Green Lantern #33

For some reason, I didn't have a problem with Gorin-Sunn being referred to as a "being of pure energy." But now I'm completely upset by beings of living fire!

I don't know why beings of pure energy never upset me. I suppose because a huge fat alien could be considered a being of substantial potential energy, so we're already nearly to the being of pure energy! But a being of fire? I suppose on the home planet it's much like a sun where the beings are simply created from the reactions taking place within and on the surface of the planet. But once one of them separates itself from the whole, how does it continue to survive? Must it be constantly consuming a hunk of charcoal? Is it hooked up to a propane tank? I take it only Gorin-Sunn has left the planet and that's only because the ring somehow supplies him with the energy he needs to keep his reaction going?

I suppose I should simply remember the answer to any question regarding the realism of a comic book is either "fuck you" or "comic books." So there's your answer, Tess! Fuck you!

Currently in Green Lantern, everybody in the universe hates the Green Lanterns. It's the Green Lanterns own fault. Nobody likes a bunch of poncy dicks in sharp uniforms handing out spacewalking tickets for no fucking good reason. So the Durlans decided it was time to overthrow them and take their place. To do that, they've decided to become Daxamites! Because they seem to think being a Superman-wanna-be with a lead allergy is far better than being a shapechanger with an addiction to radioactivity. I guess I can see the pros and cons of both sides.

Hopefully one of the Green Lanterns farts lead fumes.

The Green Lanterns arrive in time to keep the Durlans from devouring Gorin-Sunn's people. They instantly form a wall but keep themselves on the wrong side of the wall. How are they supposed to battle the Durlans like that? Idiots. Hopefully when Mogo arrives, she'll be smart enough to block off the sun just in case the Durlans become Daxamites.

Seeing 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 arrive with the rest of the lanterns, I have to wonder if the appendages on the top of her head are her sexual organs. Does the male of her species have the same number of orifices on his head for her appendages or is she equipped to head-bang multiple men at once?

That last paragraph caused me to ponder something else! If we were to meet an alien species that also consisted of two separate genders that were needed to conceive a child (minus science and magic and God putting his dick where he probably shouldn't have), would we regard the one which carries the child to term as the female? And would we treat the female of the alien species with all the same prejudices with which we treat human women? I'm willing to bet we would just look at an alien species, try to determine which of the sexes had tits, and simply decide that was the female. What if the female's eyes were on her breasts?! Would they have to keep insisting that the men look them in the eyes? "Why do you keep averting your gaze, human male?! Are you trying to engage in deception?!"

I know how we'd be able to tell which aliens were male! When the alien ship landed, whichever aliens high-fived each other would be the males. And fucking douchebags as well.

Oh shit! How can I stay angry at such adorably nonsensical fire children?!

Mogo begins firing bits of Oa That Was down on the heads of the Durlans. That's the best artillery any army has ever had! What is Jim Starlin doing now that Stormwatch ended? Can we get him to write a Mogo vs. Warworld One-Shot? I think only Starlin can do justice to Warworld since he's written it into every fucking story he's ever done!

The plan is to draw the Durlans into a close range fight, so, as usual, I was bitching and moaning before knowing what I was bitching and moaning about. I suppose I just don't trust Hal Jordan ever has a plan that doesn't consist of these steps: "1. Don't think about it too much. 2. Punch things a lot."

I swear I wrote that last paragraph before reading this page. There are worse characters I can be thinking like than Kilowog! He's a smart ape! He is an ape, right? With a cleft palate and alopecia?

Also, don't you look at 2-6-8-1-7-9-5's sex organs in that previous scan! She's my crush! You can't enjoy her as much as I enjoy her! Besides, you wouldn't know what to do with that many head-penises. Unless they're head vaginas. And then you wouldn't know what to do with those either! Hell, I barely know what to do with one of any sexual organ but I'm more than willing to learn what to do with five at the same time!

And then I find out why the Green Lanterns don't need to be on the other side of the wall! Because PB Anj and her Clann are there to begin shooting Durlans in the derriere. I suppose whenever John Stewart arrives, he and his group will be on the other side of the wall as well. But they might not arrive until the battle is nearly lost since this story still has one more chapter that takes place in the next issue of the Green Lantern Corps. I bet the Durlans become Daxamites as this issue ends but John Stewart will have learned the secret weakness of the Daxamite people! That's why he'll be late because he'll have to have stopped off at a plumbing supply center for a bunch of weapons.

Nothing so dramatic happens. Hal's plan works. The Durlans are stopped. They're imprisoned on Mogo while John Stewart and Fatality remain behind on Zezzen to figure out why the fuck there is still one more chapter in Uprising.

Does "heartwrenching" mean Fatality is going to die and PB Anj is going to get her ring?

Green Lantern #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. I might just be an old fucker that's out of touch with modern comic books but I know what I like and what I don't like! I don't usually know why I like something or don't like something though! Probably due to the patriarchy's brainwashing and conditioning me to expect things to be a certain way since no individual can ever actually like something that the cultural majority likes without having to severely question whether or not they actually like that thing or they have been fooled. But I liked this comic book because it made me feel like when I read comic books when I was really young and before I ever bought any or knew anything about their monthly schedules or continuity or anything like that. I could have picked this comic up simply because it was about Green Lanterns and space aliens and a big battle and I would have thoroughly enjoyed it. I probably would have read it over and over again as well. Plus it had little kid creatures!

Green Lantern Corps #32

Is this where John creates a girder or a piece of rebar to stop the Daxamites?

I'd be a horrible Green Lantern. Apparently Green Lanterns like to make constructs of things that were common to them in their daily lives. So John Stewart makes a lot of construction materials. Guy Gardner makes footballs and weapons. Kyle Rayner makes giant pencils and crazy imaginative creatures because he's a dumb dumb comic book artist. And Hal Jordan makes butt plugs and nipple clamps. But me? What would I make? Probably just great big words! I'd hit a few aliens with a gigantic "FUCK" and another one would be crushed by a huge "CUNT" while a half dozen would be peppered by "SHITS" and "ASSHOLES." Then I'd probably hit some evil female antagonist with a "BITCH" and get in huge trouble with my team members. I'd have just saved the world and they'd barely be able to look me in the eye. "Really, Tess? Really? Words can hurt." Then I'd glance around at all the dead aliens crushed by my light construct words and I'd say, "No kidding!"

This issue begins with the Green Lantern Corps (plus Fatality) visiting Daxam to warn the Daxamites that the Durlans are coming for them. But the Daxamites don't want any part of the Green Lantern Corps' goodwill. They'll probably blame the Green Lanterns when the Durlans suddenly appear right after the Green Lantern Corps does. The Lanterns probably should have just remained off-planet waiting for the Durlans to attack. Then they could have sat back polishing their rings waiting for the Daxamites to plead for their help. Instead of invaders and trouble-makers, they're suddenly saviours!

See? Now let them be until they ask for help, you assholes.

I guess the Daxamites used to live under a yellow sun but Sodamn Yatstikoff turned it into a red sun. Unless they used to live under a red sun and Sodamn turned it into a yellow sun and then back again into a Red Sun. Somehow he was involved in changing the sun in someway. The Daxamites don't seem to be too angry at him though. I think I'd be right pissed if he stole my super powers away from me! But I'm not a Daxamite! I'm just a person reading The New 52! So I'm pissed that Green Lantern comic books keep referring to Preboot history!

The Daxamites Daxam defense plan is to ship a bunch of Daxamites to a solar system with a yellow sun, let them charge their batteries, and return as super soldiers. That seems like a good plan for the planet's future defense. But right now, they've got trouble on their doorstep! I think they'd better rethink their anti-Green-Lantern policy.

Meanwhile back on Mogo, Van Jensen checks the Professional Comic Book Writer's "Conflict Between Two Good Guys Because There Is No Time To Explain" box. He's really getting the hang of things!

What Daggle has no time to explain is how he's updating the rings so that they can identify Durlans. And for once, maybe (MAYBE), a person saying they didn't have time was right because just as the Green Lantern Corps' rings are updated, they're attacked by the Daxamites. And they instantly learn that the Daxamites have been adulterated with Durlans. Or infiltrated although I prefer adulterated because the Durlans suck. Good thing the Lanterns kept them from their road trip to the nearest yellow sun!

For some reason, the Durlans still believe they can defeat the Green Lantern Corps. Sure they can shift shapes. Sure they have them outnumbered about a thousand to one. But they don't have Green Lantern rings! And they don't have Kanjar Ro and the other Green Lantern enemies fighting on their side. Although they still have two issues left of Uprising, so they may actually have the upper hand by the time this issue ends.

And they kind of do and they kind of don't! The Green Lanterns save Daxam and the few remaining Daxamites. But the Durlan ships full of Durlans that can turn into Daxamites blast off for Zezzen and the oceans of energy that will enable them to retain the Daxamite form. Then it's one more hop to a yellow sun and they'll be unbeatable! Except for that pesky allergy to lead. Bah! That probably won't be a problem at all!

Green Lantern Corps #32 Rating: No change. John Stewart and his Lanterns have really just been chasing their own tails during this thing. Sure, they're liberating oppressed people and saving entire planets! But they're not stopping the Durlans plans at all! They keep finding themselves one step behind. Although with two issues left, the Lanterns finally know what to do! My guess is that they'll be too late, some more energy beings will die, some super Daxamite-Durlans will think they're ready to rule the universe, and then the first planet they land on will be full of vehicles using leaded gasoline. The end!

Green Lantern #32

In this issue, Hal comes up with a really stupid plan.

I've been playing Dark Souls on the Xbox 360 since they gave it to me for free. It has a really steep learning curve but it's the first game in a long time that actually makes me consider my actions. Sure, you respawn when you die but you lose all of the souls you've collected. And since souls are both money and experience points, you really have to be careful which parts of town you venture into at night. While I thought the game was frustrating for the first few hours I played it, I've really come to like it. And I like it even more now that I'm a player killing monster.

Deep in the game is a forest that is guarded by other players that have joined the Hunter Covenant. The first time you arrive in this area, you're beset upon by a bunch of other players that are summoned to kick your ass. I didn't know when I first arrived at the place that these were other players but after killing three or four of them, I began to suspect that was the case. I made my way through the forest (because I'm unstoppable!) and met up with the leader of the Hunters, a big, fat gray cat that makes some fairly realistic cat noises. He offered me a chance to become one of the Forest Guardians and I took him up on the offer, seeing as how good I was at it. He gave me a ring which, if I chose to wear it, would summon me to kill other players when they entered the forest.

I wore it long enough to forget that I was wearing it when I was finally summoned to the forest to destroy the invading infidel. When I arrived, I saw a person in full black armor attacking other Hunters. I waded in and killed him in two blows. At that point I was sent back to where I'd been with my reward: 400,000 Souls. Now, you probably don't know the exchange rate for souls so let me explain how many souls that was. Up until that point, I'd gotten to Level 40. After using all the souls to level up, I was Level 64. Being a Hunter is the best job ever!

But then I decided I should take a break and read Green Lantern. You can tell how interested I am in that by looking above this paragraph and seeing the subject of my first three paragraphs is Dark Souls. That's what I really want to be doing! Playing free video games!

Anyway, the Green Lantern Corps was in trouble or something. Again! Let's see how they get out of it this time without apologizing to anybody and acting as if they had the right to do whatever they wanted to whomever they wanted to do it to. Fucking jerks.

Here's a picture of 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 to counterbalance all of the words.

This is only Part Three in a Six Part Story and the Green Lanterns have already nearly won. PB Anj is pulling her clanns out of the fight to head home and spend their war plunder. The Khunds are ready to walk away from siding with the Durlans because they think the Durlans are cowards. The Durlans, even with Green Lantern Rings, didn't seem to be very capable against the Corps. So it looks like the last four issues will be the Green Lanterns going on tour around the universe and kissing everybody's ass and apologizing for being huge dicks for billions of years.

Instead of letting their allies walk away from the fight peacefully, the Durlans blow them up instead. The only ones to escape are PB Anj and a few of her crew.

She escaped with her life! She didn't escape with her freedom!

PB Anj seems to enjoy making allies of enemies of enemies of enemies, so she probably headed to Mogo to make a deal with the Green Lantern Corps. It'll probably be something like letting her and her people go if they give up all the information they have on the Durlans. Or maybe she just came back to Mogo to do that kinky barbed wire thing that made the cover.

Instead of just throwing PB Anj in prison to rot, Hal decides to gloat a bit. Thankfully, PB Anj is one of the few people on Mogo ready to tell Hal the truth about how shitty the Green Lantern Corps has been doing their job.

The Corps definitely fails but I'm not sure it really even tries.

PB Anj definitely wants to make a deal with Hal. She knows where the Durlans will be because they need power to lock into the form of Daxamites. I don't know why Hal would need this information though. Let them become Daxamites! Daxamites might be strong but they can barely do anything without suddenly being crippled by a few lead molecules left lying about. I bet they even lose minute bits of power every time they fly through space due to the various lead molecules floating about from exploded stars. Forget about fighting the Durlans while they can shift shape and surprise you! Wait until they become Daxamites and shoot lead musket balls at them!

Apparently Hal can't do the plan the way I suggested because the energy the Durlans are going to consume are Gorin-Sunn's people. They're composed of living energy and if they're all eaten, it will be genocide. I don't think the Green Lantern Corps can just sit back and let that happen. So I guess Hal has to team up with PB Anj after all!

Meanwhile the Elder Durlans have arrvied on Gorin-Sunn's home planet and are ready to feast. But first they must wait for a Daxamite so they can learn how to turn into one.

Green Lantern #32 Rating: No change. I feel like the Durlans entire plan is just fucking garbage! Why choose Daxamites?! I get that they're strong and shit but the head Durlan kills one of the others and says, "You chose permanency in a vulnerable form." And you're not choosing that?! Maybe nobody knows the Daxamites have a weakness to lead yet in The New 52. Perhaps nobody learns about it until many years later when the Legion of Super-heroes comes along. Except they won't be coming along anymore, I guess! I think the future changed or something. Anyway, I'm less interested in the war with the Durlans and more interested in what the Green Lantern Corps is going to do to fix their reputation with the rest of the universe. I truly hope they stop thinking of themselves as a cosmic police force and instead change their approach to one of cosmic emergency services.

Green Lantern Corps #31

This looks like the cover of a book I would have read in second grade. With really large font. And possibly multiple endings. Or at least a very valuable moral lesson at the end. You know, after the big laser battle.

Last issue, John told Fatality not to kill the Durlans because that would prove that they weren't any better than the Durlans or something. I've always hated that reason for not killing. That's the "Don't Stoop to Their Level" rule and it's lazy ethics. You're finding a way to make your decision to let somebody live be all about you and how much better you are than the person you're not killing. I think you should not kill for the reason Jesus said that thing where he said that thing about rocks and sins. By killing a person, you're taking away their ability to change or repent or bite the ring off Frodo's finger and fall into Mount Doom with it. I also think Batman's real reason for not killing is a good reason not to kill! What is that, I hear you asking shyly? Batman doesn't kill because he's afraid he'll get a taste for it and he won't be able to stop! Don't buy into Batman following the "Don't Stoop to Their Level" bullshit! He knows if he kills, he'll like it! And it's so easy that he just won't be able to stop. He'd be a pretty efficient monster, that guy.

I think I had a reason for starting that last paragraph which I should probably get back to! Okay, so John Stewart refused to kill the Durlans. But in Green Lantern #31, Hal Jordan and the rest of the Green Lanterns fucking massacre the Durlans! I think John needs to reread his Green Lantern Corps Rulebook. And once the Durlans were dead, the rings they were wearing began traveling to Corona Seven to find their original owners. So killing was a good thing! I think. I'm confused.

I've never killed another human being but I don't think I'm ethically against it. Like when you're walking down the sidewalk and people are standing in front of a bar smoking and taking up the whole sidewalk? I think killing at least one of those people would be okay. It would be wrong to kill them all. But I can see the death of one being a reasonable alternative to just walking around them.

This month's starting line-up for your Green Lanterns Corps!

So before the Green Lantern Rings even make it to the prison planet where the Green Lanterns are being held, Xylpth and Ghr'll break out! They kill a few Khunds because they think John Stewart suffers from low testosterone. Perhaps John has just had enough killing since he always has to kill friends and innocent people. That can take a toll on somebody!

It isn't long before the rings arrive though because no reader wants to read an entire comic of Green Lanterns using conventional weapons. Nobody cares about the personalities behind the rings! We just want to see what stupid constructs they make! Also, I think Bloobert Cob died. Also, poor blah blah blah whatever. Nobody cares!

Well, these Lanterns care, I guess. Although these Lanterns really are nobodies!

And I don't want to hear about how these Green Lanterns were stars or something in the Spectrum Wars or whatever! If they're not featured prominently in the 1985 Who's Who Directory, they're no Lantern I give a shit about!

Hell, even some of those Lanterns I don't give a shit about.

Okay fine! The only Green Lanterns I care about are G'nort and Kilowog and John Stewart and Guy Gardner, okay?!

Even though the escaped prisoners are doing just fine (with the exception of Bloobert Cob), John Stewart, Fatality, and their small team of Lanterns arrive to save the day. Or help save the day. Or at least be there to escort everybody home. But first they have to rescue one more captive held at the bottom of the prison! This prisoner must be really important!

Who the fuck?

Sodam Yat is apparently a Daxamite. So he's Superman with the pesky allergy to lead. Great! A Superman that can be killed with a musket! Well, at least he'll be useful until somebody hits him with a pipe.

With the information they get from Sodam, John Stewart learns of the Durlans real plans.

Whatever. Just cover yourselves in lead paint and hug the fuckers. War over.

Green Lantern Corps #31 Rating: No change. I predict the Green Lantern Corps is going to stop off at Earth, visit a fishing supply store, and buy up all the lead weights for the battle ahead.