The Phantom Stranger #20

That necklace has too many pieces of silver. Fucking DC! Stop making such stupid mistakes!

Just for the new people in town, that caption was hyperbole! See, DC makes a lot of mistakes. But I really wouldn't go so far as to expect them to remember that The Phantom Stranger only began with thirty pieces of silver and has, since then, lost some and given one away. Fuck, I wouldn't expect most people reading this comic book to bother counting the pieces of silver. But since I'm a Biblical Scholar of Some Note, I couldn't let a moment like this pass without being a bit condescending and didactic about it.

It seems The Phantom Stranger and Madame Xanadu are still dealing with The Crack in Creation. This really sounds like a porn movie. And now The Spectre has arrived wondering if anybody needs any mystic pipe laid.

Bom chicka wah wah.

The Phantom Stranger is perplexed that The Spectre wants to team up with him and The Spectre replies, "I don't like it any more than you do." Does everybody else always hear that phrase in the voice of Strother Martin? Does anybody else know who the fuck Strother Martin is? Or do half of you simply assume the phrase was Axel Rose putting on a voice before singing a pretty decent song ruined by ending it with the line "What's so civil about war anyway?"

The Spectre points out to Madame Xanadu that he and The Stranger will be doing God's work now, so the women will have to stay behind. Madame Xanadu has probably seen some of the future and could probably offer The Spectre and The Stranger some advice before they go but she decides to remain silent because fuck them and their little misogynistic God.

The Spectre takes The Stranger to a secret place where they'll be probing some cracks. Don't worry! It's for the good of the universe! It's gotten to that age where it needs the occasional digital examination of its various orifices. During their examination, they discover a problem deep in the universe's colon.

Gross! I don't want those things inside of me! I wonder if I can clear them out with this gerbil?

Meanwhile Zauriel dies of being wingless while in Dr. Thirteen's care because he was too stupid to ring a fucking bell. Dumbass.

Back to the Universe's rectum, The Spectre and The Stranger are stripped of their mystical identities and also their clothing, laid out naked before Sin Eater and his master Natas the Rottweiler. Where is Dog the Scottish Terrier when you need him? Why is it always when you need Dog the most, he's off eating some other Dog's shit? He just allows people to believe that He's with them when random happenstance affects their lives in a positive way but then forgets that showing up when people actually need Him would probably go a lot further than pretending to be around when some team wins the big game. If Dog really wanted worshipers, He'd make a big show of healing the sick or striking down horrible people with bolts of lightning. Since those things don't happen, shouldn't we assume He doesn't give a fuck about being worshiped? I mean hypothetically since He doesn't actually exist, obviously! I've never seen a Scottish Terrier in my life so I why would I fucking believe in them?

Natas the Rottweiler (who is looking more and more like a Great Dane lately!) decides to give one of the two mystics a chance to live. But first they must fight each other to the death, naked! Also they must refute the Lord and live separate from salvation for the rest of eternity, damned for all time in a lake of hellfire and serving the Dark Lord until all time ceases to exist. But that part is in the small print in the contract, right after the part about fish feasting forever on their genitals.

Bom chicka wah wah.

I understand that naked men fighting isn't actually sexual. And when I look at it and project sexuality onto it, it isn't because of an out of control porn culture. It's the exact opposite! It's because I was raised in such a fucking puritanical country of nonsense that all naked people are instantly sexualized. When you refuse to allow children to see nakedness, you imbue nakedness with mystery. When you tell children they're not old enough to see nudity (when they can see themselves nude constantly!), you create a sense of adulthood to nakedness. So now whenever a child first sees nudity, it's almost invariably in a sexualized context. And that was before the age of the internet. Now any child or teen or adult can see any nudity they want on the internet even if they're constantly told it's a bad thing. And, once again, most of the images of naked people are sexualized because that's where the Goddamn money is.

Look at it this way. Now if kids want to see naked bodies, they go to the internet. In the eighties, you stayed up late watching cinemax. Before that, National Geographic was a pretty good place to see naked bodies. Now those weren't sexualized at all. But because of our culture that shames nudity and frowns upon children seeing nudity, kids looked at the images and found them sexual. But they were of people who lived in societies where nakedness was matter of fact. So now I'm stuck with this mindset that when I see two naked men wrestling and straddling each other, I automatically think they're engaging in sexual activity!

See? Bom chicka wah wah! Um, it is kind of weird that the dog is watching though.

Hmm. Apparently I wasn't very far off on the gay subtext in the previous pages.

This is so romantic!

Once The Spectranger begins defeating all of Natas's army, Natas skedaddles, leaving Sin Eater to face the wrath of The Spectranger! Or maybe just The Stranger since the two of them separate once the army of lost souls is defeated. And The Stranger is too soft to be full of wrath. So he punishes Sin Eater by leaving him as a morsel for the Lost Souls only to recant his decision when his soft, unmanly feelings bubble up from his uterus. But it's too late! Philip the Sin Eater is nothing more than a babbling, naked, bald madman. The Spectre says, "Good job! I didn't think you had the manly parts for that! Those parts being the non-uterus parts since obviously feelings come from the uterus!" Madame Xanadu probably saw that part earlier which is why she didn't want to help out anyway.

Now that the universe is saved, The Spectre goes back to hating The Stranger and The Stranger decides to walk off into the sunset with a naked man.

Bom chicka...okay, even I think I've done that enough already. And I love a good, oft-repeated callback!

The Phantom Stranger #20 Rating: No change. There were a lot of naked people in this comic book! But no actual nipples or genitals. So it really wasn't different from any other comic book where the super heroes wear skin tight clothing that makes them naked everywhere except for in the crotch and the nipple area.

The Phantom Stranger #17

Trigon and his entire family, including Lobdell's version of Raven, make any comic book in which they appear 300% worse. Hashtag I did the math.

Hey society? Do we have to hashtag everything? I know I'm late to being annoyed by hashtags but then my Twitter account is like an unflushed loo at a rarely visited rest stop. But now that they're everywhere, I can't avoid them. I don't claim to know what we, as a collective group of assholes, should and should not be doing with our culture. But when I'm watching something as mind numbingly mind numbing as The Amazing Race, do I really need to participate in #SomebodySaidSomething? When I'm watching a commercial for auto insurance, do I need to take part in the national conversation with a gecko or Flo? Although I am glad that millions of moronic assholes constantly identify themselves as such with things like #SorryNotSorry and #NotaRacist. I like Tumblr tags because they aren't intrusive and they're fun to use. They're like footnotes. You can take them or leave them depending on how much of a complete experience you must have. But hashtags on Facebook posts? Well, you know what? I don't really mind those because as soon as I see a hashtag included I know that post isn't worth reading. Fuck, I already know 95% of all Facebook posts aren't worth reading. Sorry, friends and family but, well, hashtag truth hashtag bitches.

I do like that things are being tagged so they're easy to find if you're looking for something particular. But is anybody really going on Twitter and looking up Hashtag Barista Problems? Or has Hashtag Circumcision Won't Stop Bleeding really proved useful to anybody? Although if you really want to fall into a deep, dark despair of bitter anger and disappointment with the world, just go on Twitter and search out the #SorryNotSorry or #NotaRacist tags. Whee.

None of that has anything to do with The Phantom Stranger although the title is an anagram for Hashtag NPR Ottermen. Is their a liberal conspiracy to replace the human race with Ottermen? If there is, I just discovered it.

This issue begins with the resolution to The Phantom Stranger's encounter with The Spectre last issue. Basically it doesn't come to much more than Chris the Redeemer giving The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft some kind of gift, a vision of their past and future connected. Maybe Cassandra Craft is Mary Magdalene? Anyway, after that nonsense with Chris, Dog, and the Spectre (nonsense that feels like a pilot for another project secreted safely within this issue to set the stage for a monthly Spectre comic) is finished, everybody heads to Las Vegas to meet up with Trigon's sons.

Her psychic eyes don't seem to notice that her tits are falling out of her shirt.

Maybe Cassandra likes her current look with the too small shirt. I certainly like it. What is the process of choosing your dress when you're blind? Comfort? Feel? Physical descriptions from sighted people? I know it would be easy for me since my fashion hasn't changed since high school. Jeans. Thermal long-sleeved shirts under t-shirts. Boots in winter; Birks in summer; barefoot whenever or wherever I can be. Cassandra seems to have a bit of that fashion sense. She's just keeping things loose and easy. The Phantom Stranger and Pandora should be taking fashion advice from her.

The mini-Trinity of Sin (fuck The Question! If he isn't going to take part in these crossovers, he can go fuck himself. Cassandra Craft should get the job) makes their way up to the 13th Floor (you know, where evil and ghostly shenanigans always take place) to meet with Trigon's sons and ask them to help save the world. Because without the world, where are they going to find souls to gamble with?

As debauched devils and sons of the Universe's Greatest Rapist, their sexual desires seem pretty vanilla. They're demons. Why are they sticking to just females? And humanoids? And animate objects?

If I were an Incubus, I'd run around naked with my erect phallus flailing around in front of me, banging and rubbing it on anything and everything I encountered, leaving streams of burning jizz on everything I passed. As a Succubus, I'd do pretty much the same thing except the jizz part would be girl jizz and I'd probably shove a lot more things up me since I'd have two nether orifices instead of just the one. As either, I'd probably be fairly easy to defeat or capture because there would be like a 90% chance that I'd be masturbating when encountered. I'm not even a sex demon and that percentage is probably accurate for my normal life.

Here's an aside for people reading this that keep thinking, "Why the hell does Tess keep talking about comic books? Get to the boring, mundane shit about real life!" It's 9:20 AM in the morning and I just received a package of chocolate from Germany. Okay, the Non-Certified Spouse actually did. But I answered the door where the old timey DHL delivery guy was busy covering the package with a garbage can lid to protect it from the rain! Also last night, I laughed Sierra Mist out of both nostrils. It was refreshing!

Once again, a bunch of arrogant prick asshole losers need to be convinced that The Crime Syndicate is bad for business. You'd think people would notice this kind of thing. I guess I'm just too optimistic about the intelligence of people (and rapey demons). Why would any evil or amoral person think, "Hey! More evil and amoral people! They're just like me! We'll probably get along great!" Well, if you're one of those evil and amoral people (like me!), you'll understand the flaw in that logic. If you're a goody-two shoes ratfink jerkoff, you might think, "I love being around people like me! Why wouldn't evil people like being around other evil people?" I don't know. Because community doesn't work when you're setting your neighbor's house on fire and coveting his wife's ass? Pretty much every evil jerk in the DC Universe that had any aspirations to live life by their own free will should be against The Crime Syndicate. I can understand losers like Giganta or Blockbuster or Copperhead following them. But Deathstork Deathstroke? Vandal Savage? Gorilla Grodd? These are individualistic leaders that would see this kind of disruption of their world as a seriously bad thing. I can see these devils not noticing at first because who cares what fucking humans do? But eventually they're going to have to deal with how unbalanced the world has become.

Why would The Stranger ask these guys for help when he already knew what they would ask in payment and he wasn't ready to give up the coins? I bet that's why this story is called "The Gamble"! Because there's a secret part to this plan!

Eventually after a lot of fighting and threats to ordinary people, Belial gets The Phantom Stranger to reconsider the deal. The Phantom Stranger gives up his Necklace of Coins in exchange for help from Trigon's sons. I have a feeling the Necklace of Coins is a Cursed Artifact that can give much power but also demands much from the wearer. The Phantom Stranger, having just declared his independence from Dog, probably used this opportunity to also rid himself of the Necklace of Coins by tricking Belial into demanding it as payment. Now Belial is Dog's Servant, right?

Belial decides to help The Phantom Stranger because he's obviously OG if he can wear that necklace without breaking down like a little bitch the way Belial just did.

Everybody heads off to Nanda Parbat to save the world or something.

The Phantom Stranger #17 Rating: No change. I can't think of a reason Cassandra would be connected to The Phantom Stranger unless she's somehow Magdalene. Who else could she be? Oh! Jesus himself! Except Chris the Babysitter is the Jesus figure in this story. But The Phantom Stranger didn't fall in love with him, so he's not actually Jesus. Just a divine substitute! Cassandra Craft could be Jesus though! Would J.M. Dematteis write Judas/Jesus Slash Fiction for a major comic book company? I would!

Here are Cabbage Patch Batman and Robin showing off half of the German Chocolate delivered today.