Batman Eternal #10

The more dysmorphic Catwoman's ass gets, the more likely Guillem March is the artist.

This must be the issue where Batman saves Catwoman (instead of vice versa), then Catwoman hits on Batman (instead of vice versa), and Batman turns her down even though everybody can see the erection in his suit (instead of vice versa. Um, minus the erection). Didn't Catwoman used to have all the power in this relationship? Back in the days when Batman was less grim and more accepting of love? Catwoman would appear with a huge slit up the side of her costume, showing way more ankle (and calf. And thigh. And lower buttock region) than a modest woman would and Batman would go, "Homina homina homina." Then Catwoman would touch him gently on the chest or hips or leg before leaving and Batman would disappear in the bathroom for five minutes while Robin played Hunt the Wumpus on the Batcomputer wondering why the panels were suddenly filled with a "FAPPO!" sound effect.

But now Batman acts like he's above having a relationship with an amoral burglar even though The New 52 began with these two knocking super boots. I suppose I wouldn't want anything to do with Catwoman either. Not because she's a thief but because her dialogue is written by Ann Nocenti. Stop constantly over-explaining everything and spouting incorrect facts and start trying to make sense, Catwoman!

This issue begins by showing a flashback as to how Carmine Falcone got the scare on his face.

What a surprise! I thought it was from a garden rake!

This is the first page of this issue and since this part was already obvious, I'm hoping there's some context behind it on page two. I'm not filled with hope. I'm feeling quite pessimistic about the chances of explanation, actually. I have a feeling page two will return to the present with Carmine fingering his scar lost in thought just before he begins speaking to Catwoman who's probably tied up in a chair facing him.

This made me laugh out loud. Who's a good Master Comic Book Reader? Why, I am! Yes I am! Who's so cyute?!

Granted, this was page three and page two did offer a little bit of context. Falcone had just lost his power in Gotham City to Oswald Cobblepot and Catwoman was just saying her goodbyes to him and his ruthless way of running the city. She also stole a statue of Bast. Or Bast's cat if Bast is typically a woman with a cat head. Maybe she's both. What am I? A scholar of ancient Egypt? That would be pretty funny if I was, hunh? In my spare time away from researching ancient Egypt's culture and antiquities, I made dick jokes on the internet. Carmine's last words as Catwoman leaves are, "I-I'm not going to f-forget this, cat burglar." Of course you aren't! That's why she slashed your face, you dillhole! It's how people keep the memory of their past cats close to them! I have a nice scar on my left forearm that I will cherish forever after my cat Judas is gone. The day he used my arm to jump up to a higher surface, causing it to instantly well with blood and leak down onto the sofa, I was already nostalgic about the scar it was going to create and how a part of him would always be with me. It's possible I react differently than most people to being maimed by a pet.

I hadn't read that page above when I scanned it and now I just did! So Carmine's finished thought that I cut off is "--Gotham becomes a city of freaks." That thought is over a panel of Professor Pyg wheeling something into the Gotham City Hotel. The panel could just as easily been a picture of Batman swinging through the skyscrapers.

Professor Pyg has a new gang which you can see if you look at the cover. I like Goat Girl but that chicken headed guy is really freaking me out. I can imagine the others just have the outer skin of the animals sewed onto and over the person's actual head. But that illusion is shattered by little pin-headed chicken guy. Pyg has really outdone himself with these creatures.

Unless, you know, he's done this kind of thing before. I don't know anything about Professor Pyg except what he's done in The New 52. I believe he made his debut while I was on The Long Hiatus from comic books.

It's not an unreasonable goal. But he is going to go about it unreasonably.

Apparently Falcone is staying in the Gotham City Hotel because it's at this moment when Pyg and his Farmyard Gang step into the room.

I believe this is the first time Riccardo Burchielli has done any art for The New 52. I really fucking like this style. Paired with the colors of Dave McCaig, I would love to read a monthly book that looks like this.

Back at Wayne Manor, Julia Pennyworth is being pumped full of her father's tea so she gets nice and healthy. Yes, apparently she really is the daughter of Alfred Pennyworth. She doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with him. Perhaps she's ashamed he's a butler. More probably, he chose butlering over being present in her life. Even more probably, he chose Bruce Wayne as a surrogate son to raise and protect because Bruce needed him so badly while ignoring how much his own daughter needed him as well. So she seems a bit bitter and more than slightly pissed off toward him.

Jason Todd stops by Wayne Manor to frown at Bruce and shoot daggers out of his eyes at Bruce and keep his hands in his leather jacket like a 50s punk at Bruce. Bruce wants Red Hood to travel to South America and keep an eye on Batgirl. I guess the person Batgirl saw at the subway has gone to South America and Bruce is afraid she's going to do something stupid.

I know I'm overly cynical about Batman when I begin thinking he's doing this more for Jason Todd than for Barbara Gordon. Who uses Jason Todd to make sure somebody else doesn't get in any trouble? That's like adding fuel to more fuel! Bruce probably just wants to make sure Jason Todd gets a bit of a break from the awful environment he's in over in the Red Hood title. That environment isn't hanging out with Roy and Kory. The environment is having to be written by Scott Lobdell. Also, Bruce probably thinks this will keep Todd out of trouble instead of the other way around. Nobody is actually worried about Babs doing something stupid. She's the best combination of smart and level-headed amongst the Batkids.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Brown's story where she's trying to avoid being killed by her father Cluemaster in which the word "spoil" is used an inordinate amount of times continues but doesn't really reveal much.

Lucky for Catwoman and Falcone, Alfred likes to watch the Channel 9 News over his nightly dose of daughter's rebuff.

Batman drops through the skylight to rescue Catwoman. You'd think after years of seeing the Batman's work, Falcone would have chosen to stay in the floor beneath the penthouse. Batman defeats Pyg and his Farmyard Gang. He doesn't kill any of them but would it be so bad if he did? Do you think Chickenhead's life is really worth living at this point? I'm sure Bullhead and maybe even Horsehead at least have a fulfilling sex life. But Chickenhead must be miserable. I don't think there are a lot of people with the same lax restrictions on a mate as Gonzo of the Muppets has. I'm sure Goat Girl's life is fine though. She's cute, adorable, sexy, and probably makes a decent living clearing brush and weeds from large lots.

Batman leaves Falcone behind because I guess Batman draws the vigilante line at kidnapping. Superman would just put Falcone in the Phantom Zone and forget about him!

Batman tries to send Catwoman on her way because he doesn't need a little girl that he doesn't care about at all (no matter what his penis might say) getting in the way and possibly getting hurt. And even though Batman dismisses Selina like this, she still decides to give him the information she learned while captured by Falcone. That's that information from the beginning where she realized Falcone is in town because somebody tipped him off that Batman was having a tough time keeping the kids in check and putting the city back together after Forever Evil. And it's that person that seems to be Batman's true enemy. It's probably Hush. Geez that's a stupid name.

Batman Eternal #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was terrific, especially Pyg's Farmyard Gang. With enemies like this running around Gotham, it's no wonder Batman barely blinked twice when he discovered Heaven was a real place and Wonder Woman's actually the daughter of the God Zeus. I'm an atheist and I'd be more surprised to see a man with a chicken for a head than find out that I wasn't God.

That closing line (which now isn't the closing line because I'm explaining it!) was meant for all the religious people who argue that atheists believe they are their own god. That's stupid! That would mean I wouldn't believe in myself, you twit! Atheist doesn't just mean I don't believe in your god! I don't believe in any gods! I am not my own god! True, I believe that my decisions are my own and that, with a lot of luck and a reasonable amount of average work and taking responsibility for my own actions, I make my own way in the world. If you believe that God gave you free will, you're no different in your belief about life than I am. Okay, maybe I'd say I believe in the illusion of free will but that's really just semantics at that point. We act of our own accord. Believers just arrogantly believe that an omnipotent being has their back. I'm just working without a safety net, or a supreme being to blame my troubles on!

Arkham War #1

My guess is The Mad Hatter is picked last. Even after Mr. Combustible with the light bulb head.

My picks (and reasons) for my army from the characters on the cover (excluding Bane since he's the other captain!):

Deadshot. He's good at killing and, aside from a minor death wish, not insane.
Poison Ivy. With her on the team, you'd have control of every battlefield. Also less insane than the others.
Ferdie. I think even insane people are unmanned by a ventriloquist's puppet running around drilling out people's eyes. I'd only pick Shauna the Ventriloquist as well if I had to pick them together. She's fucking nuts!
Scarecrow. He's going to cause fear and chaos no matter what, so I might as well pretend that he's working toward my ends. I'd have Deadshot ready to pull the trigger on him at the first sign of him turning on his own.
The Prankster. It's modern warfare! You definitely need a techie on your team.
Man-bat. Even though I can't stand him, I'll need an air force. I'd only take the more psychotic Woman-bat to maintain air superiority.
The White Rabbit. If I need anything scouted that can't be seen by air, she'd be the best of this bunch. Not a whole lot of real super powers in this bunch, so I think she'd be uncatchable. Although she'd probably turn on me.
Killer Croc. I'd need some muscle to go against Bane's venom crazed Blackgate crew. Croc is more reliable than what we've seen lately from Clayface.
Mr. Freeze. Simply for his technology. His brand of insanity probably wouldn't really hamper the war effort either.
Talon. I suppose having an undying death dealer would be good to have. Although I might need The Court of Owls to keep him under control. And who wants them in the war room? They won't try to win the war. They'll drive it toward a stalemate! Jerks.

I think everyone else is too crazy or useless for my tastes. Who needs The Riddler leaving clues to each of your offensives? The Penguin and Emperor Blackgate are going to be more concerned with wresting control from me. The Joker's Daughter is written by Nocenti so I'm not going to want to hear her awkward, stilted dialogue. Two-Face won't take orders from anybody but his coin. The Mad Hatter has a bit of a low self-esteem problem and I think he'd resent being an underling. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are idiotic characters. Having a serial killer amongst the troops is sure to bring down morale, so Zsasz is out. Dollmaker is out for pretty much the same reason. The others I either don't recognize or I just don't know enough about, like Black Mask or Professor Pyg or The Reaper.

I'm almost certain my entire army would be wiped out almost immediately by Bane's thousands of venomized prisoners out of Blackgate along with The White Rabbit already working for him and telling Bane all of my movements. Why did I pick her?!

Anyway, Bane wants Gotham. Gotham has currently been parceled out amongst the nutcases of Arkham by The Penguin. That means Turf War! Let's go!

Bane's first stop was Blackgate to pick up more soldiers. Gee, I hope Warden Agatha is okay!

Commissioner Gordon and Detective Pierce (who just made detective last year, so I don't think I should be familiar with her. I also don't know if she's an old Preboot character either) watch the chaos from the rooftop of Police Headquarters without bothering to turn on the Bat Signal. It'd probably just seem like a mockery at this point since they've lost all hope that Batman or the other Justice League members are alive. They know Bane has taken Blackgate and he's got a small army invading from the sea. And Gotham is no longer in GCPD's control because the inmates are running the outside of the asylum. Gotham is pretty much down for the count.

You know things are bad when the title of the comic is a pun on a horrible moment in history! Why not name this "The Hollow Cost" or "The Trail of Fears"? Maybe those will be the titles of future issues!

I can tell I'm really getting into a comic book when I already want to scan my third image and I'm only on page five. I suppose scanning the title doesn't really count. But page five takes place in Gotham Memorial Hospital, so I'm already a little bit creeped out. If you want to tap into my ancestral instinct for scary places, empty hospitals usually do the trick. Which sucks for me because it's a trope that's constantly being used! Also, I don't know why my ancestors were so scared of empty hospitals that it seeped into our DNA and now I'm paying the price. But since I'm rational and science-minded, I have to believe there is a logical explanation for the thing I just made up.

Another ancestral fear: small people that all look the same. Although if they dance and sing morality tales, it mostly mitigates the fear. It's still creepy though.

Professor Pyg has been given the section of Gotham with the hospital and I'm glad he's the first psychotic to be highlighted since I know little about him. He has just finished a major transplant on a professional violinist and he's just chasing him down to examine the surgery and make sure the violinist's body isn't rejecting the donor foot.

Seems okay! I don't think he'll be very good at violin anymore. But I do sense a huge soccer contract coming his way!

The Scarecrow drops by as part of his journey across Gotham to warn everybody that the Banecoats are coming. But Professor Pyg isn't buying it. He's got the injured to heal and the sick to kill.

Pyg's hospital looks like any Grand Theft Auto game ten minutes into playing.

At this point, I'm more interested in Scarecrow's encounters with all of Gotham's insane residents than I am interested in the big war that's going to take place! It's got a nice Alice in Wonderland feel going. But pretty soon somebody is going to get punched in the face and that never happened in Wonderland. Decapitations galore. But no face punchings.

Ha! Speaking of Wonderland. But then, Gotham has always been fixated on the works of Carroll.

So what are all the normal citizens of Gotham doing during this time? Do they all have "When Gotham Falls Apart" bunkers to hide away inside? You'd definitely get your moneys worth out of one of those things. Although the money would probably be better used renting a U-haul and getting the fuck out of that city.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Prison, Bane has killed or recruited all of the inmates. Now it's time for him to fall in love with Agatha!

I sense some John McClane Die Hard shit about to go down in this prison!

The Warden doesn't give up secrets and shit because she has a fucking eye-patch. So one of the top security guards points the way to a sealed wing of the basement that houses unknown weapons. Bane breaks in and finds a half-dozen Talons in cold storage. Don't do it, Bane! Don't start another Night of the Owls crossover! Please! Although this might actually be good. It'll be a way for Tomasi to deal with all of these dangerous zombie assassins that even Batman doesn't know what to do with. They can all be killed in the Arkham War by Mr. Freeze or maybe the Gotham Butcher will feel upstaged and eat most of them.

Meanwhile the Scarecrow holds a meeting with the new Mayor Cobblepot about the impending threat looming on their Neighborhood Collective. Oswald tells Jonathan to buck the fuck up and fight for what's his. I also notice that, not having a hair cut in about nine months, I've got The Penguin's hair and hairline. Maybe if I gained forty pounds, lost about ten inches of height, and shaved off the sideburns, I could go as The Penguin for Halloween! Gaining the weight would be nice because I could blame it on the costume! But I'm not sure how to lose the height. Jump off the roof a few times?

The Penguin's plan to help the city is to destroy the bridges so that the Arkham Residential Leaders can't flee and must fight to protect their new real estate. Bane's plan to help the city is to maim Professor Pyg and the rest of the loonies. For some reason, he just has to have Gotham. I suppose that's motive enough for his attack on the city. But what's the underlying reason for the conquest? Why does he need to be the sole authority? Why Gotham? What happens once he takes control? Does he just kill, maim, and burn through all the resources until he's the sole authority of a burning pile of rubble and corpses? I don't believe he actually knows what he's going to do. This is just a super powered tantrum. His sole motive is to win or knock the playing board and pieces from the table so that nobody else can.

Arkham War #1 Rating: Villains Month may have delivered quite a few misses but I'm enjoying Forever Evil and I'm enjoying this more! I don't need super dark comics with lots of angst-ridden fisticuffs. Dark humor with the Arkham Asylum inmates though? Oh yes. Definitely yes. Peter Tomasi really knows how to write to the characters instead of just sticking cyphers in costumes and forcing them into exciting plots. The Scarecrow makes sense. Bane makes sense. The Penguin makes fucking sense! At times I feel like I can't entirely explain why a certain comic book series isn't working for me. Sure, I can attack the writer's mother's womb for the horrible disaster it brought forth into the world but sometimes I just can't place my finger on why the writer is such a disaster. Seeing how well Tomasi sculpts a script and story to the characters, now I can see precisely why Ann Nocenti is so horrible with Catwoman. It's because she doesn't know the character and, judging by interviews I've read from her about Green Arrow and Catwoman, she doesn't seem to care that she doesn't know the character! She thinks boiling historical characters down to a couple of bullet points means understanding the character. And she claims to over-research her subjects. Well, that I believe by all the bullshit lingo she adds to any story, half of which she uses incorrectly. But I don't believe she over-researches the characters she writes. But I kind of get that, as well. She wants to bring her own unique spin to the character and not be influenced by past writers. I get it. But I don't agree with it. Not in the comic book format where the characters aren't their costumes! They are an amalgamation of all that written history. You can't just fucking ignore that and then get excited when you decide to give Catwoman a cat. As if she's never had a cat before!