somebody, even five years from now, is still protecting Lois Lane.

I bet Superman found the Ark of the Covenant and his face melted off. Or maybe his heat vision has gone all Cyclops on him so he needs the visor! Or, and this is probably the actual reason for the mask, it isn't Clark Kent!

Futures End #6 Rating: No change. The introduction of helmeted Superman might be the most interesting thing so far across six issues. This is an alternate future story! Get fucking crazy already! Stop fucking dragging your feet, you assholes! How many issues do you expect people to hang on before they drop this shit?! I'd say six, so you totally fucked up! Unless Surprise Superman is your trump card to get people to hang on one more issue even though they know his identity won't be revealed any time soon. At least it's more interesting than Grifter talking to himself, Jason and Ronnie squabbling, Tim serving drinks, and Lois Lane bothering Tim. Jesus that sounds like an awful soap opera. Somebody better fucking die next issue or I'm going to start making up the story I want to read and I'm not buying any more of these things!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9

I think these Kryptonians need some serious therapy.

I know how to stop Superdoomsdayman and save the day! As long as Deadman isn't busy with his own life and he doesn't mind remaining in this body for the rest of eternity. It's not like he'd be any worse off than The Thing over in Marvel. Like Thing, he just needs to find a blind girl with an inability to feel tactile sensations and he can live happily ever after in this bony, jacked-up body. But what about Clark's personality, you ask? Well fuck. I'm sure Constantine can transfer it into the body of a dolphin or something. This is a comic book! Am I seriously supposed to believe none of the magic users in the DC Universe can stop this shit? What use are they?!

I suppose since the magic characters aren't allowed in certain story lines because they'd fix the problem too quickly, I'll just have to see how Superman, Wonder Woman, and Supergirl punch this problem into submission.

This issue begins with The Daily Planet printing government propaganda and slapping Lois's name on it to make it seem trustworthy.

I'm reading this on the correct date!

As you can read, all nations gave the United States of America the go ahead to drop a bomb on Superman because he was being a total dick. Nobody should worry about the side-effects of the bomb though! Only the entire atmosphere has been adulterated with a cancer causing substance. Way to go, North Korea! You're against everything the American government does but you couldn't go against them on this stupid decision?! Actually, you know they were against it which is one of the many reasons this article is such obvious propaganda to ensure the populace that there is no way in hell they are suing anybody later in life when they're all coming down with K-Cancer.

Also, Superdoom is a fucking stupid name. Stop robbing him of his "humanity" just to sensationalize the story! You don't tack on "cancer" to the name of your loved ones when they get cancer! "Hey, Jimcancer! Are you still dying? How about I fill the room with a gigantic green fart? Feel better now?"

Yes but it doesn't all die at the hands of Doomsday, you arrogant prick.

Death is easy, Doomsday. Anybody can be the hands of death. And, as you said, everything dies. So what are you actually accomplishing? Nothing, you stupid fuck. At most you're a gentle breeze fanning the flames of a forest fire that is already going to wipe out everything whether you blew by or not. You're a narcissistic piece of shit and Lois Lane shouldn't be giving you any coverage at all. This lead should be buried and your name forgotten. Nobody cares about you and your death-dealing antics. You're a piece of shit that should just take his own life quietly and alone, the way people used to take their own lives long before they realized they could at least make the national news circuit on their way out of the mortal realm. Anyway, I guess it doesn't really matter. Superman is going to kick your ass before you can kill anybody else. Because unlike Batman who refuses to kill but still only saves the day after innocent people die, Superman can save everybody before they die! Unless they're his parents. And all of those other people that blame Superman for their deaths simply because he didn't stop death completely. But he can stop Doomsday!

I think.

Wonder Woman has followed Superman into the jungles of Brazil where he's destroying more rain forest in a few minutes than the locals have destroyed in decades. She has asked her sister Hessia for help finding a cure for Superman.

She's also developed a lazy eye. Superman hit her harder than I realized.

I would have gathered up Zatanna and John Constantine, personally. But I guess an exiled Amazonian healer might be able to come up with some solutions.

For a healer, Hessia has some seriously tricked out armor to protect her when gathering medicinal herbs. And since the belt clasp is two Ws on top of each other, she'll probably hand this armor off to Diana when Hessia is through with it. And by "through with it," I mean dead.

Forget triage. I think Hessia was actually a veterinarian. "This animal is really sick and it's trying to bite me when I examine it. It should be euthanized."

To prove Superman is more dangerous than Diana thinks, Hessia reveals to Superman that she was the one that sent the pictures of Clark and Diana fucking to Clarkcatropolis.com. She did it because Superman wanted to keep the relationship secret and her BFF Wonder Woman didn't want that at all. So she decided to butt her Amazonian ass into their relationship instead of letting them decide together. Just as she predicted, this pisses Clark off just a little bit and he allows his Doomsday side to punch her up a bit.

To keep Hessia from getting killed, Wonder Woman hogties Superman and flies him up above the Kryptonite cloud so he regains his rationality.

Deep into the heart of the sun! Or Ysmault!

After Wonder Woman heads back to Earth to catch her breath and put on a heavy cardigan, the Red Lanterns show up to beat the shit out of Superman. They're the guardians of Sector 2814 so it's their responsibility to put him down! You can't let some other yokel take him behind the shed and shoot him. You have to deal with this shit yourself or you'll wind up blubbering about it for the rest of the movie and annoying everybody with your moaning. Although Superman isn't really Guy Gardner's problem. But he kind of is Supergirl's problem since some people think family is important for some reason. I think family is just a bunch of people society tries to guilt you into liking.

The only thing the Red Lanterns accomplish is forcing Doomsday back to the surface. That probably means Clark is going to change his mind about that sabbatical in the sun. Also, Superman manages to toss the Red Lanterns down to Antarctica. Or the Arctic. Oh, who cares? DC Comics treats them like the same place.

Maybe the Reds can take him back to Ysmault and dunk him in the Blood Ocean! That usually solves their rage problems.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you want to compare apples and oranges, take this issue of Doomed and compare it to Lobdell's issue of Doomed in Superman #31. Technically, since they're both comic books, that shouldn't be described as comparing apples and oranges. But apples and oranges have more in common than that thrown together piece of shit and this fabulously well-written piece of fiction.

Earth 2 #24

Is this where we find out Beguiler is That Time of the Month Wonder Woman?

I know. Ha ha ha. Tess made a PMS joke. What a fucking hilariously cliché piece of shit writing. It's good to see my standards aren't improving after two years of the same old shit, right? I never understood the whole joke about women being premenstrual when they were upset anyway. That only happens for a short time once a month, right? So why are women always upset the rest of the time?

Oh, ha ha ha! Good one, Tess. Another fucking joke at the expense of women. What a fucking asshole, right? No, I'm not an asshole! I'm just lazy! Recycling old jokes about women is just easier than being funny! I also enjoy a good joke about fraternity members being date rapists, various drunk animals that walk into bars, and Christians that are unthinking, brainwashed yokels! I do get offended when other people make easy jokes about women though because I always assume everybody but me has no sense of humor and that whatever they say is meant to be hurtful. I find that's the best way to live my life because then I'm always angry which helps me fight for survival. Sure, I sometimes punch a small kid in the face when I catch one running towards me in my peripheral vision. But better a kid with a black eye than me being mauled by a runaway lion! You can never be too lax because you can always wind up too dead!

This comic book has so many characters that I'd forgotten about The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. But he's right there on the cover and this issue begins with him being tortured by Beguiler!

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about white males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Are jokes where guys demand that women make them sandwiches demeaning to men or to women?! Who is the butt of a joke like that? It seems the asshole that expects to be served simply based on gender is the butt of that joke but men rarely seem to be upset by it. That's the problem with satire! It proposes a situation in which to ridicule one thing by ridiculing some other thing that doesn't deserve to be ridiculed! So if somebody has a scene in a play where a man orders a woman to make him a sandwich, thus showing what a sexist, lazy ass the man is, men watching the scene will say, "That's right! Get in the kitchen!" It's hard to shame people that have no shame at all, and men have the least amount of shame of anyone!

So, um, anyway, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick pisses off Beguiler with a lot of questions about Beguiler's look. Why was she a skeleton? Why was half of her head blown off? How is she a sentient, living being when she's obviously an old broken down corpse? You know he's just trying to get her angry with his bad jokes because he met a god earlier in this series and that makes even less sense than a ghost that enjoys torturing people with high technology instruments of torture. Beguiler thinks about killing The Streak starring Jay Gimmick but Bedlam interrupts. Bedlam may or may not be Batshit Batman.

Meanwhile, Queen Lantern managed to save Hawkcop in the Big Batcave Explosion. But he didn't save Red Speedy because fuck him. Who needs an archer to help protect Earth against Darkseid? That sounds a lot like babysitting.

I'm sure Watchmen didn't exist on Earth 2, so Queen Lantern just made this up off the top of his head.

I guess Queen Lantern didn't need to save Red Speedy because Replacement Batman and his Not Quite the Justice Society took Red Speedy's corpse with them when they retreated to Paradise Island. I really thought he was left behind last issue. I guess if Red Speedy has any chance of coming back to life, it's not going to be while floating in a big green bubble with Alan and Kendra. Although I don't think heroes on Earth 2 are going to be allowed to come back to life. Or maybe they will all come back to life but wind up on the other team. Perhaps Darkseid has figured out the Anti-Life Equation and he's using it to make dead super heroes fight on his side. Which means Red Speedy will become Dead Red Speedy.

Replacement Batman blames Red Speedy's death on Val-el simply because Val-el is a pacifist. I think Replacement Batman might be a little bit angry about heroes that choose not to kill (let alone not fight at all! Lazy!) since he lost his stupid refuse-to-kill-anybody son. Jimmy Olsen has a few choice words for Replacement Batman.

On Earth 2, Jimmy Olsen has a photographic memory! Get it?!

I'd forgotten that Replacement Batman is addicted to Miraclo. It's so much better having Batman using Miraclo than having some jerk named Hourman using the pill! I've never liked Hourman as a super hero. But I do like him as the poster boy for why taking drugs is awesome! The whole addiction part of Hourman's story is nonsense. I don't mean that he's not addicted to his Miraclo pills! I just mean who the fuck cares if you're addicted to pills when they make you super strong! I doubt he was really addicted to the pills anyway. Hourman wasn't any different than Hal Jordan who was simply addicted to being a hero. I suppose the drug addiction was an analogy or an allegory or satire or something. Pick whatever word you want and make it work. I would pick analogy simply because it has "anal" in it.

I hope Accountable Olsen does become the new Robin! Then I can make fun of him for taking a girl's job!

Meanwhile, Hawkcop and Queen Lantern have tracked The Streak starring Jay Gimmick to Washington, DC.

I'm sure Lord of the Rings didn't exist on Earth 2, so Hawkcop just made this up off the top of her head.

While Queen Lantern distracts the parademons, Hawkcop manages to free The Streak starring Jay Gimmick (as you can see by now, I refuse to stop calling him this). That's pretty much the entire plan except for one more piece that Hawkcop tacks onto the end. The Fledgling Not Quite the Justice Society lead the parademons out of Washington and then contact Replacement Batman for a way to destroy the creatures. Kendra asks Replacement Batman, "Do you know the Pied Piper?" That got me excited for a second thinking that Alan was going to have a new love interest but then I realized Hawkcop was merely talking about the story of the Pied Piper. Lame.

And finally, Accountable Olsen talks Val-el into undressing.

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about black males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Earth Two #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I sure wish we'd get more information about Beguiler and Bedlam. They've got to be Wonder Woman and Batman though, right? I hope my supposition about Darkseid's success at discovering the Anti-Life Equation is at the heart of the heroes being turned evil after they've been killed. Red Speedy will be the litmus paper to determine if this is the case. If he turns alive and evil then that means Darkseid has discovered the Equation! And he's going to need it too since the Anti-Monitor is on the loose in The New 52. They'll either become bitter rivals or roommates with loads of sexual tension. I'm not sure which I'm hoping for more.

Green Lantern #32

In this issue, Hal comes up with a really stupid plan.

I've been playing Dark Souls on the Xbox 360 since they gave it to me for free. It has a really steep learning curve but it's the first game in a long time that actually makes me consider my actions. Sure, you respawn when you die but you lose all of the souls you've collected. And since souls are both money and experience points, you really have to be careful which parts of town you venture into at night. While I thought the game was frustrating for the first few hours I played it, I've really come to like it. And I like it even more now that I'm a player killing monster.

Deep in the game is a forest that is guarded by other players that have joined the Hunter Covenant. The first time you arrive in this area, you're beset upon by a bunch of other players that are summoned to kick your ass. I didn't know when I first arrived at the place that these were other players but after killing three or four of them, I began to suspect that was the case. I made my way through the forest (because I'm unstoppable!) and met up with the leader of the Hunters, a big, fat gray cat that makes some fairly realistic cat noises. He offered me a chance to become one of the Forest Guardians and I took him up on the offer, seeing as how good I was at it. He gave me a ring which, if I chose to wear it, would summon me to kill other players when they entered the forest.

I wore it long enough to forget that I was wearing it when I was finally summoned to the forest to destroy the invading infidel. When I arrived, I saw a person in full black armor attacking other Hunters. I waded in and killed him in two blows. At that point I was sent back to where I'd been with my reward: 400,000 Souls. Now, you probably don't know the exchange rate for souls so let me explain how many souls that was. Up until that point, I'd gotten to Level 40. After using all the souls to level up, I was Level 64. Being a Hunter is the best job ever!

But then I decided I should take a break and read Green Lantern. You can tell how interested I am in that by looking above this paragraph and seeing the subject of my first three paragraphs is Dark Souls. That's what I really want to be doing! Playing free video games!

Anyway, the Green Lantern Corps was in trouble or something. Again! Let's see how they get out of it this time without apologizing to anybody and acting as if they had the right to do whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted to do it to. Fucking jerks.

Here's a picture of 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 to counterbalance all of the words.

This is only Part Three in a Six Part Story and the Green Lanterns have already nearly won. PB Anj is pulling her clanns out of the fight to head home and spend their war plunder. The Khunds are ready to walk away from siding with the Durlans because they think the Durlans are cowards. The Durlans, even with Green Lantern Rings, didn't seem to be very capable against the Corps. So it looks like the last four issues will be the Green Lanterns going on tour around the universe and kissing everybody's ass and apologizing for being huge dicks for billions of years.

Instead of letting their allies walk away from the fight peacefully, the Durlans blow them up instead. The only ones to escape are PB Anj and a few of her crew.

She escaped with her life! She didn't escape with her freedom!

PB Anj seems to enjoy making allies of enemies of enemies of enemies, so she probably headed to Mogo to make a deal with the Green Lantern Corps. It'll probably be something like letting her and her people go if they give up all the information they have on the Durlans. Or maybe she just came back to Mogo to do that kinky barbed wire thing that made the cover.

Instead of just throwing PB Anj in prison to rot, Hal decides to gloat a bit. Thankfully, PB Anj is one of the few people on Mogo ready to tell Hal the truth about how shitty the Green Lantern Corps has been doing their job.

The Corps definitely fails but I'm not sure it really even tries.

PB Anj definitely wants to make a deal with Hal. She knows where the Durlans will be because they need power to lock into the form of Daxamites. I don't know why Hal would need this information though. Let them become Daxamites! Daxamites might be strong but they can barely do anything without suddenly being crippled by a few lead molecules left lying about. I bet they even lose minute bits of power every time they fly through space due to the various lead molecules floating about from exploded stars. Forget about fighting the Durlans while they can shift shape and surprise you! Wait until they become Daxamites and shoot lead musket balls at them!

Apparently Hal can't do the plan the way I suggested because the energy the Durlans are going to consume are Gorin-Sunn's people. They're composed of living energy and if they're all eaten, it will be genocide. I don't think the Green Lantern Corps can just sit back and let that happen. So I guess Hal has to team up with PB Anj after all!

Meanwhile the Elder Durlans have arrvied on Gorin-Sunn's home planet and are ready to feast. But first they must wait for a Daxamite so they can learn how to turn into one.

Green Lantern #32 Rating: No change. I feel like the Durlans entire plan is just fucking garbage! Why choose Daxamites?! I get that they're strong and shit but the head Durlan kills one of the others and says, "You chose permanency in a vulnerable form." And you're not choosing that?! Maybe nobody knows the Daxamites have a weakness to lead yet in The New 52. Perhaps nobody learns about it until many years later when the Legion of Super-heroes comes along. Except they won't be coming along anymore, I guess! I think the future changed or something. Anyway, I'm less interested in the war with the Durlans and more interested in what the Green Lantern Corps is going to do to fix their reputation with the rest of the universe. I truly hope they stop thinking of themselves as a cosmic police force and instead change their approach to one of cosmic emergency services.

The Phantom Stranger #20

That necklace has too many pieces of silver. Fucking DC! Stop making such stupid mistakes!

Just for the new people in town, that caption was hyperbole! See, DC makes a lot of mistakes. But I really wouldn't go so far as to expect them to remember that The Phantom Stranger only began with thirty pieces of silver and has, since then, lost some and given one away. Fuck, I wouldn't expect most people reading this comic book to bother counting the pieces of silver. But since I'm a Biblical Scholar of Some Note, I couldn't let a moment like this pass without being a bit condescending and didactic about it.

It seems The Phantom Stranger and Madame Xanadu are still dealing with The Crack in Creation. This really sounds like a porn movie. And now The Spectre has arrived wondering if anybody needs any mystic pipe laid.

Bom chicka wah wah.

The Phantom Stranger is perplexed that The Spectre wants to team up with him and The Spectre replies, "I don't like it any more than you do." Does everybody else always hear that phrase in the voice of Strother Martin? Does anybody else know who the fuck Strother Martin is? Or do half of you simply assume the phrase was Axel Rose putting on a voice before singing a pretty decent song ruined by ending it with the line "What's so civil about war anyway?"

The Spectre points out to Madame Xanadu that he and The Stranger will be doing God's work now, so the women will have to stay behind. Madame Xanadu has probably seen some of the future and could probably offer The Spectre and The Stranger some advice before they go but she decides to remain silent because fuck them and their little misogynistic God.

The Spectre takes The Stranger to a secret place where they'll be probing some cracks. Don't worry! It's for the good of the universe! It's gotten to that age where it needs the occasional digital examination of its various orifices. During their examination, they discover a problem deep in the universe's colon.

Gross! I don't want those things inside of me! I wonder if I can clear them out with this gerbil?

Meanwhile Zauriel dies of being wingless while in Dr. Thirteen's care because he was too stupid to ring a fucking bell. Dumbass.

Back to the Universe's rectum, The Spectre and The Stranger are stripped of their mystical identities and also their clothing, laid out naked before Sin Eater and his master Natas the Rottweiler. Where is Dog the Scottish Terrier when you need him? Why is it always when you need Dog the most, he's off eating some other Dog's shit? He just allows people to believe that He's with them when random happenstance affects their lives in a positive way but then forgets that showing up when people actually need Him would probably go a lot further than pretending to be around when some team wins the big game. If Dog really wanted worshipers, He'd make a big show of healing the sick or striking down horrible people with bolts of lightning. Since those things don't happen, shouldn't we assume He doesn't give a fuck about being worshiped? I mean hypothetically since He doesn't actually exist, obviously! I've never seen a Scottish Terrier in my life so I why would I fucking believe in them?

Natas the Rottweiler (who is looking more and more like a Great Dane lately!) decides to give one of the two mystics a chance to live. But first they must fight each other to the death, naked! Also they must refute the Lord and live separate from salvation for the rest of eternity, damned for all time in a lake of hellfire and serving the Dark Lord until all time ceases to exist. But that part is in the small print in the contract, right after the part about fish feasting forever on their genitals.

Bom chicka wah wah.

I understand that naked men fighting isn't actually sexual. And when I look at it and project sexuality onto it, it isn't because of an out of control porn culture. It's the exact opposite! It's because I was raised in such a fucking puritanical country of nonsense that all naked people are instantly sexualized. When you refuse to allow children to see nakedness, you imbue nakedness with mystery. When you tell children they're not old enough to see nudity (when they can see themselves nude constantly!), you create a sense of adulthood to nakedness. So now whenever a child first sees nudity, it's almost invariably in a sexualized context. And that was before the age of the internet. Now any child or teen or adult can see any nudity they want on the internet even if they're constantly told it's a bad thing. And, once again, most of the images of naked people are sexualized because that's where the Goddamn money is.

Look at it this way. Now if kids want to see naked bodies, they go to the internet. In the eighties, you stayed up late watching cinemax. Before that, National Geographic was a pretty good place to see naked bodies. Now those weren't sexualized at all. But because of our culture that shames nudity and frowns upon children seeing nudity, kids looked at the images and found them sexual. But they were of people who lived in societies where nakedness was matter of fact. So now I'm stuck with this mindset that when I see two naked men wrestling and straddling each other, I automatically think they're engaging in sexual activity!

See? Bom chicka wah wah! Um, it is kind of weird that the dog is watching though.

Hmm. Apparently I wasn't very far off on the gay subtext in the previous pages.

This is so romantic!

Once The Spectranger begins defeating all of Natas's army, Natas skedaddles, leaving Sin Eater to face the wrath of The Spectranger! Or maybe just The Stranger since the two of them separate once the army of lost souls is defeated. And The Stranger is too soft to be full of wrath. So he punishes Sin Eater by leaving him as a morsel for the Lost Souls only to recant his decision when his soft, unmanly feelings bubble up from his uterus. But it's too late! Philip the Sin Eater is nothing more than a babbling, naked, bald madman. The Spectre says, "Good job! I didn't think you had the manly parts for that! Those parts being the non-uterus parts since obviously feelings come from the uterus!" Madame Xanadu probably saw that part earlier which is why she didn't want to help out anyway.

Now that the universe is saved, The Spectre goes back to hating The Stranger and The Stranger decides to walk off into the sunset with a naked man.

Bom chicka...okay, even I think I've done that enough already. And I love a good, oft-repeated callback!

The Phantom Stranger #20 Rating: No change. There were a lot of naked people in this comic book! But no actual nipples or genitals. So it really wasn't different from any other comic book where the super heroes wear skin tight clothing that makes them naked everywhere except for in the crotch and the nipple area.

Justice League 3000 #7

Who could they possibly be betrayed by?! Firestorm 3000 is the only one not on the cover! Or maybe it will be Aquaman 3000!

I answered the phone earlier and said, "Hello?" But there was no answer for a few seconds and you could hear the background noise of a call center. Then the person that called me said, "Hello?" But I already said hello. It's not my fucking job to assure you that I'm on the phone after you called me and I already said, "Hello?" So I just sat there silently until they hung up. Fuck you, motherfuckers. If you're going to call me about something, be fucking prepared for me to answer! Assholes.

This issue begins with Locus and Convert having a conversation. Locus looks as adorable as ever. Convert looks like a yellow guy in a religious hat for the Eastern Orthodox Church. I don't know if that's the real Convert or just a person that the Convert has currently converted. Hopefully it's not the real Convert because I'm still holding out hope that the Convert is Aquaman 3000.

Wonder Woman 3000's nose looks like a wart.

As Kali and The Convert amass an army to recapture Justice League 3000, I notice the army looks a lot like The Convert! That's a good sign! Because the army is the Convert as well. I bet The Convert is sitting in a huge fishbowl somewhere fingering an octopus as he dreams of universal conquest.

JL3k finally escape from the Fatal Five although I don't know what good it's going to do them. I forget what they're supposed to be doing. Saving the universe? And aren't they saving it from the Fatal Five? So shouldn't they be back down on that planet fighting them? Shouldn't somebody have killed Locus? How can you let something that powerful live if you intend to protect the universe from her? I don't think an antiquated belief in nonlethal justice can be relied on to keep the universe safe from a person whose thoughts become reality and whose reality becomes super reality.

Somebody on Cadmusworld (the shadow from the cover) contacts the Fatal Five because he's a mole for the bad guys! Or she is! The hair is crazy enough to be either of the Wonder Twins. But that seems too obvious which is why I guessed it was Aquaman 3000 when I looked at the cover and thought, "Isn't that shadow one of the Wonder Twins?"

Just as a refresher for my present and future self, I will list the Fatal Five, or at least the ones I remember. 1. Locus. 2. Convert. 3. Coeval. 4. Kali. 5. Umm. The Persuader? It must be the Persuader, right? I think I remember the fifth being the Persuader. And the Persuader must be the one that has infiltrated Cadmusworld.

See? I had a point! Superman 3000 agrees with me! Us arrogant assholes need to stick together!

It doesn't take long for Terri to out himself as the traitor when he snaps Terry's neck and blows off The Flash's head. That seems a bit much for a villainous debut but I have to give him credit for showmanship. Terry also points out that the Justice League and everybody working for Cadmus are filled with explosive nanocites because nanocites are overused bullshit. But only JL3k have to worry about exploding because Coeval immediately blows up everybody else. Which seems like a stupid move since the hostages were the only thing forcing the JL3k and Ariel Masters to surrender themselves. JL3k don't care if they die again!

Coeval might also be Terry's downloaded personality or something. It's hard to know for sure because this is the third comic book I've written about today and I'm really anxious to go do other things now. Like swim with dolphins and eat an entire pizza by myself.

Justice League 3000 #7 Rating: No change. I'm not so thrilled with the nanocites but I still like a DC story that isn't hamstrung by continuity. Some other good points: Howard Porter's art is nice to look at and The Flash's head exploded. Some other bad points: I feel nothing for this comic book or its characters and writing about it feels like a passionless bout of sex with a person I was never actually attracted to in the first place but kept dating because I had nothing else to do with my time.